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"Welcome Back You Old Fossil" Tri-cycle Race

Taun

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The route for the first annual “Welcome back You Old Fossil” Tri-cycle Race and Polka Fest will be held soon – the exact date and time shall be kept secret until it happens…While participation in this race is voluntary, as it is in honor of the return of our Most Benevolent, Wise and (slightly Weird) Mummy Overlord lack of participation will result in being made to dine in the UM cafeteria for every meal until the next race, plus at least 1 visit from me every week where I play my accordion for you and sing (I do not know how to play the accordion and my singing has been described as “delightful” by such famous persons as Torquemada, the Marquis de Sade and some really drunk dude who was passed out for most of it)…

The Event shall kick-off when the participants least expect it – most likely around 2 AM-ish (Pago-Pago Standard Daylight Savings Time) when most participants are either sleeping snuggly in their cells, oubliettes and cages – or hard at work at some nefarious (no doubt illegal) activity… The Grand Inquisitors highly trained staff of ruffians, thugs and used car salesmen will burst in on the participants – subdue them (but politely of course) and Shanghai them to the starting place – which will be the Central landing Stage deep in the heart of the Old Creepy Forest… There the blindfolded participants will be loaded up on board the awaiting World War I Surplus zeppelins of the Renegade Beer Balloon Fleet, wrapped up like mummies – in honor of our Grand Marshall - and duct taped to their racing tricycles then air lifted out over the vast expanses of the Northwestern Highway Pothole Storage Area (#17), where at an altitude of at least 10,000 feet (3,048 meters) their hoods and blindfolds will be removed and they will be dropped on the starting line… The parachutes they will be issued (for a slight additional fee of course) are set to open at around 1,000 (ish) feet, thereby allowing our racers to gently(ish) touch down and begin racing… The parachute packing team of the UM Pickle, Sardine, Parachute and Sausage Packers Guild assure us that most of the ‘chutes should open at some point, There will be no refunds for failures however)…

After alighting, the survivors racers will speed off directly Southward until they finally reach the Great Prickly Pear Cactus Forest where they will negotiate the labyrinthine trails marked off (or that should be marked off anyway) by our own rather prickly Grumpy Old Coot and Cootess Society – They have a notoriously bad sense of direction, and their memories are not that great either so racers might want to purchase maps of the cactus labyrinth while aboard the Zeppelins…

Those that manage to emerge from the Cactus Forest will find themselves confronting the Great Glass Barrier… The GGB was built several thousand years ago by the same crew that built the Great Wall of China… As they had only a cursory familiarity with UM’s Official language of Ancient Hittite they misinterpreted “I want it Classy” into “I want it Glassy” and so they built the entire 9,000 mile long 75 foot high wall out of pure glass…

At the foot of the wall the racers own pit crew teams will replace the front wheel of the tricycle with a rimless wheel that has all of the spokes tipped with large suction cups… after driving over a shallow pool of slimy water (wet suction cups get better traction) they will drive up the glass wall to the top of the wall and then down the other side where the original wheels will be placed back on…

After this it is a simple matter of racing straight through the Methane Marsh – home of UM’s world famous Mime School – and then back into the main UM complex where they will find the finish line painted at the base of a portion of Pookie the Moat Monster’s Primary tail (Pookie is hibernating right now – so it should be semi-safe-ish)… The racers must get on his (?) tail tip – race down the 500 meter length of it, cross the line then get off before he (?) awakes (be cautions as Pookie is ALWAYS snackish when he(?) awakes)…

The winner of the race is exempt for the next three races, Second place is exempt for the next two, third place from the next one and everyone else will be forced to dine in the UM cafeteria for the next 6 months…

Following the race, we will all adjourn to the Recently renovated Lunar Lounge and Dance Hall for our Polka Fest welcoming kmt_sesh back… Travel will be courtesy of the Alien Space Saucer Fleet and their commander Admiral Preet*Hwauk Buurrskftel (Jr.) – They promise no more faster than Time travel voyages this time as they can’t afford to pay any more crew members after the quadrupling of their fleet at our last outing with them…(See “Moon Dance Masquerade Party” posted earlier in my blog for all the details)….

Good luck to everyone!



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The Wistman

Posted

Where's the casino?  I heard there was gonna be gambling and booze.  :devil:

How are we supposed to dress?

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third_eye

Posted

All time traveling vehicles should not have more than five two inch wheels... 

~

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49 minutes ago, The Wistman said:

Where's the casino?  I heard there was gonna be gambling and booze.  :devil:

How are we supposed to dress?

giphy.gif

Since most of you will be abducted ... er I mean recruited ... while sleeping in your cells or oubliettes, I imagine that you'll be wearing your UM approved footie pajamas... And the Renegade Beer Balloon fleet is pretty danged close to being a casino most of the time anyway...

