I randomly started crying when I got out of the shower today.
I was thinking about my past: childhood, teenager, young adult. And I just started crying. It wasn't a loud wail or breakdown just some tears starting to flow.
This doesn't happen often (at least I don't describe it as often). Maybe once, twice, or three times a year. I never though much about it being odd until now. Now I am like, wait does this happen to everyone? Is this normal?
I have Asperges. Got diagnosed young. Was in special education classes until middle school. There's alot of feelings around that I think.
The weird part is I don't feel sad. Like I would say I'm pretty content right now. But in these rare moments when I'm thinking about my past and start crying I never see it coming. I never realize I'm about to cry. And I almost even feel disassociated from the tears when I am crying. Like I'm not sad right now why am I crying ?
The ironic thing is I'm licensed to give therapy to people. If a client described randomly crying when thinking about their youth I would probably say they have some trauma there. But with myself I can't do it. I didn't even think there might be anything odd about it until now.
A theory I read before claimed that the brain can represses trauma for years until it feels safe enough to deal with it. As in, people can randomly start feeling the trauma a couple decades later once they are in a safe and stable environment, both emotional and physical. Then there brain is like okay, you're ready to deal with this now.
So yeah I cried today when I got out of the shower. And I'm just now starting to realize that that's maybe not normal.