I decided to disappear to the coast to ground myself and try and discover why have been feeling so angsty like something is not right with me. The first thing I did when I got there was forage for a meal I decided not to bring any food, I just wanted what I could find. I found a patch of young milk thistles, some plantain, and a bit of very young yellow dock. It was slim pickings. The drought has made very little wild plants available. After I had my vegetables, I went to forage some barnacles. The rocks are simply covered with them. I also grabbed a large sand crab from under a rock, some seaweed, and filled a small water bottle of sea water for a broth.
I know I say this a lot, but I find it amazing that anyone goes hungry. There is food nearly everywhere I look ten fold at the ocean. I said a prayer of thanks giving to the spirits of the animals i had gathered, then cooked it all with my small camp pot over my wood gasifier stove that I made out of tin cans. The barnacles were tough to eat but tasty and the briny broth was delicious.
It was late after noon, so I made a fire and sat on a folded tarp facing the fire to meditate and discover what this is all about. I had been planning the whole drive how I would approach it. I was going to use what I consider to be a dangerous meditation that I discovered a while back, but with a twist. I was going to bring up this terrible angst and let it consume me for a short time. I wanted to dive into it to explore it. It's very much like exploring something with your hands only its with your mind. It took me about a half an hour of forcing it up before it was there, then I simply dove into it. I let this terrible feeling simply surround me I became it, it's all that I was. I search in its depths for a cause, a rigger, or anything. My throat knotted up, my stomach was churning.
It was to much. I had to back out. After bringing myself out of the trance I felt terrible. I got up and milled around the camp, but I could not shake it. I was in the throws of this thing. I had to move. I literally jogged out to the ocean. I was about ready to cry but I started taking pictures of everything I saw. I just had to be doing something. I started moving fast. I did not feel well. At some point I made it to this little fishing marina where there were campsites. I usually am quite good at introducing myself and making new friends, but I was way off. I could not turn on the usual charm. I was carrying with me bad energy. They could sense it. I think I upset them, so i removed myself. I really did not like this. I felt terrible. I was walking away and about 100 yards away by the little inlet, and I was just hard core berating myself for bothering those people.
---- "Stick to yourself you idiot!!"--- then quite suddenly I yelled at the top of my lungs "FFIIIIINNNNEEE!" It just came out of me. I can't explain it.
I must have seemed like a nut to those people, and they would not have been entirely wrong.
I went back and sat on the tarp again. I had left the fire smoldering. It's in a big metal ring, so there wasn't any real danger but I still didn't like that I did that either. I was still in the throws of this terrible pressure or what ever it is. I returned to the meditation to finish what I started.
This time I started to chop pieces off of it and let it expand into an image.
My two brothers and father ( all deceased). They were first. I could see them all standing together gone out of my life forever. I wept. I had not realized how much I was still being affected by this. It would also explain some recent dreams. I also saw my fathers grave something was wrong . It's been moved... another person in its place. It can't be! It must be symbolic.
Next I saw my children. I could feel why this was there. I'm take care of them like a stay at home dad. They even to to work with me until their mother can pick them up. It's going on nine years now that I have been the primary care taker. It's taking its toll. I have an entire business to run, diapers to change, home work to do, discipline, breakfast, lunch, snacks while they are at the dojo with me. They fight, get in trouble, need guidance with things.
Next I see a mass of children. My students. Each one has needs. Every one of my spectrum kids has to be understood separately. Their quirks, their problems. A few weeks ago I was force to restrain one because he decided he wanted to challenge me. Some kids have very strenuous problems. Their parents are divorced and fighting, severe ADD, little jack has a feeding tube, cerebral palsy, plus a little spectrum. His private lesson is tough.
Then the school. The marketing, accounting, managing my instructors, events, competition, training the next generation of leaders, then there are all their little problems. My lead instructor broke down a few weeks ago. She is having some issues that were totally out of the blue. I love her to death like my own daughter.
An image if my mom. She refuses to see her primary care. She gets sick sometimes and I ended up driving back and forth to the ER. I think she has something very bad but refuses to tell anyone. She does that. She has denial down to a science.
More more more. I'm in a fight with the franchise tax board at the moment and have had to hire a lawyer. Their burocracy is amazingly moronic.
Each piece of this blob is contributing a piece.
It's to much. I can't handle it. I'm beginning to implode.
I spent until it turned night, cutting each piece away and looking at it individually.
When I stopped I changed my meditation into more calming no mind style. I was there for a long time bringing myself down. Then I felt a familiar presence. My little friends came to pay me a visit. The fire was low and I spent until 1 am interacting with them. Even petting them. Yes I took video to share. If anyone saw me with them in my lap, they for sure would think I'm nuts.
The night wasn't over. I curled up in my alpine bivy and watched "joe vs the volcano" on my kindle.
Joe ( Tom Hanks) watches an incredible moon rise in the ocean, then he profoundly thanks god for his life at the moment he thinks he is dying.
Or Patricia ( Meg Ryan), Says this
"My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know. Everybody you see. Everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake, and they live in a state of constant, total amazement."
I have forgotten that I am one of these people. I am amazed. The skunks returned it to me. They reminded me of that.
I prayed then. I prayed for the great spirit to never stop reminding me. I prayed to be washed. To be baptized in life. No joke. The sky opened up into a down poor. There was not a cloud in the sky earlier. My bivy failed somehow and I was soaked to the core when I woke up in the morning.... No dreams!!!!
This morning I climbed out to the end of the jetty in the middle of the storm, cold, wet, shivering. And this time I screamed on purpose.... For a long time. A mere human standing against , or rather in communion with, the rage of a pacific storm. I felt very much alive and dam cold. I felt amazed.
It's not over yet. I know that, but while playing with my friends I decided that I'm going to create a meditation and or bush craft course every month maybe teach some traditional Kung fu on the beach. Yes I'm going to spend a three day weekend like this every month and maybe share it with some others. I have to. If I don't I might as well look forward to a stroke or heart attack.
I'm also going to make it a habit to meditate on amazement.