Capture The Flag

[the1truebat]

Ozzy, don't you know that the Dodge Tomahawk does 300 mph. Just a bit faster than you ducati, I believe. I explain this calmly after smoking you off your bike with a baseball bat.

I'll take my flag, You sit and rest for a minute.

Welcome back to the war.

[Donnie Darko]

The1TrueBat is driving off on his pretty Batcycle and make it to the gas station, approximately 30 miles away. Even superheroes need to fill em up.

There's no one to pump the gas for you, turns out The1TrueBat doesn't like to get his suit dirty. Who would've thunk it?! Oh wait, no, no... there's someone. A woman. she makes her way towards you ever so slowly. She's in her early forties maybe, blonde, she's attractive, but scary and your not sure why? It's darkout, isn't it always?

"Don't mind if I do.." she says and smiles eerily at you as she innocently feels up your bike. You smile back. Something odd, hmmm...

Her eyes, they pierce you. Not literally, but your frozen in fear. They're not real. They're made of...glass?! She's blind. She feels around the Batcycle, and grabs the Flag accidentally. "Oh, wrong handle," you say to her and help her grasp the gas pump. "My mistake," she says.

"It's quite alright mam. Infact would you like me to take over?"

"Oh no, I can still manage sir." She begins to pump. You nod quietly, but ofcourse, she doesn't see you. Once she's done, she feels around your bike once more.

"Hehe, wrong handle again." You go to guide her hands off the Flag, but this time, she's holding on tightly. "Excuse me miss? You've got the wrong item here.."

Her expression is frigid. She refuses to let go. This time, you shove her down hard and she falls onto the side of the gas pump moaning in pain.

"What did I do?!"

You realize you pushed a blind woman to the floor. You immediately reach down to help her up..but your met with a hard kick to the face!

"You broke my nose!" Blood gushes out of your now, crooked nose.

The blind woman rises like a pro and pulls out a Hattori Hanzo sword and in dramatic, sarcastic, witty fashion says, "Any last words, batboy?" The1TrueBat rises but not fast enough..The woman (with a sinister smile) takes a full swing and slices off his head flawlessly! The head rolls by the feet of a 10yr old girl who had just arrived with her mother. The girl shrieks in shock at the sight of the decapitated body of The1trueBat.

The woman smiles scaring the girl further, climbs the Batcycle and heads off to find Ozzy Valentine.

"Kid stuff..."

[the1truebat]

Always with the beheading, it never works, Oz. It's the armor, gotta get through that.

How do you miss the most obvious things. I press the detonator switch inside the flagpole, flag is fine, she is not.

I take my flag, douse her in thermite, and take off.

You're slipping, Ozzy.

[Helen of Annoy]

Keep arguing with Ozzy, I’ll just take this flag with no flagpole and… wait… no flagpole? You damn men, you just have to ruin every toy that falls into your hands

The flag is mine and now it has broomstick for a flagpole.

[Donnie Darko]

Elsewhere in the middle of the woods [ Location: Undisclosed], we see Ozzy Valentine performing a ritual of sorts. Accompanied by strangers in cloaks, they chant as one.. "Muh, muh, muh, muh..." They dance and drink blood and continue to chant in a manic frenzy...**Thunder Roars** ... Ozzy is struck by lightning in the forehead and falls to the ground.

**Silence**

The cloaked strangers check on him. "Ozzzzyyy?" His eyes open, they're solid black. He stands up with no effort and is silent. " Are you okay?" One of them asks. Without warning Ozzy raises his hand pointing his hand at one of them and has him combust internally. The stranger collapses, blood spilling out of his mouth and then....he burst into flames! The other strangers flee into the night, terrified. They have summoned a dark God who has possessed Ozzy, awesome power is now his.

Ozzy smiles. "What better way to test these new powers eh?" Ozzy speeds towards one of the strangers and with a stare alone, blows his head into a million bits. "Thrilling! But there's one more.."

He concentrates for a bit and in his powerful mind, sees the other cloaked stranger making his way down an isolated road begging a car to stop and help.

