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Hi, took/taking UM break felt one was needed.
We’re well here, Luca Rose is now 3months/12 weeks old, showing her own personality, getting big, so beautiful, cuddly, smiley and giggly.
Currently teething (since 10 weeks) which is not fun, but helping ease the pain.
The past 3 months flew by.
Her daddy and I have not set a wedding date.
in fact we’ve decided not to have an actual wedding and instead we will have courthouse/registeristy office ceremony and nice dinner for close family and friends to celebrate.
The money is better off going to things like house deposit and children’s education etc.
Drama with oldest sister is resolved she’s met Luca Rose and now admits she over reacted, we’ve moved on from it.
She and other family adore Luca Rose.
Drama with friend is eased but friendship is still strained, but oh well.
Van and I will continue doing what’s best for us and our daughter, no regrets that we didn’t allow visitors to hospital or home that first week.
One of my brothers (both are 48, I’m 31) has in his words “abandoned” me, because we would not post or send photos to him on social media and he not once tried visiting.
He inboxed me and was so rude including saying to me goodbye and so much for family over a photo saying my baby my rules and then removed me as a friend.
He inboxed dad and deleted before he could read it saying: Tell that dumb A** B***H Casey the family is abandoning her.
By the family he meant only himself, our other brother and sisters etc were not happy him pulling that and especially when I have a newborn.
That all happened when dad put up a status (rarely does, he n Van had to after mine fell on deaf ears) about respecting Van and my wishes of no social media photos of baby.
Van politely commented on it, then brother deleted the comment and inboxed dad.
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The Werewolf Zodiac
By Deanna Jaxine Stinson, Cryptozoologist
Halo Paranormal Investigations
Sacramento Paranormal Help
Sacramento Paranormal Haunted Hotline: 916 203 7503
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This zodiac happens to be written for mortals like you and I and our immortal souls. There have been variations made for animals and pets, but none so intricate to help the legends of forever in their paths. Imagine living not just one lifetime as a specific zodiac sign, but an altered timespan as one who really has the space to develop.
A sign that still has a lot of learning to do is known as an undeveloped sign, when one is developed they are said to act and think much differently. So, imagine a werewolf who could live a reasonable amount of time, plus the fact that some are immortal or may turn to vampires and we would get much different results.
Now, for this article, I have been researching astrology on and off for years of course and I have also psychically reached out for answers from the heavens. My hope is that anyone that has this gift of shape-shifting may be able to access the zodiac from their creature side and read from another perspective.
You will be able to excel and advance in your purpose than most will.
The Werewolf Zodiac
You are on the hunt for love. You will find that it will manifest itself for you over a long period of time. Your competitive nature will cause you to follow your dreams first. Aries werewolf is brave and adventurous. It will do Aries well to travel.
Aries transformation is very powerful and sudden. This may lead Aries to dramatic action. Trust in the universe and yourself because as the first sign of the zodiac, you are the leader of your destiny. Do not lose control.
Flesh blood is a source of energy for Aries werewolf. You will find it re-energizes and strengthens you. Aries is meant to find purpose in all they do. Trust your instincts.
Your quest is to build yourself an exceptional sanctuary, furnished with all the beautiful magical objects and enchanted items you may find in your pathway. Be wary of cursed items as your luck could manifest serious dark energies. You would do well to go outdoors often and even to fill your space with lush green plants for harmony and positivity.
Taurus may find their transformation very uncomfortable. This could cause the headstrong Taurus to overcompensate with other things that may provide home comforts, such as food, luxurious locations and overindulgence with the spirits.
For extra luck, light yourself some incense, particularly the green kinds such as sage, frankincense and earthy junipers. When your mind wanders into one direction, be sure to tap into the air element, in order to balance it. Try rituals of smoke, prayer and reading to release yourself.
The Gemini werewolf has a lot to accomplish. It may become obvious to others, your double life as a werewolf. Be sure to focus on balancing your energy, so that you can be in the present.
If you find yourself struggling with mood swings suddenly, especially during the full moon cycles, it would suit you best to spend time around water. Fresh running water can contribute to our peace and calm restless energy.
As a Gemini werewolf, you will find yourself the friend of many other magical creatures. Your charm, matched with your ambitions, will present universal challenges in the form of rewarding journeys. You will gain much from putting your pursuits aside to truly know yourself before anything else.
The cancer werewolf has an incredible heart. You will find that you are very affectionate to those you love. Your goal is to love others for who they are and not get to caught up in your feelings.
Due to the nature of an emotional transformation in the cancer werewolf, you will find yourself attracted to those who are like you and can see your true nature. Do not be afraid to express yourself, but don’t do so selfishly- remember we all love differently.
The cancer werewolf craves a solid foundation with which to stand. They will be highly adaptive to the majesty of the full moon. They will be very in tune to the changes in the cycling of her nature and may seem to move forward with the spirit of this power.
Leos love to feel connected. They need to be accepted to feel their best. Leo werewolves will find that if they do not accept who they are and have become, they will struggle deeply.
Leo will make a great storyteller in many forms.
It would be wise for the Leo werewolf to take note of the times and movement of celestial bodies around them in order to know when is best to take the lead of powerful energies around them.
The goal of the Leo werewolf is to spend enough time with their self to understand this deep need for notoriety. This is very important, as you do want to keep time for yourself in order to recharge and glow the brightest you can, even in darkness.
Virgo werewolf will find their quest in life is to strengthen their selves in werewolf form. At first, Virgo may find it hard to change from mortal to wolf, however, over the span of your lifetime, if you are dedicated enough to your adaptability, you can become very powerful.
Virgo werewolf’s best advice is to take things slowly. Take into account the timing of your endeavors, much like the planting of seeds into the Earth. Sow them in the right season and weather. Your destiny is to come into sync with the cycles of Earth and eventually help others around you to move forward wisely as well.
Virgo can be very shy and hesitant at first, but once you find your faith, you will grow into a magnificent being. Remember that even in your seemingly imperfect state, you are complete.
Libra will find that they love being a werewolf. The Libra werewolf can find beauty in everything, even the pain of transformation. The power of Libra is in self-love.
The Libra werewolf should, in most cases, have a harmonious transformation. This will better build the spiritual foundations of truth and honesty in the mystical lessons of life.
The Libra werewolf is the warrior of righting wrongs. This could be damage done in the past, present or even what you build to ensure a peaceful future for all.
The Scorpio werewolf is an intense energy. Scorpio will find their selves getting lost in issues pertaining to territory, possessiveness and passion. However, this can be used to advantage as well.
When transforming, surround yourself in a cleansing charge of watery power. If possible, go to a place where the water rushes and changes dramatically in order to recharge.
The path of the Scorpio is one of passion, but not just an impulsive charge. It is rethought action. The strength of Scorpio is forgiveness, of all and oneself.
The power of the Sagittarius werewolf is luck. You will find that preparing yourself, taking chances and practicing your skill often will lead you to success in your mystical endeavors.
The Sagittarius werewolf is a dreamer. They will reach for the stars and surpass that, if they try. The Sagittarius werewolf has a great power over candle light and spell work. Sometimes hit or miss, but once the luck sets in, miracles will happen.
The Sagittarius werewolf must learn about intention and action. They have a tendency towards boredom and may find themselves making more challenges than needed if they do not schedule plenty of play time to counteract the serious dream nature they have.
The Capricorn werewolf is the athletic competitor. There bodies will transform very easily and with great agility, they will surpass all physical expectations. They are very in tune with the physical nature of things.
The Capricorn werewolf has a lot of ambitions in life. Be sure not to wear yourself out by focusing on human projects and werewolf projects all at once. Take things day by day, expecting the occasional achievement.
Capricorn can become very obsessed with money, so they may find themselves neglecting their primal side. Make sure to balance conformity with your wildness and don’t get to caught up in appearances.
The Aquarius werewolf is the spiritually intelligent being of both worlds. Seeming to flow easily from one side of their self to the next, they will have a lot of grace in everything they choose to do.
As an Aquarius, you will find it best to respect your needs as much as everyone else’s. Spend extra time with yourself to understand your dual natures.
The Aquarius has an unlimited supply of ideas and inspiration, the trick will be to get the ball rolling. Your ability is your intuition, which helps you to understand other people and help guide them.
The Pisces werewolf will experience a lot of different emotions in life. It is important to remind yourself that you are the magician of your destiny, although you could get hurt so easily, you have more sides to show.
You keep things in balance with your fantasies and realities. Oftentimes, creating such realism in the spirit, that you can bring it into life.
Because of your sensitivity, your luck in life will be to develop your compassion for others. So much will be going on in your heart, that it is a must to heal yourself and others with developed psychic gifts.
The Werewolf Zodiac
Written in this article of words, is the most obvious traits of each sign. However, because this is sun sign astrology, you will find this better pertains to your human nature side transitioning into another cycle.
