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A man awake

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A final journey?

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White Crane Feather


It's been a while since I blogged but I felt complied to share my journeys this weekend. I had finally gotten a chance to get away alone and do a true vision quest. I have been feeling like I need to make some changes and I needed some direction. I scheduled 5 days alone in the wilderness. 1 day for travel 3 days for questing 1 day for rest and travel out. The first day was sort of fun. I got there early and created my rock circle. I will not get into the specifics of this type of vision questing. It takes a lot of discipline and preparation.

I was fasting but I do allow myself to eat anything I can find and catch in nature. I feel that connecting internally with the land helps the process. First off I found a large patch of yampa Indian potatoes (a carrot relative), a forest of fire weed, and within moments I caught a very large trout. I was happy and had some decent curry spices with me for after the quest. I devoured the meal haveing been fasting for several days it was the best thing I had ever tasted.

Let the fun begin. The night was the usual attempting to meditate within the circle for the entire night. Not laying down and sitting up straight. I got to tell you it was rough on my back. I made it through ok with a sore rear end. I did not feel the typical fear boil up in the middle of the night alone and exposed in the wilderness. I have been alone in the woods so many times that I simply to not become anxious. When the morning finally came I was relieved. This is all very typical. Morning time weather you are anxious or not is a wonderful experience during a vision quest.

They day went by much the same. I was trying to hold one thought in my mind at all times, but as usual I found my mind wondering and watching the small little dramas that play out in the woods. Ants are always particularly interesting to watch. Even when these distractions creep I I try to relate it to myself and what lesson can be learned. At the beginnings of sleep deprivation you can come up with some pretty odd ideas.

Approaching the second night I was at that point that I want to quit. This happens every time. Why am I sitting in the woods for three days straight. I'm hungry, I'm thirsty, I miss my family, my back hurts, my butt hurts.

I know this place all to well. It's to easy to call it off. It takes a bit of fortitude. I pushed on. Now dreading the long cold night ahead I turn my attention to the stars.

Under the effects of sleep deprivation now I do start finding myself experiencing some of the basic anxiousness. Each time I hear something in the woods I fortify myself and Remind myself I am alone. I'm breathing deep trying to remain awake. I'm trying to use the stars as a point of focus. Strangely at several points it feels like I am among them. I start to become emotional. I really just want to go back to my hammock tent and sleep. I'm dozing. It's getting hard to sit up. I waiver a few times and I'm starting to have micro dreams. Nothing in particular. I'm not interested in basic dreams. I'm waiting for that moment that my mind is altered and I'm wide awake. I'm changing the channel to access new angles at some things I want to accomplish. I wonder if it will be one of my traditional guides? Will one come in person? Will it be cryptic or direct?

Then I'm overcome with emotion. Anxieties have left me, and again I am in full wonderment of the cosmos and the fact that I am partaking in a process that my ancestors and spiritual seekers have for many 10s of thousands of years before me. I spent the night fighting g the temptation to lay down, doze off, sleep. The battle in my mind wards off any sense of hunger. A good thing I caught that trout.

The morning breaks. It's a beautiful relief. But I'm groggy spacey. Trying to keep my mind on my objectives is nearly impossible. Every little noise snaps my head around. I'm starting to see things out of the corners of my eyes, and I can see periodolia faces in the trees and bushes.

Crap. I have fallen over and dozed off. Only a couple of minutes. The sun is still barely rising over the mountains. I straighten myself and start to have doubts.

I have got to move. I should not break the circle, but I can't help it I'm weak. I walk to the stream. A beautiful pool of water. I'm tired and there is a dullness in my ears. I lean forward then I think better of it. I'm a little disoriented i could fall in. In stead I lay on my belly on a flat rock and dip my head in. Still feeling guilty for having broken the circle, It felt completely amazing. I drag myself back a bit. I nearly doze off right there on the rock, but sit up right away feeling very light headed.

That's when it happens. A shuffle to my right and all of a sudden someone's s walking by me. Impossible I'm miles from any trail. There should be know one around here.

He says to me "nice to to dip in isn't." He was already moving past me and he jumps down on a rock. And basically lowers his head to the water not unlike I did but with a push-up.

I say "yeah...where did you come from"

His back is still to me " the same place you did".

He is strangely familiar. His shirt is off with short brown hair. He is in amazing shape. He looks like a professional athlete. His muscles are obviously howned through athletics not simply weightlifting. He seems a about my age and actually has a similar physic that I did 15 years ago.