****

"He's gone mad! We have to get out of here now!!" The man pleads to an old man driving a pick up truck. "Please!"

The old man tries to calm him down, you know...classic horror movie mistakes.

** Drum sounds**

Cloaked Man whispers, "Nooo...he's here..."

Ozzy speedily glides towards the old man and drives his hand into his chest ripping his beating heart out..Ozzy disgustingly takes a bite out of it. The cloaked man crumples to the floor, attempting to crawl away. He doesn't get too far though, he is paralyzed with fear. ...Ozzy calmly walks towards him, stalking his prey. Smiling, ....the camera zooms out and into the sky as we hear the cloaked man begging for mercy and then a scream, followed by silence. The camera lowers back down to Ozzy who's eyes are still black, with a red rim light around them.

"There shall be NO MERCY, to the bearer of The Flag."

*********...Fade Out...**********

[Golden Duck]

While Ozzy Valentine was busy tapping away on his keyboard, writing that last post, I just sneak up and snatch the flag. By the time Ozzy clicks <POST> and wonders where he left the flag, I have already boarded a plane and left the country...

[my_psychosis]

While Ozzy Valentine was busy tapping away on his keyboard, writing that last post, I just sneak up and snatch the flag. By the time Ozzy clicks <POST> and wonders where he left the flag, I have already boarded a plane and left the country...

However you are so distracted you dont realize you actually got on my helicopter where my team of ninja gophers steal the flag, tie you up, and push you out. They did attach a parachute to you first, I mean we are not animals here. (well besides the gophers)

[in-the-clouds]

You should send your creepy little ninja gophers back to ninja school. When the helicopter landed I was there waiting with the gopher super model Gophina. One of your little creepers tried to impress Gophina by flaunting his new flag prize thinking he was “all that and a bag of chips”. Gophina used her teasing ways to seduce the little creep. Your gopher was so smitten and blinded by Gophina’s beauty that he didn’t realize that she secretly replaced the flag with a dirty sock and returned the flag to me. Rookie mistake gophers! The flag is mine-ha ha ha ha!!!!!

[Helen of Annoy]

Yes, yes, the flag is yours, now hand it over to me. I’ll just take it to dry-cleaning.

Now I have the receipt too that says it’s mine.

[the1truebat]

Oh, would you look at that. They 've torn it at the dry cleaners, don't worry yourself, I'll take it back and have it fixed.

Mine, again.

[Helen of Annoy]

We have secretly switched truebat’s sewing needle with that pointy thing Snow-white pricked herself on. Let’s see if he’ll notice that he has slept for 300 years and it’s a guy in tights that woke him up with a lizardy kiss... while I was waving the flag.

The flag is mine.

[the1truebat]

During Helens daily wetting of he octopus, I take my flag, and exchange her shampoo for super fast drying epoxy.

300 years older or not, I'm still smarter than you.

Mine again.

[in-the-clouds]

During Helens daily wetting of he octopus, I take my flag, and exchange her shampoo for super fast drying epoxy.

300 years older or not, I'm still smarter than you.

Mine again.

Fortunately for me, 1truebat didn't realize that he dropped the epoxy tube, stepped in it, and is now stuck there with a befuddled look on his face. Silly bat! I'll take the flag now.

[the1truebat]

In the Clouds evidently hasn't aged that well, seems she's gone a little senile. My boots come off, so as she's making for daylight with her walker, I zip past, take my flag and run like hell.

MINE again.

[Helen of Annoy]

In the Clouds evidently hasn't aged that well, seems she's gone a little senile. My boots come off, so as she's making for daylight with her walker, I zip past, take my flag and run like hell.

MINE again.

You run like hell until you tripped over my drunken neighbour that was strategically placed in your way which I was able to predict using crystal ball I’ve stolen from the Gypsy thread. Now the flag is mine, you can have the crystal ball. Which means you’ll have to explain to the police what are you doing in the middle of the road on top of a drunken man with stolen fortune teller’s ball in your hand.