The next process is to learn about your moon side, which is the part of you which will help guide your subconscious energy. These horoscopes are meant for understanding of the conscious side of things.
Remember to know yourself is to understand your intentions and reactions more closely. This energy speaks to your shadow self as well, however you must understand your sun and moon are usually different.
You can take the same energy form and analyze it across certain houses, planets and positions and it will generally be the same minus certain alpha factors of each station.
By us, let us transform from the sun into the moon and into a new born soul, with the deepest understandings and empathy possible for ourselves and others. In this way we learn our divinities and how they correlate to our destiny, life and love.
May luck be with you.
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Do we choose to trust in God?
“Jesus: ‘My child, life on earth is a struggle indeed; a great struggle for my kingdom. But fear not, because you are not alone. I am always supporting you, so lean on Me as you struggle, fearing nothing. Take the vessel of trust and draw from the fountain of life – for yourself, but also for other souls, especially such as are distrustful of My goodness.’” (No. 1488)
(From Sr. Faustina’s dairy).
Scott Peck’s book “The Road Less Traveled” started off with this quote: “Life is hard”. We all know it, no one is spared. When we try to escape from the sufferings that in reality are forced upon us, we try to find an escape. Yet, the twist and turns of life that attempt to outrun suffering, only make things worse, in the end.
Each faith path has an answer in how to live through the ‘outrageous fortunes’ that befall us all. Christians are part of the Body of Christ, in that we are a priestly people, and our sufferings are the continue sufferings of Christ Jesus, for he is one with us. It is hard to believe in God’s goodness and love when in the midst of suffering, or when we see, or read, about tragedies that others go through.
We can choose to trust in God, and in that, we find meaning in life and find ourselves growing in love and compassion for others. Are we can become bitter, lose our faith, and deal with life from that perspective.
Faith is a gift, but it has to be fed, by study, reading of the Scriptures, and in the act of making acts of trust in God when everything points in the other direction. All throughout history, we have great saints from all traditions who have chosen to grow in faith, and not to fall into despair.
There is no arguing about this, for once we choose from our deep self, our perspective is what leads us, and interpret reality for us. So I respect all no matter what they come to believe. However, since I am a man of faith, believing that God loves all, and wills their salvation, I pray for all as well. We are a priestly people and in that we join with Christ Jesus in living out the Fathers will, praying for the salvation of all.—Br.MD
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Thanks to everyone for stopping by and dropping some comments.
To continue in from my previous entry.
This time was tough for me and quite scary. You tend to become comfortable with these thing and even though you know that it is hurting you it is less scary then jumping in to the un-known.
Taking this leap put me in direct conflict with my Dad and my Sister. My Dad was also my Boss of 24 years. He and my Sister did not like the New me as I had gone from the Son who never complained and existed only to make others happy to The Son who was now more assertive and wanted more for my own life. This was all blended together with a very soon to be marital problem. This one is the one that hit me the hardest. It also made me a lot stronger.
For a few years my wife had been getting more and more distant. I felt very much alone and almost like my only role was to bring home the money. We didn't talk or spend time together and any intimacy was all but gone. I decided I had to confront her. I hate confrontation but I needed to do this. Over the next month I tried getting answers only to be shut down. One night I returned home from work and was greeted with " I don't love you anymore and I want you to leave!" There was no explanation and I was gutted. I couldn't speak. All I could do was leave. We had been married for 11 years at this point. We had 3 children with the oldest being 10. I had only one place to go and it was to my parents. I stayed there for the next 3 months seeing my kids on weekends and continuing to work nights with no real contact with my wife.
I had nobody I could talk to and every day I buried it deeper and deeper. Until a friend of ours reached out to me. It was confusing at first though I decided to meet up with her and talk. My God I needed to talk. The next few weeks we grew closer to each other. She was my comfort and her affection made me feel like I still meant something to someone. I never overstepped the line however and for this I am grateful. A few more months disappeared and one afternoon I went to pick up my kids and finally my wife wanted to talk. I needed to hear this no matter what the outcome was and we sat down to talk. What was to come out made me very angry. I can't explain how it felt properly, but I didn't like what i was feeling inside. It was something that I had rarely felt before. Without me knowing, my marriage had been getting undermined for years until she had become so confused and frustrated whilst I was putting pressure on at the same time and she did something that is so common in these situations. She decided that the only way was to clear everything. Unfortunately this also meant me. After many days of this we got through it. We survived this attack. Her Father, who didn't like me from the word go as I was a piece of **** southsider was in her ear telling her I was worthless and that she should leave and take the kids to go live with him and her step mother. this had been happening for years and with my questioning her it was the straw that broke the camels back.
I had made it through this ring of fire and our relation ship was back on track with marriage intact. It was now time for my to work on myself, to find out who I was and what I wanted.
It has been a bit over a year since my first post on Kundalini and my personal experience with it when it came in spontaneously and unexpected. A few here are interested and have asked me to keep posting now and then about it, so here is the One Year On post for you
It was said recently on the forum I read at to learn more about it that Kundalini is not the Life Force, but the Evolution Force. The more I ponder that idea, the more it fits, actually, as an answer to what it really is. Descriptions of it are many and varied, but, what it does, the result, would have to be transformative, evolutionary - it is a force for change.
For some, that change is disruptive, painful, even disastrous. For others, it is healing and a generator for needed change and fresh insights. Never is it inactive if the activation is genuine.
Recently, I read about a person claiming they got their K active finally after a lot of effort and wanted help and explanations for all the spirits around and talking to her and causing issues. Others advised her to see what her doctor had to say about it and her reply was the standard "I am not crazy, these spirits are real." I stayed off the topic entirely, as I have learned a few things over the past year more deeply than ever. One is that people will not listen or change until they mature enough to recognize wisdom when it is offered, and when it comes to spiritual things, you also have to evolve enough to realize how very much of a scenario life actually is, the critical reality is elsewhere, and our personal ego and pride are baggage more than anything else.
Kundalini is similar to early shamanic breakage and illness, when you begin the process of either deliberately making small fractures in your matrix and perceptions of reality or suffer it happening to you. Compared to the average Joe out there, it actually is a form of mental illness and aberration for a while and some can work through it and others find it working through them and sometimes landing them in mental health units. In Shamanism, most do not get that level of breakage and typically do not land in that extreme of crisis. In Kundalini, many do, for a range of reasons, and for some it may take years to get back to a degree of normalcy. For a few, maybe next life they can get it further along in a better way. The difference is that Shamanism is a man made construct and tool for touching the Other Side and communicating on some level. Kundalini is not man made. It is primordial, divine and when it comes along it has goals and a nature of that kind, with an eternal point of view. You can negotiate to a degree, but, it will work to complete at any price. You asked, you gave permission, so it has a job to do and it will do that, period.
"But, NAR, you said this surprised you, you never asked for it, in the beginning. You said you had no idea what it even was."
Yes, and I believed that and have had to go a long way into it to begin to understand better the sheer length of time this can entail, the majesty of eternity and being eternal beings (as we all are) experiencing temporary incarnations. The ease I have had with it, compared to many who have needed mental health crisis intervention, or at least have suffered extreme kryas and other issues, infers that I have had experience with it before. If that is true, then I asked for it at some point. Kundalini does not just jump an innocent person going about their business and not wanting it, nor ever asking for it. Given that I am not some powerhouse guru of K, I was probably minor before when I did it and am happily minor now. I feel no desire to ever BE a guru of it, I only want to be the best person I can be in this life, cover all the lost ground I can, and finish well. My life purpose is to help others, encourage them and heal a few as I am healed back by a few and their compassion when I hurt. I write to share basics so others may not have to stumble around as many years as I did back in the earlier days of the occultic explosion of the 60's and 70's. There is so much sheer bull crap out there that maybe someone will read something I say and skip a few piles of it as they choose.
Another reason I have had so few issues with it is that I did not force it. I did shamanism the long way, I did not use drugs to break myself. I did not do that for K either. I meditated, yes, and have for decades, but, that is no crime nor is it a red flag to call for K to come and jump you. I have done aggressive shadow work on myself for a long time, over twenty years of it, and this is the biggest help right there. If you take out your own trash, then K has less to rip out and leave you hanging and feeling like a gutted fish being beaten by all that inner darkness let loose abruptly.
I get asked by many very solid and sincere people how they can work toward an awakening of their own Kundalini. I very much suggest they work hard on their shadow self and get conversant with Jung's work in this arena. There is a lot of information out there now, in books and online. The more you learn your inner demons and release and integrate those forces the stronger you will become and more in control of your self and your own thoughts and mind. Meditation is also excellent for similar reasons. You simply must get those mind monkeys on leash and work toward living in the NOW, at least for periods of time. From what I have observed and learned, the more you do this the more you will begin to experience flashes of K as it starts to respond in a healthier way to your intention and efforts. As it does, learn how to ground it and keep it at stages you can handle and observe and grow with.
