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UM's First Whack A Bedazzled Zombie Triathlon

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Taun

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This coming weekend - July 8th - marks the inaugural Whack A Bedazzled Zombie With A Whiffle Bat Triathlon and Taffy Pull...

Firstly, the committee would like to thank the many volunteers who gave up their free time to leave their dungeon cells and bedazzle the many zombies that had "volunteered" to participate – the results were even more spectacular than we had thought and has opened up a new line of employment for our hordes of Zombie minions – they can now be rented out as Ambulatory Disco-Balls! (See your local Head Inquisitor or Chief flogger for details and pricing)

Also, the efforts of the volunteer crews to outfit the bedazzled zombies with roller skates has been completed successfully (Checkout the on line videos of the hilarious results of the bedazzled zombies trying to learn how to shamble on roller skates – only available on UM’s highly secret – and impossible to access – video website “DungeonTube”)…  So thanks to all you volunteers!

The course for the Triathlon has been set, and crews are out setting up traps, snares, pitfalls, snack stands and porta-potties along the way. Here are the course details:

-First Stage

The start line is at the southern entrance to the World Famous UM Opera House Roller Rink. All 11,328 (and a half) zombies are already lined up and in their starting cages… At the start signal the cages will be opened and a giant jello mold in the shape of a large brain will start moving out along the roller rinks tracks on a disguised golf cart – the zombies will naturally follow… The brain cart will make one lap around the three mile long roller rink track, and then exit out the southern loading dock doors – which will be propped open… As soon as the last zombie roller-shambles out of the Opera House Roller Rink, the contestants will be released to chase after them… The contestants must complete three laps of the Roller Rink track – during which time they will be allowed to “whack” each other with their whiffle bats – before they can exit out onto the Grand Processional Way after the roller-shambling zombies…

The brain-cart will lead the zombies straight down the newly widened Grand Processional Way (widen by virtue of the recent accident with the Grand Ballroom rolling down the street – flattening many small buildings and obstructions – see my report on the First Annual UM Tennis Shoe and Tuxedo – Wear It Backwards Ball and Melted Crayon Art Show)… Once the brain cart reaches the Great Southern Wall and Bastion (the new site of the Grand Ballroom), it will exit the central compound and at that point the first stage is complete…

-Second Stage

Immediately after exiting the Central Compound, the roller skates will be removed from the zombies, by UM citizens who are currently “residing” in the Community Jail (mostly for heinous crimes such as not eating all of their vegetables, failing to respectfully doff their Lurkers Beanie caps to passing mods, being wrong on the internet, etc.)... During this time the contestants chasing the Zombies with their plastic whiffle bats, will be stopped at the Great Southern Wall Main Bastion, until such time as the zombies are all de-roller skated and equipped with their own UM racing tricycle (left over from this Springs Tricycle Race Demolition Derby and Chili Cook-off)…

Once all the zombies are on their trikes, the brain-cart will again start moving – straight down the Great Southern Freeway and across the Southern Artillery Impact Zones located in the scenic Burbling Lava Fields… From there – at about the midpoint – the course takes a sharp right turn and eventually enters the Mysterious Mangrove Swamps of Misery… This ends the second stage…

-Third Stage

At the check point in the Mysterious Mangrove Swamps of Misery, the zombies will be taken off of their tricycles (most will have been tied on) and allowed to run (well… shamble semi-aimlessly) to the finish line… Once they are all ready, the brain-cart will again resume the course and lead the zombies straight across the Mysterious Mangrove Swamp of Misery, through the Burning Desert of Itchy Sand, along the Insanely Twisting Highway of Ridiculous Danger, and back to the finish line at the South Western Gatehouse and Brewery…

Contestants will be allowed to run freely for the first two stages, but at the third stage must be mounted on a UM approved Assault Pogo Stick (no jet assist allowed)…

Zombies may only be whacked with the approved (and provided) UM Plastic Whiffle Bat – and nothing can be added to the bat (i.e. no nails, explosives, glue or any other substance or object)… 1 Point is awarded to each contestant for each bedazzle jewel that they can whack free from a zombie – however some jewels have a special marking on them that will cause the contestant who collects it to gain 50 points for each special jewel… And as all bedazzle jewels were individually numbered (by writing very very very very small) at the conclusion several numbers will be drawn lotto-style for special awards and prizes…

There will be absolutely no bribery allowed during this event (unless of course you bribe an official to allow further bribery) – so it is entirely up to you the contestant to “Whack that zombie”!...

