I was feeling very unsettled, in a very bad mood
Entry posted by markdohle
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I was feeling very unsettled, in a very bad mood
One day I was in the retreat house doing dishes. This was 30 years ago. I was feeling very unsettled, in a very bad mood, and struggling not to take it out on anyone. As I was fuming, doing dishes, one of the young monks came up to me and said: “Brother Mark, why is it you are always so peaceful and centered?”
I was shocked that he would say something like that to me when in my interior it felt like I was in the midst of an internal earthquake. He smiled at me and then left. As I continued to do dishes, I thought to myself how is it he would see me as peaceful and centered when in fact the opposite was going on? I was not trying to be disingenuous; I was only seeking to not spread my mood out to others, or to punish because I was out of sorts. I never thought that would make me look like I was peaceful and centered.
Perhaps if we are aware of what we struggle with, we do not unconsciously show it to others, or take it out on them. I am not sure, but it was a valuable lesson for me. Self-knowledge frees the one who possesses it from becoming a ‘victim’. Moods can be detrimental to our relationships with others if we do repress them. By seeking to avoid our interiority, we color the world with its behind-the-scenes control….we can become puppets, being moved here and there by our inner chaos without even knowing it. It is a form of sleep, though in that sleep it can easily become a nightmare.
Humility can slowly free us from this cycle of moods swings and struggling with others in ways that are really frivolous and a waste of time. We can only deal with ourselves. This is a form of waking up from a deep slumber. When we don’t, it is everyone else who gets our undivided attention.
The real struggle
When I seek to love
and not to judge,
I learn that the problem with the world
is my often conflicted heart.-Br.MD
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