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Ask Falco the Third

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Long ago in a galaxy far, far away there was a blog column called Ask Falco..

For many months now, my font of amazing wisdom has lain dormant..

Until now...

Now friends and neighbors and also people I hate, I return to dispense knowledge and aforethought; if that is indeed a real sentence..

Perhaps it is, maybe it isn't...You'll never know..

Why?

Because you aren't half the sage I am..

And here I'm going to prove it..

Many of you newer members never got to ask me your pressing questions about life and love. So here's your chance to ask me anything...

And remember; there's no such thing as a stupid question; but that doesn't mean I can't provide stupid answers..

I apologize for that earlier arrogance, I'm really eager to help, so ask away, dummies!

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Which is better to have:

A - A really, really hot woman in a monogamus relationship without sex.

B - a relly really ugly woman who is a non-stop love machine.

OR

C - A lifetime supply of Duff Beer?

I really need an answer fast, cause its getting close to closing time and 'Last Call"

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Exactly, HOW much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck, wood?

And, is that a Union woodchuck, or non-union?

innocent.gif

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B- A really really ugly woman who is a non-stop love machine.

This one should be self evident. She'll probably buy you beer too, just for looking past the skin! original.gif

Whos' on first?

Me. I don't do sloppy seconds, thanks..

What color are my undies?

What? All of them as a group? Or the ones you aren't wearing but are trying to trick me into thinking you are?

Falco sees all.....Hsssss...

Exactly, HOW much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck, wood?

And, is that a Union woodchuck, or non-union?

Firstly, Union Woodchucks refuse to chuck wood until thier dental plan is approved. This has been ongoing since 1987..Someday maybe they'll realize that woodchucks don't in fact have a Union, but since they've spent 18 years trying to find thier shop-steward so far; don't hold your breath..

Non-Union woodchucks also refuse to chuck wood as they take offense to thier non PC species name..They find it degrading and are currently lobbying to be called "Lumber-Hurling Mammalian Americans"..

So the answer is 42...

What currently impacts the rising cost of bouncing eggs?

A vicious smear campaign by the Mexican Jumping Bean Association, it also ties into the Illuminati and NWO, but I've said too much about that already.. ph34r.gif

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Nope..In a stunning last minute reversal Black was voted the new Black. Green is now the old Orange..

I hear it intends to appeal the decision to the Supreme Court.

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Daughter of the Nine Moons

Posted

Is there a really a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? And if so how do I get it a way from that mischevious little leprachon?

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Is it true that the best way to a man's heart isn't through his stomach, but through his chest...with an axe? dontgetit.gif

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Is there a really a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? And if so how do I get it a way from that mischevious little leprachon?

Unfortunately a rainbow is just a trick of the light, and so is that gold at the end of it..The Leprechaun however, is real..And he's very bitter about trying to guard imaginary gold for a hundred years..Whatever you do, don't take him drinking unless you want to hear a lot of p***ing and moaning about how he missed out on the sexual revelution because he was stuck there; and how big of a jerk his boss is for making him work all that overtime..

Is it true that the best way to a man's heart isn't through his stomach, but through his chest...with an axe? dontgetit.gif

The best way to a man's heart is located about a foot and a half below his chest, and if you use an axe in that area you definitely won't find true love..And what do you have against men, anyway? Some of us think you're pretty swell..

Working in a highclass salon is it still okay to wear my nails black or deep red????

It depends what your definition of "High Class" is..If you work at the one in the strip mall across from Wal-Mart then that's probably way too classy a look..If you work at "Jonathan" you'll be viewed as charmingly down-to-earth..And if you'll use them to scratch this damn itch in the middle of my back, then the answer is definitely yes! grin2.gif

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The best way to a man's heart is located about a foot and a half below his chest, and if you use an axe in that area you definitely won't find true love..And what do you have against men, anyway? Some of us think you're pretty swell..

I have nothing against men in general....just one in particular....and you needn't worry yourself about it.... devil.gif You're safe... grin2.gif

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Being Mr. Answer-Type Person, I knew that already..I just wanted to hear you say it..

*untenses* tongue.gif

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Shhh! Secret!

That was my mushroom gravy from a month ago. It's since evolved; and now enjoys playing with the cat; watching reality TV(It hasn't evolved that much) and long walks on the beach..

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Undefined_innocence

Posted

The itch in the middle of your back isnt a problem ~grin~ Im just giving myself a hard time about the dress code at work .ALL black and white. they'd freak if i had black polish.

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Dear Falco,

Regarding the undies question, you were right *sigh* I was trying to trick you. My question is, why are you standing outside my window, watching me?

Love,

Pandy

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Pandy- Sorry; but I'm broke and there's not much else to do around here with no money..

If it makes you feel better, I had to fight off six other guys and two girls to get this spot.. tongue.gif

Snuffy- Probably not; you've been, what they refer to in drug circles as "Tabbed"..You should be fine in 17 hours or so, but in the meantime try not to listen to the elf when he tells you to punch that Hell's Angel..That could lead to serious maiming.

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The real answer is that it stimulates your tear ducts, which in turn tickle your sinus glands causing you to sneeze; or something like that..I'm not a doctor.

The Falco answer however, runs something like this..

Bright sunlight warms up the microchip surgically implanted in your nose by Aliens during your last abduction. On the bright side, every time you sneeze it completely messes up the data they're beaming into your brain..

I recommend going after that sucker with some pliers and an icepick at your earliest convenience. I know that sounds painful, but what price isn't worth paying to be free of the alien menace? alien.gif

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If there is such a thing as a question without an answer, there would by polarity have to be an answer without a question. However in asking you for that answer, it would then have a question and nullify the rule... so on that basis..... What is the color of up?

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