Following the return of the zombies to their holding cells, the contestants are invited to a massive taffy pull party and dance…

The triathlon begins sharply at 8 AM (ish) and concludes when the last zombie is whacked back into their holding cells…

So come on out and bring the kiddies!

 


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ouija ouija

Posted

Taun ........ er .......... um ....... have you ever considered seeking professional psychiatric help? :P 

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tcgram

Posted

Well dang, I was going to bring my own wiffle ball bat to the festivities.....

119fdd2523e4f774176c23e49469ff8f--brass-

 

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Taun

Posted

2 hours ago, ouija ouija said:

Taun ........ er .......... um ....... have you ever considered seeking professional psychiatric help? :P 

Why? Are they good at setting up events like this?

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Taun

Posted (edited)

56 minutes ago, tcgram said:

Well dang, I was going to bring my own wiffle ball bat to the festivities.....

119fdd2523e4f774176c23e49469ff8f--brass-

 

The whiffle bats we use for Squiggle and porcupine herding are NOT allowed! (We are planning to be able to reuse these zombies for later events)

Edited by Taun
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spud the mackem

Posted

2 Zombies in a café ...one said I wish you would stop dipping your bread in my arm......yuk

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spud the mackem

Posted

2 zombies walking ....one said lend me your eyes I've lost my glasses

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Taun

Posted

The First Annual Whack A Bedazzled Zombie With A Whiffle Bat Triathlon and Taffy Pull after action report…

I apologize for the delay on this, but events conspired to delay me – as outlined in the report below…  But eventually I did make my way back to my dungeon cell and am now ready to post the results of the recent festivities…

The crowds of spectators and contestants began forming up behind the start line as early as 9PM the night before (7 July – Pago Pago Central Daylight Standard Time –plus or minus a bit)… Many vendors were on hand to cater to the crowd’s needs with such delicacies as squiggle-on-a-stick, fried porcupine bits, anteater tacos and other such regional tidbits… There was a decidedly festive feeling in the air as the crowd snacked, chatted and teased the caged zombies for hours on end, while they awaited the dawn and the start of the triathlon…

As the event reached it’s start time the UM Royal Opera and Sewage Treatment Company arrived on stage and the orchestra began tuning up (“tune up” is the only song they know how to play), Prima Donna Francine Trogg began singing “The Ride of the Valkyrie” in her helium enhanced falsetto… and the zombie cage gates opened with a tremendous “klang!”…

Hordes of roller-skating bedazzled zombies began lurching about aimlessly, until the specially disguised golf cart carrying the giant brain shaped jello mold began driving down the wooden roller derby track that circles the Opera Houses central stage. Spying the cart’s movement the zombies gave a great cry of “Brrrraaaaaaaiiiiiiinnnnnnnsssssss!” and began skating after it… The crowd and contestants cheered and laughed as they watched the zombies attempt to roller skate, but some contestants made note of where the zombies fell and all the bedazzle jewels that fell off of them…

Eventually the last zombie managed to complete the required single 3 mile long lap and exit the building, and at that moment the judges released the contestants, who were required to run three complete laps around the rink…

It’s amazing how many contestants had thought to bribe the judges to “forget” about the three lap requirement… The vast majority of the contestants simply ran straight for the exit door and within moments were amidst the roller skating zombies, merrily whacking away with their whiffle bats… The few contestants who did not forego the run, made the best of the situation by picking up the bedazzle jewels that had fallen off of the zombies when they fell while attempting to skate after the brain cart…

It should be noted that the Grand Processional Way is steeply sloped to the south and this aided many of the zombies in avoiding the majority of the contestants… The first leg of the triathlon was expected to take a full two hours but actually took less than 15 minutes, as the masses of zombies hurtled past the stage one end line at over 50 miles per hour! Giant cargo nets that had been stretched across the road stopped most of the zombies, and those that missed the nets were stopped - very abruptly - by the Great Southern Wall…

While the disappointed contestants were made to wait (and sulk), the zombies had their skates removed and then were tied onto their completion tricycles… This allowed the judges to circulate among the contestants and count their points thus far… Seventeen contestants were disqualified for having stuffed their pockets with bedazzle jewels before the race began (and not paying sufficient bribes to make the foul “go away”)… At the end of the first stage the top three contestants were Horace Higginbotham (135 jewels), Mai Ling Liu Murphy (119 jewels) and Rosetta Gulch (98 jewels) – this was simply a jewel count and not taking into consideration special jewels that add more than a single point….

