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What do I feel, really?

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Ryu

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In an earlier entry I mentioned that I am not actually "happy" and that society seems to interpret this as saying that I am a miserable person, which I am not.

In that light I also say the same about esteem; I do not have a "high" opinion of myself nor do I feel worthy/smart/capable or whatever the popular buzz-words are these days. I do not feel optimistic nor do I feel that I actually "matter" to anyone. That said it is natural that people in this society think that I must therefore be depressed and that I live a horrible life of endless despair.

Well, no, this is not true. I do not harbor the feelings of esteem that many kids and adults are told they must feel in order to be happy individuals. I do not feel important and I do not feel that the world improved or gained because of my birth into this world. I do not see myself as brimming with intelligence or proclivities and I certainly do not feel optimistic about my life.

So how DO I feel? The short answer simply is "I don't know.". Everything we are told we are supposed to feel is completely subjective, arbitrary and relative. I am not intelligent and I have no "gifts" or special abilities. I do stuff. Period. I do not feel the need to be unique or special because I am not, this statement is not meant to illicit feelings of pity or sorrow for my condition because none of it is needed or wanted.

For example, I like cats...so do millions of other people. I also love dragons as do millions of others. Sometimes I do some manga-style sketching as do millions of others. I am very skeptical of any claims of psychic abilities, contacts with aliens and spooks and any claims that rely, not on science or evidence, on blind belief in order to be thought of as valid. So do millions of others.

I am trying to learn another language...so are millions of others. There are even others who have my name and ,probably by some odd twist of coincidence, also have my last name too.  Do these facts bother me? Pfft! Of course not. Why would it? I am just one in 7+ billion people, the idea of uniqueness kinda became obsolete and irrelevant decades ago when I realized the mass-mind job that was being done to us kids in school.

 

Anyways...how do I feel about myself? I already know what society claims I should feel (this self esteem idea is not shared by all countries, you know) but what I do know is that I am just a person. Period. All that I am is based on what others tell me including my "skills", I am only considered "good at" something because the very concept relies entirely on the perceptions and judgements of others. I can prance around claiming I am "good" at sketching but if the input of others tells a vastly different story then maybe there is some truth to their claims.

Point is that I do not feel I am worthy or deserving of anything in particular; this is not to imply I won't necessarily say something if I was cheated out of something or accused of something I didn't do but at the same time I can only do what I can and if I don't succeed or get hired then I don't succeed or get hired.

Naturally we are expected to prop up ourselves and others because collectively we hate being seen as average; after all we have been told all through our growing years (most of us anyways) how wonderful and exceptional we are and that we are all supposed to think of ourselves as such. Sorry. Won't happen here. Not with me. No exceptionalism here. I fully acknowledge that there are millions who are tons better at everything than I am and this does not bother me one iota.

I am not an unhappy, miserable wretch. Just a human that refuses to think of oneself as special or unique and does what it can to get by. Nothing more. I do stuff and if I somehow manage to succeed then fine and if not then nothing is lost and that is just fine with me.


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XenoFish

Posted

Welcome to my world. :tu: 

I really consider it just Being. You exist for the sake of existing and you do whatever you do for the sake of doing it. In the short and long term nothing really matters. So enjoy the ride.

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Yeah. That pretty much is it. I just exist.

I won't necessarily say that nothing matters but at the same time I fully realize that except for maybe my parents, I am not important to anyone, even that concept is purely a human created concept, not that it is bad but it is not something that exists by itself in nature.

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quiXilver

Posted

universally, nothing matters

within unity awareness there is no relative good or evil, only what is

and all of what is, is all interconnected with everything else...

 

 

relatively, everything matters

deeply imbued with meaning is everything on the level of duality, this and that, me and other

health, family, environment becomes monstrously (literally sometimes) important.

 

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sees

Posted (edited)

Unless we are static/stuck, then we are in a slow and constant state of change.  Is how you feel about yourself now the way you have always felt? 


It is interesting that you say you are just a person.  Spiritually, the ego is seen as an illusion - that our true essence is our soul/spirit that can be experienced/accessed through such mediums as meditation.

