I havnt really been updating this blog. It's been hard to write practically every morning. It seems that I become aware nearly every night now and, I slip out of body and make my way out there. I have been spending less and less time in this realm. For a while, I was shooting through space to visit various solar systems. I was marveling at the different look of different planets and their moons. I have seen binary planets and even one that was hit by something massive and was sort of spinning out of control. I have landed on a few. Some incredible landscapes and a vast aray of different kinds of worlds with swirling atmospheres and craters the size of moons. I was just interested. I investigate these things taking a neutral ground that it may be all in my mind, but really, i don't beleive that. I have simply seen to much.
I have moved out of that phase. There is more to see out there, or in here which ever it is, but I have been returning two more spiritual pursuits. I have found myself wanting more piece. I enjoy working: I like my job. Teaching children martial arts has been an amazing career and it's highly successful providing for my way of life and free spirit. God knows I have taken more time off more vacations to roam around the mountains,the coast, Yellowstone, Hawaii, and the desert than any working man my age deserves. I have a wonderful staff that allows me to do this. I can place my business in their hands and disappear whenever I wish. I have no complaint about how my business career has treated me. I have been home with my kids to take them to school, make breakfast, volunteer in their classes, and spent every day with them while they are toddlers. They're amazing little faces has become what I wake up to every single morning. I am not forced to get up every morning and go to work and miss out on all the important things that happen in a growing child's life. It has been tough at times. Taking care of three boys all day and not using daycare has been taxing on the way I used to exist before having them, but every moment has been worth it. They are incredibly intelligent, sensitive, rowdy, and there is this vibrant energy that glows around our house. It attracts all the kids in the neighborhood. They can sense the love and the family fortitude that surrounds us.
Another phase of OBE was happening for a while. I was surrendering to what God wanted me to do. I would exit my body go out into my yard look up at the sky and surrender myself to the universe and the intelligence behind it. I didn't like what was happening. This is hard for me to talk about because I don't want to sound like it is some sort of movie or that I am more special than anyone else. It also sounds terribly crazy, and I'm really just a normal dad. But, what good is a journal or blog if I can't speak the truth because of fear or social stigmatization.
The facts are, nearly every time upon surrendering myself, I was given instructions, phrases, images, or other methods of communication that led to someone or something that needed my help or that was going to happen. It started with the dream I had a number of months ago, where I met that man in that informory type place. I don't want to get into details, but it required me to be more involved in something than I wanted to be. Then another one, another vision, another person entering my life that I knew I had been instructed to do everything I could. Then another one. And again. These are not random things, I was explicitly directed to help and involve myself. In some ways I have gotten what I wanted. I always wondered what it was for. I was wanted to help people. I never totally understood the power of real shamanic activity. Now that it's here, I understand what the shaman really is. I understand their role and their revelations. I understand how strikingly real it is. Either that or I'm losing my mind.
Here's the thing. I don't want it anymore. I feel terrible. All this effort, all the seeking, and now when it's all right in front of me, I want to shut the door. I suppose that I thought there would be some kind of ending. Maybe like a movie or a book. I had an unconscious expectation that there would be some kind of closure at the end of the road. But there's not. There are endless people to help, endess problems, endless circumstances, endless children in need, torn families, Suicidal young people, rock-bottom adicts, and people with deeply troubled and dangerous thoughts.
I once asked God to show me why bad things happen. I told God I want to know, that I didn't understand, and that I demanded an answer. I didn't know how much I would dislike the answer. Bad things happen becuse people that can stop them from happening don't have the will. I don't have the will. I used to pride myself in always following through when someone was in need, to go the extra mile, to see it through to the end. I still try, but to be honest it's too much for me. What I I've discovered adds another layer that is far far to much. I belong to my children and my wife. It might be selfish of me, but I will not be surrendering myself to the universe anymore. I don't want any more instructions. I don't want to feel like I'm flirting with insanity anymore, and I don't want to feel responsible for Knowing things and trying to stop them. I will revisit all of this after my children are grown. I will be turning my attention to wards or inner peace and calm cultivation of self. But this will be a personal journey, so this will be the last entry in this blog. Those of you to read it, I thank you for your company, and your ear. Sharing with you has been a form therapy.
In closing I just wanted to say, that there is a God, there are angels, there are more places in the heavens that you can imagine. I know it's hard for some of you to believe, and I don't expect you to take my word for it, but Angels do look after you, they're constantly there, and they are constantly prodding others and circumstances trying as best they can to see you through life. They want you to be happy, healthy, and loved. I have seen these things, and I'm a personal wittness. I am not insane, i'm not trying to make money, I have no religious agenda, not a part of a cult, nor do I seek attention for myself. I'm a 36-year-old dad living a completely normal life ( besides all this of course). If you want to live a spiritual life it's up to you to seek it, but being spiritual is in no way a requirement to be a good human being in the eyes of God. God loves you. She loves you unconditionally…. Period. You don't need to please God, you don't need to worship God, God doesn't create rules, and God absolutely does not judge. God loves you Like a good dog or a small child. Absolutely, unconditionally, always waiting by the door, always hoping for your affection, and always hoping to please you. I suspect that's why we are here. If God created the universe which I'm not sure about, she did it not to be loved but to love. What else is there to do with eternity.
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