Looking Inward, Wretched Task

Entry posted by Beastly Decimal February 5, 2015

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Looking Inward, the Wretched Task

Some part of me recognizes that my trajectory is tilted. Who I proclaim to be and who I am are things entirely removed, existing in dimensions foreign and distant. Change is not impossible, but if it is to be achieve it must be done soon, with timidity lacking.

Then,

Where to start? This query sends me scurrying to my distractions, yearning for the plastic Elysium offered by my familiar ways. I'm not afraid to admit how I long ago forsook the path of righteous struggle for the ease promised by distractive ruin. I 'bauch out always with regret, regret soon swallowed by the simple pleasures I have made my nightly-bed company.

Ugh,

I wake with a headache, nightly dreams of glory lasting me through my daytime grueling trudge, through to my nightly ritual 'bauch out.

Still,

I'm filled with hope. Hope that tomorrow where sat weakness will stand resolve; where burned problems will soothe solutions – without moving a finger of mine.

Ha,

Spoken in this way the error of reason stands clear and bold. The fallacy hides when I'm 'bauching, and the dream silences all my objections. I keep my hands, legs, privates, teeth and tongue moving, dawn to dusk and through to the abyss, no sign of stopping. It is impossible thusly to employ but rudimentary brain function.

But,

On days like this, when I'm allowed to think and write without interruption, my crooked destiny stands clear next to my true path – thorny now, snowed over and unswept. Brain function half-mast I can readily identify the corridors of activity that will bring me the satisfaction I crave.

However,

Walking those corridors is impossible if I keep meandering in the Distractive Garden. Sometimes I'm conscious enough to realize how not-okay today is; then I breathe another round of sensory stimulation.

After all,

There's always tomorrow for self-realization.

Right?