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I say we pool our resources, rent Mar-a-Lago and friggin trash the place....I bring "you know what". :yes:

 

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third_eye

Posted

2 hours ago, Piney said:

I say we pool our resources, rent Mar-a-Lago and friggin trash the place....I bring "you know what". :yes:

 

You'll have to spell it out, it's the rules... 

~

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10 hours ago, Taun said:

Since most of you will be abducted ... er I mean recruited ... while sleeping in your cells or oubliettes, I imagine that you'll be wearing your UM approved footie pajamas... And the Renegade Beer Balloon fleet is pretty danged close to being a casino most of the time anyway...

I will have to find my approved footie pjs as I sleep in as little as possible....don't wish to scare the children.   :ph34r:

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3 hours ago, tcgram said:

I will have to find my approved footie pjs as I sleep in as little as possible....don't wish to scare the children.   :ph34r:

The Grand Inquisitors office has announced that they would really appreciate it if everyone was wearing their approved footie pj's (Preferably the ones with the little ducks on them) as they also don't wish to be scared when they come in to "recruit" you... Some of their Ruffians, Thugs and Floggers are a bit sensitive and easily traumatized... The Used Car salesmen not so much...

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2 hours ago, Taun said:

The Grand Inquisitors office has announced that they would really appreciate it if everyone was wearing their approved footie pj's (Preferably the ones with the little ducks on them)

What's wrong with bunnies? :(

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The Chief Flogger Chuck "No Nose" Nagurski was frightened by a rabbit at the tender age of 37... He doesn't react well when he sees them... So it's your choice...

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12 minutes ago, Taun said:

The Chief Flogger Chuck "No Nose" Nagurski was frightened by a rabbit at the tender age of 37... He doesn't react well when he sees them... So it's your choice...

If I said it once, I said it a thousand times because I grew up surrounded by you screwballs. :unsure2:

*Friggin loopy Nam vets* :o

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33 minutes ago, Piney said:

If I said it once, I said it a thousand times because I grew up surrounded by you screwballs. :unsure2:

*Friggin loopy Nam vets* :o

I resemble that remark...

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third_eye

Posted

Uhmmm.... The bunnies are all with me in the secret room, it's alright, I came on the Time traveling vehicle... 

~

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2 hours ago, third_eye said:

Uhmmm.... The bunnies are all with me in the secret room, it's alright, I came on the Time traveling vehicle... 

~

That means you got here before you left... make sure your past/future self isn't raiding your bank account!

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third_eye

Posted

47 minutes ago, Taun said:

That means you got here before you left... make sure your past/future self isn't raiding your bank account!

It's okay, we took precautions, we only raid other people's bank accounts.... 

~

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Well, the First Annual “Welcome Back You Old Fossil” Tri-cycle Race and Polka Fest is history now… As I’m sure most of you survivors…er… I mean participants can agree, a fun time was had by all – well, almost all… Many perhaps… Maybe some – okay, a few… For those of you with massive hangovers (and/or concussions) I will give a recap of the festivities…

It all kicked off (and I mean “kicked” off!) Saturday morning (well – technically it was morning anyway) at 2:53 PPDST (Pago-Pago Daylight Savings Time), when the combined officers of the Grand Inquisitors Office and both the local and regional offices of the Floggers, Thugs, No-Goodniks and Used Car Salesmen Union, began kicking down the doors to UM’s many hundreds of thousands of Lurkers, Members, Guests and Hostages (including their loved ones and in some cases, their families) oubliettes, cells and Penthouse dungeons…

The always smiling floggers and their assistants serenaded the early risers with their impromptu rendition of “Wipeout” played on metal trashcans with plastic baseball bats as the Used Car salesmen (who are very adept at tying people up with contracts and red tape) blindfolded, and hogtied the cheerfully bemused early risers (okay – I might have exaggerated the “cheerful” part a bit)… Those participants who were not already attired in an approved and official set of UM footie pajamas (the ones with the little duckies on them, not the ones with the Wicked Witches flying monkeys) were speedily re-dressed in the “proper” racing attire…. (below are examples of the official racing attire and the only approved alternative (in your favorite team colors of course):

duckies.jpg.920db06f46329cc17eb687b2a578ed48.jpg61jIFRfSICL._UY879_.thumb.jpg.908c476bcc5ace1bdb5bf8ac2789eeb8.jpg

 

After all the struggling redressing, the contestants were dragged herded guided to awaiting transport vehicles (little red wagons being pulled by diesel powered pogo-sticks) and taken to the Main Landing stage in the heart of the Creepy Old forest (not to be confused with the one in the Old Creepy Forest – just next door)… There the contestants were duct-taped to their awaiting Racing Tricycle (the latest 2019 model of the famous Mud-Churner 3000), and those who had pre-paid the (minimal) fee of 2,000 Turnips were outfitted with parachutes (each ‘chute came with a written guarantee to either open – or not)…

