This is going to be a weekly blog series regarding my own journey of total life transformation.
We all have things in our lives that we wish we could change, things we could improve. However my story is a story from the absolute bottom up. There are many things I could say in regards to how and what exactly led me to be in the situation that I'm in today. I could probably write a whole book on this subject alone. Nonetheless, I feel it necessary to start this out by sharing the highlights with you as to where exactly I am in life at the moment, and what exactly led to me being here in the first place.
(note: I will most likely post another entry this week that goes much more in-depth into my backstory, but I figured I'd begin with the highlights)
My name is Richard Lee. I'm a 24 year old white male living in Lexington Kentucky. I have no friends. I have no family. I have no love life. I have no job. I have no formal education beyond high school. I have no driver's license or car. The only person in my life is my mother, whom I live with currently. I'm still fully dependent on her at the moment, and yes, this causes great strain and humiliation. I have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), have suffered with Social Anxiety and Social Phobia, and have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) due to childhood sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of my own father. I've struggled all through school (not because of lack of intelligence, but because of the psychological issues listed above), and have struggled maintaining a steady job as well. The severe depression that has accompanied me all through my life due to the issues listed above, has lead me to spend many years contemplating suicide. Self-loathing became my natural state. In order to cope with the pain, I would mentally escape into 'other worlds' inside my head, mostly from nerdy sci-fi fantasy crap and such. I slowly and steadily withdrew from the world, and started to reside more and more inside my own head. Experiential Avoidance became my subconscious go-to mechanism, a reflex response, to any stressor. A psychologist once called it a minor form of 'Disassociation', that's common in sex abuse victims. In fact I'm still a virgin, and have only ever had one 'girlfriend' for a brief time back in high school. The whole idea of sex actually scares me to some extent. I'm rather conservative in regards to that whole subject. And yet unfortunately at the same time, I'm an absolute hopeless romantic, a total sucker for romance related anything. This of course causes some of the greatest levels of pain, knowing (or at least feeling) that I'll never know true love. I'd like to for once in my life be able to understand and experience what is supposed to be the greatest of all emotional connections. Though it's undoubtedly unfair to drag anyone into this mess of a life. To even consider such nonsense at my current state is just laughable at best. At the end of the day I'm just a loser nerd with no family, friends, job, or education, living with my mother. What's worse is, no one knows or understands any of this. When they look at me they simply see a good-for-nothin' lazy mooch living off his mother's income who won't just go out and get a job. And when this stuff is explained to most people, they simply say things like "the past is the past," or "get over it and move on." I don't wish to just make excuses, but I can't just dismiss my psychology and 'get over it.' It's not that simple. Essentially, I'm all alone. No one understands. And no one seems to care.
I'm so sick of this life. All I want is the same things that most people have that they take for granted: Family, friendship, an education, a career, love... Something to be proud of. Some sense of accomplishment at least. I want to be able to die one day knowing that someone will miss me. That I made some sort of impact that benefitted the lives of others. To not feel so ashamed of myself all the time...
I've spent so many years trying to avoid my problems, because it was all just too much to bear, but if I continue down this road I'm on I'll lose all of my 20's holed up in a room in my mother's house avoiding the world. I'll be the very definition of what people mock and make fun of when they joke about 'loser white virgin nerds living with their parents into adulthood.'
That's why I am changing everything right here and now. I don't need to just fix a few issues in my life, I need a total life transformation. A self-metamorphosis if you will. I'm starting this blog as a means of charting my progress, and hopefully so I can get some good advise and healthy feedback and encouragement from some of you.
So with all that being said, these are my ultimate life goals:
- To reach a state of total independence
- To get and sustain a good job
- To go back to school and major in Psychology (hopefully even a doctorate)
- To begin a good paying career helping other people like me overcome psychological trauma and abuse
- To become the right person for and find my soul mate, wherever she may be
- To start a family, to actually have a family some day
- And to become ever-more spiritually attuned to the things in this universe (I know I haven't touched on this subject yet, but I promise I will in later entries)
I realize that this is just a free blog on UM, and that starting a weekly blog series on such a huge long-term endeavor may best be served some place else, but many of the people on here have become like family to me. Maybe it's because I have no friends or family of my own that I'm so quick to draw such emotional attachments to people on a computer screen, but nonetheless that's how I feel. I couldn't think of a better place to open up and share all of this with then here with all of you.
Thank you all for reading this, and also for everything else.