Angelfish Posted April 22, 2004 #1 Share Posted April 22, 2004 Me wants feedback! Her legs were stiff, her eyes hurt under the intense sunlight. She sat in what little shade a rather large boulder offered, sweating like a pig and contemplating taking off the very little clothing she now wore, as if that could possibly make the heat go away. Her right arm hurt like hell because of a wound she could not remember getting. But she currently couldn't even remember her own name so she didn't think much of that. The wind was nonexistent here. It was so dry the ground looked almost like cobblestones. And to top it off, there was nothing but the boulder as far as she could see. The much-shredded excuse for a tunic she wore was covered in blood, though she hadn't the slightest idea as to whose blood it was. She pushed herself to her feet unsteadily and started off. Walking a staggered line for hours before the heat took over and she gave in to dehydration. She stumbled, fell to her knees and tipped over sideways. She was in the sweet embrace of unconsciousness before her head hit the dusty earth. It could have been that she lay there and never ever got up, never even opened her eyes. But this girl, a young thing, barely fifteen, had a great destiny. The gods could not simply allow her to die. And so it happened that a young shepherd, weary from chasing a lost lamb for days, came upon the girl's prone figure and brought her back to his village. There she lived out the next year or so as if it had always been so. As if the prior fourteen years had never happened. To her they hadn't. The villagers accepted her as one of their own and dubbed her Ryna, an Old-tongue word for beauty. In time they grew accustom to the mark on her forehead that made her look as though she'd been branded years ago, the brilliant green eyes and the obsidian black hair that were a true rarity in The Overlands. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angelfish Posted April 24, 2004 Author #2 Share Posted April 24, 2004 ............so it's really that bad huh? Oh well New storyness now TO MICROSOFT WORD!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForeverFalling Posted April 27, 2004 #3 Share Posted April 27, 2004 I think is sounds great so far! Good job. I cant wait to see how it turns out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowbaby Posted April 28, 2004 #4 Share Posted April 28, 2004 oooooooooooooo tell me more! this is great!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*MoG* Posted April 28, 2004 #5 Share Posted April 28, 2004 Brilliant story..............but the mark on the forehead and black hair ........... is she Harry Potters' sister??? only kidding very catchy opener. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angelfish Posted April 28, 2004 Author #6 Share Posted April 28, 2004 but the mark on the forehead and black hair ........... is she Harry Potters' sister??? Why did I not see that coming? lol Me post more later. Must now go type........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mickyboy Posted May 4, 2004 #7 Share Posted May 4, 2004 I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity...........Edgar Allen Poe Im impressed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GunnerCDM Posted May 4, 2004 #8 Share Posted May 4, 2004 very nice i would like to hear more Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Raven Posted May 4, 2004 #9 Share Posted May 4, 2004 Not bad at all! I like the creativity .and how you used your words..As a fellow writer myself, I will gladly help you with any of your writing needs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
man_in_mudboots Posted May 6, 2004 #10 Share Posted May 6, 2004 (edited) Me wants feedback! and feed back you shall get, but dont get P-Oed at me if im a little too critical, i have that habit. And so it happened that a young shepherd, weary from chasing a lost lamb for days, came upon the girl's prone figure and brought her back to his village. and contemplating taking off the very little clothing she now wore, as if that could possibly make the heat go away. The villagers accepted her as one of their own and dubbed her Ryna, an Old-tongue word for beauty. the brilliant green eyes and the obsidian black hair that were a true rarity in The Overlands. i would like to hear a little about the shepard boy. maybe you should have her living at his house, if he is to be a long-lasting character. i always wonder why fantasy authors spend so much time on the beauty, personality, and actions of the female charaters, but little on the males. The wind was nonexistent here. this part sounds just like louisiana. the rest is the complete opposite, though. guess you could say its a *sopping, drenching, soaking, wet heat* Edited May 6, 2004 by man_in_mudboots Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chico del nacho Posted May 6, 2004 #11 Share Posted May 6, 2004 it reminds me of stephen king's "the talisman," albeit in a different sort of style. i'd be interested to hear more, but i'm kind of sitting on the fencepost of whether i like it or not. i'd need to read more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
man_in_mudboots Posted May 6, 2004 #12 Share Posted May 6, 2004 i'm kind of sitting on the fencepost of whether i like it or not. uh......your not supposed to say that...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chico del nacho Posted May 6, 2004 #13 Share Posted May 6, 2004 i'm kind of sitting on the fencepost of whether i like it or not. uh......your not supposed to say that...... what? why not? i'm being honest. it seems quite promising. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
man_in_mudboots Posted May 6, 2004 #14 Share Posted May 6, 2004 (edited) uh......your not supposed to say that...... what? why not? i'm being honest. . i know your being honest, but i learned (rather obstinantly and a bit too late) that its better to be a little discreet than a lot honest. what a good thing to say would be "it seems quite promising", like you said, but be subtle (yes, im lecturing you on being subtle )and leave out the last part. Edited May 6, 2004 by man_in_mudboots Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angelfish Posted May 6, 2004 Author #15 Share Posted May 6, 2004 Actually mr. MIMB, the sheperd boy isn't a lasting character. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
man_in_mudboots Posted May 6, 2004 #16 Share Posted May 6, 2004 oh, OK, i guess you should skip him then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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