Yeaterday was a strange day. It started off normal enough. I was busy with my garden and putting finishing touches on the rabbit hutch I built for our new giant Flemish rabbits. It felt good to work in the sun. I have been under some stress lately, and it has been affecting me.
We took the kids to the Easter vigil. My wife is catholic. It was nice. I am not catholic he congregating with people in reverence still apeals to me even if I am unable to share all of their beliefs. The Christ story is beautiful and the the life of the man apeals to me, I even identify with it a little bit. Not that I am anything like Jesus, but a man haveing visions that traveled into the wilderness alone is a common theme amungst spiritul seekers. I don't mind reaching my children about it. It makes my wife happy and in my own way I love Christ. I don't mind haveing a an image before me that represents god and a story that goes with. I don't really care how accurate the events really are or If Jesus was really a man god. None of it concerns me that much.
My six year old. Asks me, " did Jesus come back to life daddy".
"Yes, that's what we are taught".
"Am I going to come back daddy when I die"
"I'm certain of it booba"
"Did they kill Jesus?"
"Yes they did."
"We'll I think they were afraid of him because he thought different than them and he refused to hide it."
"Did they hurt him daddy"
"Yes son they did"
"How come he didn't fight?"
" I think he knew it as going to happen and Jesus was a very special person. He did not believe in fighting only peace."
"But we fight, we do karate and you are the teacher"
"I know booba, you can choose that if you want to. But most men are not as good as a person as Jesus was.... Not even the best people that you know even me. But karate is not about fighting booba it's about loveing yourself. Still Jesus probably still wouldn't approve."
"How come he let himself die though?"
"He sacrificed himself for our sins booba, some say to forgive us for the bad things we do, some say to show us how bad we can be so that we can know that and work against it. He had to give everything so that we would know about ourselves and how bad we can be so we don't unkowningly become bad, this way we can choose to be good or choose to be bad, but we have no excuses because he showed us."
He thought about it for a minute
"I choose to be good daddy"
"Me too Booba"
The vigil and mass went they way they always do. I mange the kids while my wife performs her catholic rituals. I sway with music while holding my three year old and meditate on god as much as I can. I must admit, I am not impressed with this group of priests, but its not may place or religion.
The night isn't over. When we get home I'm restless. Everyone goes to bed, but my mind is raceing. There is a hoard problems ranging from my mothers health issues, the franchise tax board , to in laws, several sticky situations with clients..to some identity theft issues I'm dealing with. I'm feeling like I simply don't have what it takes to work through all this by myself. Circular churning starts up in my mind. I know that the night is going to be filled with dreams, I remember all of them and though I still rest, it's like I never really sleep. To lives one here one there... one foot in the oner world at all times. I start to think if I can only shut it off for one night. No dreaming. Only one thing shuts it off. There is bottle of jack Daniels locked up under the bar. It's very tempting. I can shut it off so easy. Impaired cognative function sounds sooooo very good.
I don't. That's not me anymore. But I feel like I might loose this battle soon. I have to get back to the wilderness, I have to return to my copeing strategies, I have to reconnect with the earth like I used to. I have engage my mind with things that are important instead of the hamster wheel I am thrown. I prayed to the great spirit for guidance. Shall I take medication? When is my mind going to top all this churning. Am to live my whole life with no break in this endless dreaming where is the balance. I do fall asleep considering a few shots a night. I just don't know what is worse.
Then I wake up. But I'm not in my bed. I'm in a prison yard. I'm a little confused at first. There are some old friends sitting around some tables. All my best friends from my life. Richard and Justin, my child hood best friends. Kevin my teenage best friend, and Tom, My adult best friend.
Very strange because all these guys don't know each other they represent different phases of my life. I asks them what happened, I'm not lucid yet. They tell me this story of a drunken massive party. That I had partied a drank myself into a stupor and had a lot of fun. Unfortunately all 5 of us had caused something and a lot of people got hurt. I was horrified. I could not remember any of it, but I was not lucid and I believed them. I asked a lot more questions about my behavior. They told me almost enjoying it like a hangover movie, but I was completely horrified. My family, my boys, my students, my comitment not to drink. I had just thrown it all away in a drunken stupper and now I was in prison and in cant even remember it.
About then one of my friend says I have to go to this window and check in or something. I do. The woman says I have a meeting with Somone and I will need to ware this restraining jacket and wait for my number to be called. The number is 42.
I return to my friends. The restraining jaket is a bit odd and flimsey. Im examining it and it just dosnt seem right. How is a jacket supposed to restrain me for this meeting I am to have when I have to put it on myself. Still the jacket is a little creepy. I don't want to put it on.
Non of it is makeing any sense, I'm starting to question my reality and become lucid.
One of my friends says " what's your number?"
"So your number is up at 42? I guess you shouldn't have been drinking"
My head snaps to face him. I am lucid now. That was a very clear message, and brings me to full lucidity the way that he spoke it. It was Richard. He smiles, he knows that I am aware now. I look at the Jaket. It represents a meeting with death.
I look back at him. " I understand"
"But what about the dreams. It's driving me insane."
"You know how to stop them. You have done it before. Rmember the lesson of the sand people. You shut your dreams off for an entire year. You have all that you need. I'll take that for now."
I hand him the Jaket.
"Your not a spirit guide are you?"
"No I'm not"
Then my eyes open.
Once again I am floored at the forces looking after me behind the scenes. I remember now. I did choose not to dream for an entire year. Its one of the most disturbing nightmares I have ever had and I simply gave up dreaming. I can do it again, and alcohol is permenantly off the table.
Thank you god.
And thank you for reading and letting me share this with you.