Why I Joined UNICULT and Why I Left
By Deanna Jaxine Stinson, HPI's Esoteric Detective
Halo Paranormal Investigations
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One day, as I am watching a well-known entertainment channel called MTV, I came across their long running series, “True Life.” I had originally started watching this channel when I was much younger. I was in a foster home, group home and mental hospital for investigations of child abuse on my family during the time I was 15, which led to my first suicide attempt and therefore the transitioning to these different places. Because of all the prior sexual abuse I had endured as a child from my daycare and these charges and everything that I had been through growing up you could say I was very devoted to music and that’s how I came to love this channel as we could watch music videos in some of these places to escape reality.
So, I really believed in this network and all the great shows they had to offer, even when they started joining the mainstream popular notations of reality and leaving behind the actual love of music. Fast forward to the case workers not having enough evidence to convict my parents, who were religious martyrs for the Christian bible and their understandings of it. They had been allowed to visit me in the hospitals and so started to manipulate me into thinking I was just not Christian enough and they really did love me. In fact, I was in a hospital so I must be the one not thinking clearly. They paid more attention to me then they had ever done in my whole existence.
At the time I was so naïve as I had no real understanding of the concept of love. Before my father and stepmother had taken custody of me at 8, I had been with my mother who would frequently leave my sister and I alone at our residences for days, weeks even, due to drugs, (we often moved, from one eviction to the next) and sometimes with friends, my grandparents or at a daycare with a lady who would not call the police, but instead keep us over when she wouldn't come pick us up, but resent this fact she was getting ripped off and not keep a close eye on us, which in turn left me to be sexually abused on several separate occasions without anyone caring or perhaps knowing. Because of her bitterness towards my mother, I often felt a deep sense of shame and guilt towards who I was as a person and felt I had no right to complain.
Then, we moved in with our stepmother who was in turn with my father to move us for her medical career very often, never staying in one city longer than months at a time, the longest being a few years in my teens. Not that this was a terrible thing to get to see the U.S.A, but it made the case where little time was left to focus on me or what I had previously been through. The focus was placed on my parents and what we could do to make their lives easier, such as by being “good kids” and letting them alone. Most days were terrible for me emotionally, but I found a sense of relief through places, people and entertainment.
Being as how the adults were speaking on all the adverse ways a child abuse charge would affect my parents and my parent’s reassurance that they were not abusing me, I was only focusing on what I could do to help them. In all my therapy sessions I would not even talk about myself as I was taught to believe I was selfish for doing so, therefore I never had a chance to mention my abuses, thoughts, feelings, just only how I could please my parents to make everything happy for them.
In the hospital, one therapist who every session we had, gave into my fixation with saving my parents and thought that maybe we could write a letter to the female senator who was running for office in the state we were in to help us. Sure enough, soon after the letter was sent there was a pardon on the case and we were returned home.
Something wasn’t right when we got back. My parents were not the same as when I was in the hospital. They were angry, upset and emotional again every day and it seemed once again to be directed at me and my sister. It was as if nothing I did was good enough. Even the bills were somehow our fault. One other major source problem was my obsession with the paranormal and occult due to my psychic abilities I was born with and being named after my aunt who committed suicide at 16 and all the family stories I had heard of their paranormal witnessing aliens, angels, reincarnation and the supernatural.
Flash forward two days later and I had done something rebellious again, I can’t exactly remember, most likely a quija board, a spell, staying out past curfew, going to a party or talking back because I wasn't perfect you know, I was a teenager who craved fun and attention and they were looking for a daughter who was likened to the Saint Mary with a 4.5 grade point average and thin and beautiful angel who did only godlike things. I ended up kicked out and lucky my friend’s family could take me in.
This pattern continued to repeat itself and the police would be called if my sister and I were so much as a few minutes past curfew and my father was friends with the small local police force and would spin wild stories and say we were “out of control”. One time I didn't make my bed and so he called the school to pull me and my sister out, who had a messy bed as well. He picked us up, stating an emergency. He tore apart our rooms, breaking things, trashing it and told us to clean it up and walk back to school and then he was going to convince the school it was an unexcused absence, even after he pulled us out himself. Once blaming me as a child for him looking at porn to my stepmother, saying I was doing it, but the story didn't hold so eventually he had to come clean and even saying he was taking us shopping or something and then go gambling instead with the money and such and such things which I could go on for pages on. BUT YOU GET THE IDEA!
I was kicked out the final time at 16 and so had never been taught how to apply to college or believed I was even good enough. Had my health insurance taken during this time and had no idea how to get birth control or anything like that and ended up living with a grown man as I had nowhere else to go to escape. So anyways it led to a life of teen pregnancy, low self-esteem, drug abuse, more suicide attempts, physically abusive relationships, depression and all that you could think of to do to get away from this idea of who I was supposed to be versus who I am.
I had never really thought of cults in a good sense before. The way they were depicted in the media in a negative light I had never really been entranced into wanting to belong to one. I had seen serial killers, weirdos and greedy people collecting on others hopes and dreams and wondered who would ever fall for that.