It was here that the Grand Marshall and Guest of Honor kmt-sesh –looking resplendent in his formal mummy wraps - made a rousing and inspirational speech about how there was no way in heck that he was getting on one of those stupid balloons wearing that ridiculous outfit taped to a child's toy and be tossed overboard at 10,000 feet – but the spam sandwiches were tasty… To rousing applause…

Once secured on their tricycles and loaded aboard the awaiting WWI surplus zeppelins of the Renegade Beer Balloon Fleet, the fleet took off majestically into the pre-dawn sky to the somber and inspiring sound of UM’s massed Kazoo and Snare Drum marching bands playing UM’s National Anthem (“Louie Louie”)… There wasn’t a dry eye to be found (It was raining rather hard at the time)…

After a few hours of drifting aimlessly about at 10,000 feet the RBBF managed to find the start line of the race, and as they crossed the drop zone, the participants were unblindfolded and tossed over the side… The race was ON!

Right away the early bribes paid by some of the racers paid off, as several of the zeppelins had climbed to 20,000 feet before dropping their passengers – to allow them to build up more speed on the way down… Soon hundreds of thousands of pajama clad racers duct-taped to multi colored racing tricycles and (some) with open gaily colored parachutes filled the sky as they plummeted toward the ground at the Northwestern Highway Pothole Storage Area (#17), shrieking with delight (well… shrieking anyway)…

It was at this point that the entire Team Mauve left the race… They had paid hefty pre-race bribes to have trampolines placed at the impact sites, to get an advantageous bounce to start the race… But the zombie crews that set them up, made them just a bit too tight, and Team Mauve soon found themselves rocketing back up into the sky, and back aboard the zeppelins, where the surprised (and annoyed) zeppelin crews put them to work scrubbing the outer skin of the ships, while the ships made their way to raid a nearby nacho-chip factory...

The other racers hit the ground like sacks of wet cement (don’t worry – this is UM. No one gets hurt here, just assorted ouchies and booboos) and after pulling themselves out of the newly created holes in the ground that they had made, they turned around to face what they hoped was the right direction and began pedaling like mad… The Northwestern Highway Pothole Storage Area (#17) employees were delighted at the newly created potholes that cost the department nothing to make…

After several hours of racing at the break neck average speed of 1,108,800 fpf (furlongs per fortnight or 5 mph/ 8 kph) the racers reached the northern edge of the Great Prickly-Pear Cactus Forest – 500 square miles of dense prickly-pear cactus clumps, that tower up to over 25 feet in height…

Winding their tortuous way through the cactus forest are three paths that actually lead “safely” through the maze of thorns, rattlesnakes, quicksand and Internet trolls, the other 9,000 trails lead to… well, no one really knows where, as no one has ever returned… Still, the three “safe” trails were clearly marked by the Grumpy Old Coot and Cootess Society, by means of a continuous line of dental adhesive, dropped pills, old copies of TV guide and an assortment of empty laxative bottles….

The first racer to reach the Cactus forest was Amir AmirAmir of team Tangerine, followed closely by the racing duo of the Terrible Tachikawa Twins – Okoru and Shibutoi of Team Orange – on their custom built two seater tricycle the Garakuta Takusan-3000 (bribes were paid)… While the trails were plainly marked, it was unfortunate that the first few thousand racers managed to obliterate the markings. Close to 150,000 slower racers found themselves off on one (or more) of the non-safe trails… Search parties are being organized if any of you wish to volunteer…

Those that managed to avoid the 3 to 6 inch inch cactus thorns, get past the rattlesnakes, around the quicksand and get away from the internet trolls found themselves at the base of the world famous Great Glass Barrier (75 feet tall, 15 feet thick and 9,000 miles long)… Here the racers pit crews of tame(ish) zombie mechanics worked to replace the front “drive” wheel of the trikes with wheels that had no rim, just suction cups at the ends of the spokes… Beverages and snacks were served to the racers and those that still had duct tape on them had it removed (more or less)… Once the wheels were replaced the racers were then free to begin trying to pedal their tricycles up the smooth glass wall using the suction cups for traction…. Hilarity ensued…

Team Brown had paid hefty bribes to have the suction cups of Team Blue sabotaged by poking little holes in them, thereby preventing them from being able to form a vacuum seal… While Team Blue had paid a hefty bribe to have Team Browns suction cups coated with super glue… As a result Team Blue was unable to go over the wall and had to pedal around (it was only 2,000 miles to the northern end), while Team Brown was stuck to the side of the wall – and as far as we know are there still… Negotiations are underway to employ the stranded members of Team Brown as “Tour guides” of the GGB to explain its history to visitors…  

The rest of the racers were eventually able to make their way up the smooth glass sides of the wall, their suction cups making a sound described as if “200,000 kids put their fingers in their mouths and popped their cheeks – over and over for hours”… The Bubble wrap industry had sound recording engineers on hand to record the noise to improve the annoyance levels of popping bubble wrap… UM made a nice, tidy fee of nearly $15 for that – the race has already paid for itself!

