Stream of Consciousness 0

[snuffypuffer]

This being my first Stream of Consciousness rant in quite awhile, I thought I’d tell a story. It’s a sad, stupid story, granted, but I hope it’s at least somewhat funny, and maybe we’ll all learn a lesson. This is a true story, this all happened to me, except for a few parts where perhaps I’ve exaggerated a little. Only the names have been changed, except for me, I have no problem showing my idiocy to the world.

I had a friend, we’ll call her Lisa. Now I had been friends with Lisa for close to a year, we got along well, but there was no real interest in dating. But, Lisa had a nice looking roomate named Amber, who had recently broken up with her boyfriend. Now, being the horndog I am, I decided to have Lisa hook me up. It took a bit of convincing, basically I just badgered Lisa until she gave up and finally arranged for a time for Amber and I to meet. Amber was a good looking girl, long black hair, big brown eyes, big bright smile. I couldn’t wait to get a few moves in.

I got lost on the way to Lisa’s house, I met her on the internet, (which is usually a bad idea in the first place, more on that later) and had never really been to her house before. I took a wrong turn, and had to call Lisa to get my bearings. When I finally got to Lisa’s house she gave me a dirty look and asked if I found my way alright. This sarcasm endeared me to Lisa immediately. She was a short, stocky blond girl, not anyone I’d necessarily be attracted to in normal circumstances, but again, I’ll get back to that. I was here for Amber. Amber was out drinking with some friends, so Lisa and I sat and chatted and waited for her to arrive. Lisa was part of a group who investigated old hotels, houses, and what not for ghost activity and the like. I found this pretty interesting at the time. After all, ghosts and ghoulies are a fairly good way to pass the time. Lisa being way into the paranormal was cool, she had all kinds of groovy stories to tell. She told me how her house was haunted, and as we sat and talked her front door, which bolted shut, suddenly opened by itself. At first we thought It was Amber, but no one came through the door. I was a little taken aback that she didn’t really take things like Bigfoot and UFOs seriously, after all, if you believe in ghosts you should at least keep an open mind about the other things that go bump in the night, shouldn’t you? But I digress. I was really enjoying my conversation with Lisa.

When Amber finally got there, I knew something was off right away. First of all, she’d had to call a taxi to take her home. When she breezed through the door, she immediately, and loudly, began to tell Lisa the story about the old man and his licking habit. LIsa introduced me, and Amber immediately plopped down on the couch next to me and snuggled up. On the one hand, it’s always nice to have a girl you’ve just met snuggle right up to you. On the other, Amber was ranting about something, and smelled like booze. Between Amber’s constant poking and prodding on me, and her telling the same story what seemed like eighteen times, I decided that I liked Lisa better. The next day I called and asked her to see a movie with me.

Lisa and I went from friends to couple quick. We couldn’t even pinpoint when things actually changed, it all just seemed to fall into place. We didn’t have a lot of things in common, but we had a lot of fun together, and usually got along really well. The only thing that seemed a bit off was that whenever we’d be fooling around, Lisa would send me home before things would go too far. She’d always tell me that I was too special to her, and that sex would ruin things between us. I argued that we were already across the line, might as well go all the way. She insisted. Mind you I didn’t stop trying, I got my hands slapped more times than I could count. In the end I always ended up driving home in the morning with “unfinished business” that I had to take care of in the shower before going to bed.

This is the way things went for months. One night Lisa decided that we were going to be better off going back to being just friends. She told me that if things were to go on, she’d begin to pick things apart and ruin the relationship. Better to end things while they were going well, she said. While this made no real sense to me, I valued our friendship, and I decided to go along with her and at least save that. I took Lisa’s notepad from her computer desk and began passing little notes, telling her what a groovy chick she was and how sorry I was that things had to end. I got a kiss, and eventually I got a note back reading “let’s move to the couch.” What had been a breakup talk turned into a marathon makeout session. I picked Lisa up and put her on my lap, she straddled me and started kissing harder. I took her shirt off, a funnel of pure joy leapt into my heart. I got to third base, no handslapping. I reached around to take off her bra and struggled with the hooks. Lisa took it off for me, I was, however, too busy to be embarassed. Some of you may be hoping/fearing that this gets more raunchy, maybe my timid little S.O.C. story turns into an X-rated tale. Actually this is when Amber walks into the room and the whole moment just becomes a big punchline. I laughed so hard I wore myself out. And as always, I drove home alone and unfinished.

