In an earlier entry I mentioned that I am not actually "happy" and that society seems to interpret this as saying that I am a miserable person, which I am not.
In that light I also say the same about esteem; I do not have a "high" opinion of myself nor do I feel worthy/smart/capable or whatever the popular buzz-words are these days. I do not feel optimistic nor do I feel that I actually "matter" to anyone. That said it is natural that people in this society think that I must therefore be depressed and that I live a horrible life of endless despair.
Well, no, this is not true. I do not harbor the feelings of esteem that many kids and adults are told they must feel in order to be happy individuals. I do not feel important and I do not feel that the world improved or gained because of my birth into this world. I do not see myself as brimming with intelligence or proclivities and I certainly do not feel optimistic about my life.
So how DO I feel? The short answer simply is "I don't know.". Everything we are told we are supposed to feel is completely subjective, arbitrary and relative. I am not intelligent and I have no "gifts" or special abilities. I do stuff. Period. I do not feel the need to be unique or special because I am not, this statement is not meant to illicit feelings of pity or sorrow for my condition because none of it is needed or wanted.
For example, I like cats...so do millions of other people. I also love dragons as do millions of others. Sometimes I do some manga-style sketching as do millions of others. I am very skeptical of any claims of psychic abilities, contacts with aliens and spooks and any claims that rely, not on science or evidence, on blind belief in order to be thought of as valid. So do millions of others.
I am trying to learn another language...so are millions of others. There are even others who have my name and ,probably by some odd twist of coincidence, also have my last name too. Do these facts bother me? Pfft! Of course not. Why would it? I am just one in 7+ billion people, the idea of uniqueness kinda became obsolete and irrelevant decades ago when I realized the mass-mind job that was being done to us kids in school.
Anyways...how do I feel about myself? I already know what society claims I should feel (this self esteem idea is not shared by all countries, you know) but what I do know is that I am just a person. Period. All that I am is based on what others tell me including my "skills", I am only considered "good at" something because the very concept relies entirely on the perceptions and judgements of others. I can prance around claiming I am "good" at sketching but if the input of others tells a vastly different story then maybe there is some truth to their claims.
Point is that I do not feel I am worthy or deserving of anything in particular; this is not to imply I won't necessarily say something if I was cheated out of something or accused of something I didn't do but at the same time I can only do what I can and if I don't succeed or get hired then I don't succeed or get hired.
Naturally we are expected to prop up ourselves and others because collectively we hate being seen as average; after all we have been told all through our growing years (most of us anyways) how wonderful and exceptional we are and that we are all supposed to think of ourselves as such. Sorry. Won't happen here. Not with me. No exceptionalism here. I fully acknowledge that there are millions who are tons better at everything than I am and this does not bother me one iota.
I am not an unhappy, miserable wretch. Just a human that refuses to think of oneself as special or unique and does what it can to get by. Nothing more. I do stuff and if I somehow manage to succeed then fine and if not then nothing is lost and that is just fine with me.