Black Light Monster Fest and Rodeo Report
Entry posted by Taun
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The 8,913th Annual Halloween Black Light Monster Festival and Inaugural Great Old Ones Rodeo…
This report was unfortunately delayed due to no fault of my own (of course)… Following the events of the Festival and Rodeo, as I was making my way back to my Luxury Oubliette (one of the perks of being the one who makes all this nonsense up) I was accosted in one of the dark twisty back alleys that serve as side streets in Downtown UM, by one of my renegade doppelgangers who was left over from the Moon Dance And Masquerade Party. He was wearing a clever disguise (one of those plastic “Groucho Nose, moustache and glasses thingies) so I was caught completely unawares - I mean it totally fooled me…
After asking me if I knew what year it was, and as I was fumbling around trying to find my handy-dandy pocket Mayan Calendar…
He threw a potato sack over my head (one large enough to fit easily over my antlers) and I found myself whisked away! When the sack was finally removed (and the potatoes pulled out of my mouth and ears) I found myself aboard the flagship of the Renegade Beer Balloon Fleet, facing the Fleet Admiral, Old “Tipsy” Bill Tipler himself!
While I was understandably upset and fearing for my sanity… um… nope, actually I gave up on that a long time ago… fearing for my um… uh… Antlers! Yeah that’s it! Fearing for my antlers, I bravely faced Admiral Tipler and heroically shouted out “Please don’t hurt me!” as I feel to my knees (hard to do for moose) and bravely groveled before him….
He blearily looked at me with his bloodshot eyes, belched rather loudly and replied… “Nah. We ain’t gonna hurt youse… We jest wanna knock ya over da head and let yer dopplegr… dokkleganner… douoblegan… this guy, take yer place!”
Still exhibiting my normal legendary courage I whined “But why? He’s just like me! In fact he IS me! Just me from a couple hours ago… sorta kinda…”
He sneered, listed heavily to port (left is “port” right? I mean yes? Not right, that’s starboard or something isn’t it?) and passed gas heavily enough that the zeppelin we were on lurched forward 50 feet and several small fires started, which the crew scrambled to put out before the hydrogen in the gas bags could ignite…
“Yeah, he’s youse alright. But he’s youse what we controls. Ya see? Yer what passes fer the most inflewinchal … influenza… enchilada ..um… most read reporter of what goes on here at da UM complex, lord help us… And we wants sum bedder reportin’… We’uns er tired of the bad news youse been puttin’ out about us’ns… We wants the people to like and trust us guys, sos we ken swoop down and steal their nachos and beer and stuff! Ya see?”
Well, a few more hours of that and I almost lost my ability to think in coherent(ish) English, I was even loosing my grasp of my native Okie language! I knew I had to escape or eventually I would turn into a total blithering idiot (even more-so than normal anyway) and also to stop their insidious plan while I still knew how to spell insidious!
But they had trapped me well, and I spent many days locked away in the bilge of that huge ship (which was actually nicer than my oubliette), swabbing the decks with a beat up old three strand mop, trying to clean up the spilled stale beer, and other less savory liquids and such…
Meanwhile my double – the me of several hours ago, from last July, was unleashed upon you, the unsuspecting and helpless denizens of the great, sprawling UM complex… Causing no end of trouble, confusion and mayhem as he/I/whatever took over my life and my duties…
Time wore on and finally my chance came… Two days ago, the fleet made a resupply stop at one of the several supply depots/breweries they had created around the Complexes vast land holdings… This one was deep in the heart of the Pointless Forest, halfway up the steep slopes of Nosebleed Ridge. While the crew topped off the hydrogen in the gas bags, and restocked the coolers and snack cabinets, I made my way through a small porthole (after removing my antlers with a handy allen wrench) and slid down the anchor cable… After re-attaching my antlers I was off like a shot through the forest, down the slope and across the Great Eastern Artillery Impact Zone (both A and 
and then it was a short hop across the Great Outer Moat and back into the UM complex proper…
I found my double back in my Oubliette reclining on my bed of nails, eating bon-bons and reading the latest issue of Floggers Quarterly… I was further enraged when I saw that he/I had already worked the crossword puzzle! After a short tussle, I had him tied up and turned over to the levels Chief Inquisitor – who was happy to have a new “friend” to “play” with… Then I set about the grim task of correcting my doubles mischief…
Fortunately the me of a couple hours ago is an idiot… A lazy idiot, who had done nothing at all – so no harm done!