We HAVE everything we need within us to excel already. We just do not listen to it. Every time I see a post from someone asking about their own "abilities" I know they are not nearly what they suppose yet, and aren't able to hear their own "people". As long as you are seeking something out here, you aren't going to find much but others who also don't know. It is all inside. Nothing so critical as awakening was left to chance. You come with it, in case you opt in this lifetime to work with that potential everyone has.
If there remains more interest, I may talk about some things I have gone through, but, really. I began this series a year ago just to offer a different voice, apart from those posting in crisis and feeding into the nuts claiming it is demonic possession and the anti-Christ even.
I write to serve.
All life is sacred, or no life is sacred. It is only the human race that discusses the rights and the wrongs, the good and the bad, the moral and the immoral - the just an the unjust.
It is the history of humankind that has tried to make things black and white, trying to conjure up order out of chaos, trying to invent rules where there aren't any.
The dynamic balance of nature is something that we are all subjugated to, no matter how much the environmentalists are so "worried about the planet". If there is anything where the concern really is - it is for the future of the "human race", not the planet.
Nature has this wonderful way of balancing itself out - something dies in order for something else to live, something gains advantage over another thing - but all of this is not permanent - what is up will be down and what is down will be up.
Humans have choices that most other animals don't - and like any other thing - when given a choice - things can go either way.
Give a man a hammer - and he will build a house. Give another man a hammer - and he'll smack the first one over the head with it.
Don't give a man a hammer at all? Yes, that's an option too. However, who has the authority, and I mean - really has authority to bestow or withhold man's freedoms to him or from him, respectively?
It is not man that has that authority.
There is one "intermediate agent of balance" that equalizes all - and that is nature.
However, it is only man that has the audacity and arrogance to raise himself above nature and think that he can do better, that there is a degree of authority over nature that he has that is higher than that of any other species. But still, in this capacity also - he is natural.
All that man has - is more options - but in the whole of nature he is of no more worth than the single bacterium on a speck of dust.
It was a beautiful day for our summer fete. There was no other way to describe it other than 'heavenly'. All of the tents and the various stalls just shone beneath the high June sun. I remember, the sight of amassed jars of home-made jam drew you in, even if you didn't particularly like jam.
And so I simply drifted among the funny scarecrows, the face-painted childeren, the toffee-apple chewing farmer's daughters. Sandals, beige shorts, neck-tied jumper and panama hat: the most comfortable combination of clothes I'd ever worn. For the longest time, I spoke with the guest of honour, TV science legend Johnny Ball. His daughter Zoe was unable to attend and -- though he could never have openly admitted it, least of all to himself -- you could tell he felt liberated. Having already opened the fete, he had no particular duties other than to fire off some high-altitude rockets which had been made by local school children. Plus, of course, his most important duty of all -- to thoroughly enjoy himself drinking our sublime Somerset cider, and all this to the Vicar regaling us all with Rogers and Hammerstein on the Mayor's piano, which had been carefully manoevred out onto the village green.
The most important part of the day --it's a cliche of summer fetes, but let's not pretend it's not true!-- was the judging of the prize marrows. Perhaps it's not surprising that a row had broken out. Both of the judges were feudal land owners, but one argued that the size of a marrow must always be aspirational in nature, the other maintained that one should be happy simply with the ability to grow marrows in the first place.
Everyone laughed at this good-natured rivalry.
Everyone laughed except the local geography teacher. He looked increasingly haunted, eyes dark and mesmerised in a way no one could quite explain. What's more, he was muttering under his breath. Things like, _'I am a geography teacher and I work bloody hard. People should listen to me'._
Finally, his apparent nervous breakdown culminated in an act of unspeakable horror.
He marched to the nearby field where the school children had arrayed their high-altitude rockets on their tiny launchpads. He laid his head across the biggest projectile and, pulling the trigger, shouted, "I AM THE MIDDLE WAY!"
His head exploded instantly. The resulting wave of blood had a strange colour and consistency, though. It was like custard, but a very unappetizing custard, off-yellow like something sick and radioactive. And as his soul screamed from his body, it looked like a strange, abstract crow, made up of just nine black pieces. The creature swooped low above our heads, traumatising the elderly, knocking off the Mayor's wife's fascinater. A farmer tried to bring it down with his shotgun, but the demonic creature simply glided away through the suddenly dark atmosphere, worryingly bound for of London.
It was a day no one from our small village will ever forget, least of all the nine year old boy whose rocket had been used to unleash the creature that would one day destroy England forever. And who would get a first prize ribbon from Johnny Ball.
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This entry is going to be a bit long, but there is some good stuff.
A lot of life changes have been going on for me lately. Honestly I haven’t been feeling very well psychologically for a lot of reasons, and I can feel the depression dog after me. We all go through this at different times in our lives I guess. I have counseled and stood by 100s of People as they face these things in their lives, so now I guess it’s my turn. For me however, I suppose it’s because I have always been the leader, the martial arts master, the one to try and aid others that I find myself quite alone in this journey. Is that the way everyone feels?
There simply isn’t anyone that fits the roll of someone I would confide in. I’ll spare you the list of relationships that should be that for me and why they won’t work. The position I have had in people’s lives has been an honor, but it has left me isolated and really not knowing how to make new close relationships where I receive attention in the relationship instead of me always giving it. The people that I am closest to are all old long time students of mine, but as you might guess, it is not really an equal caring position even though I know they would do anything for me. I have leaned on one person a little more than I’m comfortable with, but his person is young, so there are still necessary boundaries. I do get a lot of joy from being close with my children, and there is certainly healing there, but my oldest is only 13. Obviously the same kind of situation.
So, of course as a lot of people do I guess, I turn to my spiritual practice. My relationship with the other world is intense as you may know if you follow my blog. It is rarely comforting, but it is the work that reveals things to me and recenters this crazy mind of mine. So off I go on another vision quest, but I decide to make this one extra deep. Of course only a handful of people in my life know this about me, so I suppose that’s where this blog comes in. A therapeutic way of sharing my life with someone while maintaining anonymity.
I also have a friend struggling with some aggressive cancer. I mentioned her in a blog before and a journey I took related to her illness. I wanted to revisit that subject while deep in. In my fantasy life, some spirit would come to me and teach me a way to heal her. I haven’t revisited the black faced god in a long time, and all the guides and angels seem silent. Ultimately, and as you will read, even though intentions ( how crazy do I sound? You would have to read my earlier blogs and encounters I have had to understand) are one thing, what we really do in these situations, unless we are doctors or have some real control over the world, is really about us and not the other.
Down the rabbit hole I go. After a 16 hour drive to Colorado and a long hike deep into the wilderness, I find the place I have been drawn to looking over google earth and maps. It’s a deep wash full of large cliff alcoves. A small waterfall trickles into it from very high up. It’s much bigger than I thought from satellite photos. It’s in dinosaur national monument. It was called the center of everything by the natives that used to live there. It’s a special and powerful place for me.
After preparing my ritual, I enter into my mediations. I’m not going to get into detail here. Let’s just say that I have prepared this journey to be particularly powerful fasting for three days ahead of time and spending a whole month preparing myself psychologically. I have chosen one of the medium sized alcoves to be my space.
After a long long time, I can feel my state start to change. There is no real way to explain these changes, but as typical with this kind of quest, the unveiling is the first step. Sure enough as expected, all my inadequacies and ego are shown to me. All the things I have done that hurt others, and all the delusions I tell myself are revealed. It’s never a pleasurable experience. Human beings live under a veil. It’s necessary to protect our egos, but it’s pretty disturbing when you pull it off for a while. You never are what you really think you are both good and bad.
The healing of the unveiling is something that always sticks with you, but you have to be reminded from time time. It gives you a scary super power of sorts, and sometimes to my shame, I have weaponized it. When you can see the veil, you can bring it down in others. You can add to it, scar it, and unfortunately manipulate it. It’s a wonderful tool for teaching. Slowly brushing away delusions people have about themselves in a healing way or even adding to them in very careful ways is a wonderful teaching tool, but it can also be used to manipulate people to fit one’s own needs from them. I have taught children for years how to recognize these manipulations and thwart them.
I am no innocent either. I have caught myself weaponizing it. Especially on social media. It has terrible consequences. People react in extreme ways when you lay them naked to the world. It’s as if you just pulled off all their clothes in front of people. They will hate you for it. When I have released that dragon on another, even if one may think they deserve it, I never feel well after. In truth it adds to your own veil of power and control. Not healthy in any way. My unveiling showed me that my own ability to address another’s veil has been slipping into darkness. Along with a myriad of other things that I had to face, I wept.
