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talking to myself

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Each person God’s only Child

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markdohle

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Each person God’s only Child
(I forget sometimes)
 
Quote: You are afraid of distractions, of daydreams, and of foolish thoughts; these do not offend Me
because they are no more than flies buzzing in the background.
 
I am absorbed by your presence before Me. Does it shock you that I should say such a thing? But I am absorbed by you: My eyes rest upon you; My Heart is all yours; I am listening intently to you; and all My attention is focused on you when you come seeking Me. Believe that I am totally absorbed by you, and soon you will be totally absorbed by Me. I speak here using human terms, using the language of friendship, of affection, of love. I am present here in all the sensitivity and tenderness of My humanity. I am here offering you My friendship, ready to spend as much time with you as you are ready to spend with Me..---Unquote
 
A Benedictine Monk. In Sinu Jesu: When Heart Speaks to Heart--The Journal of a Priest at Prayer (Kindle Locations 4565-4571). Angelico Press. Kindle Edition.
 
The other morning, I was in a place of rootlessness. Floating, restless, unsettled, seeking some way to find a place to rest…..yet I fought prayer. It is strange how I will often do that, as if praying is something so hard, that I can’t spend energy being in communion with God. So I drifted, tried to read, could not, walked, but my restlessness was unabated. I find this state painful, even if I understand I often prolonged it by my wanderings, by my lack of discipline. I could feel the call to prayer, but fought it, almost against my will.
 
So finally after a couple of hours of this (the noonday devil, experienced in the morning), I went into the church, which was empty at that time, and sat down, and just put myself in God’s presence and waited. At first, my mind was numb, without thought, then the distractions came, and I was thinking about this, then about that, and tried to bring my mind back to the present. Finally, I pulled out my Rosary, which I was also fighting praying it. It is as if, a part of me does not want to be settled, rooted in Christ Jesus, so I was in a tug of war, well sort of. Perhaps I was just in a mood. I do know, that the longer I seek the Lord, the more I am aware of areas of my life that still fight being seen by God’s loving gaze. Often not sure what is fighting, but it is part of my own inner life.
 
The Rosary is a good form of prayer for those who need something tactile to hold on to. It helps to dispel energy in a way that is calming, and not leading to more agitation. So I slowly prayed the Fatima Prayer, the Glory Be, the Our Father, and the Hail Mary’s. Soon my body started to relax, and my mind became focused, and I was beginning to find some inner calm, and peace. So once again, I learned that when attacked by the noon-day devil, no matter what time of the day, it is best to simply pray the best way one can. For me it is the use of the Rosary. Some days, I stay distracted when saying the Rosary, so I focus only on the words. Other days I sink into the divine presence, on others, I find I need to ponder some aspect of Scripture. Good days, bad days, there all the same, and we all have our share.
 
I do not believe one moment is holier than another, or one place more sacred than others, but emotionally I am not there. Perhaps by the time I am 80, this will truly sink in. Until then, I will continue to seek to ‘settle in’ more quickly, to spare myself the endless desert that I can put myself in.
Running away from the very thing I seek……yet in all things God grace triumphs.
 
Tendencies to self-destruction
 
One day a woman here on retreat came up to me,
she looked at me with an intense gaze before she spoke,
and asked me this question,
 
“Do you think you are a good person”?
 
I was taken back by it,
so I thought for a while and responded,
“No, I am not”.
 
She was surprised at my response
and asked me why I thought that.
 
“Well, I said, each day I have to struggle
in some way to do the right thing,
I have to fight tendencies to be uncaring about others,
unconcerned about their problems,
that I do not want to be bothered”.
 
“So in order to live out my faith,
and what my conscience leads me to understand,
it is a struggle to make the right choices,
some days easier than others,
yet even on a good day, I have to choose.
 
To be blunt I often fail”.
 
“So I begin again,
trusting in God’s mercy,
and in that over the years,
I have learned to understand others
through my own failures, and need for
understanding, and mercy”. –Br.MD
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Carlos Allende

Posted

It strikes me there's a slight parallel between the desire to be monastically focused on God and the type of daily, transcendental training a person does when first learning to lucid dream.

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Helen of Annoy

Posted (edited)

@GoldenWolf Oh, you were self-made? :D 

Kidding. 

Yes, religious terminology and choice of metaphors may not be equally attractive to everyone. But I never could believe in accidental life. Or in accidental anything. At the same time, I never could believe in limited higher power, and it always seems somehow limited when it's defined by men.  

But the true nature of our existence is so beyond my grasp I simply have to use the same archetypes and metaphors religions do, as limited as they are, in attempt to think of the unlimited existence. (The very word 'unlimited' breaks my brain every single time.)

 

Anyway, sorry for bothering you, it's not my intention to tell you how you should think, I'm just typing about thinking about the way I think. I think :D   

Because it disturbs me when the most profound point

 
Quote

 

I have learned to understand others
through my own failures, and need for
understanding, and mercy

 

 

laid out in the most honest manner

Quote

To be blunt I often fail

is lost just because of the terminology. 

 

And to be blunt, I just failed in quoting @markdohle  :lol: but we'll all notice it was his poem from the original post that I quoted. 

 

 

Edited by Helen of Annoy
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