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'Tis the Season!


glorybebe
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:lol:

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flas hlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, Clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you" Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a b ird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

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According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (the only members of the deer family, Cervidae, to have females do so). Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December.

Female reindeer, however, retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen…. had to be a female.

We should’ve known this when when they were able to find their way.

Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, “Well Johnny, it isn’t Christmas and we don’t have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don’t you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead.” After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,

I’ve been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.

Your Friend,

Little Johnny

Now Little Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (Brat).

So, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,

I’ve been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.

Yours Truly,

Little Johnny

Well, Little Johnny knew this wasn’t totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.

Dear Jesus,

I’ve thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a new bicycle?

Signed,

Little Johnny

Well, Little Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother was really wanting. He crumpled up the letter and threw it in the trash can and went running outside.

He aimlessly wandered about; depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.

Little Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Little Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.

Jesus,

I’ve broken most of the Ten Commandments; shot spit wads in school, tore up my sister’s Barbie doll and lots more. I’m desperate. I’ve got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.

Signed,

You know who

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Do you know what would have happened

If it had been Three Wise Women

Instead of Three Wise Men?

They would have asked directions,

Arrived on time,

Helped deliver the baby,

Cleaned the stable,

Made a casserole,

Brought practical gifts and

There would be Peace On Earth.

:P

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Fruitcake Recipe:

l cup water

l cup sugar

4 large eggs

2 cups dried fruit

1 tsp. baking soda

1 tsp. salt

1 cup brown sugar

lemon juice, nuts

1 gallon whiskey....

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl

Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.

Pour one level cup and drink...repeat

Turn on electric mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still o.k......cry another tup...Turn off mixer

Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit...Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Who cares.

Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one tablespoon of whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees..

Don-t forget to beat off the turner.

Throw the bowl out of the window.

Check the whiskey again.

Go to bed.

Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

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Fruitcake Recipe:

l cup water

l cup sugar

4 large eggs

2 cups dried fruit

1 tsp. baking soda

1 tsp. salt

1 cup brown sugar

lemon juice, nuts

1 gallon whiskey....

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl

Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.

Pour one level cup and drink...repeat

Turn on electric mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still o.k......cry another tup...Turn off mixer

Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit...Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Who cares.

Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one tablespoon of whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees..

Don-t forget to beat off the turner.

Throw the bowl out of the window.

Check the whiskey again.

Go to bed.

Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

I always loved that one...I wonder how the whiskey would work on toothaches?! LOL!

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LOL, OK, this one is bad.

Two blondes went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said,

“I’m chopping down the next tree I see. I don’t care whether it’s decorated or not!”

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