Eventually the remaining zombies (only thirty seven and three-quarters were lost during the first stage) were all tied down to their tricycles and lined up and the start signal given (a Saturn V rocket was launched next to the start line in an attempt to put UM’s first communications satellite in orbit)… The second stage had to be delayed briefly as the rocket misfired, fell over and launched horizontally down the highway narrowly missing the judges tower – making UM the proud owners of the first communications satellite in Antarctica (on the ground anyway)…

After the fires were put out and the brain cart replaced (and the judges changed their underwear) the second stage began with a simple shout of “Go!”

The newly replaced brain cart drove off along the – now deserted - Great Southern Highway followed closely by the 11,290 (and three quarters) remaining zombies… After a ten minute wait, the contestants were allowed to chase after the zombie trikers…

The second stage ran rather smoothly, marred only by the appearance of the Renegade Beer Balloon Fleet – which had spied the race while on a “munchie raid”… As the mighty zeppelins dipped low over the racers, and loud – rather poorly performed – polka music blared from the loudspeakers, the crews of the eleven airships pelted both zombies and contestants alike with empty beer bottles, well gnawed chicken wings, half eaten twinkies and other assorted garbage… As the brain cart made the hairpin right turn off of the Great Southern Highway and out across the heart of the Great Burbling Lava Pits, the Beer Balloon fleet lost interest and floated off back toward the brewery they had taken over – so they could replenish their supply of beer (and nachos)… Free of the aerial nuisance the race continued across the treacherous lava pits…

Due to the haze and poisonous fumes coming off of the open boiling lava pools, it was difficult to see what was going on during this leg of the race, but zombies peddled away, contestants whacked at them (and each other) with their slightly melting whiffle bats and bedazzle jewels were knocked off and picked up… One unforeseen problem occurred at the midpoint in the lava fields when the giant jello mold began melting – but since the zombies couldn’t see it too clearly anyway – they never seemed to notice…

As they emerged from the Burbling Lava Fields it was apparent that the zombies had managed to open a fairly wide lead over their human chasers, since zombies are unaffected by poisonous air… Thus the zombies had managed to enter the Mysterious Mangrove Swamps of Misery well before the bulk of the contestants staggered out of the lava fields…

The Mysterious Mangrove Swamps of Misery both helped and hindered the zombies… The legions of dog sized mosquitos, hornets, wasps and scorpions were largely uninterested in the bloodless zombies, but went after the contestants with great relish (and mustard!)… But while the plant and insect life left them alone, the soft, swampy ground studded with patches of quicksand, methane geysers and bramble patches – slowed their tricycles down tremendously… Most contestants ignored the few zombies they came close to and focused solely on getting the heck out of there!

There were directional signs posted every 10 feet and a glowing ribbon that marked the route through the dank, hot, humid, dark mangrove swamp – but plenty of both zombies and contestants managed to get lost – some are still there!

At long last the zombies peddled in to the end of stage two area and crews began removing the singed zombies from their tricycles, while contestants made a beeline to the refreshment stands for ice cold beverages, anti-itch cream and oxygen… Removing the zombies from the trikes was a bit more difficult than expected as many had been glued to the seats by the extreme heat of the lava fields and the sticky sap from the vines, creepers and the carnivorous plants that abound in the swamps, but some spatulas were quickly produced and soon the cooks at the way point were flipping zombies off of the trikes like so many squirming pancakes…

A new tally of points gave us new leaders: Billie “Bribe’em” Moore (1,392 jewels), Carlos “Zipper Man” Zapata (1,211 jewels) and in third place a contestant known only as “Joe” (1,109 jewels)….

The third and final leg of the triathlon had the zombies simply running after the brain cart (with a replacement “brain”), while the contestants were required to ride on UM Military Assault Pogo-Sticks…

The zombies were released first – as usual and they shambled across the last portion of the Mysterious Mangrove Swamp of Misery after the brain cart still chanting “Brrraaaaiiinnnssss!”, but now they were much more mobile than before… After only a five minute wait the contestants – mounted on their pogo-sticks – took off after the lurching half-bedazzled zombie mob…

Pogo-Sticks don’t do well in mangrove swamps… The race committee had overlooked that one small point – and before the contestants could make their way out of the hellish conditions natural beauty of the swamps, over 100 were lost to the quicksand and just general muck of the swamp floor (not to worry – this is UM… No one ever really gets hurt in these events – the lost racers were pulled from the quicksand at the last moment and “recruited” by the Renegade Beer Balloon Fleet)…

As the remaining contestants made their bedraggled way out of the Mysterious Mangrove Swamps of Misery and into the Burning Desert of Itchy Sand, along the Insanely Twisting Highway of Ridiculous Danger the zombies had a commanding lead… However the determined contestants used the (more-or-less) hard packed roadway to great advantage and soon they pogo’d their way into the midst of the zombie mob – swinging away with their half melted, severely bashed about whiffle bats… Bedazzle jewels flew in huge numbers – and only the need to stop, dismount the sticks and gather up the jewels saved the zombies from a truly legendary whacking!