Now… On with the long overdue Report of the 8,913th Annual Halloween Black Light Monster Festival and Inaugural Great Old Ones Rodeo… (and you thought you could escape this?... Bwah-haw-haw! <Insert other evil laughs here>)
Precisely at 9:23 and 15 and a half seconds, the Grand Rodeo Parade kicked off the festivities… The parade route started at the Great Central Administration Building and made it’s way out to the Great Eastern Artillery Impact Zone (A)… Riding out in front were the Junior Cowpersons… Cowthings?… CowCthuloids?… Whatever… These eager, bright and cheerful… okay less grim… Young(ish) creatures of the Great Outer Darkness, stalked, slithered, oozed and otherwise moved down the cobblestone streets of Downtown UM… Most were riding… something… somethings that were even more indescribable than they were, and as they passed – to a loud and hearty cheer from the very impressed crowd… (Seriously, they were impressed… In much the same way a reluctant person used to be impressed into the navy), the cobblestones cracked, split, bubbled and melted under their weight, body acids and in some cases furnace like heat…
Next came the battalions of Rodeo Clowns walking bravely down the melted street, waving to the crowds as the battalions of Floggers following closely behind “urging them on”…
Following the Floggers, came several mobs of zombie “clowns”, all gaily decked out in their tattered sackcloth and bright iridescent paint… As the zombies flung small candies (and the occasional “loose” body part) to the crowds, they were kept in neat orderly rows by the help of volunteers equipped with cattle prods – all to the great delight of the crowds…
Finally came the “big guys”… The stars of this years Rodeo…Leading the pack (though it was hard to tell on that cosmic of a scale) was none other than Cthulhu himself! Looking very dapper and “Western” in his Chaos Beast Hide Chaps, Wooly vest and topped off with his famous 10,000 gallon hat, he stalked …er… moseyed down the street one hand-appendage hooked in his pistol belt and the other waving his monstrously huge hat to the crowd… His mouth tentacles were cleverly waxed into a semblance of a handlebar moustache and at his side stalked his former wife Idh-yaa, dressed as a really huge, monstrous version of Dale Evans… Following closely behind were their four offspring. Gthanothoa, dressed in a voluminous leather duster and sporting the legendary Shining Trapezohedron as a nifty buckle on his gun belt. Beside him strode his younger brother Ythogtha, (“Froggy” to his friends) decked out in his favorite Hopalong Cassidy Costume… Rounding out the trio of Cthulhu’s sons was Zoth-Ommog (“Zoggie” to his friends –of which it is said he has none)… “Zoggie” sported a natty three piece suit made of armadillo hide, and like his older brother Gthanothoa, wore chaps (of squiggle hide) and a large Cowboy hat made of Kelp…
Following closely came their little sister Cthylla… Her father’s light and joy, little Cthylla is the spitting image of her dad… Right down to the cute mass of writhing tentacles around her mouth parts… Dressed similar to her favorite cartoon character “Jessie” from Toy Story (complete with red yarn wig for hair) Little Cthylla was definitely a crowd favorite…
There was a lot of talk about this second appearance of other Cthulhu and his former wife Idh-yaa… And keen eyed observers (who were not otherwise turned to mummies, or into gibbering lunatics - not that anyone would notice around here - by the mere sight of the Cthulhu family) could spy a ring on Idh-yaas… um…finger?... Tentacle?.. Claw?... Perhaps a retaking of vows in the future?
Following the parade – and the policing up of the catatonic/immolated/gibbering masses- the Rodeo began at the Artillery Impact Zone (A) – where they couldn’t do much more damage…
The events of the day included, Squiggle Wrangling; Hounds Of Tindalos Roundups; Demon Roping; Rope Twirling and Brontosaurus Broncho Riding…
As this was a charity event there were no champions crowned… Just good, clean, wholesome, chaotically evil fun for the whole family! There was one final humorous note to the festivities… It seems that Cute Little Cthylla really fell for the squiggles that were featured in the “juniors” events… Seeing that the Head Mod encouraged the crowd to “rustle up a few squiggles for the little lady”… The crowd stormed the arena and for the first time in recorded history, squiggles ran AWAY from UM members rather than the other way around! … Soon little Cthylla was the proud owner of a flock of rather disgruntled and rather frightened squiggles…
Following the Rodeo and the bar-b-q that accompanied it, the Halloween Black Light Monster Fest commenced… The party lasted well into the night, and we had the best year of costumes ever (and this was the 8,913rd consecutive annual event so that’s saying something!)… The costumes were so good in fact that several actual monsters were in attendance and no one noticed! Most notable among the costumes was the person who showed up dressed as a Mummy Dressed as a Clown, Dressed as a Librarian… And we all know how creepy Librarians are! However she was disqualified when it was discovered that it was UM’s own Head Librarian Lotta “Dusty” Tomes and she hadn’t even bothered to change out of her work clothes into a costume…
For the first time, the Aliens from the Alien Space Saucer Fleet(s) were invited to the party… These guys, gals and things from alien worlds are quickly becoming UM favorites and they sure know how to party…. They even helped out with the refreshments… After a few hours the “eats” were running low, so the First Alien Space Saucer Fleet (not the second and third ones they created by time travel) zipped up to the UM Lunar Complex and back in record (faster than light) time and gathered up the food and drink from four hours ago and brought it forward… So we got double the refreshments at half the cost (and gained another Alien Space Saucer Fleet)…
Music was more-or-less provided by the newly pardoned Noggin Knockers band and they played loud and with great spirit (if not great skill)… As the dancing progressed and Idh-yaa was constantly being asked to dance, Cthulhu was persuaded to take a turn on the drums… Watching him play with all eight (or so) arms going and even his mouth parts tentacles grasping drumsticks was an awe inspiring (and deafening) sight, and literally mind-numbing…
Heck of a party!
Eventually the party started breaking up, even the Cthulhu family had to leave (poor little Cthylla was starting to yawn and no one wanted to be around when that happened!). So they gathered up their four kids, all the squiggles the kids decided to keep and used the Shining Trapezohedron on Gthanothoa’s belt to interdimensionally travel back home to R’lyeh,
I stayed on for a short while to help organize the zombie janitor crews in cleaning up, then made my way back toward my cozy little luxury oubliette… when I met myself…
We’ll have to do this again next year (provided the cosmos survives this one)!
Please feel free to comment with your thoughts, and also a description of your costume, and activities… Also, whoever took Alien Space Saucer Crewthing Gleph home with them, please bring it back… It’s the only one they have that can make coffee the way the Admiral likes it…
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