People are like flowers
Each of us has a unique personality, along with a past that we each have to interpret. The different perspectives we take will form us. For whatever reason, when I was very young I decided that I did not need anyone and that I could take care of myself. So on many levels, I withdrew into myself. It became my world. Even in the midst of an ever-growing family, I was the 3rd of 10 siblings, it had a tight hold on my interior life. Which was very powerful as it is for most children I believe. I guess that is one reason that I did not like being young. My memories of being in the crib were claustrophobic, all I wanted to do was to crawl over the rails and out! Being picked up, put down, etc., was something I hated. Don’t get me started on how awful apple juice tastes coming from a baby bottle!
Certain events happen, and when one is very young, how it is interpreted becomes absolute reality. I am not sure one who is two years old can think in terms of good or bad. I had the feeling that life was ‘this way', just get through it. As I got older this perspective had a stronghold on me, even though I could not find anyone to blame for my situation. True my parents did something that they had to do, and I experienced it as being ‘left behind. Knowing this did help later on as I aged to get along with my parents, but the effect lasted, and to some extent is still there.
I do believe from my own experience that our Spiritual journey starts when we have our first real shock. It throws us out of our own little Eden where we are the absolute center of the universe…..well I was two after all. So the fears that I have, and my anger in dealing with my fear, Which in reality, covers up, I believe, deep anxiety that there are only endings, and no beginnings. Now I do not believe that consciously, but over the years I guess it has been the goad that has kept me searching. So I guess I am in some sense, thankful.
When young I always had trouble connecting. Nothing would stick to me, and to be frank, it was the way that I wanted it to be. Then In High School, I believe that I started wondering about it.
Everyone, or just about everyone, had a very close friend, or more than one, and I did not even know what that meant, only that I never had it. Even then I understood that for my own ‘sanity’ I needed a relationship with ‘something’ that was not about endings, but about beginnings, without endings. My faith seemed to be that which I desired, a relationship with God. Which has been slow going, but as I age, and am now in old age, I can see some deep changes that have probably been going on my whole life. Perhaps as the day of my death nears, my vision is increasing.
No, I am not being dramatic about this, for this is the situation of all human beings. Heidegger coined the term “Beings-toward-death” to sum up what it means to be human. True I could live another 20 years, but I sincerely doubt it.
For me, this is not a depressing thought, but one that allows me to see the importance of today. As well as how I do actually need others in my life. So as I keep moving forward on the bullet train called my timeline, I find that my inner life is becoming deeper, and richer, even as my body is starting to, well, not only show its age, that is has been going on for a while, but to feel it. It is what we all go through, well most of us. There are a few who seemed to be spared and are healthy until the day they die. Even if they smoked, drank, and overate all the days of their lives. Yes, life is not fair.
I guess each year I find that I can have deeper connections with people. I did not plan it or come up with some sort of strategy to get from one place to another, it just sort of grew on its own. Watered by grace of course.
Inge, a therapist I went to for a few years, once told me that my faith is allowing the scattered parts of my inner world to come together. It gave me a place to stand from, which is in the arms of my Eternal Loving Father.
People are like flowers, you have to take the time to see them, and not to react. Each is beautiful in different ways, and that can take time to develop. I know that there are times when I meet people and they take a dislike to me. I can be a little brass in my humor, as well as opinions. Some never get used to it, others take the time to wait, and listen, and then they may start to like me. I have learned not to take my first reaction to people too seriously, but to wait, and usually, I am glad that I did.
So what am I saying…..well I don’t really know, sometimes I just ramble on, and on, and on, as I have been told many times about my writing? Well you know, so what!
God is good, and grace is always present in all of our lives, so as age catches up to us all, hopefully, we can learn to truly love our lives more, without being overly concerned with how long we have left. There are young people in the world at this time, who are happy, healthy, who will die before me. No one knows when their time will come, so each day for me is a lifetime, and I die when I go to bed, and when I wake up, I am born into a new life, a new beginning. A good metaphor for God’s mercy I believe. An Infinite Number of new beginnings.-Br.MD
Edited by markdohle