Pray god I don’t return to testify about the whole thing, responsible citizen as I am.

You also owe me for getting that neighbour drunk, I'll give you discount since the amount of booze was huge but I have to charge interest otherwise International Monetary Fund will accuse me of undermining their efforts to crash the world-wide economy.

Yes, I hold my flag, don't you worry. I don't need the tongue to hold it, so I can keep ranting for as long as I like.

[the1truebat]

Helen, Helen, Helen. You gave me the crystal ball, I already know all this. While you were ranting and raving, giggling to yourself and gloating, you didn't realize that there was a replica crystal ball stowed away with you. Well, you didn't realize it until the police pulled you over.

The flag is returned to me(My name is clearly written on it) and you are arrested for theft, and tax evasion.

The flag is once again MINE.

Enjoy prison.

[Helen of Annoy]

Helen, Helen, Helen. You gave me the crystal ball, I already know all this. While you were ranting and raving, giggling to yourself and gloating, you didn't realize that there was a replica crystal ball stowed away with you. Well, you didn't realize it until the police pulled you over.

The flag is returned to me(My name is clearly written on it) and you are arrested for theft, and tax evasion.

The flag is once again MINE.

Enjoy prison.

Thanks, I will. I always wanted to call my neighbours and co-workers b****es.

But I was bored with it after only few hours so I decide to confess I’m a member of terrorist cell and you are the leader of it. I get immunity and the flag, you get a trip to tropical island. Just how handsome you look in orange.

[the1truebat]

Perfect plan, except for one small thing. I flash my C.I.A. credentials and walk, you are brought back in as I have named you as a hostile.

Still my flag, Convict.

[Helen of Annoy]

Perfect plan, except for one small thing. I flash my C.I.A. credentials and walk, you are brought back in as I have named you as a hostile.

Still my flag, Convict.

Only they can’t bring me back because they can’t find me since immediately after I got out, I made sure my photo with “have you seen this octopus? Please call...” is plastered everywhere. It’s the most reliable way to make yourself never found again.

Then I crawled into your 15th storey apartment, through the window, using my sucking cups as... well, using them as sucking cups...

There I set your collection of DVDs on fire, but before that I tied together legs of your Spiderman pyjamas (wow, that was kind of shocking... Spiderman complex, under all that black rubber, really?) so you tripped and fell which gave me the opportunity to call 911, because I don't want your neighbours to burn and their pet fish to boil in its tank, but not before I stuck a bong up your ass. Explain that. They already heard all possible explanations for such situations, and not one of them was convincing.

So you’ll be saved, probably, and I saved the flag. It is mine.

[the1truebat]

See, why did you have to go and make it weird? A bong, really?

Alright, just remember, you brought this on yourself.

Explanations are made, legal teams are brought in and I walk, scott free. You, however are easy enough to find. All things considered, I really think that you would learn to cover your tracks better. Tranqing you with enough sedatives to down a full grown bull elephant, I take you to a doctor I know to have your octopus surgically implanted where the bong don't smoke. I get my flag, and you get a built in seat cushion.

Mine, again.

[Helen of Annoy]

See, why did you have to go and make it weird? A bong, really?

Alright, just remember, you brought this on yourself.

Explanations are made, legal teams are brought in and I walk, scott free. You, however are easy enough to find. All things considered, I really think that you would learn to cover your tracks better. Tranqing you with enough sedatives to down a full grown bull elephant, I take you to a doctor I know to have your octopus surgically implanted where the bong don't smoke. I get my flag, and you get a built in seat cushion.

Mine, again.

Gloves off!

So I took my gloves off and since those were rubber gloves, even I have to clean this place from time to time, I used them as slingshots and hit you between your traitorous eyes while you were standing on that rock of yours. The sound of your scull crashing when it hit the rock was music to my ears, comparable only to the heavenly sound of popcorn in autopsy room. I took the flag out of your paws while you were still breathing. Not for long. It’s hard to breathe when someone crushes your throat and then turns you over and straightens your neck back to place by stomping on it but concludes it now bulges on front. I can play like that for half an hour. Or for as long as you twitch.

