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A man awake

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Pulling apart reality

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White Crane Feather


Well this entry and experience is a bit long and mixes in with dreams.

Dec 15

Vision log.

Set up. I have had trouble sleeping the past few nights. The baby wakes up or my four year old plows into me at 4am. I decide going to dose myself on natural herbal sedatives. So I don't end up being up until 3 am. I make a strong tea out of wild lettuce leaves ( opium lettuce), California poppy, and an herb from thailand called Kratom.

The tea is an instand success. I feel the wave of relaxation hit me before im done. I go sleep very quickly.

During sleep I'm haveing this interesting dream. Im no longer me. Im this guy takeing this girl out for drinks. But it's not a date. She is my charge. She is pretty and nieve and it's my job to look after her. She ends up hanging on me and annoying me the whole time trying to make guys jealous and being abmoxiousely flirty with me knowing full well I have no intrest in her and she is way to young for my tastes.

I end up ditching her in a cab home, and outside on a patio I end up talking with this increadible beautiful and unique woman. We hit it off. But in a very unique way. She is just incredibly alluring and interesting.... Unique... And smart. We talk into the night and then decide to hang out the rest of the night.

Then...... Bam. I'm waking in a bed. I sit up and I don't recognize anything. I don't really know who I am or where I am at. I start to look around and in in a nice apartment. Then a few images of her come back to me and I start to remember the night. I start to think that I must have gotton very drunk. I'm distraught because it was love at first sight.... She was so perfect. All of a sudden covers move next to me and I shift to see her smileing at me. A loud ----YES!!!!----- is yelled out internally. She is smiling suductivly and I move to kiss her. We make wonderful love for quite sometime. ( God!!!! Sometimes I absolutely love my dream awareness. I will never forget this one )

But here is where it starts to get strange. At some point we roll off of the bed onto the floor. We finsh love makeing down there, but I'm starting to become lucid and remember who I really am. Dosnt matter. I'm still enjoying this dream very much. I'm gently caressing her whole body in the afterglow, and I get to her lower abdomen. I start to notice differences in her skin. Blue streaked mixed with ridges. Just a vague hint. This is not totally a dream. This is a spirit.... Or more likely another being from somewhere else that can travel with her concousness like I can. I look at her face. Still beautiful. She seems glad I am understanding. I start to see her change a bit. Still beautiful but mire angular and seek like. My lucidity and the change is disrupting the

dream. I fade back to wakefulness.

Oh no!!!!! I'm not letting that one go so easy. I instantly initiate meditations with the intention of staying with her. They cam fast. I exit. I sit up in my bed. I look around thinking ---how am I going to do this? With all of my intention I focus on one spot and I push my will forward as if to penetrat the wall and reality itself. At first nothing. Then there is a slight smoky shimmering. I can't seem to force through with my will alone. I reach up with my hand and dive them into the shimmering and start to force reality apart with my hands. It's like trying for force apart rubbery jello. I'm still projecting the force of my will into the whole in reality I am creating. Pushing my hands and will through I evenchually start to

See the pure light on the others side. The lights intense warmth glaring through. No I say to myself I have done that many times before. I don't want to merge right now. Im on a mission. That's when I notice the layers of reality I have been peeling back are freckled with galaxies and other "things" morphing bubble looking things, and these long sparkling filaments. It's all very beautiful. I start to loose my grip on the altered state. Haveing been through this before instantly refocus on my task. I prevent my return.

I pick a galaxy on faith and dive all of my awareness into it. I'm in it's space. I'm traveling. Stars are whipping by. Things happen so fast at this point I don't remember identifying anything. Then I am back in the room. She is there. I move toward her. She is smiling in her brilliance. We make love again. But this time spiritual merging love. At the height of the intensity I find myself back in bed. Dam!!! I reinitiate vibrations. I sit up. Shew I went straight there. She is there as radiant and beautiful as ever.

This is where I make my mistake. Just a small viral thought from pop cultural. "succubus". I did not mean to think it. It just had to do with a thought of what others would think of all this. Instantly the life starts to drain out of everything. I'm disappointed in myself for thinking it, and I can feel myself fadeing back she reaches out to grab my hands to help but there is nothing she can do. Im back in my own bed.

I sit up in my own bed disappointed in myself. Why can't I keep my cultural conditioning out of my head. I have got to spend more time on this. There is so much out there to see and learn without my head turning to fictional fears.

On the other hand I feel extremely rested and so full of wonder I wanted to cry.

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