Last night I took my mother to the emergency room. She has been getting weeker and sicker with each passing month. last year I was visited by my father, and he told me she was on her way, and now I have been observing this death process for the second time. I was 19 the first time and it was very difficult.
Strangley or mabey not so strange I
am unphased by death or the prospect of it. Even the prospect of loosing a loved one does not pack the same punch. It makes me feel guilty, that I am apathetic. In all internal honesty I have rolled, jumped, sprung, and floated out of my body so many times and met spirits and the dead so many times that I have become 100% sure that the other side is just a shift away...... death being a `lucid dream` in which we never wake. Others will disagree with me of course, but they have not seen what I have nor does it matter.... they will one day.
Its a very strange place to be in psycologically. Im in her hospital room listening to her sounds while in severe discomfort. I am deeply concerned for her, and want despretly to alliviate her suffering, yet at the same time I feel the rite of passage, the bitter sweat sometimes gruling and painful march and cycle of life unfolding before my very eyes. I felt so greatful for our lives. All of our lives. The greatness, the beauty, the wonder, the pain, and even the horror. There is a completeness to it that frames our existance on this world.
My mother is one of the very few people in my personal life that knows a little bit about the extent of my experiences. She still has very strong native american features and beliefs. her great grand mother was born on the trail of tears. She asks me what she should do once she is there. She knows I am more concerned than normal. I told her not to worry about that, they will be waiting.
She suffered a very mild fall a few weeks ago, but it was `the` fall. With older people on their way out, there always seems to be a fall that signifies their final tilt down. Also, my 2 year old, Logan, came out and sat silently with her on the front step as she waited for me to gather a few things. I watched them face each other in silence. Logan sat there with strong posture and a strange confidence very much untoddler like. He glanced around for a moment as if searching for words, then he just tilted his head and smiled. She smiled back, and I realized I was watching two souls a generation apart embraceing without embraceing potentially for the last time.
I would have teard up ....... I would now as I write, but it dosnt come . Im not jaded. I am greatful. So very greatful that I am so privledged to wittness such a masterful master piece of a moment....true ultimate beauty upon the earth, a work of art of the spirit wrapped in the gaze of an old indian woman and her two year old grandson.
Thank you , thank you , thank you god for my life .......
ok , now im crying .