How Do You Tell If Your Mate Is Cheating?

[WoIverine]

Has anyone been through this before? If so, how did you find out? I'm probably paranoid, but I am suspecting my significant other of this. It's an awful feeling to live with.

[Virtual Particle]

Has anyone been through this before? If so, how did you find out? I'm probably paranoid, but I am suspecting my significant other of this. It's an awful feeling to live with.

Human smell differently when interacting with another sexual partner....But in reality??? The technology does not exist, outside our own physical senses, to know the difference.

Developing technology which, does just that? Would aid in discovery.

Any thoughts?

Edited May 3, 2010 by Triad

[Sakari]

I can not remember what Psycologist said this ( was a popular one ) , but she said " if you think your other is having a affair , there is a 90% chance they are".....

Not sure where the numbers came from , but I agree...If you suspect this , you are probably correct...You know your other ( lack of better word) more than anyone else does.....

I have a ex-wife because of affairs she had...I do remember having that " gut feeling" , and I tried to deny it , but it was correct....

[the1truebat]

Has anyone been through this before? If so, how did you find out? I'm probably paranoid, but I am suspecting my significant other of this. It's an awful feeling to live with.

I hate to ask, but what's making you think she's cheating? Is she being vague with her answers. Is she spending lees time with you? Has she began new activities? Is she just acting wierd? You don't have to answer if it's too personal.

[Black Hound]

Hire a private detective, easy and hopefully cheap. Confronting won't work, as they'll lie. Physical force isn't the answer either. Just say "Good Bye" and learn from your mistakes.Go for brains, not for looks.

[Tropo]

How about just asking them?

Sure they can lie but I don't think all of this sneaking around with detectives and such is going to help.

I mean if you can't trust your partner then should you really be in a relationship with them anyways?

Edited May 3, 2010 by Tropo

[Watchers]

Terrible dilemma. I know exactly where you're at. I guess it depends on how well you know the person, and what their habits/behavior is. Being with someone for several years can give you a good idea--and if you see that they have a bad habit of lying and they are needy/dependent and have attention problems, they may be more prone to cheat on you. One thing that I do know is possible is for you to become so paranoid that it ends up driving the other person away, or actually becoming a self fulfilling prophecy--it ends up driving them INTO the arms of someone else.

Some would say that the best course of action would be to keep quiet about this and just try to go about life as normal (until actual proof smacks you in the face).

Some would say keep quiet, but sneak around and try to discover the truth on your own.

Personally, I think the best option would be to politely (and with the right timing) confront your partner, and tell them how you're feeling. Don't just say "I think you're cheating on me", and definitely don't accuse them of anything. Just simply say something like, "Lately I've been feeling like something's going on...and here's why..." Give him/her the reasons you feel this way (specific examples etc.) If they respond agitated and irritated, chances are they're probably cheating on you. But if they respond nice and calm and genuinely attempt to put your worries to ease, and seem legitimately concerned with making things right, then things may be ok.

[WoIverine]

Terrible dilemma. I know exactly where you're at. I guess it depends on how well you know the person, and what their habits/behavior is. Being with someone for several years can give you a good idea--and if you see that they have a bad habit of lying and they are needy/dependent and have attention problems, they may be more prone to cheat on you. One thing that I do know is possible is for you to become so paranoid that it ends up driving the other person away, or actually becoming a self fulfilling prophecy--it ends up driving them INTO the arms of someone else.

Some would say that the best course of action would be to keep quiet about this and just try to go about life as normal (until actual proof smacks you in the face).

Some would say keep quiet, but sneak around and try to discover the truth on your own.

Personally, I think the best option would be to politely (and with the right timing) confront your partner, and tell them how you're feeling. Don't just say "I think you're cheating on me", and definitely don't accuse them of anything. Just simply say something like, "Lately I've been feeling like something's going on...and here's why..." Give him/her the reasons you feel this way (specific examples etc.) If they respond agitated and irritated, chances are they're probably cheating on you. But if they respond nice and calm and genuinely attempt to put your worries to ease, and seem legitimately concerned with making things right, then things may be ok.

Wow, excellent advice, thanks! Thanks to everyone else as well.

[Neognosis]

Go for brains, not for looks.

Right.... because only good looking people cheat...

what you should be more concerned wtih is what is missing in the relationship for her/him that is causing the infidelity.

[Amberlight]

I would keep quiet about my suspicions and gather hard facts. That way when it's time to discuss it, they cannot refute the facts. If you still love this person, be gentle and try to get the honest answer as to what is happening and why. The "other person" is really irrelevant, your loved is all that matters.

[Agent X]

If you want to be certain hire a private detective.

This is not a joke.

[Sakari]

If your gut feeling is right ( I hope it is not) , dump her hard , and never look back....Once a cheater all ways a cheater....