I sat in that space for a while until I came to terms with it, then I put the veil back on with a clear plan. You can’t walk around naked all the time. My veil is just as important as everyone else’s.
Still deep in, I could feel myself sinking deeper. I wanted to go. That’s what I was there for, I surrendered to reach as deeply as I could.
Of course, altered states of consciousness are not unfamiliar to me. It’s been a lifelong practice. Where most people would be lost ( and I have been before), I can shift and navigate surprisingly better than I thought. When I hit the right spot, I do that thing. I can’t explain what the thing is, it’s like choosing a path in your mind, but it is not a visual experience. Yup I’m headed out of body, but this is not close to a hypnagogic state. I am under the influence of a different path to get there, and this changes everything.
A lot of times when I explain these events and states to people who have not actually experience them, It’s hard for them to grasp the full scope of the experiences. Altered state manifestations are not daydreams or visualizations. If we must put a scientific term to it, these are full blown hallucinations. That term is still not accurate. It implies something random and devoid of meaning. It’s not. They are very pointed and some aspects are universal to all humans.
The vibrations were there but now in full glory and intensity. They don’t happen powerfully for me anymore, but this time it may be the strongest I have ever felt them. I know not to fear them, so I brought them up with full glory. I was not laying down. I was fully sitting up, and this was not an exercise skirting the edges of sleep. My eyes snapped open and the powerful noises where in my ears. It’s like sitting at the base of the loudest waterfall. My entire visual field was vibrating with an intensity I have never seen. My entire universe was about to be ripped apart. Reality itself seemed to about to fall to pieces. Finally, it did. It was like everything shattered. I stood up and stepped away.
Let’s be clear. When I say I step away, I mean my spirit body. My body is still there on the rock floor. I was surprised actually because I expected to see myself laying down. Usually when I’m out of body, my body is fully incapacitated like I’m sleeping. This time I was sitting. Not in some perfect yoga posture though. I was hunched over to one side with my hands on the floor and my head dropped. I could tell because of some vague connection with my body that my yes were rolling back into my head. I remember thinking that I’m about as far from a disciplined shaman as there is. Then I wondered if anyone in the past were skilled enough to do this without looking like some tweeker folded over in the street.
I take a minute to walk over and have a better look at myself. My body responds by lifting its head to look back. I’m a little shocked by this. It’s eyes are completely white from being rolled back. It is drooling with its mouth slightly open. It is breathing heavy. It looks like a zombie. I suppose if the spirit really is out of it for the moment, that might be exactly what it is. I was glad to be in some remote alcove. If anyone saw me like this, I would be carted off to the ER. I also felt some fear rising up. Maybe I had gone to far. No no no no. I pull myself back from fear immediately through experience. Ss
I stare at myself for a long time. The feeling of the unveiling has left me. I suppose because it is left with my physical brain. Out of body, (OOB) everything is clear and crisp. I notice all my blemishes, the weight I have gained, and my hair is cut short but there is a hint of grey even in my tiny bit of facial hair. My Native American blood makes growing facial hair very difficult, but I can manage a little though it grows in splotches and different rates. It’s as if European and native blood are continuing their war on my face.
I’m not sure what to do OOB in that alcove, so I stare out over the landscape and notice it is getting dark. I start to wonder how long I have been there. Time has slipped away and has no meaning anymore. Almost as if on cue, I feel something behind me. I turn around, and it’s my friend. I’ll call her Ell. She is the one who has cancer.
I’m a bit taken back. I had hoped to address this, but I wasn’t expecting a full manifestation of her standing in front of me. What is really really really strange is that she is holding a pie. That’s right a full on pie. I’m not even going to attempt to interpret altered state symbolism here. I’m just recording what happened.
She is holding the pie out like offering it. I walk over and her eyes suggest I try it piece or take some. I reach down and peel part of the crust away. I became instantly aware of what is in the pie is not for eating. I start peeling the crust away to reveal some sort of grotesque face inside the pie. I’m starting to feel a little revolted, but I’m aware that this sort of ‘work’ can be difficult. When I have all the crust off, the face is something you might see out of a horror movie. I’m trying to hold it together, and be brave, so I reach down to touch it, and wickedly it comes alive and looks at me.
I can’t tell you the emotions that went through me. I honestly have never been more revolted at something in my life. The fear and compulsion to run was terrible. It was a full on panic attack of the worst kind. I turned way violently and stood at the edge of the alcove wanting to run. Keep in mind I’m still OOB. The rest of me is still hunched over on the floor like a zombie.
I’m looking up at the sky now at the edge of the alcove trying to get control over my emotions. I look up at the sky whisper to god the great spirit the universe… whatever. “What the **** was that?.... Really? Is that really ****ing necessary?” My fear is not going away. I can’t bare to turn around and face her and her pie again. I try to steady myself, but it’s not happening. Looking off into the now dark woods, I can see all the demons and monsters start to take form in the dark. They want to crawl out from under rocks and climb down from trees. They are just on the edge of reality wanting out to have a go at me. I know what is happening. I’m in control of my environment in this state, and my state of mind is sinking me fast. If there is such thing as hell, this is it, and I’m sinking into it. If I bolt or cower and run back to my body, who knows where it will lead me?
Phobos the god of fear and mara the demon of unskilled emotions has their claws in me. It’s so easy to succumb to panic. I have to refuse. I really don’t feel like going to hell this night. I think of how Christ faced the enemy in the desert, and how the Buddha grounded himself in the face of Mara. All who ventures here must face this. How will I do it. I turn to face my friend and her pie. She is still there looking concerned and the thing in her pie is still there watching me. I finally understand that it is her pie. It is her demon. She can’t share it with anyone, and all we can do is to marvel at her grace as she bears it and hope with all our being that she kills it. My veil drops again, and I realize that my noble self is a lie. I want her better, but I would not eat that thing and take it into my body to save her life. I’m selfish. I’m nowhere near the self sacrificing person I think I am. I could possibly muster the courage to eat that for one of my children and few other people, but no one else. My circle is not as wide as I thought it was, and it makes me hate myself at that moment. I deserve to go to hell.
I start taking steps backwards to join the demons. I’m crippled with fear, so I don’t even have the courage to walk facing forward. Then I let myself fall backwards into the underworld. I let them take me, and they did. My last thought before being ripped apart was wondering if I have really died and made some huge mistake. The veil still off, I even felt so much guilt for being so selfish to even be doing this. My children do not deserve to lose their father on some arkaic quest to feel better. Why don’t I just go to counseling and take some pills like everyone else. How ****ing dumb am I to put myself in a state of madness miles and miles from any kind of help? The self flagellation continues until my ego is gone.
Ego dissolution is a very very strange thing to experience. You still have memory otherwise it would be meaningless, but you are not there either. Your identity is stripped from you. You come back basically remembering what it is like to be nothing and sometimes everything at the same time. It’s not for the faint of heart and for a long time you can’t stop trying to process it.
When I came back I was simply laying on the ground. I was still OOB because I was laying next to myself. About 5ft away. That is a first. If I survived, I expected to be back in my body. It worried me a little bit. Maybe I didn’t survive. I notice my body is laying on its back, so I say out loud “Roll over dummy, you could aspirate.” The zombie obeyed my instructions and rolled over to be on its stomach. If it throws up, at least it won’t choke on it.
I feel better now. My ego is intact, the veil is back where it should be. My friend and her pie is gone. It’s getting really cold though. Still OOB, I yell out to the zombie “Hey. Do you think you can manage to get in your sleeping bag, it’s going to get really cold soon?” Glad it’s not dead, but also marveling that I’m giving myself instructions from a different local, the zombie does what it was instructed to do surprisingly with normal coordination levels and direct action. I thought it might slosh around like being drunk, but it seemed to be perfectly capable.
I don’t want to go back to the meat sack yet. I am to disturbed to face the hard ground and all of those physical pains. I look out at the sky again and wonder why any of this? How does one find themselves here? Of course I know how, but all seems so surreal. I start to slip backwards again. This time sinking through the rock. No no no no…. I don’t want to go back there. I appeal to god again. “Please. I have had enough.”
That’s when I felt her laying next to me. I don’t know who or what she is. A spirit, an angel, a psychological construct? A manifestation of my loneliness? She is kissing my cheek with feather kisses. She is whispering in my ear that I will be okay, and that she has me. Very maternal but also with the energy of a lover. I often wish she were real, but she has been with me for a long time. She helped me to overcome the sleep demon all those years ago and always shows up to comfort me when I have stepped over various edges. I wish she were real. I wish real women behaved this way. Is that selfish? Is it possible for two people to be each other’s angle? I am lucky, I guess. At least I have one even if it is simply psychosis. I’m not sure I believe it’s all in my head, but I don’t dismiss either or any possibility either. I look back up to the sky and this time I thank god. I am grateful for so many things. The me me me me me of the ego can be maddening too. Sometime it’s necessary to kill it I suppose.