 

Self esteem is influenced by the perception that others have about ourselves as well as our personal appraisal of who we are and what we are worth.  Low self esteem is at the root of so many problems but it is possible to develop our potential - even surprise ourselves with what can be achieved!  There is a difference between being egocentric (full of yourself) and being empowered (cultivating a strong mental constitution - being a survivor).  I am the latter i.e. don't have a victim's mentality.  I also happen to have high self esteem which is not to say I am big headed (e.g. I take on board constructive criticism and am open to self improvement) but that I am confident and in harmony with myself/centred.

You seem to be in a neutral space so maybe not much gets to you?  It's good that you are not being swayed by society's conforming tendencies.

Edited by sees

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XenoFish

Posted

Those things which have meaning were given that mean by your choices. Without meaning they are meaningless. Life is existence, from the first breath to the last. What you make of your life and who you choose to become is up to you. To exist, to live, and to act. In the end we all die and our lives soon forgotten. We either make a dent in the world or we're just a number. Life is absurd enjoy it.:tu:

me-i-want-to-end-this-absurd-and-meaning

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sees

Posted (edited)

@XenoFish I agree that we give life meaning.  I went through an existentialist phase.  However it was too bleak, dark to stay in that space.  Cultivating a positive mindset has so many benefits!  Life is often absurd, yes, but also has magical moments of love, inspiration....so many other facets to it - including bliss!  Depends on focus.  Like my signature denotes.."It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see...." (Henry D. Thoreau)

Edited by sees

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It's refreshing to come across someone, in this day and age of assumed entitlement, who can see how truly un-special we all really are. That's great place to begin each day. 

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I think this is the platform in which much of our society's dysfunctions rest on; this idea that we are all just these uber-speshul creatures that the world cannot possibly do without.

In light of the subject I also do not "believe" in myself either. This platitude never made sense to me and while I am sure it was supposed to have elicited the Pavlovian response where someone smiles blankly and suddenly assume they can do anything (even though they keep failing spectacularly).

Do I "believe" in my abilities? Nope. Either I can or I cannot, there is no "believe" at play. I can try and if I succeed then great, if not then that's that.

I don't really think life is absurd so-to-speak, it is just life. We are all born and we live our lives. Period. It doesn't matter if we pass namelessly through or not. In the end it is the actions that create impetus, not names or how special someone thought themselves to be.

In the end we all die and go into the same box and get interred into the same earth one way or another.

 

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sees

Posted (edited)

 

11 hours ago, Ryu said:

 In the end we all die and go into the same box and get interred into the same earth one way or another.

Yes - in the end we all die - which is not to say that many cannot make a difference to the quality of life before that!  It struck me that, in order to justify feeling 'just a person' you may be underplaying the reality that some people do indeed have special talents, abilities .... hey, some are even heroes!  I hope that you acknowledge this.  There's a difference between 'needing to feel unique' and standing out in the crowd by what people are or do, i.e. there's a reality going on here that I had the feeling your attitude might be undermining; it smacks slightly of being sour grapes....I hope not.

Edited by sees

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I am not denying or undermining the concept that people can have skills that are useful and that there are those who have a greater proclivity for certain things.

What I am trying to convey, albeit poorly, is that on the other hand the very term "talent" is dependent upon how other people i.e society define it. To me it seems that it is all about definition, in a society that is deteriorating economically, the issue of how well someone can utilize oil paints becomes pointless when what they need is people who can unclog sewer pipes or clean hospital rooms.

Also I do not think that our collective "purpose" (assuming for the moment that this even exists) is to make an "impact" but rather to just live without hurting others and raising better kids that won't fall apart because they can no longer buy cheese crisps or subscribe to cable tv because it is too expensive. We need to more than just make a better world for the next generation and that is to raise a better generation that is emotionally resilient.

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Yes talent can look superfluous over much more important tasks....but then there are heroes, i.e. truly exceptional people.

I did not use the word 'purpose' but offered how it is possible to bring quality to life before dying.  Doing no harm to others is a good moral. Being emotionally resilient depends on someone's constitution i.e. some are born being more sensitive than others - some tougher.

There are many things that would make this world a better place...not least of all, having more compassion/tolerance.

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Yup. Tolerance and compassion is a good thing.

Sometimes I do wonder just how our society has gotten to the point where even the idea of being "exceptional" has become meaningless as we hand out silly ribbons to kids, for example, just because they do things that they should already be doing such as showing up for class or behaving like they are expected to behave.

