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UM's 2018 Tricycle Race Demolition Derby


Taun

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Well, all the search parties have returned. It turns out that the first search party had already come back and just went straight to bed (apparently they emphasized the “Party” part of their title)… Stern notes were posted in the personnel folders of all involved…

This year’s route has been selected and without further ado, here it is:

The race will begin in the Grand Central Square, in the heart of the UM Complex… All racers will be sorted by their teams, in order of talent, winning records (and bribes of course)… Each team will be lined up in one of the many (mostly) straight (and mostly paved) streets that radiate out from the Grand Square (it’s not really square shaped – it’s just named that to confuse people)… When the starting bazooka is fired, the racers will all rush inward onto the (mostly circular-ish) traffic circle (known as a roundabout to some), and will speed around counter-clockwise for three full circuits… At this time the Grand All-High Inquisitor Mod will pull the lever that opens the “Ancient Endless Spiral Stairs of Doom” (which have been mostly covered with the cheapest grade of plywood we could find – so that it forms a 15 mile long 60 degree spiral down ramp…

The “Ancient Endless Spiral Stairs of Doom” were the result of a Public Works Project by a group of Inquisitor Mods a few thousand years ago… The original plans were for this to be a rather short spiral staircase down 15 meters to a lavish train station, which was to be built to begin linking UM’s far flung areas together… However, the designers abbreviated 15 meters to 15 m which the construction crew mistook for 15 miles… After the construction crew had gotten started, it was discovered that no one had invented trains yet, so the Inquisitors scrapped the project but neglected to tell the furiously digging crews… When the bottom was reached it was discovered that they had dug down into a series of ancient lava tubes, Prehistoric mammoth-gopher tunnels and some of the original dungeon levels…

Upon reaching the bottom of the “Ancient Endless Spiral Stairs of Doom” those racers that survive will be directed by rapidly strobing neon lights down the twisting tunnels and chambers, along the Ancient Grand Gallery with its view that overlooks 30 deeper levels (watch out – no safety rails!)  and finally along the Ancient Underground Sea (be cautious… there are “things” that live in there and they have tentacles!)…

The racers will then find themselves emerging from the underground at the base of the World famous Icanseemyhousefromhere Mountain and across the lovely and scenic Misty Marsh of Miasmic Wonder… (The Race Committee would like to take this opportunity to give a heartfelt thank you to the many “volunteers” (and their next of kins) who worked so hard (and for so little pay) to layout the plywood over the swampy ground to form the roadway for the racers to use…)

After crossing the Misty Marsh, the racers will travel through the Eastern Artillery Impact Zone (B), where as they speed along they will have the pleasure of witnessing the production testing of the latest model of Rocket Assisted Pogo-sticks for Seniors – which should amuse the racers to no end…

Once across the Impact Zone (which will most definitely be probably not receiving artillery hits at the time of the race – but you never know!) the racers will pull into the courses sole rest stop, where they can stretch their legs, get a cold frosty beverage (on sale from the Renegade Beer Balloon Fleet) and change their pants (as necessary), The Noggin’ Knockers Band will be providing musical entertainment (for a small fee they will move on and play somewhere else) and everyone is encouraged to polka for a bit before getting back on with the race…

The next leg of the race is perhaps the most dangerous… It is across the heart of UM’s “Land of Lost Tax Accountants”… Racers are advised to make all speed through here as the Tax Accountants are likely to ensnare you into a lengthy and hideously boring Tax audit – so beware!

After escaping the clutches of the Tax Accountants, it is directly into the Eastern Squiggle Reserve, where the racers will attempt to evade the rather lonely squiggles who are just looking for someone to pet them and take them home – racers are reminded that Squiggle Anti-Dote, chain-mail gauntlets and anti-itch cream are NOT on sale at the final rest stop – so bring your own!

And the final leg of the race is into the Eastern Oubliette Zone of the Central Complex, where the teeming mobs of fans will be waiting excitedly for the racers to speed past as they pelt them with rotten fruit, water balloons and glitter bombs…

So that’s the route for this year’s race… Study it, form your strategies and remember that June 3rd is the final day for Bribes to be placed (unless of course you bribe the officials to accept later bribes) – and may the best tricyclist (and best briber of course) win! (or at least survive)…

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I heard that Pookie the Moat Monster is going to make an appearance at the race this year to frighten motivate the contestants to go faster through the Misty Marsh.....

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Sorry Taun, but you lost me way back at the 15 mile long spiraling ramp part. I will however be present for the chili consumption... and of course party time with the Renegade Beer Balloon Fleet! 

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*Checks wallet*   Dang,I've got to get some money out to bribe, err.....pay off, no....persuade the judges to accept my registration for the race since I forgot to turn it in earlier....

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freetoroam

Posted

I have read the route plans 11 times now and i see nowhere on there any mention of the toilet facillities. 