I wake up in body feeling refreshed, alive, and with some plans. The one thing about a difficult night like that is that it makes you feel so alive and ready for anything. I am blessed. All the melancholy of life changes and challenges is unnecessary. The resistance can be faced, and the only thing really to do in life is to solve problems. I don’t recommend doing what I do alone. Shaman should be there to guide these types of things. It can be very dangerous alone. This isn’t my first rodeo. Take care. Thanks for listening.
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12,900 YEARS AGO......Takion; Your world is about to be destroyed from the one you once knew. But the knowledge of who and what you are will become more important to your Soulular treks than ever before. What you do now is the Crux of Being and Becoming. We come here to Learn and learning is known at your Instant of vast importance.
Jomon; What you are saying has deep meaning to a part of me, but I think of all those who could be potentially impacted by such a devastating event as my inner mentality has already imagined. I think of the little ones of innocence, the questioning of their Souls and the massive sorrow that will flourish throughout their realms if deprived of known surroundings. I must hasten to prepare and help them in their time of need. I must do all I can to make things as they always were and will be again. It is up to me to be their strength, so I must go. The weight of this presentation of events must be balanced and leveraged toward the comforting of those in need.
Takion; Blessed Soul, I Love the coherency of your mindset and deep concern that is expressed via your painful thoughts. It is a wonder to me the Love you put forth at the awakening of your deepest considerations, here. In another state of mind perhaps you will amplify upon the higher perspectives of all that is about to happen. It is your seed that must pass forth the knowledge and wisdom gained by this the ultimate Learning Test to Godly Consciousness. You must realize because of your ultimate mentality, others will benefit if you prepare for a higher state of understanding.
In the coming durations the Bolide or specifically a massive Comet Particle, that has loosened from the confines of my ancient world, now referred to as the Astroid Belt — once consolidated as my old home planet will aim at this your home world, composed of Ice and Stone and hugely programed by Fate Herself. Your world is more vile than you once knew. But the scary, criminal acts of most here on the planet have crushed the reason for a continuation of their evil acts of commonality. No one is safe unless they are as you and your brotherhood of Wisdom. I will tell you the REASON. It is the word, REASON. Tell your mind to dwell upon its complex aspect/s and prepare for Higher Consciousness.
Aligned all along the Great Ocean’s edge are the cities of mankind. It is where they all are settled enjoying the fruits of your research and that of your Brotherhood. They receive the grander of your works and bask and play in “frivolity” throughout their lives. They will not heed your warnings and will view your reports of danger flippantly with no concerns. Only the protectors will have an ear to your warnings. Some will organize and attempt to prepare while others will say nothing and drink to the Fates. Those who do not believe you are accustomed to the comfort of their abodes and will go about their daily routines as usual. Their minds never expanded to the knowledge of the true REASON of their own existences. Again, this is the CRUX of their efforts to smile throughout their durations which is a trick of human leveraging, the grimace in the face of Hell. It is representative of those who are slothful and lazy—full of their mother’s tendencies to take care of them constantly or not at all. Many are cosseted in their daily pursuits and expect something for no effort in return. They will not be capable of preparing for disaster. Again, we are sent into existence to LEARN and attain REASON.
The Bolide or Comet will begin to swell as it approaches into the influences of the Goge or the Sun as some call it. The rays of the giver or LIGHT, will cause chemical change in the configuration of the form. This will cause it to begin to fragment and become a gathering of elementals that will trail behind it in a contrail of disjointed pieces of the Bolide. It will leave a mark in the sky to all that will see. Some of the massive particles will go into orbit around the planet to gradually rain down on the world for a thousand orbits around the Sun. Survivors will be forced to seek substantial abodes in various terrains or underground caves to shield their families from the incoming particles. It will be such for thousands of years. Few will survive unless there are plans and outside helping services. Some of you and yours will become the Serving Agents to those survivors. Some of you will become the primary builders of new groupings of survivors into new cities of the future. You must make sure that those Service Oriented Entities will always be Teachers of Good. Good is the only end product of REASON. Therefore, Such Goodness must be LEVERAGED in total adherence to the primary REASON.
It appears you and yours have a vast new occupation due to this great Test for Humanity. You will become the builders of a new world. Now, I must impart the knowledge and wisdom of REASON to you before you go to your home base. Come with me into this great facility of Endeavor. This place has existed for many thousands of orbits of this planet. Its position here is ideal for the sustenance and survival of this civilization of man. I have sustained myself here for over 100,000 orbits due to the natural configuration of the landscape, its perfect height, mass and the natural flow of a potential hydra inundation or wind velocity which could impact this realm. I have done much research to ascertain its proper form and shape to survive the coming catastrophe. But here also is the outer shell of materials that conform to the body of a Human, engineered mathematically are each and every shape and form of the hardest stone to survive a certain degree of shattering due to the quaking of the planet. Fractally and geometrically are all the stones of this site where a few hundred humans could live and prepare for a new tomorrow. Thus we settle upon the first steps of REASON toward our preparation for such an eventual happening.
From the Moire Arena.
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I've been neglectful of this forum.
A lot of drama as if late. Tiresome. So I'm cocooning, so to speak.
Forums..... I know we aren't allowed to discuss other forums here, but this is not really that.
This is just abstract musings about my experiences out there in forum land.
I settled here, after a bad experience at another well established forum.
I liked it here, but friends I met here, moved on. I followed. We are still friends, and go to forums together. Even now, 8 years later.
We are closer than ever before as friends too. It makes my heart all warm and fuzzy to think about.
After here, there were a series of fun, albeit, weird forums, all of which closed.
I found some very cool people on these forums. Some I still know, some I do not.
That saddens me. I lost track of some very cool people, but what can you do.
I find the mood/personality, of each forum, are as different as people are from one another.
A lot of the same people, frequent all of these places, and yet, they all have very different energies.
From my first stint here, to now, I find this forum has mellowed.
Very laid back now. To me anyway. I like it.
I find it facinating that some people here, still have the same avatar that they did in 2011...
Between 1990 and 2003, my pet was a little bird, a cockatiel. His name was Luke. He was so tiny!
He enjoyed copying songs and words. He'd copy numerous songs, and he'd copy my mother when she said, "Mike?" He would say, "Hello," "Hey!" and "Pretty Boy." He also copied me coughing, sneezing, chewing gum, laughing, and more.
The odd thing is how could that little tiny brain of his be able to remember all those songs, noises, and words?
I'm going to say something about this stuff. I know where the false flag meme started because it started with me and a dream I had a few years back which I posted on a forum. Then someone took it to GLP and from there it morphed and morphed and became that terrible harassment with the Sandy Hook massacre.
It's disgusting on a couple of points here.
First, the sheer volume of material that gets stolen from less popular posters by trolls and shills is astounding. Heck! I've seen stuff ripped off from these forums and used in T.V. shows, movies, and books. Lots of people's intellectual property gets swiped on forums and monetized by others. Not cool and a big reason I've clammed up over the years. Worse is when the material falls into the hands of trolls and gets used to torment victims of mass casualty events. That is just the lowest of the low.
Just because someone posts something on an obscure forum somewhere doesn't give permission to everyone that reads it to repost it at bigger forums, steal the material for their own purposes, etc. It's stealing and stealing is not as clever as you all think. That goes for the likes of Alex Jones, etc.
Secondly, real people die in these incidents and it gets turned into a game by crazy people on forums. It's sickening!
To prove what I'm saying, I dug out my original post based on my original dream.
This dream was originally posted Sat Sep 29, 2012, under LunaBaby, at oroborus and clubhouse11:
Post subject: Dream of False Flag
PostPosted: Sat Sep 29, 2012 10:48 am
I just remembered what I dreamed about last night. It was very disturbing too.
I'm not really a 9-11 theorist or sure about any of that. I think it was allowed to happen and there are reasons I think the government was involved somewhat, at least in a propaganda sort of way.
Last night though I had a weird dream that the government, not necessarily ours but some government somewhere, was in the process of undertaking a false flag terrorist attack against their own people.
In this dream, I was shown plans, diagrams, and logistics that were being implemented right now for that attack. It was made clear this is imminent and happening right now as an excuse to begin a long sought after war. This war that is about to start is intended to be huge and cost millions of lives from a faked attack by some government somewhere against its own people and country.
I was also shown how government agents of whatever government that is are going on the internet to frame the culprits they want to take the blame for this in webpages, postings, and e-mails.
No, I can't say what government or where this is, I don't know. Sorry. If I remember something more, I'll post it. Dreams are just so hard to recall sometimes.