 

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preacherman76

Posted (edited)

Wow, aside from a couple small differences, this is exactly how I feel. The only thing that really gives me a sense of purpose is my two boys. Some days even that feels more like an obligation then a desire. Though I never let on that that is the case. If all I ever get out of life is knowing they were better off for having me around, then I will consider my time spend here a success. Aside from that I'm ready for the next phase, at any time. Even if that next phase is nothing at all.

 

Edited by preacherman76
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Alamort

Posted

I am grateful having read this. Having sense of relatedness is important to us.. To be ok by not feeling ok,or not really knowing how you feel. Its interesting to me when I find myself in the public and customer service employee of some sort may ask "oh hi how are you doing"?  Not only are we on "autopilot" with people that we dnt "know",but also with 1s we do kno including family,loved 1's. I'm guilty of doing it as I admittedly can say even myself sick of hearing my negativity. I am my own worst enemy and have by all practical purposes chosen to be miserable. A life thus far made of horrible choices,and as the yrs fly by I watch my life pass me by. Capable of being honest with myself but not doing anything abt it. I can relate and than some with you..I actually dnt  think that most even kno what true happiness is our western civilization anyways. Perhaps, equated and attributed I'd imagine to feeling sense of elation say? Getting new car. Or, a promotion and lets not forget finding out someone attractive likes you desires you. I can honestly say that I dnt know what happiness really is but I do kno that this isn't these lil drabbles if you will. Ultimately you've gotten yourself into trying to acheive continuously comparing always. I blv having a sense of peacefulness truly embodies happiness a sense of being content. 

Choices? Yes, to a certain extent we do have a choice. There are some that ride on this perspective and school of thought tho that have come to surrender tho. I'd like to kno how the hell someone can convince themselves entirely that all that is essential? Is just making a choice. Therefore I was posed question. Do you wish to be miserable and angry dragging my story my ego my this my that 2 recieve pity,sense of compassion or just any kind of attention cuz that's what I'm really after. I'd like to know how 1 can choose to be happy all the time and never feel anything else. Is this even being fair to yourself by "programming" yourself safe guarding is what I also blv it is self preservation running away from your own true feelings just bury's oneself! Lemme say this from experience too and what better way than that. Cuz anyone can jump on literature but cld this woman or did she eva  tell me smthng intimate ? I asked myself while in the midst of wanting to attempt suicide. Standing atop a ladder in my garage with cord draped around my neck crying uncontrollably just wanting out. The feeling of such despair and agony my heart hurt my head so messed up. Annoyed, frustrated dealing with only an intellect not feeling a thng from this lady as she didn't ask for my heart now did she? I put myself out there and away it went spiraling out of control a deep connection that begun with having such an amazing intuitive feeling. Smthng I hadn't even known to exist cuz yes I have read but just like ghosts if I have seen ? What I do know is this- I've seen beauty once the thy most amazing epiphany came to me and tis funny sometimes to me I've heard or read abt people claiming to have had. To each is own I get it ,but if your having an epiphany every week? I question the legitimacy. Anyways,I stepped dwn off of that ladder with having come to have such a profound realization. Yes, I understand one cannot truly love another until they love themselves and any admission of having self hatred really puts ya on whole other level huh? Or, does it? Well, lemme think abt this now cuz lemme ask? I ask myself hmm so how does 1 truly know that they have just enough self love or there's absolutely no doubt that I love myself. Matter of having self respect,dignity, etc. I get it yes the essential ingredients right? Nonetheless, always questioning form ,labels and definitions and not blving in such and why? What difference does it make or will ever make if you can just choose? What I came to feel was such the most amazing feeling at bottom of ladder I was crying so badly not cuz I felt such self hatred no. It was becuz I feel such love for myself and beyond the deepest most loneliness darkest pain that I have ever felt I had felt such this warmth engulf upon me having such a sense of being proud whom I am what I stand for. So, I came to this-To have compassion for another human being and feel for them you shld have sense and know self compassion and dwn the line having self love to be able to love another and we all can relate to 1 another to an extent as we all have our own personal struggles and the most important 1 that we do have? Is the 1 that we have with ourselves. Therefore, learning self forgiveness and truly being able to forgive yourself let go can lead you to this supposed happiness i wld imagine. Cuz if u can forgive yoself?  Easy huh? Pfffft. 

Thank you again for being honest and opening yourself up. Its very refreshing and I am very appreciative.     

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