"Welcome Back You Old Fossil" Tri-cycle Race
The route for the first annual “Welcome back You Old Fossil” Tri-cycle Race and Polka Fest will be held soon – the exact date and time shall be kept secret until it happens…While participation in this race is voluntary, as it is in honor of the return of our Most Benevolent, Wise and (slightly Weird) Mummy Overlord lack of participation will result in being made to dine in the UM cafeteria for every meal until the next race, plus at least 1 visit from me every week where I play my accordion for you and sing (I do not know how to play the accordion and my singing has been described as “delightful” by such famous persons as Torquemada, the Marquis de Sade and some really drunk dude who was passed out for most of it)…
The Event shall kick-off when the participants least expect it – most likely around 2 AM-ish (Pago-Pago Standard Daylight Savings Time) when most participants are either sleeping snuggly in their cells, oubliettes and cages – or hard at work at some nefarious (no doubt illegal) activity… The Grand Inquisitors highly trained staff of ruffians, thugs and used car salesmen will burst in on the participants – subdue them (but politely of course) and Shanghai them to the starting place – which will be the Central landing Stage deep in the heart of the Old Creepy Forest… There the blindfolded participants will be loaded up on board the awaiting World War I Surplus zeppelins of the Renegade Beer Balloon Fleet, wrapped up like mummies – in honor of our Grand Marshall - and duct taped to their racing tricycles then air lifted out over the vast expanses of the Northwestern Highway Pothole Storage Area (#17), where at an altitude of at least 10,000 feet (3,048 meters) their hoods and blindfolds will be removed and they will be dropped on the starting line… The parachutes they will be issued (for a slight additional fee of course) are set to open at around 1,000 (ish) feet, thereby allowing our racers to gently(ish) touch down and begin racing… The parachute packing team of the UM Pickle, Sardine, Parachute and Sausage Packers Guild assure us that most of the ‘chutes should open at some point, There will be no refunds for failures however)…
After alighting, the survivors racers will speed off directly Southward until they finally reach the Great Prickly Pear Cactus Forest where they will negotiate the labyrinthine trails marked off (or that should be marked off anyway) by our own rather prickly Grumpy Old Coot and Cootess Society – They have a notoriously bad sense of direction, and their memories are not that great either so racers might want to purchase maps of the cactus labyrinth while aboard the Zeppelins…
Those that manage to emerge from the Cactus Forest will find themselves confronting the Great Glass Barrier… The GGB was built several thousand years ago by the same crew that built the Great Wall of China… As they had only a cursory familiarity with UM’s Official language of Ancient Hittite they misinterpreted “I want it Classy” into “I want it Glassy” and so they built the entire 9,000 mile long 75 foot high wall out of pure glass…
At the foot of the wall the racers own pit crew teams will replace the front wheel of the tricycle with a rimless wheel that has all of the spokes tipped with large suction cups… after driving over a shallow pool of slimy water (wet suction cups get better traction) they will drive up the glass wall to the top of the wall and then down the other side where the original wheels will be placed back on…
After this it is a simple matter of racing straight through the Methane Marsh – home of UM’s world famous Mime School – and then back into the main UM complex where they will find the finish line painted at the base of a portion of Pookie the Moat Monster’s Primary tail (Pookie is hibernating right now – so it should be semi-safe-ish)… The racers must get on his (?) tail tip – race down the 500 meter length of it, cross the line then get off before he (?) awakes (be cautions as Pookie is ALWAYS snackish when he(?) awakes)…
The winner of the race is exempt for the next three races, Second place is exempt for the next two, third place from the next one and everyone else will be forced to dine in the UM cafeteria for the next 6 months…
Following the race, we will all adjourn to the Recently renovated Lunar Lounge and Dance Hall for our Polka Fest welcoming kmt_sesh back… Travel will be courtesy of the Alien Space Saucer Fleet and their commander Admiral Preet*Hwauk Buurrskftel (Jr.) – They promise no more faster than Time travel voyages this time as they can’t afford to pay any more crew members after the quadrupling of their fleet at our last outing with them…(See “Moon Dance Masquerade Party” posted earlier in my blog for all the details)….
Good luck to everyone!
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