I sold your costume on e-Bay to pay for popcorn and your batmobile to pay for surgical deimplanting of my hatopus, then I made your Robin prostitute himself to pay for... nope, nothing else, I did that for fun.

Who’s flag is it? MINE.

[the1truebat]

Game on.

Nice. except that wasn't me. Taking a page from Bracket, I fooled you with a decoy. Sucker.

So while you tap danced on some poor unsuspecting fool, and stole yet another flag replica, I wait for you to get bored and toddle off. That's when I hit the detonator. The fake flag is a rather impressive explosive device. You should have realized that the only reason you won that fight is because it wasn't me. Too slow again, it hurts, but you'll survive

I don't want to kill you, this was an object lesson.

Game on.

[Helen of Annoy]

Game on.

Nice. except that wasn't me. Taking a page from Bracket, I fooled you with a decoy. Sucker.

So while you tap danced on some poor unsuspecting fool, and stole yet another flag replica, I wait for you to get bored and toddle off. That's when I hit the detonator. The fake flag is a rather impressive explosive device. You should have realized that the only reason you won that fight is because it wasn't me. Too slow again, it hurts, but you'll survive

I don't want to kill you, this was an object lesson.

Game on.

Of course I’ll survive. You, on the other hand, won’t.

Remember the fake crystal ball? It’s still in your pocket. And you’re not the only one that knows how to switch items so what you think that fake crystal ball is, is actually real hippy bomb.

It has the most advanced scratch triggering, so when you reached to scratch yourself it went off and turned you and 27 innocent passersby into hippiest hippies of all times. You voluntarily handed over the flag to me and even gave me a flower to put it in my hair... tentacles.

I left you a nice, long, jagged knife so you can commit westernized (extra damage to soft tissue) version of hara-kiri once you snap out of it and find yourself rolling in city park grass (ouch, dirty needles everywhere) with flowers behind your ears and goat named Compass in your arms.

I’m a friendly person so after you cut yourself open, I made sure all your guts are out and kept your appendix as a memento.

The flag is rightfully mine.

[the1truebat]

Remember the past, my dear. I can regenerate, it was established a few pages ago. I heal. You it seems need to go back to the chains, oh, did you forget the chains?

I haven't.

I'll hunt you down, I'll take you out from a distance. I'll return you to the lava pit, I know it won't kill you. I'll lock you back into the harness. You remember, the one that pulls you back just before you reach the shore. I'll add some ankle chains this time, just to give you a more all around work out. I've also added a bit more lava, waist deep was just not challenging enough, lets try chin deep, see how that works, shall we?

Listen to me drone on, telling you what I'm going to do. Well, that's what I did, but you were out of it at the time. Open your eyes, Helen. Welcome home.

My flag.

[Helen of Annoy]

Remember the past, my dear. I can regenerate, it was established a few pages ago. I heal. You it seems need to go back to the chains, oh, did you forget the chains?

I haven't.

I'll hunt you down, I'll take you out from a distance. I'll return you to the lava pit, I know it won't kill you. I'll lock you back into the harness. You remember, the one that pulls you back just before you reach the shore. I'll add some ankle chains this time, just to give you a more all around work out. I've also added a bit more lava, waist deep was just not challenging enough, lets try chin deep, see how that works, shall we?

Listen to me drone on, telling you what I'm going to do. Well, that's what I did, but you were out of it at the time. Open your eyes, Helen. Welcome home.

My flag.

Oh, really?

Few pages back we also established I’m simultaneously devil’s aunt and spawn. You didn’t object. This means you accept the devil as the real entity. Therefore, god is real too.

And you, my poor soul, committed suicide two posts ago.

No regeneration, no salvation, welcome to my home.

Where my flag is flapping in scorching breezes... actually, hurricanes... of Hell. Like grandma’s underwear, only hers had slightly different logo on. Never mind that now, go boil yourself. In a melting pot, I hear you folks over the pond like it.