The First Annual "Spamentine Days Festival (and Car Wash)" was recently held at the World Famous Institute of Epicurean Delight, and City Dump. This report has been delayed by several factors, including the unfortunate fact that UM has a new policy of asking for contractor bids for planning and running social events. The winning contractor for this highly anticipated (by someone I’m sure) event was $5.15 made by UM’s very own “Comatose Reaction And Procrastination” (CRAP) Club. No one on the selection committee noticed that the CRAP Club’s bid was actually for an afternoon tea that had been scheduled for February 24th 1923 – and they had just gotten around to submitting it. After being notified of their winning bid, the club sprang into uncharacteristic activity and was able to stage the event only two weeks late (or 95 years late depending on how you look at it). ((Okay, Okay… The truth is I’m just lazy))
At first there was great concern that with such a low budget they would not be able to supply the required amount of food (Spam) and beverages, however, they soon found that many people were actually willing to pay them to take the Spam off of their hands…. In no time the event staff found themselves richer by $10,000 and the proud possessors of 150,000 metric tons of Spam.
Working in close(ish) conjunction with the Grumpy Old Coot and Cootess League, the Banquet hall was decorated in a stunning display of empty Spam cans, old pill bottles and crepe paper Penguins (no one knows why). The massive mound of malodorous meat was sliced, diced, chopped and torn into semi-convenient bite sized (ish) bits and placed on crackers that had been donated by the UM Ancient Cracker and Fungus Collectors Club. The many casks, barrels, bottles and flagons of beverages made from liquefied Spam were rolled in and set up alongside the snack tables. The Floggers Guild volunteered many of its members to act as servers (and to ensure that everyone consumed their fair share of the bilious bounty).
As the teeming crowds were let in to enjoy the festivities (herded by cattle prod bearing Floggers) they were greeted by the loud, festive sounds of UM’s premier band “The Noggin’ Knockers”. As the evening progressed the partiers danced to classic songs like “Stairway to Spam”, “Long Cool Woman in a Spam Dress”, “Spam on the Water” and “Spamstruck”… The dancing and gorging on Spam d’oeuvres continued on into the evening, and as each partier left they were given a parting gift of a full metric ton of (opened) spam. (Attendance was not mandatory, but roll was taken – and those not in attendance will be given three metric tons of Spam as punishment)
As a side note, the various UM cafeteria’s, snack bars and eateries that dot the vast sprawling UM complex will be serving many different variations of Spam for the next few coming months… So put your bib on, grab a fork and dig in! (It’s the only way we’ll get rid of this stuff).
For a first Annual event, The Spam Fest attendees produced and wore some spectacular party garments… While no prizes were given, everyone was highly impressed with the creative usage of that weird rubbery gel like stuff that they pack the spam into the cans with… Good work Ladies (and gents)!...
Prior to the start of the party, the UM Grumpy Old Coot and Cootess League ran a car wash for the attendees. While there are few automobiles in the Great UM Complex, there are a large number of tricycles (including some very sporty racing ones left over from last years Annual UM Tricycle Race, Demolition Derby and Chili Cook-off) and a veritable plethora of war surplus Assault Pogo-Sticks that most UM Complex citizens use to get around (rather than rely on Public Transportation provided by the Galapagos Turtle Taxi Company)… For the low price of $1 these lucky people were treated to the memorable sight of a bunch of geriatric geezers and geezettes lurching around wearing risqué swimsuits (well… risqué by 1890’s standards anyway)
and almost sorta scrubbing their rides clean(ish) kinda…. While the many tricycles were
lovingly affectionately kindly grudgingly hand soaped and scrubbed clean(ish), the pogo-stick pilots were routed through a much quicker “Automatic” wash system… They would pogo-bounce through a series of sunken tubs filled with soapy, (mostly) clean(ish) hot warm tepid water. The pogoers were thus happy to discover that for a single $1, they could not only get their “ride” cleaned, but also their clothes washed AND take their weekly bath – all at the same time!
But the real surprise at the car wash was when the Infamous Renegade Beer Balloon Fleet appeared, and demanded that their war surplus zeppelins get a thorough cleaning… for $1 each!... As the Renegade zeppelin crews sat and reclined about guzzling beer and snacking on the mounds of free spam snacks, the (by now VERY grumpy) old coots and cootesses did their best to scrub down the 420 foot long (128 meters) 38 feet in diameter gas bags that were (still are for that matter) heavily stained with spilled beer and nacho cheese dip. Eventually all 27 Zeppelins were (more or less) scrubbed down and the tipsy crews boarded their air craft and sailed off over the Creepy Old Forest bombarding those below them with empty beer bottles, empty (sometimes full) spam cans and loudly blaring heavy metal polka music…
As he gathered up the piles of cash that the car wash brought in, Gustav “Grumpy Gus” Crabapple – the head wash attendant, reported that all proceeds would go to Charity (Charity Laflamme is a rather popular “exotic dancer” at one of UM’s “more colorful” nightspots).
The event was largely considered a great success, and many happy couples rekindled the fires of romance at this festival... After all, nothing says "I love you" like a can of Spam!
Feel free to post your comments on your participation at either of these two events, and also to post pics of your costumes! And if you are a member of the Renegade Beer Balloon Fleet, you stiffed us the twenty seven bucks you owe us!