The last stage was also the only stage where contestants could freely whack away at each other (though to be honest they pretty much did this from the beginning) and many duels were fought between grimly determined UM members on powerful pogo-sticks with soft plastic whiffle bats as they attempted to relieve each other of their burden of bedazzle jewels… Great fun was had by all!

At long last the zombies lurched into the finish line and were allowed to assault the brain cart while the contestants went eagerly to the judge’s booths to have their jewels counted and final points tallied…

While the judges tallied both points and bribes, the contestants were led to the pavilions where the Official Taffy Pull was set up… Three Hundred and Ninety Eight Huge vats were (more-or-less) neatly arraigned and in them burbled hundreds of tons of gooey – sticky – sugary sweet – pink taffy…

Various teams were set up and massive ropes of the sticky confection were pulled out and soon tugs of war commenced… Many more contestants were content to simply grab a couple hands full of the stuff and merrily begin pulling and stretching the gooey stuff… As the UM Medical Review Board had declared taffy pulling as “good mental and physical therapy” the entire event was able to be written off as Medical Benefits and thus cost UM Management nothing, and they actually made considerable sums of money (almost $1.50!) on sales of the taffy following the event…

The winning tug of war team (Team Puce) was presented with a trophy (left over from a bowling tournament 30 years ago) and then told to “clean up the mess”, to the resounding applause of the other contestants…

Also at this time the (provisional) winners of the First Annual Whack a Bedazzled Zombie With A Whiffle Bat Triathlon were announced… (I say “provisional” as not all bribes have been received or counted yet)…

Third Place with an impressive 11,354 Points – Uwe Ben Haad

Second Place with an even more impressive 12,103 Points – Lotta “whack’em” Hardor

And in first place with an extremely unlikely 23,663 (and a half) Points – Billie “Bribe’em” Moore ….

The winners were given beautiful really nice okay looking junky left over trophies (sorry we don’t have much of a budget and what we do have goes to beer and pretzels for the mods) and the acclaim of their peers... Plus they get to ride on a float in the next parade we have – whenever that is…

Just after the awards were given out and before the band (The Crypt Keepers) began to play, the party was raided by the Renegade Beer Balloon Fleet, who had apparently learned of the taffy pull from the contestants they abducted rescued from the Mysterious Mangrove Swamps of Misery… Always in search of more munchies, they rappelled down from their zeppelins and disguised as stereotypical Hollywood pirates, they raided the taffy vats, and the beverage/snack tables… In the ensuing chaos several partiers – myself included were I was abducted by some crew members of the Renegade Beer Balloon Fleet, and following their escape with their high calorie plunder we were forced to ride around over the Old Creepy Forest and polka to the Noggin Knockers band while eating gobs of fresh, hot, extremely sticky and gooey taffy, and drink more beer than I thought possible… Finally the crew and the band passed out from overdosing on cheap beer and sugar and I was able to make a rope out of the left over taffy and rappel down into the Old Creepy Forest… And since I am about as old and creepy as anything in there, I was in no danger…

Making my way back to Civilization (or at least back to the UM Main Compound), I made a police report – paid the requisite bribe to get it actually looked into, and went back to my dungeon cell – none the worse for wear…

Remember there are only three days left to get your final bribes in to the judges!

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Lilly

Posted

I turned back at the Mysterious Mangrove Swamp of Misery...the dog sized mosquitos freaked me out, not to mention how disturbed my dog Ringo became. However, I  must admit I did enjoy the taffy and drinks at the after party...the Renegade Beer Balloon guys are actually pretty fun once they've abducted you.  

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tcgram

Posted

I had a lot of fun, although I need to contact the UM Medical Review Board about the unfortunate sticking of my hands to my hips after a successful taffy pull.  I've been having to open doors and drive with only my elbows.  

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third_eye

Posted

the dazzle disappointed with the bedazzle which was not as dazzling as expected ... I suspect the taffy pull did not hold up the pulls ...

~

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ouija ouija

Posted

Ye Gods! What day is it? *slumps to ground* I've only just found my way out of that dang swamp! Oh God, now I'm sitting in a pool of melted taffy :hmm:

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tcgram

Posted

9 hours ago, tcgram said:

I had a lot of fun, although I need to contact the UM Medical Review Board about the unfortunate sticking of my hands to my hips after a successful taffy pull.  I've been having to open doors and drive with only my elbows.  