That very same weekend Lisa had some of her ghost friends coming up to investigate her house, and she invited me and some of my friends to come and sing karaoke with them. Now I love karaoke. I feel like a superstar every time I go up to butcher a Frank Sinatra song. The fact that I didn’t have my lady anymore made me a little sad, but I got to sing “Light My Fire” with my friend Larry and weaseled my way onto Lisa’s friend Hal’s bar tab. I thought to myself, I’m mature, I’m taking this breakup business really well. I can get through this just fine. Jeremy and I had to take Amber home, she was too drunk to drive. On the way out, she hunkered down and relieved herself, right in the middle of the bar parking lot. Larry and I just looked at each other in awe, amazed at the amount of liquid coming out of the girl. The white trash behavior just kept going on, as Amber kept biting me and Larry all the way to Lisa’s house. Amber bit hard, it was hard to steer with an intoxicated woman clamped onto your shoulder.

Larry and I decided to stick around Lisa’s house for awhile nevertheless. We wanted to see how ghost hunters actually went about an investigation. That many of them were drunk only bothered us a little. It didn’t take long for everyone to lose interest in Lisa’s ghost, and eventually we just settled into the living room having a big conversation. I don’t remember what topics were covered, but at one point Larry said something that caused Amber to stand up onto the coffee table and launch into a drunken diatribe against whatever point Larry had just stated before collapsing onto my lap and biting me again before ranting about delta blues. As she did this, we all noticed at about the same time that Hal and Lisa had disappeared.

It wasn’t until the following morning at home that Lisa called me. We’d barely gotten the hellos out before I asked the obvious question. Had Lisa and Hal done what I thought they’d done? Lisa said that last night hadn’t been one of her proudest moments. I told her what low class, white trash behavior I thought that was. While I was in the next room no less. I’d honestly thought she was a much different person than she was. She tried to placate me by saying that she was drunk, and that Hal was the worst sex she’d ever had. I told her she shouldn’t be surprised, just look at Hal. I was too shocked at the sheer amount of bad behavior I’d witnessed the previous night. That was the beginning of the end of our friendship.

The lesson here? I’m not too sure. I think this editorial will be the first to introduce an interactive element. We’ll all discuss what lesson I should have learned here. Tell me what you think.

[theSOURCE]

Sorry you had to deal with that snuffy. I went through something similar just recently, and I'm still hurting from it.

As far as lessons go I think you have it covered. You asked your internet friend Lisa to hook you up with her roommate Amber. Amber turned you off by being a slob so you (consciously or unconsciously) used Lisa as a fall back. Unfortunately, Lisa gave you the dreaded "just friends" line, to which you paid no heed. So, she took advantage of this to feed her power trip by teasing the hell out of you, then not putting out. Eventually, a guy she did want to put out for came along, and this left you feeling dejected and angry.

I hope you recover faster from stuff like this than I do.

[Agent_21]

I think Sarky is right, Snuffy. This isn't my kind of subject matter so I didn't post a response at the time. I read it, as always, and look forward to your next Stream...

[snuffypuffer]

Ah relationships. I never thought they were easy, sometimes they make you feel like flying, sometimes they make you want to put your face in a blender. I have my doubts as to whether Lisa was ever really a friend, as a real friend wouldn't have messed with my head the way she did. And as for the internet, well, let's just say I'd have to have my mind blown.

I did think it was a pretty funny story, all in all.