I see we have a pant changing point, but really???  I expect a seat with a hole in and water at the bottom (bottom of toilet,  not my bottom)  at least so i can continue wearing my pants. I will not have room in my rucksack for an extra pair of pants this year, i made that mistake before when i sacrificed 3 packets of monster munch, 4 and a bit cadburys wholenut bars and a sherbet dip, for a spare pair of pants. I was staving and as it happens because i had not eaten, i did not need the spare pair of pants anyway.

Do i have to bribe the official to get a toilet installed too? This could cost me a fortune..

.what is the prize this year?  Money would be good for a change, you can not be giving out 2014 diaries again...you did that last year.

 

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Taun

Posted (edited)

Trust me free... That 15 mile long spiral staircase of horror will ensure that you will need no further toilet stops for a while! (It's also the reason for the pants changing option)...

 

As to prizes... we are looking into it and hitting up our sponsors.. Thus far we can guarantee that every entrant will be given their own weight in Spam (left over from a previous event), an assortment of "collectable" (i.e. obsolete and useless) subway tokens and a "festive garland" made from the slimy hairlike tendrils that Pookie the Moat Monster sheds... More to come later...

Edited by Taun
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freetoroam

Posted

28 minutes ago, Taun said:

Trust me free... That 15 mile long spiral staircase of horror will ensure that you will need no further toilet stops for a while! (It's also the reason for the pants changing option)...

 

As to prizes... we are looking into it and hitting up our sponsors.. Thus far we can guarantee that every entrant will be given their own weight in Spam (left over from a previous event), an assortment of "collectable" (i.e. obsolete and useless) subway tokens and a "festive garland" made from the slimy hairlike tendrils that Pookie the Moat Monster sheds... More to come later...

Subway tokens? Is that underground subway or submarine sandwich subway? 

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Well I ain't interested if there are no Relief Stations between the “Ancient Endless Spiral Stairs of Doom” and the Misty Marsh. I ain't wearing no diaper, it just slows me down ...

~

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spud the mackem

Posted

Do the tricycles have brakes fitted this year ,because last year when I tried to stop when the U.M. Riot Police put  down their speed trap spikes I felloff and slid down a bank into a ditch filled with frog spawn , and my armour plated U.M  T-shirt is ruined. Subway tokens are accepted in McDonalds every Thursday the 13th of any month.

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19 hours ago, freetoroam said:

Subway tokens? Is that underground subway or submarine sandwich subway? 

Yes...

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9 hours ago, third_eye said:

Well I ain't interested if there are no Relief Stations between the “Ancient Endless Spiral Stairs of Doom” and the Misty Marsh. I ain't wearing no diaper, it just slows me down ...

You most likely won't be able to stop between the Ancient Endless Spiral Stairs of Doom and the Misty Marsh... You're going to be travelling pretty fast... Our brave test tricyclist Butch "Crash" McGinnty broke the sound barrier coming off the stairs (and he was only half way down)... (but don't worry, this is UM... No one really gets hurt here just ouchies, bruises and assorted "booboos"...)

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1 hour ago, spud the mackem said:

Do the tricycles have brakes fitted this year ,because last year when I tried to stop when the U.M. Riot Police put  down their speed trap spikes I felloff and slid down a bank into a ditch filled with frog spawn , and my armour plated U.M  T-shirt is ruined. Subway tokens are accepted in McDonalds every Thursday the 13th of any month.

Of course they have brakes... The entire line of Mud Churner Trikes have always had brakes... (You obviously weren't riding an MC last year - accept no substitutes!) Each one has a piece of two by four strapped to the back rail that when "set" jams between the two rear wheels... Our test vehicles succesfully went from 100 MPH to 0 in two seconds... (unfortunately the drivers kept going at 100 MPH - but we are working on that)....

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freetoroam

Posted

25 minutes ago, Taun said:

Yes...

Thankyou for  clarifying it for me. I got a bit confused, but you have sorted it. I thankyou for your time in fully explaining it all.

To all UMers, i would like to say how satisfactory the customer service advise department is. A+ 

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freetoroam

Posted

25 minutes ago, Taun said:

Of course they have brakes... The entire line of Mud Churner Trikes have always had brakes... (You obviously weren't riding an MC last year - accept no substitutes!) Each one has a piece of two by four strapped to the back rail that when "set" jams between the two rear wheels... Our test vehicles succesfully went from 100 MPH to 0 in two seconds... (unfortunately the drivers kept going at 100 MPH - but we are working on that)....

I was just wondering if you need any test dummies to try out the test brakes and  do you pay a wage? 

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26 minutes ago, freetoroam said:

I was just wondering if you need any test dummies to try out the test brakes and  do you pay a wage? 

We are always happy to accept new crash test dummies (the dumber the better actually)... We do have very rigid standards though... The standard hiring exam is for the examiner to hold up his/her hand with all five fingers extended... The prospective employee then selects one finger, and the examiner then wiggles their fingers around vigorously for a few seconds to "shuffle them up"... If the prospective employee is able to locate the finger they previously selected within three attempts- we don't want them....

