Ugly

[snuffypuffer]

Stan took another sip of his chai and hit enter. He leaned back in his seat, watching the save screen for a few seconds, then surveyed the Java Stop coffee bar he went to every afternoon to write. He watched a paunchy father try to balance his latté, several bags from Old Navy, and a two year girl as he fumbled out the door, to a vehicle Stan was sure must be an SUV. He scrutinized a girl in a trucker hat and a tube top converse with a pasty rock-star type with a spiked wrist bands and a vintage t-shirt of some dinosaur band he most likely claimed not to like. Stan had always had a soft spot for Journey, and wasn’t ashamed to own up to it. With a glance at the usual gaggle of goth kids smoking outside the windows, he shut down his laptop and gathered his things to leave. He was about to leave his seat, when he heard a voice behind him. “Excuse me.” Stan turned to see one of the counter girls, her name tag read Madeleine, standing next to his table. She had somewhat puffy cheeks, and her long dark hair was tied back into a very tight bun at the base of her neck. The grey dress she wore, coupled with her apron, made her look Amish. “I wonder if you’ll let me see what you’re working on sometime,” she said. Stan was taken aback, he said the first thing that came to mind. “We’ll see.” He grinned sheepishly, then made his way out of the shop.

He’s blowing me off, thought Madeleine as she watched the guy in the black leather jacket cross the Java Stop parking lot to the battered red Kia she’d learned was his a few days before. She’d never even gotten his name. She’d probably scared him away, anyhow. It was awfully presumptuous to think he’d just let a total stranger look at the thing he’d been working on for weeks. Live and learn, she thought. She sighed and stepped back behind the counter, where her coworker, Kristen, was washing a carafe. “How’d it go?” she asked, her blond pony tail bobbing back and forth as she scrubbed. “Think I made him uncomfortable” Maddy said, pausing to take a pink-haired kid’s order for a triple mocha shake. “Don’t worry about it, he’ll be back.” Kristen began washing another pot. Maddy sent her a sidelong glance. “He blew me off, K. He’s probably thinking he’d like to avoid nosy freak girl from now on.”

“That’s your problem, Maddy. You always take things personally.” Kristen took the white towel off her shoulder and began drying. “That guy is in here every day, at the same time, orders the same vanilla chai, and sits in the same seat at the same table. He’s not breaking his routine for anything.”

Maddy shrugged. “If you say so.” She’d been screwing up her courage to talk to Mr. Leather jacket for weeks, and she’d blown it in one breath. That’s luck for you, she thought to herself.

Darrell read through Stan’s script, scratching his beard. He finally said “I don’t like this” as he handed his laptop back. “What’s with all the lovey-romantic sh**?”

“I thought I’d try it out, just to see if I could do it.”

Darrell picked at something under his orange Oklahoma State t-shirt. “What happened to that horror script you were working on?” He sprawled out on the sofa. “Is there some chick you’re trying to impress?”

Stan smirked. “No, I just wanted to do something different for awhile.”

Darrell almost always had something to say when Stan showed him one of his scripts. “I’ve never seen you write this type of thing before. I’m thinking you’re writing this girlie bull**** ‘cos you’ve met some hipster broad at that coffee bar you’re always hanging out in and you’re trying to be all intellectual and sensitive.”

“What’s wrong with being sensitive?” Stan wondered, “and this is from a guy who watches Sex and the City religiously.”

“There’s a lot of titty shots in Sex and the City,” Darrell said as he got up. “And on that note I have to go take a dump.” He tossed Stan the remote. “Watch some idiot box, and try not to be such a douchebag when I get back.”

Stan found some cartoons and gave himself a good scratch. He thought about the girl at the coffee shop. Her name was Madeleine. She’d just approached him, out of the blue. He thought that perhaps she’d been watching him for awhile. That idea kinda freaked him out. I’ve got my very own stalker, he smiled to himself. A pudgy-cheeked, Amish stalker. Perhaps one day they’d build a barn together. He’d gone into a full blown gut-laugh when Darrell finally got back into the room. He looked at Stan puzzled. “Did I miss something?”

Stan tried to compose himself “Just a girl I was talking to this afternoon.”

“Really,” Darrell gawped. “A chick was talking to you? She wasn’t serving you with a restraining order, was she?”

This last comment set off a fresh new burst of laughter. “She’s a strange one, man.”

“Strange like how? Does she have purple hair or something? Into devil worship?”

“No, nothing like that. Almost the exact opposite, frankly.” Stan struggled to find the right words. “It’s like she stepped right out of Little House on the Prairie.”

Darrell tittered. “Well, is she cute?”

Stan shook his head. “Not really. She looks like an Amish librarian, I can’t figure out why she’d even be talking to a long haired hippy type like me.”

Maddy spent the next day at work watching the window for the red Kia to arrive. Who was she kidding, she’d probably scared the guy away. Eventually she quit looking every spare second and turned her mind to helping Kristen get beans from the back. She was busy heating a latté for a fortyish woman in a cardigan when she turned to see Stan waiting patiently in line. A wry smile crossed his face as he met Maddy’s eyes. Her heart leapt in her chest. Calm down, she told herself, he’s just a guy. Cardigan lady had a question, Maddy gave a brusque answer and moved her quickly out of the way. She asked Stan if she could take his order.