I do hope you are wrong though for your sake....Been there , it does hurt....

Is she a wife or girlfriend?....Hopefully no written contract

[TwilightSilver]

If your gut feeling is right ( I hope it is not) , dump her hard , and never look back....Once a cheater all ways a cheater....

I do hope you are wrong though for your sake....Been there , it does hurt....

Is she a wife or girlfriend?....Hopefully no written contract

I never used to believe in "Gut feelings" or "Intuition" growing up. I always just ended up being gullible enough to think things were fine. Then after three failed relationships recently, I've learned to trust my gut. Sakari is right. If you have that feeling, act on it. Ask. It's a terrible thing if they are, and you find out in that way, but at least you will get some form of closure. I should have acted on my gut feelings many times, but I ignored it. It's the body's way of saying "Waaaaait a second.....something isn't right here...."

[Belial]

Just ask the question directly, the eyes usually give it away

[captain crunch]

In my personal opinion, I think you should be honest about your feelings. Personally, I would have a talk with my wife and let her know how I feel. I would be careful not to accuse her, since I'm not even sure she is cheating (it may even be offensive...so be careful and watch your tone). I would just tell her how I feel and that I want to know the truth. I wouldn't expect an answer right away. In fact, I would ask her to think about it and answer me later that day. I know that might sound stupid, but if you expect an answer right away, most people will lie. Think about it, ever since we were kids, we learned to lie whenever we were in trouble. I'm not a liar, but sometimes I catch myself wanting to lie whenever I feel like I've been put on the spot. If they are cheating, it's not going to be easy to confess. So maybe you should just say how you feel, and not immediately ask is they are cheating. Regardless, don't push for a quick answer. Also, be understanding if they do initially lie. Who would want to confess to such a thing? You can make it easier on them by keeping your cool and not sounding accusatory. Again, it may sound silly, but think about how hard this is. If they are cheating, they know that admitting it may result in divorce. If you have kids, that will make it even harder. And so, if you want the truth, don't push them into feeling the need to lie.

Also, I would do some soul-searching and see if perhaps I have been giving her reason to want to cheat. Maybe that means we need to spend more quality time (not just watching television or seeing a movie) together. I don't think you should rely on wedding vows to keep each other faithful, but rather on the fact that you two mutually give each other what you need. If you rely on wedding vows alone, things will probably becoming too routine (and that would make me want to cheat).

You may want to take a moment in advance to decide what you will do if your spouse is cheating. Otherwise, you might just let your emotions get the best of you when you find out. This is your spouse, it's worth the effort.

I'm certainly no expert...I can only share what I would do if I were in your shoes. I wouldn't hire an investigator. If I ever felt the need to go that route, I would really ask myself if I truly want to be married at all.

I hope everything goes well.

Peace,

Migzilla

[captain crunch]

Correction: I said "spouse", but meant "significant other"

[eqgumby]

Right.... because only good looking people cheat...

what you should be more concerned wtih is what is missing in the relationship for her/him that is causing the infidelity.

I'd toss up the BS flag on that one.

You commit, you don't cheat. Period. You can "reason" it to death. Personally, I don't care WHY you did it. Assuming it's a relatively normal relationship. (I have seen a guy find out his wife was cheating, felt bad for him, then discovered he hadn't pursued "relations" with her in six months or so...despite her BEGGING for physical intamacy...she just needed to get her rocks off!)

So assuming it's a relatively normal relationship...no BS excuses: I felt a need for this, or you never listen to me, or my personal favorite...all you ever think about is sex!!! So, in retaliation, or to make yourself feel better, you go out and...HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE!!!??? Nope. Not buying it.

[Michelle]

First, I think you must ask yourself if you are a jealous insecure person and have you always been that way, or is it just something that has come about recently. I was never unfaithful to my ex and yet he constantly accused me of the most ridiculous things. If someone called, had a wrong number and hung up he said it was my boyfriend. If I was closing the blinds I was signaling someone. If I was fifteen minutes late getting home from work I was stopping for a 'quicky'. He saw deceit in everything until I finally couldn't stand it anymore and left. All because his mom left his dad for another man.

Baggage can effect your relationships if you let it.

[Fluffybunny]

First, I think you must ask yourself if you are a jealous insecure person and have you always been that way, or is it just something that has come about recently. I was never unfaithful to my ex and yet he constantly accused me of the most ridiculous things. If someone called, had a wrong number and hung up he said it was my boyfriend. If I was closing the blinds I was signaling someone. If I was fifteen minutes late getting home from work I was stopping for a 'quicky'. He saw deceit in everything until I finally couldn't stand it anymore and left. All because his mom left his dad for another man.

Baggage can effect your relationships if you let it.

