In 40 years I will be 103 years old. The last four decades have gone by like a bush fire during a drought; yes, that fast. It makes me pause. When young, I of course thought I had all the time in the world. The first 30 years moved along at a brisk clip, especially after I reached the 25 year mark. However after 30, well, it has been a roller coaster ride. It is true, some days can drag, but the weeks, months and years speed by at an ever faster clip. I suppose everything becomes a memory and most of those are buried somewhere deep in my unconscious. Thank God for that. Can’t imagine what it would be like to remember everything, all of the time.

I have very clear memories of my very early childhood, back to the crib in fact; why I have no idea. Perhaps each day is a life time and when we go to sleep at night, we die, only to rise again the next day. Well most of us wake up, for some continue sleeping, forever. Or maybe one lifetime, no matter how long is a mere day, or seems like it when the end is near and we reflect back on our lost decades. Maybe this should give pause to what we actually desire and seek in our lives, for most of it is sand that slips through our hands. We have no future here, something that many refuse to think about. Also, for many we are not at home here either. For most of us have longings that simply can’t be fulfilled by anything in this world. I believe love is our deepest longing and we can do many self destructive things in order to find it….though often in the wrong places. From my experience, my relationship with the Infinite seems to be the only thing that even begins to touch that longing. Prayer seems to expand my heart and everyday I ask the Infinite to use me along the way, and I try not to get in the way…though being clumsy and self conscious I often do. I have learned to love all that is about me, even those things that can make me cringe at times. For not to love myself blocks me from loving and accepting others, both in their beauty and also in what is not so beautiful. My struggles are no different from all of my brothers and sisters, so I strive to love them as myself; the trick is to love myself first. Then hopefully with the work of grace I will love the Infinite with all that I have and in that my inner longings can at times seem to find home…..like a compass, letting me know that I am on the right road, though I often can’t see where my faith is leading, yet I have learned to trust, even in pain and darkness, as well as in joy. We all walk on air, or over the void, we just might not know it.