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WARNING: Accidental release of Windoze 98


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It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Glasgow edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Glasgow.

If you have one of the Glasgow editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Glasgow edition may be recognised by looking at the opening screen.

It reads WINDAES 98 with a background picture of a Buckfast bottle superimposed on a Clydebank flag. It is shipped with a Buckfast screen saver.

Also note:

The Recycle Bin is labelled: Bog

Dialup Networking is called: Ma Mates

Control Panel is known as: How Tae **** Aboot Wi The Settins

Hard Drive is referred to as: Big Disk

Floppies are: Them Wee Plastic ****ers.

And instead of an error message, you get: a windae covered with anempty Buckfast bottle.

Other features:

OK = its aww-right

cancel = **** off

reset = whit yoo aw aboot

yes = aye

no = nay ****in' chance

find = get it yer ****in' sel'

go to = orr therr

help = ah cannae dae it

stop = gie's ****in peace

start = ****in' move

settings = settins

programs = stuff at does stuff

documents = ma ****

Also note that Windaes 98 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to WINDAES 98:

tiperiter = a word processor

cullerin book = a graphics program

addin mershene = calculator

scratch paper = notepad (usually unused)

sounds = CD player

porn = Microsoft Internet Explorer

pikchers = a graphics viewer

dole money = M/S accounting software

Sellik = a spreadsheet of Celtic F.C.'s recent scores

Bevvy = local off-licences by area code and price of Tennent's Super

cuzzins = family history (usually 14-year-old mother's name and a shortlist of possible fathers)

tax records = usually an empty file

Kappa tracksuit inventory (usually 3 meg file)

doactir = vetrinarians by post code

We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you received a copy of the Glasgow edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

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