To be clear that dream didn't involve mass shootings or going after second amendment rights. It was about a bombing in Eastern Europe.
Just my .02 on this sort of thing.
Picture by Evan-Amos - Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=18300824
^^ This is the first computer I learned to program on.
This bad boy * taps roof * can hold 1,024 bytes.
A FULL 1k of memory. And a tape drive to load and save it on.
The Rite Of The Monkey Cat Sleeve
What you'll need.
- Coffee (Strong with milk and two sugar)
- Shatter (2 grams one indica one sativa, plus rig to smoke it)
- Music ( Works best with Jpop or some Marilyn Manson set to loud)
these three are whats needed to call me forth from the void.
Place the Coffee on a table next to dab rig and shatter as music plays loud say aloud three times.
"I am a Cat meow meow meow I want a Sith lord now now now!"
then strip off and run in circles making funny noises for approx 30 mins.
repeat till I appear.
Should be done in a dark small room at around midnight your time
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So last night some time, I decided that I wanted to go back to sleep . Every time I turned my back away I would hear muffled foot steps or some sort of movement. Which as your usual response you'd turn around to see what it was . I was expecting either one of the cats or the dog but I didn't see anything at this point .
From there I kept on tossing and turning in bed and every now and then I would see this rapid shadow figure moving in front of the fireplace. For now let's call it "that thing", anyways whatever "that thing" was it hadn't quick manifest itself fully to completely Identify its full figure. But whatever "that thing" was it creeped me the **** out .
I finally gotten to sleep yeah, in the dream I recall walking up to the wall of this building outside. It was made out of sandstone bricks *I think!* on this wall someone write a message along the lines of:
"Messages doesn't always work on EVP. Don't try it."
Whoever write it used like a tiny black stone or pebble because you could see all the attempts the person made to make this message noticeable upon the wall. In the morning I looked up the dream meaning for EVP, believe it or not couldn't find jackshit on that. For those who don't know what a EVP is, its a device used to record voices of spirits that aren't heard easily.
Just before church I decided to use my Pendulum to figure out what "that thing" was and if it influenced this dream. I received yes for both. After church *about 1pm noon* I started making a vlog for my YTC about this experience where I recorded me using the Pendulum and using Tarot for more in depth info. I've also been meaning to draw what I saw in the dream about the message as well. So if there's any update I'll publish it.
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Better watch yourself
he’s just playing with you
saying all those words you want to hear
not one of them true
Holy roller, business owner, multimillionaire
you’ve been on the road of heartbreak
he’s the answer to your prayer
Philanthropist, romanticist, sex god love affair
he’s everything a man can be
now you’re tangled in his lair
That sickly, nagging feeling
Is he really who he seems?
Is he just an online fantasy,
or the answer to your dreams?
Time will tell and things will show
he’s played this game before
with her and her and her and her
and everyone you know
Disappointment and resentment
feelings you know well
Still it doesn’t seem to matter
your guard’s a fragile shell
Letting go and moving on; it isn’t really hard
the disillusioned disenchantment
of a heart already scarred
Sometimes you still wonder just who he really is
was that even his real name
but if he’s everything he said he was
he wouldn’t play this game
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When i lie down to go to sleep and my eyes r closed the white part of my eyes roll to the front of my face and i see a whole seniero its like a play or even a skit and the whole event is like its in a bubble and im watching it and its usally about people i care about or about people i know and these skits ill call them its either about death or bad events thats gonna happen to them and i see and watch the whole thing how it happens, like whose in it who did it , but i dont know when the events happen .and after its all done i fade away and fall asleep. and i have other things happen dont know what to call it but...i could be standing next to someone and my chest gets completly hot like on fire and ill just blurt out, oh my god! something bads gonna happen to you ! but i dont know what or when. or i can have insticts of money like in my visions when im sleeping i see like scratch offs the winners on what im gonna win and what the scratch off is gonna look like like i had one where the scratch off was a bingo and it was 4 corners and i had bought a bingo one time and it was a 4 corner bingo but i thought i seen this before it happened .now these visions im having dont happen all the time but when they do there very true,powerful,i dont know weather to call it a gift, or ???? so if someone out there has similarities please blog me and tell me what the heck is happening to me oh and this my first blog ever i dont know much abot blogging or internet or computers for that matter so please be patient with me learning as i go... just need some input thanks Geminigirly
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My name is Alan, I am 71 years old and I live in Tiverton Devon with my partner Jenny. I have worked all my life since the age of 15 as a carpenter. In my life I have had a number of experiences which although not mind boggling in themselves seem to defy any logical explanation, they are also different from each other in that they do not share a common thread or theme. The first one occurred at age 15 and the last at about age 57. Only I can vouch for my own honesty sincerity and integrity when describing these occurrences. I have an excellent long term memory and have often thought of these events as years went by, I would like to share them with you now, my reasons for doing so are to initiate in people the belief that we as human beings are not alone in our lives and existence and that when our lives and existence on this earth ends that that does not mean the end of our spiritual existance. My experiences have instilled in me an unshakeable and absolute knowledge that these lives that we live and share are just a small part of a much longer journey to who knows what or where. I welcome all comments both positive or critical.
When I was 14 my grandfather died, this was my dad's dad. My grandparents lived about half an hour by bus from my home. Along with my parents, my younger brother and four younger sisters, I would visit my grandparents house every Sunday afternoon without fail to meet up with my three uncles and one Aunty plus my cousin Peter who is one year older than me. It was always a happy time and after Sunday tea we would return home by 7pm.
One Friday afternoon I was at my grandparents house, I can not remember why. It was most unusual as it was a school day and only a matter of months before I left school for the last time. For the last hour of this visit my grandfather and myself sat side by side on the front doorstep, although I do not remember the details I know we talked almost non stop, it was a happy hour spent with him, my grandfather was very fond of me and always made a fuss of me. We were just passing time waiting for the 82 bus to Windy Nook which was only a ten minute walk from my home. About five minutes before I left my grandfather pressed a sixpence into my hand and said " There you are son, you can get yourself some sweets " soon after that I was gone, I did not know that I would never see him again and made the uneventful journey home.
Two days later, it was Sunday morning about 10.30 and my parents were beginning the early preparations for Sunday lunch. Two of my dads younger brothers my uncle Norman and uncle Alan arrived unexpectedly and clearly in distress, they told my dad that their dad had died of a suspected heart attack, my grandad was sixty three when he died. I remember very little of the rest of the day except that I was left to look after my younger siblings while my parents went away with my two uncles, returning a few hours later. When my grandads funeral took place the adults decided that I should not attend as it would be to distressing for me, I was hugely relieved I could not have imagined myself going to anyones funeral much less my own grandad. After a couple of weeks things returned to normal and continued to be so for several months until I left school three weeks before my fifteenth birthday.
Two days after leaving school I started work as an apprentice carpenter, although I had to wait until my 16th birthday to begin my official five year apprenticeship. I loved the learning process and the job itself, I still do and still work now fifty six years later.
After the death of my grandfather the weekly visits to my grandmothers house hand come to an abrupt end. Several months went by, I would guess about eight, I resumed the visits on my own. I had changed from a fourteen year old schoolboy into a more confident and muscular teenager a few months from my sixteenth birthday, these changes were the result of spending my days working with men who were teaching me my trade. I admired and respected them a lot and they responded well to my obvious willingness to learn, the work was physically demanding too, carrying long roofing timbers and sheets of plywood was an everyday occurrence and I loved all of it. It was a very happy time for me, outside of work playing football and reading were my two main passions.
It was in this relaxed and carefree scenario that I resumed my visits to my grandmothers house on Sundays, but now the reason for going was to spend time with my cousin Peter as well as visiting my grandmother. I had no unease or qualms at all about resuming these visits and looked forward to them every week I had quickly adjusted to the passing away of my grandfather and accepted it as part of lifes natural cycle. I think it took about six weeks after he died to adjust to the fact that I would never see him again and I did feel the loss. I regarded him as someone who had cared a lot about me. However when I resumed my visits I was in carefree mode with no concerns at all. Since the age of about ten or eleven I had also been part of a group of five close friends we did a lot together such as caddying at the local golf course, football, taking up archery and making our own bows and arrows as well as in recent months collectively taking an interest in girls.
Since resuming my visits to my grandmothers house I had made four or five weekly visits, all of them relaxed and uneventful. A pattern had emerged in that on each of these Sunday nights just before 6.00 PM my grandmother and her lifelong friend Mrs porritt who lived next door would take themselves off to a local club for a few drinks and several games of bingo, returning at about 10.pm. Peter and I would then spend most of the next two hours either reading magazines watching a bit of TV or talking before I caught the 8.00 pm number 82 bus to Windy Nook and home. One particular Sunday night having followed this normal routine the clock had moved on to about 7.45, Peter and I were in our Grandmothers kitchen where there was a back door through which you could access the yard and the outside toilet, all of these houses at that time had an outside toilet. Grandmothers toilet was about five or six yards from the back door and then up four stone steps and the wooden door of the toilet was then on the left. I told Peter in the kitchen that I had to go the toilet before going to the bus stop which was about a 150 yards walk from the front door of the house, I also asked him if he would get two magazines which I had asked him earlier in the evening if I could borrow, he said he would.
