FUN THINGS TO DO ON A DATE

(This may be your last date as well)

Warning: Actually doing any of the following will absolutely, positively

guarantee that your date will run quickly away from you screaming

something about you being completely insane...

1. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

2. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

3. Repeat every third third word you say say.

4. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

5. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms

outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

6. Order a bucket of lard.

7. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in

fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

8. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins

talking about himself/herself.

9. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

10. Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their

plate than they do.

11. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.

12. Drool.

13. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray

crumbs. if a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put

it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."

14. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head

waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the

restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask

him/her "What took you so long in the bathroom?!"

15. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their forearm. Keep bringing

the subject up periodically throughout the meal.

16. Refuse to communicate in anything but mime for the entire evening.

17. Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the

potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never

got". When the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one

back on your plate. Watch the waiter's face.

18. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.

19. Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces. In a

similar manner, insist that he take a bite of everything to make sure no

one has poisoned your food.

20. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.