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Self-Metamorphosis

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Introduction

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Aquila King

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This is going to be a weekly blog series regarding my own journey of total life transformation.

We all have things in our lives that we wish we could change, things we could improve. However my story is a story from the absolute bottom up. There are many things I could say in regards to how and what exactly led me to be in the situation that I'm in today. I could probably write a whole book on this subject alone. Nonetheless, I feel it necessary to start this out by sharing the highlights with you as to where exactly I am in life at the moment, and what exactly led to me being here in the first place.

(note: I will most likely post another entry this week that goes much more in-depth into my backstory, but I figured I'd begin with the highlights)

My name is Richard Lee. I'm a 24 year old white male living in Lexington Kentucky. I have no friends. I have no family. I have no love life. I have no job. I have no formal education beyond high school. I have no driver's license or car. The only person in my life is my mother, whom I live with currently. I'm still fully dependent on her at the moment, and yes, this causes great strain and humiliation. I have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), have suffered with Social Anxiety and Social Phobia, and have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) due to childhood sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of my own father. I've struggled all through school (not because of lack of intelligence, but because of the psychological issues listed above), and have struggled maintaining a steady job as well. The severe depression that has accompanied me all through my life due to the issues listed above, has lead me to spend many years contemplating suicide. Self-loathing became my natural state. In order to cope with the pain, I would mentally escape into 'other worlds' inside my head, mostly from nerdy sci-fi fantasy crap and such. I slowly and steadily withdrew from the world, and started to reside more and more inside my own head. Experiential Avoidance became my subconscious go-to mechanism, a reflex response, to any stressor. A psychologist once called it a minor form of 'Disassociation', that's common in sex abuse victims. In fact I'm still a virgin, and have only ever had one 'girlfriend' for a brief time back in high school. The whole idea of sex actually scares me to some extent. I'm rather conservative in regards to that whole subject. And yet unfortunately at the same time, I'm an absolute hopeless romantic, a total sucker for romance related anything. This of course causes some of the greatest levels of pain, knowing (or at least feeling) that I'll never know true love. I'd like to for once in my life be able to understand and experience what is supposed to be the greatest of all emotional connections. Though it's undoubtedly unfair to drag anyone into this mess of a life. To even consider such nonsense at my current state is just laughable at best. At the end of the day I'm just a loser nerd with no family, friends, job, or education, living with my mother. What's worse is, no one knows or understands any of this. When they look at me they simply see a good-for-nothin' lazy mooch living off his mother's income who won't just go out and get a job. And when this stuff is explained to most people, they simply say things like "the past is the past," or "get over it and move on." I don't wish to just make excuses, but I can't just dismiss my psychology and 'get over it.' It's not that simple. Essentially, I'm all alone. No one understands. And no one seems to care.

I'm so sick of this life. All I want is the same things that most people have that they take for granted: Family, friendship, an education, a career, love... Something to be proud of. Some sense of accomplishment at least. I want to be able to die one day knowing that someone will miss me. That I made some sort of impact that benefitted the lives of others. To not feel so ashamed of myself all the time...

I've spent so many years trying to avoid my problems, because it was all just too much to bear, but if I continue down this road I'm on I'll lose all of my 20's holed up in a room in my mother's house avoiding the world. I'll be the very definition of what people mock and make fun of when they joke about 'loser white virgin nerds living with their parents into adulthood.'

That's why I am changing everything right here and now. I don't need to just fix a few issues in my life, I need a total life transformation. A self-metamorphosis if you will. I'm starting this blog as a means of charting my progress, and hopefully so I can get some good advise and healthy feedback and encouragement from some of you.

So with all that being said, these are my ultimate life goals:

  • To reach a state of total independence
  • To get and sustain a good job
  • To go back to school and major in Psychology (hopefully even a doctorate)
  • To begin a good paying career helping other people like me overcome psychological trauma and abuse
  • To become the right person for and find my soul mate, wherever she may be
  • To start a family, to actually have a family some day
  • And to become ever-more spiritually attuned to the things in this universe (I know I haven't touched on this subject yet, but I promise I will in later entries)

I realize that this is just a free blog on UM, and that starting a weekly blog series on such a huge long-term endeavor may best be served some place else, but many of the people on here have become like family to me. Maybe it's because I have no friends or family of my own that I'm so quick to draw such emotional attachments to people on a computer screen, but nonetheless that's how I feel. I couldn't think of a better place to open up and share all of this with then here with all of you.

Thank you all for reading this, and also for everything else. ^_^

- AK


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12 Comments


Likely Guy

Posted

Congratulations AK, you've just taken the first steps down the long road called life. Hope you'll find what you're looking for! :tu:

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Ruby04

Posted

The first step is the hardest and you've started that.

I think you can an will reach your goals.

Friend wise you'll make a lot of online ones on here :) and eventually in person to.

It took me to be in my mid 20's before I made friends.

You're not a loser at all.

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XenoFish

Posted

I don't know how much this advice/suggestion might help you but here it goes.

1)Do not care what others think. You'll waste more time on people opinions. Now if they have constructive criticism that all well and good. If they act like a-hole's, ignore them.

2)Living with your mom isn't as bad as you might think. Let's say you get a job as a stocker at a department store (no shame in that), and you live with your mom for 10 years. Banking all that money. By the time those 10 years are over you might be able to buy a house flat out.:tu:

3)You really do need to get a license. Because if something happens to your mom you will need to be there for her. 

4)If you need therapy get it. There is no shame in it at all. It's best to work through things that bottle them up or let them be a lead weight keeping you down. Trust me it helps.

5)Get on a solid daily schedule and start small. Pick one thing you will do and get it done. Do not wait till you get motivated because if you do you will not do it. 

6)Don't listen to Ruby she's evil and is trying to mind control you.