Still with his back to me he jumps up and then finally turns to me for only a brief second. Sound is a bit muffled but he says well " have a nice day and enjoy yourself". The he turns and pounces up the rocks like mountain goat.

I could not say anything. For the brief few seconds I saw his face, he looked exactly like me!!!

Chills rock down my spine. I know I am mistaken, but I could swear this man was me but in the prime physical condition that I want to be in only can't seem to stop from going the other way.

I shake off the encounter as just part of questing. Obviously there is a deep desire in me to return to my physical state. The problem is that it happened so fast. I start to question if he were even there or not.

I dreadfully return to the circle trying not to doze and to meditate. Hundreds of half baked thoughts and attempts to refocus my mind shift through. Then the dreaded evening and night start to approach.

This is the night. My body should be fatigued enough to change the proper channel in my brain, but I'm feeling sick. I'm also feeling like I might pass out. The first half the night was a complete battle. I dry heaved several times, my head was splitting, the woods seem to be alive with faces and noise. I just couldn't take it. I'm not as young as I used to be the last time I performed this kind of vision quest.

----stop using that damned excuse--- my inner voice screams at me.

In weakness I concluded It was a bust. I was going to pass out on this rock and possibly not wake up. I practically crawled to my hammock tent in defeat. I'd not bother to eat or drink anything. I was barely strong enough to get in.

But something incredible began as soon as I was in the tent. At first it felt like one of the straps had come loose and I was sliding backward in my henassi hammock tent. I expected to hit the ground hard... But I didn't!!!!

Instead I kept sliding. Unbelievably far. It wasn't until I started struggling did I stop, and the tent wrapped around me like shrink wrap and at first I struggled. I was being attacked and suffocated. But I soon realized what had happened. I was in the spirit world. At the very last second the right conditions brought me to where I had been seeking. I relaxed. I calmed my mind and commanded the tent to fall off me. It got tighter. No! No! I know that's not the way to handle this.

I change my internal thought structure and i let it fall of me as if letting a towel fall off of me. It effortlessly slide away. The forest and the mountains were then revealed to me in their full glory. I was stunned to the core of my being at the beauty of the mountains and the stars melding together. There is no sky we are in it.

I stood there now fully emerssed. Out of body? Projected? Non of it mattered. This is no dream. I have never projected like that in my life. My tent was pulled right out from under me.

I walked down to the pool I mentioned earlier. As I expected she was waiting for me. Always around water it seems. The garden goddess smiled at me. So beautiful. I stepped into the water with her and embraced her.

I told her it was such a struggle to get here. I did not think I was going to make it .

"I knew you would little bear". ( a reference to the first time we met)

She felt so wonderful in my arms. Not like a female male thing. But this incredible spirit creature. Something so amazing its beyond words. I have often wondered if she is the collective feminine spirit. I don't know.

She held me for a bit. Then she separated. She told me that this is no ordinary journey. I quested for this for cleansing and clarity. You have asked, you performed the process and now you shall receive.

I asked her what that means exactly?

It means you are in for "one hell of a night".

I told her I did not want to see her go. She told me she knows but this was not about us it was about me.

"Good luck with love" she told me. Then in this amazing transformation worthy of a fantasy movie she slowly turned to water and liter dripped off of me.

I did not like the sound of her wishing me luck. It was very ominous. I never have heard her speak that way before.

Before I let it darken my mood, which is so very chaotic in spirit, I took off into the sky. Thinking. I guess I felt a little bit like Mr. Scrooge. I was in for "Hell of a night" she said.

I returned to my body to prepare myself for whatever was to come. I was back in an instant. I sat up and reached for my water bottle in some small way hoping It was all over.

No way. As I sat up, My hammock tent was released again. Down I slid. ---**** not again--- think about going down backwards down a water slide inside of a tarp.

The same thing happened it enveloped me eventually but I was able to release it by calming myself. I found myself in a meadow.

Waiting for me in the meadow was a teenaged girl with curly hair. It's hard to remember the exact conversation, but she said she was there to teach me. There was another young man there that seemed to be there for the same reason that I was. Anyway, the lessons on flight seemed to go on forever. She became increasingly interested the red orb I had received from the Pleiades spirit a few years back. I brought it forth and showed her how I could command it. I could make it grow, send it flying off, circles. Etc. it became odd because it was like I was there teaching her.

