This weekend we are having a retreat about care-giving those who are entering the last stage of their lives. My talk will consist of the actual relationship that is developed as well as the inner dynamics that are always present. If there is a royal pathway towards self knowledge, care giving is it. To care for another, be it a family member, or if on a more professional level, say in a nursing home, it is probably one of the most intimate relationships one can have. Taking care of someone is not just about the physical, though that is primary; it is about the emotional bounding that also develops. Of course like any relationship there will be times of stress as well as humor and joy. There will also be fatigue and the need to learn about self care. Then to develop the humility that allows the caregiver to speak up when needed, especially when addressing the family about assistance.

There is a dance that can develop, that is irrational to its core, where the caregiver will not allow anyone to help, because no one else can be trusted, and then, to complain because no one will help them. To say this is frustrating is an understatement. In some situations family members stay away because of this dynamic. So it is important for whoever is the primary caregiver to understand the need to deal with power and control issues. If not, the problems of stress and isolation will only build.

One-on-one is of course more intense than for those who work in an environment where there are other people to care for. Work environments have certain hours and staff, home caregivers usually do not have that. Sometimes it is because help is not sought, but the resulting fatigue and anger is still very real from feeling isolated. Seeking help is essential.

Dealing with anger is also something that has to be faced. Elder abuse can happen anytime and it may be only be once, yet the resulting guilt can be overwhelming. It can also lead to further instances when the pressure gets to be too much. That is why self knowledge is important. To know personal limitation and knowing when to seek help, both in caring for the patient/family member, as well as yoursef if needed. Over a long period of time, professional help may be called for if the tension between the caregiver and patient/family member becomes worse. We can all get trapped in cycles where it may be impossible to break unless someone from outside is brought in.

Those in the immediate family need to be kept in the loop at all times. Isolation is never an acceptable situation when the weight of care giving falls on a family member. Often some families are more than happy to leave the caregiver alone and isolated. Fear can be one of the reasons, as well as the pain that accompanies seeing a loved one ill and dying. Depression can often accompany caregivers, as well as the danger of developing serious infirmities because of stress. There is also a danger of developing severe back problems because of the lifting and turning.

There is also taking care of the emotional and spiritual needs of the one being taken care of. The right kind of music is really helpful. I remember Fr. Edmund loved “Billy Holiday’, and he could not hear it enough. I think he was reliving a very happy time of his life. Also on the spiritual level, using devotions that they loved is always helpful. One day Br. William was having a hard day, so I started praying the rosary out loud. It calmed him down and he joined me in prayer.

One of the most important aspects of care giving when dementia is a factor, is to enter into their world when they seem out of touch with ‘today’, but are reliving something from the past. To go along with it, is good for them, and it brings them back to the present sooner than if trying to argue with them. It is their world, in order to help; the care giver needs to be a part of theirs.

In order to keep care given meaningful, it is important to deepen ones faith to grow in the knowledge of the sacred aspect of what is being done when caring for another human being. It can keep one centered if ones relationship with the Infinite is brought into all aspects of care giving. Both for self and others, this can actually keep burn out at bay. Don’t underestimate the workings of grace.