As exciting as the ascent up the glass wall was, the descent was even more entertaining… Many racers decided to not drive down the wall but to just jump off, and so after having their wheels re-replaced, gained quite a head start on those who doggedly pedaled down the wall side face downward… Unfortunately for those who jumped off, they missed reading the secret password etched on the wall, and when they reached the first checkpoint an hour later, had to go back and re-do the entire wall crossing (both ways)… Many racers who use English as a second language learned many new words (few of which can be printed here)!

Immediately after the GGB, the racers found themselves crossing the Methane Marsh – where UM stores all of the excess gas emitted following our frequent chili cook offs, and the hot air from politicians the world over… This gas is used to keep our massive fleet of inter-urban dirigible taxis afloat – and of course the Renegade Beer Balloon Fleet often raids here to get a “quick refill”… This leg of the race is not that challenging – so long as the racers don’t breathe, and wear goggles… The only true hazard is directly in the center of the sprawling marsh where the world renowned Mime College is located… The school has been there for 13,265 years and no student has ever complained about the smell… At least they haven’t said anything…  The danger to the racer here is two-fold, (well… threefold if you count the clouds of methane gas) first, that the mimes will abduct the racers and force them to enroll, and second that the mimes will knock the racers off of their tricycles, steal the tricycle and pedal their way to freedom… Smart racers made certain to pack plastic baseball bats to fend off the mimes…

The first racer to emerge from the Marsh was Hildegard Hamhock of Team Lard, still furiously whacking at the clutching mimes with her rather battered plastic bat, following her were 3 or 4 hundred escaping mimes on captured tricycles, but authorities quickly rounded them up and sent them back and returned the tricycles to the original racers – the world is not ready for that many mimes to be unleashed at one time…

At last the hordes of furiously pedaling racers reached the final stretch… The Grand Outer Moat, where a napping Pookie The Moat Monster lay at rest. Pookie always sleeps on the surface of the sludge, slime and algae filled moat – as that is when he(?) molts, or sheds his(?) skin or whatever it is Moat Monsters do when they do what they do… The racers carefully pedaled their way atop the back of Pookies Primary tail (or whatever that thing is. It could be a tentacle or just a really large and gnarly wart hair) and made their way gingerly (but quickly) between the triple rows of spikes, spines, claws and whatever else that line all five sides of the tail thingie, to the point where it joins up with the rest of Pookies body.. A thick white line had been painted (by a very nervous maintenance crew) and that marked the finish line… The first racer to cross the line was Bob B. Bobson of Team Biscuits and Gravy – but as Pookie managed to reach out in his(?) sleep and snatch up the unfortunate “winner” he was disqualified (as well as disappeared)… The actual winner (pending the usual litigation, counting of bribes and our own personal favorites) was deemed to be Clyde M’Boto of Team Leopard Pants – so congrats to you Clyde! And congrats to all the other survivors… er… participants of the inaugural running of the “Welcome Back You Old Fossil” Tricycle Race! 

Immediately following the race the Polka Fest kicked off, but as it is still on-going, I will report on that in a few days (if I make bail)…

Everyone should start preparing for next years event which will be called the “What? Are you still here?” Tricycle Race and Pogo-Stick Polka Party, with yours truly being the Honored Individual… See Y’all There!

 

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third_eye

Posted

Clyde should have been disqualified for changing his spots on his leopard pants... 

~

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A good point third_eye... The UM Litigation Tricksters Guild will bring that up at Clyde's hearing this afternoon (Anyone who actually wins one of these events is automatically assumed to have cheated... Thus there is always a criminal trial to make certain that they cheated legally).

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spud the mackem

Posted

Uuuurgh I missed the damn race as I was tied up by the Webs sticky strands on the U.M. internet , as Chief tormentor of the Old Fossils Club , I need to know if they finished the race without cheating ,just once.

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We have a proud tradition here at the UM Racing Commission... If they aren't cheating, we get suspicious and have to investigate to see what they are REALLY up to.!

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I don't care what they're up to, I'm worried about what they're down with... 

I hope I don't get disqualified for saying this... 

~

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7 hours ago, third_eye said:

I don't care what they're up to, I'm worried about what they're down with... 

I hope I don't get disqualified for saying this... 

~

Something contagious no doubt...

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1 minute ago, Taun said:

Something contagious no doubt...

I knew there was something funny about those spots on Clyde's leopard pants changing all the time... 

~

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1 hour ago, third_eye said:

I knew there was something funny about those spots on Clyde's leopard pants changing all the time... 

~

Technically, they don't change... they just crawl around...

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