UM's First Whack A Bedazzled Zombie Triathlon
This coming weekend - July 8th - marks the inaugural Whack A Bedazzled Zombie With A Whiffle Bat Triathlon and Taffy Pull...
Firstly, the committee would like to thank the many volunteers who gave up their free time to leave their dungeon cells and bedazzle the many zombies that had "volunteered" to participate – the results were even more spectacular than we had thought and has opened up a new line of employment for our hordes of Zombie minions – they can now be rented out as Ambulatory Disco-Balls! (See your local Head Inquisitor or Chief flogger for details and pricing)
Also, the efforts of the volunteer crews to outfit the bedazzled zombies with roller skates has been completed successfully (Checkout the on line videos of the hilarious results of the bedazzled zombies trying to learn how to shamble on roller skates – only available on UM’s highly secret – and impossible to access – video website “DungeonTube”)… So thanks to all you volunteers!
The course for the Triathlon has been set, and crews are out setting up traps, snares, pitfalls, snack stands and porta-potties along the way. Here are the course details:
-First Stage
The start line is at the southern entrance to the World Famous UM Opera House Roller Rink. All 11,328 (and a half) zombies are already lined up and in their starting cages… At the start signal the cages will be opened and a giant jello mold in the shape of a large brain will start moving out along the roller rinks tracks on a disguised golf cart – the zombies will naturally follow… The brain cart will make one lap around the three mile long roller rink track, and then exit out the southern loading dock doors – which will be propped open… As soon as the last zombie roller-shambles out of the Opera House Roller Rink, the contestants will be released to chase after them… The contestants must complete three laps of the Roller Rink track – during which time they will be allowed to “whack” each other with their whiffle bats – before they can exit out onto the Grand Processional Way after the roller-shambling zombies…
The brain-cart will lead the zombies straight down the newly widened Grand Processional Way (widen by virtue of the recent accident with the Grand Ballroom rolling down the street – flattening many small buildings and obstructions – see my report on the First Annual UM Tennis Shoe and Tuxedo – Wear It Backwards Ball and Melted Crayon Art Show)… Once the brain cart reaches the Great Southern Wall and Bastion (the new site of the Grand Ballroom), it will exit the central compound and at that point the first stage is complete…
-Second Stage
Immediately after exiting the Central Compound, the roller skates will be removed from the zombies, by UM citizens who are currently “residing” in the Community Jail (mostly for heinous crimes such as not eating all of their vegetables, failing to respectfully doff their Lurkers Beanie caps to passing mods, being wrong on the internet, etc.)... During this time the contestants chasing the Zombies with their plastic whiffle bats, will be stopped at the Great Southern Wall Main Bastion, until such time as the zombies are all de-roller skated and equipped with their own UM racing tricycle (left over from this Springs Tricycle Race Demolition Derby and Chili Cook-off)…
Once all the zombies are on their trikes, the brain-cart will again start moving – straight down the Great Southern Freeway and across the Southern Artillery Impact Zones located in the scenic Burbling Lava Fields… From there – at about the midpoint – the course takes a sharp right turn and eventually enters the Mysterious Mangrove Swamps of Misery… This ends the second stage…
-Third Stage
At the check point in the Mysterious Mangrove Swamps of Misery, the zombies will be taken off of their tricycles (most will have been tied on) and allowed to run (well… shamble semi-aimlessly) to the finish line… Once they are all ready, the brain-cart will again resume the course and lead the zombies straight across the Mysterious Mangrove Swamp of Misery, through the Burning Desert of Itchy Sand, along the Insanely Twisting Highway of Ridiculous Danger, and back to the finish line at the South Western Gatehouse and Brewery…
Contestants will be allowed to run freely for the first two stages, but at the third stage must be mounted on a UM approved Assault Pogo Stick (no jet assist allowed)…
Zombies may only be whacked with the approved (and provided) UM Plastic Whiffle Bat – and nothing can be added to the bat (i.e. no nails, explosives, glue or any other substance or object)… 1 Point is awarded to each contestant for each bedazzle jewel that they can whack free from a zombie – however some jewels have a special marking on them that will cause the contestant who collects it to gain 50 points for each special jewel… And as all bedazzle jewels were individually numbered (by writing very very very very small) at the conclusion several numbers will be drawn lotto-style for special awards and prizes…
There will be absolutely no bribery allowed during this event (unless of course you bribe an official to allow further bribery) – so it is entirely up to you the contestant to “Whack that zombie”!...
Following the return of the zombies to their holding cells, the contestants are invited to a massive taffy pull party and dance…
The triathlon begins sharply at 8 AM (ish) and concludes when the last zombie is whacked back into their holding cells…
So come on out and bring the kiddies!
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