I am so sorry to hear about that, it must have been so miserable. When I was in college I had a roommate that had a girlfriend of many years. He was horrible to her; condescending, rude, jealous to the Nth degree, not supportive of her...she really was great too, and never deserved what he did to her, but my roommates father was very much the same way. I knew where he got it from.

There is a fine line on jealousy...there isn't a problem having some degree of jealousy in my opinion; to have a mate that you would allow to get into any number of personal situations where infidelity could occur and not be a little bit jealous makes me wonder. Of course having so much jealousy that it interferes with the relationship and drives a wedge between the couple just isn't going to fly.

I have had guy friends who claimed that they never got jealous of their spouse...that they trusted them so implicitly that no matter what they did, they did not get jealous. come to find out that the girls didn't take it as a statement of trust, but rather a guy that didn't really care too much about them.

in my opinion this is something you have to really reflect on, because if you have jealousy issues and it is possible for all of this could be something that your jealousy is creating, and your S.O. is not doing anything to really earn the distrust you feel, then it could be something you have to deal with. If there is enough evidence that you know that they are likely cheating...well then that is a potentially bad situation.

I personally do not go for the whole "get the private detective" and pay tons of money to find proof. In my opinion, if the relationship has deteriorated to the point that you no longer can trust the other person, it is a good bet that the feeling is reciprocal and that the relationship went off the rails some time back and it is pretty unlikely that the initial spark that brought the two of you together will ever come back. At that point it really isn't about the cheating, it is about trust; and without that, the relationship is all but doomed.

In this situation(without any accusations) letting the other person know what you are feeling might allow the other person to explain the situation and either clear things up, or allow them to let you know where things went wrong. The disucussion will likely open a can of worms, but it could allow you to learn from the situation and grow a bit.

Best of luck.

[Michelle]

Thank you, sweetheart...it was miserable, BUT, if it hadn't been for that particular chain of events I, more than likely, wouldn't have met the wonderful man I'm married to today. I agree with you about the private detective situation. If it's gotten to the point you feel you have to resort to that the relationship is all but lost. Open communication, at the time in question, is the best approach.

[WoIverine]

I think my hormones are really screwed up at the moment. Hormone replacement therapy has had me all over the map emotionally, it's been a nightmare. One second I'm angry, the next second I'm bawling my eyes out, or I'm borderline suicidal. Finally, I spoke to someone who went through something similar with hormone replacement and they said it caused them to be paranoid. So, I'm hoping that's all it is. I went into the relationship living with her and her ex boyfriend at the time. They remained friends and he was a cool guy who was dating someone else at the time. Anyways, I had no problems with jealousy or insecurity at that time...but it all seemed to start when my doc started giving me testosterone injections...I almost wonder if I'm having roid rage/and other misc. issues with it. I have an endocrine specialist appointment tomorrow, so I guess we'll see what the deal is. I wonder if that "gut" feeling can be wrong sometimes?

Edited May 3, 2010 by SpiderCyde

[+OverSword]

Has anyone been through this before? If so, how did you find out? I'm probably paranoid, but I am suspecting my significant other of this. It's an awful feeling to live with.

If you suspect it then it is probably true, based on personal experience and verified thru conversations with people who have also gone through it.

Edited May 3, 2010 by OverSword

[Michelle]

I think my hormones are really screwed up at the moment. Hormone replacement therapy has had me all over the map emotionally, it's been a nightmare. One second I'm angry, the next second I'm bawling my eyes out, or I'm borderline suicidal. Finally, I spoke to someone who went through something similar with hormone replacement and they said it caused them to be paranoid. So, I'm hoping that's all it is. I went into the relationship living with her and her ex boyfriend at the time. They remained friends and he was a cool guy who was dating someone else at the time. Anyways, I had no problems with jealousy or insecurity at that time...but it all seemed to start when my doc started giving me testosterone injections...I almost wonder if I'm having roid rage/and other misc. issues with it. I have an endocrine specialist appointment tomorrow, so I guess we'll see what the deal is. I wonder if that "gut" feeling can be wrong sometimes?

Well that might be all it is. There may be nothing to worry about it at all. Take it from a women...hormones can be a terrible thing. Any kind of medication can have an adverse effect on you. Talk to her. She may just be giving you a little room to deal with it in your own way and you are misinterpreting her intentions.

[Michelle]

Well that might be all it is. There may be nothing to worry about it at all. Take it from a woman...hormones can be a terrible thing. Any kind of medication can have an adverse effect on you. Talk to her. She may just be giving you a little room to deal with it in your own way and you are misinterpreting her intentions.

Oops, I tried to fix a typo and this happened. *shrugs*

Edited May 3, 2010 by Michelle

[Lilly]

Oops, I tried to fix a typo and this happened. *shrugs*

You quoted yourself that's why it appears like that. You can only edit (use the edit icon) a post within the first few minutes after posting. This is due to some people going back to change actual post content in the middle of a debate.