I walked through the yard and up the steps I was in an entirely relaxed mood and anticipating the bus ride home as well as arriving home in time to spend a couple of hours with my family, especially my two sisters who were closest to me in age being born less than two years apart.. I entered the toilet and spent about three minutes or so in there, as I was about to open the door and leave, the most remarkable and simultaneously terrifying thing happened. The unmistakable voice of my grandfather spoke to me from the area above and behind my head and this is what he said " Alan, don't be afraid son, I want to tell you something that will help you in your life" I was so shocked and frightened, I pushed the door open and took the four stairs in one leap almost stumbling on landing, the back door was open and I just ran, Peter my cousin was in the kitchen. I can not imagine what kind of an image I portrayed, Peter was completely startled by my appearance, indeed he looked frightened himself, he stood in front of me and kept asking me what was wrong and what had happened. I could not tell him, I was still trying to get my thoughts and myself in order over what had just happened. I told him that I was ok and that nothing had happened, it was obvious by his manner that he did not believe me but I could not tell him because I thought that it would frighten him further and it was partly due to the fact that I did not want to appear foolish in relating such an implausible occurrence. I left quickly, I just wanted to get home to familiar surroundings and my family but little did I know that on this day that my grandad was not finished with me yet.
Twenty minutes on the bus and a ten minute walk cleared my head and by the time I arrived home I was back to my normal self although still turning the events of the past hour over and over in my mind. At this time my brother and I shared a double bed in the back bedroom of our house. I went to bed at about 10.30 and my thoughts had turned to work the next day. I was working on the construction of a new school which was a mere five minutes walk from my house. I loved the variety of carpentry tasks that were part of my job.
I had not been in bed very long, ten minutes or so, my brother Raymond was asleep. I was lying on my left hand side facing the wall with my brother In front of me I was wide awake we were the only two in the room and the door was closed. Without warning I felt the unmistakable pressure of a hand closing on my right shoulder, I froze with terror, if anything this was much worse than what had happened three hours earlier. The hand on my shoulder was insistent but gentle repeatedly pulling my right shoulder back in an effort to get me to turn around, I was rigid with fear but the hand kept pulling, I heard a voice somewhere within me telling me not to be afraid but the voice was not mine, the pressure of the hand on my shoulder increased without actually hurting me, in my head I could hear myself saying no no no leave me alone please leave me alone, the hand and the pressure on my shoulder stopped. I have not the slightest doubt that this was my grandad.
for about the next ninety minutes I could not sleep at all, going over and over these two events in my mind. Sheer emotional exhaustion took me to sleep and I awoke next morning to broad and bright daylight and felt fine but perhaps still quiete a bit unnerved by it all but within forty eight hours or so I was the same as as I ever was. I had no further communication from my grandad,from time to time some years later I would sometimes think about it and wonder what it was that my grandad wanted to tell me. There have been times in my life when I would have welcomed advice from someone or a spirit not of this world but then I think that most people might think the same.
forty three years later I received a visit from another spirit, another family member. On that occasion I had no fear at all. In between there have been other strange occurrences not connected to the spirit world. In scale they are almost irrelevant or inconsequential but nevertheless less take a lot of explaining
I am sure that a lot of people having read this blog will offer the opinion that this was no more than hallucination or a vivid imagination. These views are to be respected and warrant no less creedence than my own views or of those people who's views are the same as mine. If the events described here were the only experience of such matters I had ever had then it would be difficult to counter the suggestion of hallucination, but that is not the case. In closing I would just like to say once again that I am essentially a very honest person. The experiences I have had are without any doubt at all real. I can not understand or explain them Other than these events happening to me at the times they did, each of them years apart I have never had any interest at all in the paranormal, it has never even formed part of my reading material which is almost exclusively non fiction with the backbone of it being Biographical
Thank you for taking the trouble to read my blog
Alan Copeland AKA Bill Eever ( believer )
My first blog entry, in fact my first blog ever was about my Grandad and his two attempts to communicate with me on the same evening, this would have been in 1962. My next experience which left me puzzled and with a question unresolved to this day took place in 1965 / 1966. It was fleeting, all over in less than five minutes. It was something I have very rarely spoken about , no more than two or three times in over fifty years, I think this is because it is probably the experience which would invite the most scepticism / disbelief. So once again I find myself having to vouch for my own honesty integrity and accuracy in relating this very odd occurrence.
A dream, or something more profound !
We were four good mates, myself Dave Levee Frankie McGee and Eddie Ruddick. We were all about eighteen and had been mates since childhood. Funny how friendships are formed sometimes, I met Frankie McGee one day in our local park when we were about ten we both ran from different directions for the one swing that was not being used, we got there at the same time and both grabbed it in a matter of seconds we were scrapping over it, throwing punches for all we were worth over a swing. Just when I thought I might be going to get the upper hand his big brother Eddie pulled us apart and made us shake hands.we became best friends for the next twelve years and never had another cross word between us. So on this night some time in 1965 the four of us had gone to Low Fell. Low Fell was great it had five or six great pubs three or four nice places to eat some nice shops and a snooker and pool hall with fifteen tables. It was midweek I know, probably a Thursday night and we had been playing snooker for a couple of hours. When we finished we walked to the bus stop which was outside the Gateshead Arms pub, it was still early about 8.30 PM. Right next to the Gateshead Arms pub was St John's Roman Catholic Church. In all the time we had been using that bus stop the church had always been closed and in darkness, but this night it was lit up and there was music coming from within and the sound of kids laughing. There was a wide pathway which led from street level where we were up and around to the double arched doors of the church. Someone suggested that we go up and have a look so we did. There was a lady sitting on a chair with a small table just inside the door. We asked if we could come in and she said we were welcome to do so, there was a small charge which we paid. She explained that it was a youth club for kids of fifteen and older, that soft drinks and light snacks were available and asked if we would be polite and not to noisy. We made our way to the back of the church hall where there were several long wooden benches. The benches were long enough for all four of us to sit side by side on one of them,I was on the right hand side as we looked out at the main group of kids dancing in the centre of the large church hall. There was a temporary counter with tables behind where soft drinks and sandwiches etc were available. My best mate at that time Frankie McGee was on my left, then Dave Levee and Eddie Ruddick on the other end. We sat quietly watching but not saying very much at all, we had only came in because the lights and the music we heard had roused our curiosity and as it was early and the buses were frequent we probably intended it as no more than half hour diversion before we continued home. The girls outnumbered the boys by at least three to one but most of them were at least two to three years younger than ourselves although still attractive to the casual observer.
