I have been asked to give a talk on Anger, Resentment, and Forgiveness; a subject I feel I know a lot about, since anger is an issue that I have been dealing with all my life. I am not an intellectual, so my talks tend to be more autobiographical than anything else, and sometimes it gives me pause when I think about it.
One of the reasons I like blogging is that I have an avenue that I can simply state what I feel I need to state, and then send it to be read by people who really don’t know me, and don’t see me. When giving a talk it is an intimate sort of thing for me since I am face to face with a room full of people, who if they don’t know much about me before the talk, certainly will by the time it is over.
I don’t know why I can’t just get up there and talk in the abstract but I can’t. One reason is that for some reason the differences between abstract and the practical tend to blur for me. When studying for instance something abstract, I tend to think of it on a practical level and how I can use it in my own life. So in my talk’s people get both, which I am not sure is always what people want when attending a talk. I keep getting asked to come back, so enough must like it to want more from me.
When I was younger I would never admit to having anything wrong with me, I had to be perfect, in control, fit body, lots of muscle, last word in every conversation etc. I must have been a real bore to people. As I got older I began to see how foolish that was and began to let others know that I have problems, lots of them, and I found it a relief to be able to state that. I know I told others nothing new, but for me to say it was like letting go of a heavy weight that I was carrying around.
So yes I get angry easily, seemed to have a lot of it; its roots go way back into my past, and have visited that past to get some understanding of this particular issue. At times it seems that I have this excess energy that wants to be released, and is on the look out for something for me to blast. What probably saved me from a lot more pain, and frustration, in my life is that I chose the road of suppression, rather than repression, or simply expressing it to whomever was in front of me. The shot gun approach to anger never seems to work; at least I have never seen it work for some of my friends. It seems to just make communication harder, and the isolation deeper; something I want to avoid.
Others are not responsible for this excess anger that I carry around, and as I get older it seems to lessen, but I feel it is a burden I will always carry with me. Most of my friends don’t know this about me. I guess it is because I am conscious of it, and there is no unconscious leaking. What leaks is my more tender side, I am not in touch with it on an emotional level, but others seem to pick that up from me.
Oh well better get my talk ready.