I have seen Kira around, but, it was about two years ago or so when I walked out of a local nursing home and saw her sitting in her car, which happened to be parked next to mine, crying her eyes out. That her mother was kept there was generally known, and seeing how distraught Kira was, I assumed perhaps her mom had died. I tapped on her window and expressed my concern and asked her what was wrong, had her mom died or taken a bad turn?
It took some doing, but it was a measure of her despair that got this evasive and troubled girl to sit down with me at the local burger joint and talk. I could not walk away from pain like that, and triply so when I knew she had no decent people in her life given her known proclivities.
Fortunately, once she got to talking a little bit, it broke the ice and kept her talking about how hard it was for her to even be around her mother, who was extremely critical of everything about her, yet, she was the only relative left who would look after her. Turns out, the mother was pretty much hated by everyone in the family for her mean nature, rather like Kira was ignored for her being such a chronic problem child.
Say what you will about her, Kira had never done me any harm and I saw her efforts to stay by her mom because she felt it was the right thing to do as admirable and a large sign that all hope was not lost in this depressed girl. Sitting there so close, I could see a lot in her, sense a lot about her emotional state and where she was and why and for those who do not believe in spiritual gifts or anything of that sort, just say I had a hunch it was no mistake or coincidence that our paths had crossed. Kira was precisely the sort of person I was called to answer, so, we talked a long time and I shared a lot with her and in the end became her counsellor.
It is no help that I can see into a person I am working with through Spirit. The only help is if the client wakes up and begins to see into their own shadows. I asked leading questions to help her start looking into herself and it went fairly fast that she learned more introspection and would do it, given my lack of judgment with what she talked about when we met once a week at the burger joint. At first, she took strength in me caring, and being there at our weekly meeting, listening to the latest drama with her mother, mostly and a bit about what she was realizing about herself and why she was such a screw up.
This is really stage 1, when you assess yourself and come to the conclusions floating on top of the inner sewage which sort of rests real close to the consciousness. It is sort of like the saying that you cannot help an alcoholic until they know they are addicted and want help. She admitted she was a drug abuser and always seemed to run with men who were beaters. Keeping a job was beyond her for very long before another man came along and she ended up back using and hurting and sometimes in jail or on the streets.
I asked her why she wanted a life like that and she looked at me in confusion. Nobody could want a life like that, she told me. She just wanted to die, except for this pathetic hope that maybe her mom would need her, so she tried to hang on.
Do you really want to change this? Do you actually have the brass to face it and change your life? Nobody else can do it but you.
She said yes, she did.
Stage 2 is when she started to journal about the things inside her she found when she sat quietly and thought about the answers to why she felt this way or that. It took a month or two before she was interested in learning how to meditate and about the inner child within us and how we are always still that child no matter how old we get or how much we learn to think it is gone as we become adults. Kira was a great student and flat out blooming to have someone to listen to her and care once a week.
Over the months, she learned how to meditate well and we dredged through a great deal. Long and painfilled story short, it went back to her childhood and the never ending verbal abuse she'd received as the only daughter of her mother. No good, never going to amount to anything, no man would have her, she was a loser and waste and even should have been aborted were some of the things she wrote about in her journal for us to go over later together. Kira had been well programmed to be exactly what she was - a screw up and failure.
To her, pains of that sort were to be shrugged over and you just suck it up and go on. This is how most of us see old traumas. That is enough for some of us and we can still function well enough, but, for others, it doesn't work that well. It was revolutionary for Kira to hear me tell her that this was why she was such a screw up, not her own inability to succeed at anything. She had been grossly abused growing up. A child has no defense against such vile hatefulness, it sticks, it wounds deeply, it warps them into something they were never born to be. It took us a year to get to the point she was calmer and understood herself better than she ever had, and in understanding had managed to stay off the drugs during our year of meetings at the burger joint. In understanding what had been done to her through the years, she was pleased to be able now to tell her mother to not talk to her that way when her mom would get ugly to her. She had learned to stand up and tell her she would see her tomorrow and leave if the woman would not stop with the verbal venting at her. Kira understood now it was her own mother's damage from her own life that needed to project anger and frustration at someone else to avoid feeling it toward herself or her own situation. Small as it was, it was wonderful that Kira was learning how to take some control of her own worst nightmares. She shifted from taking the blame to realizing she was a victim and needed to stand up and get away from the victimization to the extent she wanted to be away from it. Being a good daughter no matter what her mom did mattered to her, so we went with that.
