Okay, first of all: Yes, this is another of the same type of blog but I really liked the writing of this one so I wanted to post it. It's a bit more light hearted and less complainy, more motivational or something I don't know. Also 1000 words is really not all that much. I think I am going to make that my daily goal.
If I could change anything about my life, I would change everything. Oh to once again experience the joys of simply being. Of knowing what I want to do and then doing it. To be free from the constraints of adulthood and the expectations of a flawed society. If I could go back in time, I’m afraid I would never stop. I would just keep going back, righting wrongs, correcting all of the mistakes I’ve made, all of the wrong decisions until my right decisions cause the later decisions to never have happened. I sometimes think if I had just done or said this one thing differently, the rest of my life could be completely changed. I could be married with children in another timeline. I could be alone and happy in another. And in yet another timeline, I could be dead.
But still, I think perhaps the timeline I have made for myself is most likely the worst one and most definitely the only one. Because I don’t think time travel will ever be a possibility. It’s just too complicated and more akin to magic than science. Even if someone did discover the secret and invent a fully functional time machine, why, I would never get to use it. ME, a lower class and by then probably elderly man? Ha! They would laugh right in my holographic face. I guess there is naught for me to do but accept the fate I’ve been given. Or maybe attempt to change it and fail miserably.
I do try to change it sometimes. Just recently I sent an email to a girl who I let slip away without revealing to her my affections. I hope she gets it before it’s too late. And maybe that’s all she needed from me to know that I returned her feelings. Perhaps she’ll break up with that boyfriend of hers and come running to me and jump in my arms like in all the fairy tale movies and romantic comedy novels. One can only dream. I still think about her. It’s been nearly two months now and still I can’t get her out of my mind. Not that I’m actually trying. I like having her in there. It’s comforting in a world that is very uncomfortable to me.
Everything about my life upsets me now. From work to “home”, even the things I used to enjoy, like reading and watching television. It’s all a chore, it’s all necessary. It’s all things I have to do and not what I want to do. It’s infuriating. And I think it’s starting to show. I am angry a lot lately. It doesn’t take much to just completely p*** me off. Then I’m slamming things around, spouting obscenities. Co-workers go silent. Probably simultaneously thinking “Whoa, he can talk!” and “Holy cow, he is maaaaad.” Then I realize what I’m doing and I get all embarrassed and nervous and that p***es me off more. And then when work is over I get to go home. Free and comfortable, right? WRONG.
Home, in some ways is worse than work. All because of a certain little pain. This pain is something I unfortunately have to live with strictly for financial reasons, you understand. The pain lives with me because of a symbiotic relationship with my cousin and best friend. So it’s kind of weird for me. How can something I loathe so passionately be that close to someone who means so much to me? It baffles me to no end. The worst part is, he loves this pain. I can not understand how. Probably because it’s the first one that ever loved him. But hey, whatever. I’m not about to try and break up a relationship, especially when it’s my best friend. Anyway, this pain of his, has invaded my space and transformed my entire living area into a den of unfamiliarity. Also, its items have completely taken over all of the space on the shelves and cabinets, to the point where there is next to no space for my items. It rearranges things almost compulsively to the point where I never know for sure where anything is. It cooks sometimes but when it does, it cooks some authentic stuff from its homeland which I’ve come to find out, is basically all the same, just prepared differently. It gets annoying. And on top of all that, the thing pretends I am not even here. It never speaks to me, even when I try to be friendly and greet it, make a joke or something, it doesn’t even acknowledge my presence. So I have decided to return the favor and treat it like it treats me.
Hopefully soon, and I mean in the next couple of months soon, I will have a new job, some objects paid off and finally be able to afford to move out of this pit of hell, I have somehow ended up in. Then, I bet my entire demeanor and personality will change for the better. And If I can make a habit out of this writing thing and get in shape. Maybe by the time, all of that happens, that girl will check that message and maybe her eyes will light up when she sees my name. Maybe she’ll reply and agree to meet up and talk. Maybe I will be able to tell her how I feel. Maybe she will feel the same, maybe she will lose the guy she’s with somehow. And maybe, just maybe she’ll be with me. And perhaps that is how the rest of my life will go. I will have a career and a wonderful woman, enough money to support a family and maybe just maybe I will be happy.
All I have to do is not just think about this. Not just say it out loud, not just write it down or type it out. I need to actually go out and do it. And it starts tomorrow. Tomorrow, I say!