Kundalini energy comes in two valences, sometimes described as masculine and feminine, though this is not really accurate except in a vague, sort of esoteric sense. In the early stages it is basically Fire and Ice. I am told that with balance and experience that sense of temperature fades off. It has been a couple weeks of a great deal of research and making a few competent contacts willing to talk with me and point me in the right directions to find my answers while I learn better how to simply know those from within myself through this energy.
It is literally fire and ice for some. Shivering chills as the feminine form of it works to prepare the body to better handle the masculine fire when it comes through more harshly. It is the fire that blows minds and lands people in mental health units from all I have read. This is why it is very strongly advised for people not to try to cause it to awaken. They end up rousing that fire and are not prepared, and cannot handle it. This is not a cool thing to try for a while and then move on to something else. It is forever and sets you on a course you may never have planned for or even wanted for yourself. It is real, it is the ultimate passionate dispassion, it isolates you as you increasingly find yourself out of step with this world and the things you used to like doing. It takes constant mindfulness to monitor yourself, to intentionally make yourself do that which you do not wish to bother with anymore when you know you should bother. I was reading a post today from someone who was dealing with this, speaking candidly with fellow awakened people for advice, about how he no longer could bear doing things which did not work to enhance his spiritual quest and desire for more. He has lost friends, his family thinks he is losing his mind, he no longer cares about college or a job or watching TV or anything but meditation and the bliss he now knows well, and yet, he struggles and reaches back to the person he remembers being and doesn't know what to do to be right. You cannot turn it off. This is not on only one day a week. It does not go away when you get up from meditation or wake up from a cool dream in the morning.
I felt for him, I already have seen the potentials in this "gifting". He dived in eagerly when it came on and pursued it aggressively and in a matter of months posted this today. My sympathy is with his quandary, not his inevitable achievements. You cannot go back. You cannot un-ring a bell or un-say a word. His struggle is due to this being the first time he really has become aware of being different, and apart and not fully into the Matrix anymore.
I have been accustomed to being seen as the odd one for my own experiences, until I learned to go silent about them, and now, I am on the other end of it all and no longer silent at all nor concerned with fitting in or making everyone happy. My goal now is to get some few things I have learned out there to help someone else later, who comes across what I post and relates to what I am really saying under it all. I don't own a TV, though the lady and daughter have one apart from me. I am not interested in it and other than casually looking over the news online for things like the volcano in Hawaii these days or the Royal wedding of Meghan and Harry, it bores me rapidly. So, I am already ahead of some in this way and well aware how the more you know about Spirit, the less you care about transitory matters.
The fire has come in for me now, and they say that is what changes you, the ice is what prepares you for that to flow more easily to do what it does in transforming the person connected with it and to God through it. I feel it as very warm but not fire, I am not being burned within or feeling as if my mentality is any less acute and steady than it usually is, so the balance seems to be alright for now. But, I am very aware of what I should be doing here, and I make myself do those things. My elderly Mother needs care and she is deeply into her Catholicism and wants to talk about that, has no idea about this thing I am going through. Like it or not, I go and see to her and get her to her appointments and teach myself to be still inside and not resent or be impatient. For Mom, this is everything, I am all she has now Dad is dead, and to her this is life. What good is a connection to "god" if it cannot relate to that and to need in others and bringing itself into such actual loneliness as she begins to perceive that Death is not as far ahead of her as it has always been before. My daughter needs me, my wife also does. These do not go away and in my view of it all, these things should not go away and are not secondary to the call of the Kundalini on me now. The God I know understands this. I would do Him a gross disservice if I allowed anyone close to me to ever feel He caused them to somehow lose me and my love. God relates and so I must work harder to relate even better than I used to do and not allow that to falter at all.
So, what is it all about "Rockstar"? Is it God, which connects into someone with this awakened and flowing?
It is your own Higher Self, I think, and that is a genuine part of God. In this sense we are God, each of us, and God is not something alien or apart except in our own minds as we struggle to conceive of what God is and as is our wont, to put skin and halo and whatever props we think God should have on it. We have created this being over there somewhere we worship and make up rules for and blame for things and pray to and that isn't God. I have come to realize this. God is in us, and it is as active as we wake up and take responsibility for this world as the children of the Divine that we are.
Do I still pray to God? Sometimes. It is hard to change instantly despite the realizations I have been through these past few days. I still see God the Whole as something far vaster and a bit apart from me, who is God the Little Bit, but, we are One. I still love God the Whole tremendously, it remains my passion, but, this has not transferred to myself, though I am working on getting my self-valuation correct. There is a need to love yourself to a real point to grow and evolve, but it does not have to be this ego trap so many fall into. You know, those who do not speak in love but talk down to you in arrogance no matter what other wisdom is in their literal words, and they really think they speak in love. I run into them in a lot of places, including the Kundalini community. We are all yet children, learning. But, I also run into some amazingly wise and truly good folks there as well.
Personally, I am back to sleeping more normally now the fire has come in more and I am more in balance. I wake up remembering no dreams but as if I am in the middle of a conversation I do not recall but know new things and understandings. I am always aware of being deeply loved, and this is always on my mind. It tempers what I do and what I say in a way I have never dealt with before. I am conscious of everything I do and if I lose my temper it is instantly in my face and I back off and make it right and get back to calm again. I am getting better at catching it before it gets away from me, which would impress you if you knew what an expressive sort I am under it all. There is so much love, just so much, that really temper is a weak thing and fading away these days. I will be glad to see it die and fall away.
I feel I should add here that some out there who are awakened and dealing with all of this do not have a clear god concept. Some do not work with one at all, just their higher self. Some use Allah, some use various Pagan deities. It is all the same in the end. There is only one God and we are all part of that truth, and it is going to be alright with us. It is going to be alright.
I love you.
I write to serve.