Stage 3, we started working on how to heal that mess and repair what could be repaired. It helped that she had gone to Sunday school some as a child and liked that Jesus guy. I was able to use him as a model of what a parent or elder brother should be like, what we all should aspire to be more like as we live our lives, and we used some of his basic teachings as our guide on how to fix what could be fixed. The critical points are forgiveness, love, and trust that help is there when we feel we cannot do it our self.
Had she been of another faith or none at all, I would adjust it to what suited the person. It is never about shifting someone to how I see the world, but helping them to clarify how THEY see the world. Most folks do not actually know as fast paced and constantly stimulated as our lives are in the modern world.
Love has no religion. Love heals people.
Kira was a sweet spirit under all that wreckage. Her compassion for the childhood and life that her mother had known to be so messed up as she was - it was humbling for me to see. Learning forgiveness and what it actually is came readily to her and she grasped real quick how to forgive and keep on every time the pain came up again when her mom said something else hateful. Visualizing herself as a child crying over another slap or hurtful word was a skill she mastered slowly and hugging that child in her mind's eye, explaining and assuring it that she loved her, it was going to be alright had amazing results for her. She has woken up to a healthy self love through it, and learned that she is actually pretty wonderful and no more imperfect than the rest of us after all.
See, here is the ticket. All that angst and anguish locked away in her sub-conscious mind and inner child was only going to be added to until she broke and either snapped or killed herself the way it was going. She was out of control for most of her life without a single tether of feeling cared about to grab for. But, through time and being taught about her inner guts and shown how to see and work with the bad things as she could handle them, face the pain, see it with adult eyes and the confidence of a friend to talk it over with once a week who thought she was wonderful and normal, the pressure let off. Those shadows lightened a bit at a time. The water started to clear some as it were. The more it did the faster she was able to process and begin to understand her own wounds and how to help them heal up and become wisdom and strength instead of crippling gangrenous wounds festering.
She is doing well, now, has kept her latest job for over a year and is seeing a fellow who is clean and a decent sort, too. The mother is still a pain but she doesn't cry over her anymore and has faced the truth that we cannot change other people, that is something only each of us can choose to do. Her mom is broken and will stay that way it seems at this point, but this does not mean Kira has to stay a prisoner to it. She is a great daughter, the best, and she is getting her life together and has hope. I believe she is going to keep on doing the work and if she does ever have a kid, she will be a very different mom than she had herself.
I shared this with her permission, and Kira is not her real name.
Shadow work is not fast and is not a gimmick. It demands profound love in the higher sense, compassion and absolute honesty with yourself. Seeking out a good counsellor or psychiatrist may help with it. Many people do not need that, however. They can learn the basics and start and find the way from there IF they really do stay honest, learn to see their faults clearly, and how to forgive themselves and others. You start with what you can handle, and do, you love as you can and you keep striving to do better and more and believe in your worth as every bit as valuable as everyone else in the world.
Yes, I know. Forgiveness seems wrong, it seems too much to ask, it seems unfair when Joe or Jane did such horrible things to you. Understand this: Forgiveness does not mean you accept what they did as ok. It does not condone. All it does is mean that YOU release it so it no longer chains you to the abuser emotionally. You release it. When I do this I literally think "Gah, that's back again, I release it. I forgive it, I want no part of it or any karma related to it or anything further to do with it." I have gone through this myself wholly. I have done the major work on myself, so I do not allow myself to dwell on past hurts. Soon as I realize what I am doing I banish it and forgive it again, release it again.
In closing of this section, I would add that healing is amazing, but, wounds that severe can leave scars. You do change from what you were before the trauma. That, however, is what makes rare people like Kira, and others, who freed themselves through knowing their own shadow self well and embracing it consciously. Scars are badges of honor for warriors like that.
I write to serve.