even now after all these years it is still difficult to put into words what happened next but I will try to present it as best as I can. I was quietly watching the group of about twenty people on the dancefloor, then in my mind over a period I would say of between five and ten seconds the realisation came to me that this scene in front of me was familiar, not just the scene but the people in it. As the seconds ticked by the feeling of having seen this before intensified I could see a girl, taller than most of the others with straight long blonde hair below her shoulders with a very distinctive coloured dress on, deep wine coloured red with gold braided across her chest, then another person I recognised stepping up to the counter to buy something then two or three other individuals also familiar, I was beginning to anticipate their movements before they made them because I had experienced this scene before. During these seconds as they unfolded I felt almost disorientated and very unnerving trying to make sense out of what was happening. And then in an instant it came to me, it was a dream I had had, about three weeks previously. I was struggling to cope with the enormity of it I was still only eighteen and not emotionally or mentally equipped to deal with it.I thought about the dream still while watching these unfolding events and I remembered that at some point in the dream a gang of lads had run into the church hall and started hitting people indiscrimminately and in the dream when it happened I was in the Church Hall with Frankie Dave and Eddie. It is difficult to relate the sense of disbelief I felt at that time, that here I was in real time re living a dream in presice detail which I had dreamt of some weeks previously, but real it was. Almost instinctively I turned and pushed Frankie forcefully with both hands and shouted to all three of them " we have to get out of here now straight away" they must have been startled by this very uncharacteristic and intense outburst because as one they just turned and walked very quickly to the door and ran down the ramp to the bus stop. Almost in unison they asked me what was the matter, what had happened to make me behave like that. Once again and for the same reason as with my cousin Peter I could not tell them, it would have sounded preposterous telling three lads that I had had a dream three weeks ago that we were in this church hall and that everything that had happened in the church was exactly as happened in my dream, I could not even make up a reason fictitious or otherwise not to tell them I could not think of anything other than that you could have a dream about something that would happen in the future, exact in every detail. So said the only thing I could, I just said something really very very strange happened and I can not tell you about it. They were not happy about it but we were close friends and there was a bond between us. They knew clearly that it was not a poor attempt af a joke they knew that on this matter at least I was very serious but at other times I could jome and display impromptu humour at the drop of a hat as they say, or when the occasion demanded, they also knew me well enough and for long enough not to press me on what had happened so they just let it go. It bothered me for the whole of the following week, such a profound and inexplicable experience. In urging them to get out of the church quickly It was because I had expected the arrival of the gang of troublemakers at any moment, I had expected to meet them on the ramp as we ran from the church or to see them arrive as we waited at the bus stop while we waited for our bus, but I never saw them at all. So that part of the premonition did not come true. The girl in the dress and other people present were exactly the same people I had seen in my dream, from the moment I realised that I was actually watching events that I had dreamed of then for a minute or so before we ran out I was able to anticipate what they were going to do next, so that part was all true, no hallucination no imagination all true. In the following days I was expecting at any time to hear via local gossip of of a disturbance or incident happening at the church after we got on the bus, I never did. In Gateshead where I lived and grew up at that time, we had a local paper, The Gateshead Post which came out once a week on Fridays so in the following week I waited to buy the paper and fully expecting to find in there a report or small mention of a disturbance or of anti social behaviour at St John's church on Low Fell but there was nothing at all. I fully stand by what I saw and experienced in the church hall, I absolutely expect that there will be many skeptics and can understand that but for me, following on the death of my grandfather and the experience which followed that, I was in the early stages at the age of eighteen of realising that all is not so simple on this earth we all share as it appears to be. There are invisible boundaries all around us and boundaries between time as well as physical life and spiritual existence which can and do get crossed from one side to the other. After this incident in the church I went about my life in the same way as everyone else, growing up and as an adult experiencing joy hope pain regrets hope and anger, this took me to 1994 / 1995 when I had another life questioning experience at the age of about 48. Just for fun I shall call it, Fortune lost
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Many of you might wonder what Krav Maga is that I practise?. the martial art system was developed by Imi Lichtenfeld (former boxer and wrestler) who made use of his martial art skills to defend the Jewis quarter against fascist groups in Bratisalva during the second world war. following his migration to Israel in the late 1940s he started to provide lessons on combat training for the Israel military Defense Forces which was later developed into Krav Maga. The orginal concept was to take the most effective simpel and practical techniques of other fighting systems to make them rapidly teachable to military conscripts to make them in relativly short time battle ready. the system derived from a combination of techniques taken from Boxing, Wrestling, Akido, Judo and Karate etc and is know for its for its focus on real-world situations and extreme efficiency. It was secret until 1968 and became popular among most Special Forces and Armies and Police forces across the world which later became taught by some martial art gyms. Students learn simultaneous defensive and offensive maneuvers and to defend against all variety of attacks on the ground in tight spaces, in darkness, with several attackers and are taught (most importantly) to avoid physical confrontation If this is impossible or unsafe, it promotes finishing a fight as quickly and aggressively as possible and to get away from the situation, Attacks are aimed at the most vulnerable parts of the body and there is no rules in Krav Maga.
What makes it fun to practice KM is all the boxing and the various techniques plus the friendship you get and that everyone strives to make each other better. got this question once how do you spar?. do you beat the crap out of each other? like you usually see in movies?.When you spar you dont hit your opponent with full force, you stop your punch just before it lands otherwise boxers wouldn´t learn anything and they would not be able to go matches.you spar for the following reasons you want to improve each others skills and to have fun, you want to do your best to ("win") yes but at the same time you have to adapt to your opponents level and still make it hard for him if you feel you constantly have the advantage, its all about giving and taking. I also got this question once: when you spar dont you ever get angry when hit? No an angry fighter is a bad fighter, i do get frustrated and angry at myself sometimes when i do simple mistakes or get too tired to spar properly, stay focused stay on your game. Do you recommend km to eveyone ? I recommed it to everyone if you haven´t tried it you should give it a go! !Dont you have to be extremely fit?. It´s not bad to resonably fit if you´re not you will get in shape in no time plus have fun.
Do you have any good self defense tips?: Yes! firstly Join your local KM club or boxing, thai boxing club. Secondly: when your out in town avoid looking at your mobile phone, look up instead and walk like you owned the place. If you do get attacked do everything you can to get away from the sutiation defend yourself scream and be as agressive as you can and never give up!!!. If someone starts to pick on you in lets say a bar, simply go to another bar with your mates dont stick around, if the person starts to get threatening and you feel the situation is getting out of hand scream as loud as you can .BACK OFF!!, STOP!! this is what the law enforcement do and it will attract peoples attention if he then attacks you, you have a given him a warning and a good reason to defend yourself which will not be in his favour in court. And remember the first rule of Krav Maga avoid physical confrontation at all cost, never put yourself in a dangerous situation, stay out of trouble!!!.
Whatching my boys today, I can’t help but start thinking about parenting as I start this process of optimization. Out of everything that I want to get right in this world, It’s being a father. They really are my world, yet at the same time, I know I have to make my own world to be true to me too if I’m going to be my best for them.
I never put them in day care. My wife works full time, and owning the school, I didn’t work until the evening. When my first was born, I was the ripe old age of 27. I strapped the kid to my back, learned how to change diapers on the go, blend baby food, manage blow outs, and sleep when he slept.
My wife has a busy corporate career, so he even came with me to the dojo. People all around town, that didn’t already know me, started to identify me as the young guy that took his baby everywhere. I was fine with this. I was young, strong, and I had such a clear focus. I knew kids that were close with their parents grew up more emotionally stable and intelligent, so I did what it took not to have someone else nurturing him.
It worked. Now he is a bright, intelligent, and compassionate beautiful 13 year old. Sorry ladies no sexism intended, but sometimes behind his back, I call him my girl because he is so sweet and compassionate. We really are very close, and he is a big time dady’s boy.
Then came another, and a few years latter another. This is where I mark the beginnings of a few of my own personal struggles. I had to drop out of being on the US sport jiujitsu team. The training, the school, two babies at that time were just too much. I compensated by my long solo trips into the wilderness and meditation, but really my pace was taking to much out of me. I just couldn’t see it. I really felt that I was the master of my universe and nothing could stop me.
Anyway... I didn’t want this entry to be a history lesson, but I did it with all three of my boys. I kept them with me. Learning from me, training in martial arts, and we were obsorbing each other. I’m very close to all three of them, and sometimes it breaks my heart just because they are growing and each phase is impermenant.
Of course, at the same time all of that was happening, I was going through deep psycho spiritual episodes. I have another blog here that I was writing during some of that. Looking back, I wonder if it were to much. Maybe I should have asked for help.
Anyway, going forward now, I’m wondering how to maintain this role I have taken on in their lives. They are starting to do more and more on their own, but when I choose a new careeer, am I going to have to be like normal dads? Like my wife? She dosnt get home till 7pm. When I was teaching I wasn’t home myself in the evening, but they were actually with me a lot of the time. Leaving the dojo behind has disrupted how we all live. We will still be training twice a week, but I can’t help but worry where this is headed.
I don’t just want our short time on this earth in this capacity to be “normal.” I have been fortunate enough to give them an amazing and adventurous child hood so far. How do I continue? How do I make it better?
Now that they are older, they bicker more, I snap at them more, and things are not as pure as when they were little. Me and my middle child butt heads all the time. He is a great kid, but along with the freedom I give them, there are some very strict rules about respect and behavior. He wants to challenge me on those, and I don’t always respond in the way I think my higher self wants me to. How do I reel in my reactions? How do I keep the vision I have for them remembering not just a childhood, but a grand experience growing up? How do I work on myself during all this?
My mind mills and churns over it so much, I have actually had to start listening to audio books and podcasts with my blue tooth headset simply to drown out my own inner voice. My inner voice simply won’t shut up. I can quiet it during meditation, but the only thing that helps when I’m going about my day is to drown it in information and learning.
Optimizing parenthood may be one of the most challenging things I have ever attempted. I have faced down cage fighters, large wild animals, a few abusive psychos, and even stood my ground against what people would call demons and devils, but screwing this up scares the hell out me.
Thanks for reading.
So I recently joined a writing site that wasn’t associated in any way with some of the things I’ve had published. I thought that I would post stories on there that I would consider to be my seconds. They’re not quite polished or are stories that didn’t quite fit what I wanted to submit.
I have two stories in to set up kind of what I would like to do. Put stuf out there that isn’t quite my best but was still fun too write. I will soon post the url so people can go scope them out. Stay tuned for those who wanna check it out.