7)Don't listen to Xeno he's a sociopath.

8)Ignore 6 and 7:devil:

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Likely Guy

Posted

 Take small but determined steps.

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Ghost Orchid

Posted

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! Go out and buy yourself a cupcake;). I am so sorry for what has happened to you. They say time is a healer.. do everything on your own pace you will get there. You are stronger than you think.. I hope you have a beautiful day and don't forget to smile:rolleyes:.

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Aquila King

Posted

On ‎10‎/‎2‎/‎2017 at 3:10 PM, Likely Guy said:

Congratulations AK, you've just taken the first steps down the long road called life. Hope you'll find what you're looking for! :tu:

Thank you. I've decided now that I certainly will. It's just a matter now of my resilience and resolve.

20 hours ago, Ruby04 said:

The first step is the hardest and you've started that.

I think you can an will reach your goals.

Friend wise you'll make a lot of online ones on here :) and eventually in person to.

It took me to be in my mid 20's before I made friends.

You're not a loser at all.

Thank you. You're right, I already do have friends, like you. ^_^

19 hours ago, Likely Guy said:

 Take small but determined steps.

I shall! :o

I have a bad tendency of doing everything all at once... :unsure2: Gotta work on that.

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Aquila King

Posted

20 hours ago, XenoFish said:

1)Do not care what others think. You'll waste more time on people opinions. Now if they have constructive criticism that all well and good. If they act like a-hole's, ignore them.

Yeah, I used to be far worse at that, definitely. Believe it or not, you're getting to know me here in my prime. :lol:

Despite all I've said above, I'm in a much better position now (internally at least) than I've ever been. While back I would've caved with just about everything...

Not so much now. B)

20 hours ago, XenoFish said:

2)Living with your mom isn't as bad as you might think. Let's say you get a job as a stocker at a department store (no shame in that), and you live with your mom for 10 years. Banking all that money. By the time those 10 years are over you might be able to buy a house flat out.:tu:

You know, I've honestly considered something like that. After all, more and more people are doing this sorta thing anyway (many still consider it a negative thing, but some simply do it for financial reasons like you said).

20 hours ago, XenoFish said:

3)You really do need to get a license. Because if something happens to your mom you will need to be there for her. 

I know, I've thought about that. :( The only reason I haven't was cause I've been afraid of having a panic attack on the road or spacing out due to ADD and end up killing someone cause of my incompetency... But I have to get over my fears and just man up. At least I do already have a permit (that I've had for years).

20 hours ago, XenoFish said:

4)If you need therapy get it. There is no shame in it at all. It's best to work through things that bottle them up or let them be a lead weight keeping you down. Trust me it helps.

I've actually been in therapy for years, but it's only been recently that it's impacted me more in a positive light. That's a whole story in itself, so I'll save it for the next blog entry.

20 hours ago, XenoFish said:

5)Get on a solid daily schedule and start small. Pick one thing you will do and get it done. Do not wait till you get motivated because if you do you will not do it. 

This ^ right here has been the most difficult part of all of it. The consistent inconsistency. That and being ruled by impulse. Part of ADD and PTSD is having EXTREMELY poor impulse control, which in turn makes it more difficult to make oneself stick to a routine schedule. One impulse leads you off schedule just slightly, then another, then another, and before you know it you have no schedule, you're just being ruled by mere subconscious whims. That's why I wanna at least try to practice meditation to help me center myself more and learn greater self-discipline. Though every time I've tried it thus far I end up breaking out of it within seconds... :wacko: Ugh, it can all be rather daunting at times...

20 hours ago, XenoFish said:

6)Don't listen to Ruby she's evil and is trying to mind control you.

7)Don't listen to Xeno he's a sociopath.

8)Ignore 6 and 7:devil:

I don't get it, what do I do!?!?!?!?!?!?

tenor.gif

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Aquila King

Posted

15 hours ago, Ghost Orchid said:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! Go out and buy yourself a cupcake;).

Lol, thanks for the birthday greeting. Although my birthday is March 10th, not October 3rd. :lol: But it's the thought that counts. ;)

15 hours ago, Ghost Orchid said:

I am so sorry for what has happened to you. They say time is a healer.. do everything on your own pace you will get there. You are stronger than you think.. I hope you have a beautiful day and don't forget to smile:rolleyes:.

Thank you. It's greatly appreciated. ^_^

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XenoFish

Posted

9 minutes ago, Aquila King said:

I don't get it, what do I do!?!?!?!?!?!?

tenor.gif

You'll be thinking this a lot when it comes to me.:lol:

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Ruby04

Posted

Welcome and yes you can call me a friend :) 

About Xeno's 6)Don't listen to Ruby she's evil and is trying to mind control you. I'm not that talented lol well not the mind control bit anyway lol

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LightAngel

Posted

You have a plan, so you are already on the right track :tu:

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kmt_sesh

Posted

As usual I'm late to the party, but I think this is quite a feat. You express yourself so openly and honestly, and that takes courage. As the others have said, this is the first step. And do take it in steps. So you don't have an education beyond high school. So what? Many at UM don't. Quite a few of the people I like and respect at UM have no college degrees, and yet their intelligence is obvious. They educate themselves, and so can you. You are clearly an intelligent and articulate person,

I am not great at offering advice and don't generally appreciate it when it's tossed at me, but there's on thing I might suggest. Are there any volunteer opportunities in your town? That's what I do at two museums, and have been at it for fifteen years. It keeps me sane. I've made very dear friends doing this, above and beyond my work-a-day job, and have made innumerable valuable contacts. I look forward to my volunteer work every week. So is there a museum that needs help? A hospital? Library, kennel. something like that? This is a great way to get yourself out there and to make real friends.

Just something to think about. I can say with confidence from reading your posts, you have a lot to offer!

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