WITH my elbows, that is.   Must have taken a hit to the head in the swamp.   

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ouija ouija

Posted (edited)

*gasps a bit* Did someone ask me if I had a good time? I don't know ........ I honestly don't know! Did anyone see me having a good time? 

 

edit to thank Taun for taking so much trouble with his wonderfully detailed account of the event. Without it some of the competitors(not naming names), would have absolutely no idea what a spectacular event it was. Round of applause for that man :clap:

Edited by ouija ouija
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third_eye

Posted

You do carry the scent of having had a great time ...

~

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Taun

Posted

@Lilly The Renegade Beer Balloon Fleet guys told me to tell you thanks for those kind words - and could you please repeat them to the judge - if / when they are caught? Plus there are literally tons of taffy left over - so help yourself!

@tcgram Page (clay tablet really) 37, Paragraph 13, sub paragraph 111(b) of Standard Form 189-3345 (d) (the form you filled out to participate in this event) clearly states (in Ancient Hittite - in extremely small cuneiform writing) that UM bears no medical responsibility for any accident (even those that happen on purpose), illness, mental or physical condition (real, rumored or imagined) that you may (or may not) experience, irrespective of any fault (or not) of any person (or not) real or imagined, historical or fictional, due to any action (or inaction) whatsoever... However, the UM Medical Crews are always willing to experiment on new victims patients, so stop on by - who knows they might actually help you!  (and we hope you washed your elbows before you started opening doors with them... We had a nasty plague of Advanced elbowitis a few years back...

@third_eye we apologize (not really) for the lack of bedazzlement you did (or did not) experience... Our teams of Scientists, Engineers and Clown College Professors are working diligently to rectify this situation for next years event (providing we are allowed to have it again)... Currently they are looking into having a laser-light projector attached above them on a stick so that when they run they each turn into a sort of disco-laser light show...

@ouija ouija We are sorry that you were not able to be abducted rescued by the Renegade Beer Balloon Fleet crews... They have been notified and you can expect a visit by them some night soon... Provided they sober up enough to actually be able to locate your dungeon cell block.... And don't worry about the taffy - it's free so no charge!

 

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Taun

Posted

22 minutes ago, ouija ouija said:

*gasps a bit* Did someone ask me if I had a good time? I don't know ........ I honestly don't know! Did anyone see me having a good time? 

 

edit to thank Taun for taking so much trouble with his wonderfully detailed account of the event. Without it some of the competitors(not naming names), would have absolutely no idea what a spectacular event it was. Round of applause for that man :clap:

Thank you for those kind words ouija...  It's all theater of the mind.... (unfortunately - my mind was replaced with a rotting cabbage back in grade school - so this is what you get :D)

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third_eye

Posted

6 minutes ago, Taun said:

Currently they are looking into having a laser-light projector attached above them on a stick so that when they run they each turn into a sort of disco-laser light show...

Ahhh ... above them ... see this here was where I gone off track, I was looking behind them ... :D

~

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spud the mackem

Posted

Teresa Green complained that the Taffy stuck to the bottom of her beer glass and she couldn'd lift it off the table,so she produced a bottle of Polish Bison Vodka (which has a plant inside the bottle) ,and got merrily "shedded" by having a slurp of beer through a straw followed by a gulp of vodka. The Mods locked her in the dungeon to protect us all  .Nasdarova ,( Polish for cheers)

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Taun

Posted

8 minutes ago, third_eye said:

Ahhh ... above them ... see this here was where I gone off track, I was looking behind them ... :D

~

This is being looked into for next years event... This years event relied on spectators who lined the Great Southern Highway to shine flashlights, laser lights, etc at them as they ran... But the mis-launch of the Saturn V rocket straight down the highway tended to cause most spectators to "get the heck out of there"...

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Taun

Posted

10 minutes ago, spud the mackem said:

Teresa Green complained that the Taffy stuck to the bottom of her beer glass and she couldn'd lift it off the table,so she produced a bottle of Polish Bison Vodka (which has a plant inside the bottle) ,and got merrily "shedded" by having a slurp of beer through a straw followed by a gulp of vodka. The Mods locked her in the dungeon to protect us all  .Nasdarova ,( Polish for cheers)

Oh come on now... You know as well as I do that the mods locked her up so they could get her booze... Dusgarauwant (Hittite for cheers - well... okay it actually means Joyful, happy and/or glad - close enough!)

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