Jump to content
Join the Unexplained Mysteries community today! It's free and setting up an account only takes a moment.
- Sign In or Create Account -

talking to myself

  • entries
    3,107
  • comments
    1,633
  • views
    685,227

My cruelty in High School

markdohle

523 views

My cruelty in High School

There are events from my early teenage years that still haunt me to this day….wounding memories that bring to mind aspects of myself that are painful to even contemplate, but must, in order for those seeds that led to the events when young…. don’t grow and consume me. I don’t understand why so many people react to the concept of ‘sin’, through granted it is often misused and has been wounding too many. However, it seems that to not believe in the reality of ‘sin’ or, the likely possibly of ‘transgression’ can lead to something worse. In some spiritual paths the word ‘ignorance’ is used instead of sin, which can work, since it is not hard to do very bad things, evil things against others and be ignorant of the depth of harm that was committed, or to use another word, the transgression committed against another human being.

I was 13 and in High School, in Panama, Canal, Cristobal High, it was 1962. There was a young man who was a senior at the time (well I think he was), I did not know him and I don’t think he even knew I was alive…. for five years difference in age is a lot when that young. I will not use his real name for obvious reasons. He would be 68 or 69 at this time and perhaps what happened has been forgotten by him; or forgiven, well I hope so. There was gossip going around that he was “queer”, that was the word used at that time for homosexuals. I had no proof that this was true, and I am not sure it meant anything to me in any case.

The poor kid was hounded everywhere he went, in a cruel manner and it was incessant, though of course not by all, for the majority did not chime in. I did however, the jeering and name calling. It happened when I was with a group…. by myself, no. One scene I remember was at the Ft. Gulick teenage club. There was a group of us sitting on a couch and he came over and sat with us, we all got up and left him alone.... an act of contempt that I am sure he felt deeply. It was so easy to do and I can’t say I did not know what I was doing, no, I knew all right, I just wanted to belong This scene has been burned into my mind and can’t get rid of it. I am not suffering from neurotic guilt, but I believe that this image is a guard at the gate of my heart that is not always filled with light and love. A warning pointing to what I am capable of and how walled in, cold and uncaring, I can make my heart.

When I was in the 10th grade it started to hit me the evil I participated in, though as a teenager I did not know the full extent of it. I also discovered that the harm and pain I cause others returns to me. I believe that cruelty is still in me along side the part of me that wants to be loving and caring. The great inner divide that I believe most of us seek to find healing for, most I believe a life long journey. No, sin for me means that I have the freedom to choose, I am not a victim of my past, though I can be influenced by it and when I fall I can freely take responsibility for my choices.

If I could meet this young man (now near 70) from my past, I would ask to talk to him and even if he does not remember my part in his taunting, I would ask for his forgiveness. I have prayed for him all these years and actually for all of those that I have hurt. As I grow, I believe my ability to transgress against is still there and when I do sin , it is greater, because now being older I do not have the excuse of being just a teenager.

Images from the past

When I close my eyes to pray,

or just to sleep,

images arise….

the faces of those I hurt,

people rebuffed, or ignored, or overlooked,

set aside so I could belong,

being part of the mob is not what it seems,

a slice of humanity must be set aside,

a self wounding that bleeds eternally,

until healing and forgiveness is received.

When God forgives, the wound can stay,

a reminder of the importance of seeing others,

loving and treating with love and compassion

all who come before ones path.



6 Comments


Recommended Comments

Nice read, Mark. It resonates with me in many ways in that I sometimes wish I hadn't done a few things in my life. But someone told me once, that the hardest and the most important part of repentance is to learn to forgive ourselves first, without forgetting the lesson. We all just have to learn from our experiences I guess.

  • Like 2

Share this comment


Link to comment

I think most if not all of us have been cruel to another whilst we were kids

Sometimes the need to be inc in a group causes us to say or do mean things often to people we didn't know

The fact you feel remorse for your transgressions shows you are worthy of forgiveness

We all have our sins to repent

Perhaps its time to forgive yourself rather than condemn yourself

  • Like 1

Share this comment


Link to comment

nods, i think this peer pressure thing can be good, can be bad and i do believe it helps mold us as we become adults, when i was younger, i too did things i should not have and thankfully the feeling of 'shame' that came after the fact help mold me into the person who works hard not to repeat said mistake for the sake of peers.

sometimes it means i have few friends, because so many even at my age.. gossip for bad reasons and will get into their cliques (spelling?)

I prefer to be alone then to be in a group of friends that exclude others due to they being different.. feel better that way, i feel like i can look in the mirror and smile, you know what i mean?

  • Like 1

Share this comment


Link to comment

Nice read, Mark. It resonates with me in many ways in that I sometimes wish I hadn't done a few things in my life. But someone told me once, that the hardest and the most important part of repentance is to learn to forgive ourselves first, without forgetting the lesson. We all just have to learn from our experiences I guess.

I agree, it is in the learning that is important.

Peace

Mark

Share this comment


Link to comment

I think most if not all of us have been cruel to another whilst we were kids

Sometimes the need to be inc in a group causes us to say or do mean things often to people we didn't know

The fact you feel remorse for your transgressions shows you are worthy of forgiveness

We all have our sins to repent

Perhaps its time to forgive yourself rather than condemn yourself

Thanks for your comment. I am not condeming myself, but I don't want to forget, when something stays with us I think it is important. I agree guilit can turn neruotic, good guilt helps to move forward and self forgivness is part of that.

peace

mark

Share this comment


Link to comment

nods, i think this peer pressure thing can be good, can be bad and i do believe it helps mold us as we become adults, when i was younger, i too did things i should not have and thankfully the feeling of 'shame' that came after the fact help mold me into the person who works hard not to repeat said mistake for the sake of peers.

sometimes it means i have few friends, because so many even at my age.. gossip for bad reasons and will get into their cliques (spelling?)

I prefer to be alone then to be in a group of friends that exclude others due to they being different.. feel better that way, i feel like i can look in the mirror and smile, you know what i mean?

I know what you mean, we have to live with our selves, gossip is not a good way to spend the time, it can seem like fun until it is our time....then it does not seem so innocent nor entertaining.

peace

mark

Share this comment


Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now