The definition of a cult as defined by merriam webster is “a small religious group that is not part of a larger and more accepted religion and that has beliefs regarded by many people as extreme or dangerous”
The definition by the medical dictionary, “A system of beliefs and rituals based on dogma or religious teachings and characterized by devoted adherents who display a readiness to obey, an unrealistic idealization of the leader, an abandonment of personal ambition and goals, and an eschewing of traditional societal values”
Basically, the actual defining of a cult is highly controversial and you will find a different definition everywhere that you look! This leads to tons of misidentification, misunderstanding and miscommunication for people.
One day MTV was playing their show “True Life” where they displayed cult leaders. At the time I had been writing music as Shooting Star Baby and I saw this one lady who was also a female musician who stood for unicorns. In my lonely head I thought that I could reach out to her to try to collaborate on a song. I was trying to find unorthodox opportunities and everything she was doing looked so innocent. I related to her through her past suicidal tendencies and ways of thinking and also she loved aliens of whom I have encountered many. We seemed to have a lot in common and I wanted to belong somewhere and feel validated.
Here she was saying that she was against corporations and all these large bodies of group, but it didn't sink in, but yeah why is she on a major network then, etc. She had so many like minded friends and that was a group I thought I waned to belong to. We had all seemed to experience this isolation and abandonment from being different from mainstream society.
I quickly found my way to researching the episode to reach out. In my head people on TV are just people in the news as its just a broadcast of awareness, but I quickly came to find out that she viewed herself as a celebrity along with some other of her followers so my attempts to contact for a collaboration added with my people pleasing skills quickly made it into my behaviors being thought of as fan like I’m sure.
She seemed so nice with catchy sayings like, “Here for you” Yes that’s what I needed was someone to be there for me. She seemed to spread positivity and love, which I was lacking and which she made an instance to show me this as well by saying I needed love. Yes, you are right. I didn't realize I was being sucked in so to speak as she seemed like a business person who sold cool artsy supplies, of which I willingly purchased, even though they were not really worth the price she was asking I felt like I was somehow helping her and this movement out.
At this point I realize I am deceiving myself, but the point I am trying to get across is that I was vulnerable, suicidal, desperate to be thought of as worthy to someone and especially maybe by a female figure as I was rejected by both my mothers and half sister. Who knows, whatever the case I put myself in that place and feeling embarrassed I just kept telling myself it was innocent, harmless. It was only online after all.
At some time, all the extra money I had I was using in buying her items in hopes it would bring someone close to me. You have to purchase levels in the cult to advance and then she would send you questionnaires and it felt good someone was asking me questions to get to know me. She would ignore me and only talk to me if I bought something from her, so I kept doing it over and over again. Its sad and pathetic, I know, but I am against the concepts of church who I literally feel stole my parents’ minds and pocketbooks so I thought I was doing something to fight against their power.
There were some moments which I was utterly disturbed which really woke me up. One is how she had this internet boyfriend who lived in New Zealand who she had this gorgeous love story with and had a go fund me so he could be flown to be with her, but she needed the help of her cult so everyone sent her enough donations to get him there. They got married and we were so excited and I viewed her genuinely as a friend in my mind so I sent her gifts to celebrate.
Flash forward to the future and they were breaking up citing physical abuse on both ends. She had stood for immigrants so hard in her case to get donations and was one of the reasons I supported her. But, then come to find out this was so shocking. He was nice and he actually answered an Instagram call from me one night and told me that yes, she did in fact punch him in the face. I tried to call her, but of course she wasn’t available for that. It was disappointing and it showed me the true nature of everything.
After this point she began to ignore her old friends and acquaintances to move to LA to get away and be a star or something I don’t know. I just assume because everyone envisions moving to LA to become famous. When in reality there are tons of homeless, drug users and horrible situations collected there than good.
She would always talk about other women who were popular in music like Britney Spears or Poppy and degrade them and I couldn't understand why besides that they were successful and that blew her gears to think of women succeeding like that. She acted like she was against the stream of things, but really she desperately wants to belong there too. She puts out this image that she cares about women and everything where I don’t feel she does. Its just for superficial justice. It is inauthentic and misleading.
Her next project was to start a sex brothel with robots. She desperately tried to get funding, even Cosmopolitan, another huge entity published her goal with the need of donations. At this point, it was triggering my ptsd from the sexual abuse in my past and I got really intensely sick to my stomach because of my issues and I started seeing her from a different perspective. She was talking about orgies with her cult and really highlighted unique sexualities.
Also, a level two kit that I ordered came and there was a floppy disc with information inside so I ordered it and I had to buy an external drive for my laptop as they don’t manufacture drives like that anymore and long story short it crashed my computer and I never found out was on that disc. I told her about it and she said she was horrified, not sorry or anything on my behalf, but shocked. No refund, nothing to make it up at all.
At this time, I said please just take my name out of your cult. I didn't want anyone else in a vulnerable position to think she was going to support them, talk to them or care like she sort of makes it seem like she will. I didn't want to be associated at that point any longer.
So anyways, the whole moral of the story is do not join a cult. Because you might be tricking yourself into thinking its harmless, but it has triggered my ptsd and that triggers suicidal intentions and depression, anxiety and all these life threatening issues. I don’t want you to think that just because someone sprinkles unicorns and glitter all over something that it makes it safe. AND remember you should value yourself first and foremost and never allow someone to take advantage of your perceptions, especially if it involves needing your money.
Why I Joined UNICULT and Why I Left