The first time I felt this out-of-control force was soon after a show back in 1998. My debut as a singer was in 1996 in a student holiday party. I felt great. I've always felt out of place, awkward, socially-incompetent, but once in stage I was a total different person. I could say or do whatever and people would dig it. I've been doing the same for the last 21 years. That night in 1998 while I was resting and trying to clean the sweat out of my body and while everybody was coming to say how magnificent the show was I felt it for the first time. It was the feeling of being completely alone, the feeling of dispair. I received the greetings with a smile, a shake of hands, a hug, but inside of me I felt that everyone was just being fake as **** and I just wanted to go home, cover myself in bed and cry.
That feeling has been haunting me since then.
That night after the show we went to a local bar to have a couple of beers. We were still minors but since we were musicians and we knew the owner, everything was fine. We talked about the show, met some friends and everybody was having a great time. I was continuously watching the clock because I wanted to go home. Every now and then after any show, I feel this way. I learned to evade myself from others and just take a break. I just have to take a break. It's like a social charge that I can't bear. I need to rest from it. In those 10 minutes of "break time" I go through many different feelings: sorrow, embarassment, lonelyness, guilt.
Depression is a common and serious medical disorder and this disorder affects every aspect of your life. During a big part of my life I struggled (and I still do!) through it. I've had addiction problems, relationship problems, work problems, family issues and many other things due to this disorder. Sometimes I didn't want to get up from bed and I spent most of my time just watching the ceiling of my room thinking that nobody gave a d*mn about me, that nobody really loved me. I've lost lots of weight, I've gained lots of weight, I've quit my band several times, I've fought every and each one of the people who used to play with, I've done horrible things to myself and not a single time I said to myself "I'm doing this because I'm ill".
I felt hollow. Like, in any happy moment of my life I felt hollow anyway. I smiled, I celebrated. I even said I was happy but inside of me I felt hollow. Like if something was missing. Like if something wasn't right. That's how you live with depression. Even when you know you're doing alright it's there.
I started this blog because I want to write my experiences with this disorder. My therapy. Things I do to feel better. Things I do to fight-back . Stories that may be inspirational or raise a warning flag on yourself. I don't know. It may be helpful for some. Until the next entry.
This is me back in the 90s. Adjusting an amp before a rehearsal. I was extremely thin. I didn't eat properly, spending most of my time drinking or having drugs with my friends. I was just discovering that the force inside me was making me not care about anything else.