The UM Grand Tour (2nd Stop)
DISCLAIMER: This is a work of pure fiction… While I am using actual places, every single thing else is entirely made up and solely a product of my rather strange mind… This is not meant to be a comment (pro or con) on any person, place or thing that I mention or show. It is solely done for (hopefully) humorous effect, and does not reflect the opinions, attitudes or beliefs of any person, organization or group – myself included. It is intended entirely in fun and should any person, organization or group take offense at anything I write, infer or that they believe I infer, I apologize fully and will gladly change, remove or retract the offensive “bits”. All factual information included in the following was gathered from purely public sources and/or my own personal knowledge, based on having actually been there (and so noted at each instance).
UM’s Field Offices in the Pago Pago (American Samoa) area.
When the Lapita people first settled the Samoan island in about 1500 BC (ish) they discovered ruins of many buildings and empty beer cans left behind by the migrating tribe of Neanderthals who had been searching for “Polka Paradise”, giving UM a legal (ish) claim (of sorts) on the Islands… Or so it is claimed by the UM Department of Highly Improbable Archaeology… Rather than contest the issue with the (rather frighteningly strong – and irate looking) Samoans, UM decided in the “spirit of international cooperation” they would forgo their “claim”, settling instead on operating a small – but vital – administrative center on the island of Tutuila, near the current port town of Pago Pago.
- the red circle shows the location of UM’s Administrative Annex on the Island of Tutuila (with apologies to whoever actually lives/works there)
The Admin Annex complex is actually buried deep under the mountain and consists of many miles of narrow twisting corridors, small cramped offices and a surprisingly large open
cavern meeting place where many dances, flea markets, public meetings and Polka Parties are held. It also serves as the testing ground for UM’s world famous and much dreaded (by our allies at least) Military Assault Pogo Sticks – which are manufactured at the top secret factory located 10 floors below (don’t worry about the location being included here – no one would ever guess what the top secret password to the huge vault doors hidden behind the large fern plant in the lobby is)
As all of you are no doubt aware, this Admin Annex is the Second (fifth, nineteenth and fifty second) stop on your UM enrollment
ordeal process, and it is here that your carefully completed enrollment packet of 1,273 clay tablets are studiously scrutinized for completeness, incoherence, spelling, proper Hittite grammar and proper use of a number two stylus on UM approved surfaces (i.e. mud from the Tigris/Euphrates Rivers) (this is all subject to the customary bribes to have the scrutinizer “overlook” any irregularities of course).
Pago Pago is also the main call center and delivery point for its world wide network of Pizza parlors. A simple call here from anywhere in the world (on the UM highly secure communications network of tin cans and string) will promptly get your favorite type of pizza baked and then lovingly packed in cases made of reused tuna cans, and dispatched to you on the backs of giant sea turtles (guided by a group of Lemur jockeys imported from our new offices in Madagascar). Delivery in 6 months (ish) or none of your money back, guaranteed! Just get out that official UM tin can on a string phone and dial 0333-66382-88391-993424547346120473-777322940523321 extension 5 and your fresh (ish) piping hot (maybe once upon a time), delicious (ish) pizza will soon be crawling it’s way to you!
The Admin Annex is the home and workplace of one of UM’s
most hated hated least liked beloved employees Myrtle “Do It Over” Dunagin, who as you all know is in charge of checking off this station on your Enrollment Check-List. Myrtle has been lording over working here in the Office of Forms, Regulations, Bureaucracy and Pizza Deliveries for most of her adult life, or at least since 1815 when she showed up at the door and took over was hired… While she is never rarely occasionally sometimes once and a while often always a charming and pleasant person it would probably be best not to mention her hunchback, excessive body hair, peg leg, hook for a hand, halitosis, and that rather remarkable scar that runs across her very large nose and hairy chin(s). Although – if she likes you – she will regale you with countless hours of tales of her exploits as a blood thirsty pirate buccaneer mercenary legally ambiguous adventurer merchant sailor in her youth. And hey fellas! After a long and tumultuous (often violent) affair with UM’s Chief Head Flogger Maximus "Knuckles" Yu-Benswattted, Myrtle is now single! While the cold broken hearted lady politely declines to comment on exactly why UM’s most talked about “couple” is no more, she can often be heard to mutter (in flawless Hittite which she is surprisingly fluent in) over her flagon of grog that “he was just too much of a @%$#&@* softie”… Could you be stupid enough to be “the one”? Just give her a wink the next time you see her and find out!
The Pago Pago Admin Annex offices are always looking for new hires. Among the many benefits to living and working here are a pleasant tropical climate, warm sunny beaches, friendly locals and a laid back relaxed atmosphere (except at work where roving flogger constantly wove up and down the lines of chained office workers “encouraging” them – unless you work for Myrtle in which case it gets really stressful)… The only requirements for being transferred here are that you hate the outdoors, hate the sun, hate the sea, hate the warm sunny beaches and hate being around anyone – including yourself. So if you enjoy being sequestered in a small cramped, moldy, slime encrusted cell only to be let out to an even more cramped, moldy, slime encrusted office cubical, being fed only week old sardines, and never being allowed outside or to see the sun, and earn next to nothing in the process, then this is the place for you!
Next stop on our Tour will be the UM Offices in Ulaan Baator, Mongolia! Stay tuned!
(Second Disclaimer: American Samoa is a place I’ve always wanted to visit. I’ve met many Samoans – mostly during my time in the military – and found all of them to be very pleasant, friendly people (though rather frighteningly large and strong) and have the greatest respect for them. This was written in fun with no intent to offend, and it is my sincerest wish that it is received as such.)