At some point she looked puzzled and said she was going to go consult with someone and that she would call for me. She took the other guy with her. I was left to mess around the meadow. I eventually willed myself back to my body and sat up again.

----that was strange---

I wondered if it were all over. I even got out of my hammock tent and retrieved my headlamp. I crawled back in and rested a bit. I was watching the trees and stars for a while and I figured it would all be over. I was wrong.

The dam hammock tent released again ---what the ****--

I have never experience such a jolt into he other world while I was wide awake ( granted I have been fasting and sleep deprived).

This time I was quicker though. I rolled out of it into the dirt of my camp. I pick myself up. Out of habit I dusted myself off. Looked to where my hammock tent was and it was hanging into the earth. Strange visual to say the least.

I looked around a bit a little annoyed at this stupid tent dropping thing. You would think with the powers that be, they could find a better way to rocket me into the spirit world other than yanking my hammock out from underneath me. I suppose deep down I side I know it's probably my own fear of the hammock falling that's causing it, but still I'll never Sleep properly in that thing Again.

Just about then she sort of materialized out the vines. She brought the others. They looked at first like a squad of older teenagers. But something was wrong. Their posture, their eyes, their body language was all preditor like .

It was subtle, but I teach self defense for a living and it was unmistakable.

She starts to speak but I stop her. There was no mistaken it when they all rushed me. About 6 of them. Instinctually I bolted into the woods, but about a second latter I remembered we are not in normal reality. I turned and let out a blast of white light. Nothing. They are even smiling at me wickedly. Then I bolt back into the forest.

Legitimately worried now I'm running out of tools I tried several times to manifest old weapons I had Ben able to manifest before, nothing was coming. I actually was started get to get a bit terrified. I tried to send myself back to my body, but this was not a night mare. I had opened up something nasty and it was coming

For me deep in the woods. I was alone. No sign of spirit guides. I was thrashing through woods trying to come up with some sort of defense.

What would happen when they have me. I knew in my heart the only way out of this is to stand my ground. I could hear them all behind me like nameless terrors cackling.

It came to me. Something i had heard of long ago. another person has faced an all out attack of seemingly evil entities . I placed my hand on a large pine. The trees and the plants have always been my anchors. I placed my other hand on the ground and I prayed. What came out of me was almost like a quote. "These are my roots, the earth is my mother, and this is my old friend that has supported me through all ages. I am as anchored as she. We share this earth and nothing can stand against us if we are together."

The cackling stopped. Long moments past as I simply let the tree and the earth posses me. I am the earth. Made from the earth and I express the consciousness of the earth.

Then emerged a beautiful Asian woman. She came close to me and straddled me. "You can take me. You have earned it."

I gathered the roots if the earth and my hand dug into the soil. I told her I am a man, but I only accept love not meaningless temptation. She faded away. Blue energy was coursing through my arms and connecting with the earth. Then the teenagers emerge. Wicked grimaces on their faces.

I told them I will not run. That the earth and its life stands behind me. The girl now exhibiting a contorted face asked me if I was so sure. I brought my hand from the ground and in it was a cross and a circle woven together from roots of the tree. It was sparkling with blue energy. I held up to her and she shrieked away from it. I then lashed out blue currents at the others and they all faded back into the woods.

I did not feel relieved. I felt love. A love for life emanating through me like never before. I had become part of the earth like I never had before. I did not wield the earth it wielded me. I fell to my knees in prayer. Eventually I found myself back in my hammock tent in tears. A couple if things I knew. I am now a vegan unless I pull my protein from the earth myself through fishing or raising animals. I will not be involved in the rape of this earth anymore. I still have a family in a modern society so they can only make their own decisions. I also will become that supply nimble and strong man for the earth and my family and students that visited me at the water hole. What ever psychological or spiritual forces that were working against me are beneath me. I will rise to be a champion for those that I love... My god, the earth, my family, my students.

I was shown my destiny. I don't suspect I will ever need another vision quest. But I will guide others. I will surrender myself to god and be what the universes needs. I am a vegan now except for that in which I fish for raise or catch. There were other things that night I just don't have the time. I met with my father and he chastised me for my eating habits and showed me my heart filling full of plack, why my blood pressure is so high, and how sensitive to food I really am. It was quite a night.

Thanks for listening. I'll blog once in a while but the nature if them are surely to change.

Take care.

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