As for wages, what with the International nature of UM and the wide spectrum of currencies floating around, and the rapid fluctuation of the currency exchange rates, the UM Department of Standards, Weights, Measures, Testing and Aardvark Breeding now pays it's employees in turnips (by quantity not weight)... Please check with your local Inquisitor's Office or your respective Chief Flogger for current exchange rates of turnips to rutabaga's - which can then be exchanged at most Toll Booths and/or Lemonade stands for an actual local currency...

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freetoroam

Posted

49 minutes ago, Taun said:

We are always happy to accept new crash test dummies (the dumber the better actually)... We do have very rigid standards though... The standard hiring exam is for the examiner to hold up his/her hand with all five fingers extended... The prospective employee then selects one finger, and the examiner then wiggles their fingers around vigorously for a few seconds to "shuffle them up"... If the prospective employee is able to locate the finger they previously selected within three attempts- we don't want them....

As for wages, what with the International nature of UM and the wide spectrum of currencies floating around, and the rapid fluctuation of the currency exchange rates, the UM Department of Standards, Weights, Measures, Testing and Aardvark Breeding now pays it's employees in turnips (by quantity not weight)... Please check with your local Inquisitor's Office or your respective Chief Flogger for current exchange rates of turnips to rutabaga's - which can then be exchanged at most Toll Booths and/or Lemonade stands for an actual local currency...

I am allergic to turnips, can i have smoked salmon instead?

For the finger test i pick

1: The 2nd finger on the left

2: the finger next to the 1st one on the left

3: the 4th finger from the right.

Oooo. I hope i pass.

 

 

 

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11 hours ago, freetoroam said:

I am allergic to turnips, can i have smoked salmon instead?

For the finger test i pick

1: The 2nd finger on the left

2: the finger next to the 1st one on the left

3: the 4th finger from the right.

Oooo. I hope i pass.

~

'ere ... I don't like the way the Chief Inquisitor is looking at ya with that kind of a lookin' , I don't

~

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freetoroam

Posted

5 hours ago, third_eye said:

~

'ere ... I don't like the way the Chief Inquisitor is looking at ya with that kind of a lookin' , I don't

~

Do you think its my thoing? Maybe i should change my finger choice and thoing. 

Can we report him to the sub chief inquisitor for inappropriate looking?

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XenoFish

Posted

I got banned from participation. I guess red bull and instant coffee are considered being on the "juice".

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freetoroam

Posted

3 minutes ago, XenoFish said:

I got banned from participation. I guess red bull and instant coffee are considered being on the "juice".

They can not ban you....you are one of the best contestants. I had my money on you finishing second. ;)

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Taun

Posted (edited)

2 hours ago, XenoFish said:

I got banned from participation. I guess red bull and instant coffee are considered being on the "juice".

They don't ban people from being on the "juice"... In fact the only way a person can get one of these clunky old trikes up to any kind of speed on a flat and level straight-a-way is to be on some form of juice... I checked the records and your application was rejected because you failed to fill out the complete form... You stopped after page 934, leaving the last 17 pages blank... Plus, you used improper grammer when you filled in the clay tablets - remember, this is an official form and you must use the High class form of Ancient Hittite... You used the common vernacular in 7,325 places... Tsk Tsk...

That and your bribe check bounced....

Edited by Taun
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XenoFish

Posted (edited)

37 minutes ago, Taun said:

They don't ban people from being on the "juice"... In fact the only way a person can get one of these clunky old trikes up to any kind of speed on a flat and level straight-a-way is to be on some form of juice... I checked the records and your application was rejected because you failed to fill out the complete form... You stopped after page 934, leaving the last 17 pages blank... Plus, you used improper grammer when you filled in the clay tablets - remember, this is an official form and you must use the High class form of Ancient Hittite... You used the common vernacular in 7,325 places... Tsk Tsk...

That and your bribe check bounced....

At least I tried. Its really hard to fill all that out when your crayons keep breaking, plus you told me that monopoly money was fine. I smell a conspiracy.

Edited by XenoFish
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The full report should be up in a few days... Got a lot of notes to go through..

(On a lot of pain meds from my back right now - a bit hard to be coherently incoherent - if you know what I mean)...

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15 hours ago, Taun said:

The full report should be up in a few days... Got a lot of notes to go through..

(On a lot of pain meds from my back right now - a bit hard to be coherently incoherent - if you know what I mean)...

Get well soon old scooter .. I did told you to leave those half nakkid misty marsh monsters alone, did I not ?

~

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9 hours ago, third_eye said:

Get well soon old scooter .. I did told you to leave those half nakkid misty marsh monsters alone, did I not ?

~

You did say "half" nakkid... Right?...

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