So where to begin with this.... I suppose ill just start writing.
I have just been awoken with an extremely powerful dream. So powerful in fct, it will rank in the too 5 of my life So far. Tears have been streaming down my face, but i must get it Committed to words now. The origins stem back a few days to even a decade.
You see I used to talk to god all the time as a person. I made attempts at constant prayer and asked god to work through me. It all seemed to be working I have been granted glimpses into the other reality that I think very few get to see. I'm not boastful about this, but I am proud to have accomplished mysticism this far, I have never really felt the need for false Piasness or humility. In a way I feel less than humble trying to be humble about some things, it gives me an iky feeling to act all monk like in the face of compliments or shareing.
Anyway.... Recently I have been doing a lot of arguing on the forums. I like To argue with skeptics particularly the militant kind. I don't know why I do it. I suppose I was always one to stand up to the bully on behalf of all those the wouldn't or couldn't. Several times in high school I piked fights with guys that were the traditional bully types just to show they were not nearly as tuff as they appeared to be. I suppose I still have that behavior, but am expressing it differently now.
To be able to hold your ground in that world, I have had to rely on my education and make sure i am quick with rhetoric, modern science, and quite a few other subjects that luckily I actually have an interest in and even some formal training. This makes me effective. Skeptics often get their panties ruffled when they can't find a way around it and can't make me out to look like some new age cook. The last resort is always to start claiming I'm dishonest, insane, or both. Note. The smarter ones do not do this. They are forced to understand that while not shareing my beliefs and experiences, that I can back them up logically. It's only the bully types that hike up their skirts in a huff.
So all this that I engage in sometimes forces me to take as honest a look as possible at myself..... And sometimes its true. I doubt my sanity, I ask myself how strong is my belief in god. I have stood befor god ( I think). There should be no doubt. I know. Are all these things just in my head. Some recent discussions around thought forms added more to the standard need for self reflective thinking.
Then it struck me... Where is that inner voice I have relied on so many times. Where is my dialog with god. I was not in a constant state of prayer like I have wanted to be. I have been distracted, rightfully doubtful, and stirring the pot of muddy waters. It was just today.... That I restarted my dialog with god, but it was one of those..... "Please god despit all that you have shown me, all that I know, I need to know its not just in my head...... I think I know..... I have seen things, been places, and done things.... But I also am aware that I have a powerful mind and a dream awareness that probably rivals anyone else in the world. How am I to differentiate. How do I know?"
I was changing my cloths in an old martial arts school I used to work at years ago. Long story short I had a falling out with the owner. I was young about 23. Without getting into the details an extremely manipulative woman entered his life and it ended very badly between us. So much so I have been careing a resentment and just loathing of the whole thing since. The incident gave me the push I need to start on my own, but it was so nasty in the end and guided by somone so narcissistic it has scared me to this day.
Anyway, I'm changing in this school and I don't even recognize it until this large Native American man opens the door. Now in the dream I know him, he was a former employee here aswell, but now I can see I have never seen him before.
He askes me what I'm doing here. I'm unable to answer him, I say I must have come here by accident. I apologize profusely still bewildered why I would ever be here. I hand him the key that I used to get in, and say I'm sorry. He says its ok but I better go. I do I leave. But I'm disturbed by a few things. One how this is all happening and two how its makeing me feel. My resentment is boiling.
( there is a whole other segment to this dream about a black monkey and me haveing my black monkey join his to cause him havoc which ties very deeply into some symbology of monkeys I have ran across lately. Including a full explanation of the negative but necessary quality of monkeys that I just got lectured on in real life from my qi gong teacher. The sequence is very odd and typically dream like and I want to get to the meat of what happens lnext)
Towards the end of the dream, I am sent a message on my iPhone. It's a link to a YouTube video. I swear to god it's he most disturbing thing I have ever seen in my life. The YouTube video is a malicious attempt to smear me to everyone I know and publicly at that. It goes through all of my flaws, has what can only be photoshopped pictures of those most important to me in symbolic scenerios. There are interviews with people that have witnessed the bad parts about me.
Now let's keep things strait here. I am a pretty good person. There are no super bad skeletons in my closet... Probably less than average actually, but there are a few. Particularly the thing I have been avoiding the most and its the fact that I'm an alcoholic. But I have had some relapses recently and have been shamefully hideing them like only a true alcoholic can. The images was shown on this video were intense. The narrator of the video was saying that I'm just above water.... At any second I could slip under again. It showed all of may children standing in water with half their faces submerged, the theme of a surface of water continued. Friends and family all standing in it. A good friend and student was holding his fingers above the water in a gesture that was saying you are this close buddy.
The video went on... It laid me bare to the world. It show pictures of me back handing my middle child. Something I have and will never do ever ever evrer ..... But certainly have shamefully felt like doing it since he is my most difficult and severely tests my patience nearly every day. It went on and on and brought me to my knees. Everything from typical male sexual thoughts to all the little evils in us that we are all guilty of but hide deep down inside even from ourselves.
I was devastated. At first I was angry and went on a rampage to discover who made all this bull****.... I watched it over and over again looking for clues. It would change and the pictures became more symbolic. I was still in denial and was prepared to fight for my good name. Then my final revelation was that it was all true. Every word of it, every picture had truthful meaning. Every interview was somone I had not done right by. I was ripped to shreds. Laid comepletely and utterly naked to the world. I cannot describe how this feels. It is so terribly defeating, yet strangely motivating to make things right and never let darkness come to fruit. Awareness and nakedness is something so very powerful. I can't explain it in words. I can't understand how something so negative can be so healing.
I did not wake up all the way. I woke up in sleep paralysis. My eyes came open. I couldn't move. I was crying though. My mind was buzzing with what just happened. I was faceing my 2 year old. His eyes sudenly come open. His hand reaches out and strokes my face. Then I receive a telepathic set if words.
----I'm always here, I always was, always will be.... -----
Then he pulls his hand back and my paralysis ends. I can't tell if he did it physically or not. I am crying still.
There is a god, there is a healing metaphysical reality, its all true. If you read this, even if you cannot believe that, never let anyone tell you dreams are just misinterpretations of random nuron firings. What a bunch of bull****. Look what just happened to me.
Thank you god for once again blasting me back to my senses. What a ******* ride you have given me. I will not forget, I will not slip under the water, I will not stop loveing. I don't care what is inside of me, I belong to you.