As usual, Stan ordered a vanilla chai, no whipped cream. Maddy handed him his brown foam cup with a smile. “I’m didn’t mean to put you off the other day.” Maddy said.

Stan shrugged it off, “It’s okay, I don’t mind if you look, really.” He thought for a moment. “When you have a second, you can come over and give it a look, if you want.”

“I’d love to.” Maddy grinned.

Maddy took a seat at Stan’s table over her break. They introduced themselves, and Stan opened his script file for her to read. She scrolled through, “I’m not going to be able to finish this in one setting.” She said, placing her open hand on her chest, like she was pleasantly surprised.

“I’ll bring you a copy, next time.” Stan said. They sat together and spoke for the next few minutes. The two had much in common, as it turned out. They both loved Ogden Nash, for example. Maddy was shocked to learn that Stan, too, had spent several of his teenage years playing Dungeons and Dragons, “Until I lost my virginity,” he’d joked. Stan was pleased to hear about Maddy’s small collection of old Hammer horror films. Stan decided to ask her to dinner later that week, and Maddy accepted the invitation. When it was time for Maddy to go back to work, Stan wasn’t at all surprised to find he was sorry to see her go.

Stan picked Maddy up at her apartment at 7:15. Fashionably late, he told himself. They were going to dinner at Casa Bonita, a place they both admitted to loving since they were small children. Stan had alterior motives, he wanted to win enough tickets at ski ball to win a stuffed bear for Maddy. He was a fair enough ski-ball player, he should have no troubles.

He stepped up to the big red-bricked building that he hoped was the right one. Maddy lived in a good sized complex south of town, further from the Java Stop that he’s actually expected. A couple kids on bicycles went giggling by. He found number 17 on the ground floor, knocked on the cracked white door, and stood waiting, rocking back on his heels as he did.

A blue-haired girl in a blank tank top and dog collar poked her head out. “Yes?” she asked, looking him up and down.

She’s cute, Stan thought to himself. He noticed only the front part of her hair was dyed blue, the rest was jet black.

“Is Maddy here?” he asked, still rocking on his heels.

“You must be Stan,” the girl smiled. “I’m Maddy’s room mate, Ashley.” She held out a hand, which Stan took. “Maddy’ll be out in just a minute.” Ashley motioned for Stan to come in. He followed her as she bounced back inside, plopping down on a well-worn green and red couch. “Dude’s here!” she half shouted, towards somewhere vaguely behind her.

Maddy must like green, he imagined. The couch, the curtains, the rug, were all the same shade. He figured her bedclothes were probably green too. He wondered what color sheets Ashley had. She’d evidently forgotten him, currently Ashley Blue-Hair was engrossed in a cartoon, surely Japanese, in which a big-eyed woman with pink hair was having some sort of epileptic fit before a bemused looking orange robot.

Stan stood in their living room, hands in his pockets, watching Ashley’s cartoon, now featuring a talking cat. He gave her a slight grin whenever she glanced his way.

Finally, Maddy emerged, she was wearing jeans and a sweater, and had let her hair down. She wasn’t bad looking that way, really. “Ready?” she smiled.

Stan smiled back. “When you are.” he said, leading her out the door.

Casa Bonita was a big, pink, Spanish looking building at the end of a shopping center that also contained a comic book store and a wig shop. As you went in the front doors you had to go past a mounted buffalo head, that head had given Stan the creeps when he was young. Now it looked rather old and mildewy.

Waiting in line, Stan made a joke about the plastic fish display next to where you waited to place your order. Maddy laughed long and hard. Something about the way she laughed made Stan’s heart jump. He thought that was a sound he’d like to hear a lot more of. The way she tossed her head back as she did so. Stan didn’t know that she’d ever be drop-dead gorgeous, maybe never even more than moderately cute, but when she laughed, she was beautiful.

A thought popped into Stan’s head, which he squashed immediately. He was only going to be friends with this girl. Nothing more. Even though the sound of Maddy laughing made him think of everything that was right with the world, she wasn’t anything like the kind of woman Stan had ever pictured himself being with. He shakily convinced himself that he would probably never see her in that light.

They both ordered the enchilada platter. Stan liked the cheese, Maddy wanted chicken.

The Casa Bonita patrons were herded through to the cafeteria counter where they picked up their food and waited to be seated. The interior of the restaurant was done up to resemble a Mexican village, all brightly painted adobe. Wait staff guided people to their seats with glowing bands around their necks or wrists. A bubbly brunette led Stan and Maddy to a booth in a section that was made to look like the interior of a large cave. The booth across from them was occupied by a family whose mother was trying to feed the baby tortilla chips, which he was more interested in throwing on the floor.

“I liked your script.” Maddy said as they sat down to eat. “It was really good, you had a lot of parts that were really funny.”

Stan smiled and said thank you.

“The only part that I really didn’t like was the ending,” she went on. “How come he didn’t get the girl in the end?”

“Isn’t that the way thing usually work?” Stan asked. “And besides, Snacky Love said some really stupid things. Things between them couldn’t be the same after that.”

“True, but it doesn’t always have to be that way.” Maddy dug into her Spanish rice. “Besides, it’s nice to have some hope that not every romance is going to end in pain and failure.”

“I see what you’re trying to say.” Stan shrugged. “But, I mean, the happy ending has been done to death. I wanted to do something different, you know.”

Maddy nodded. “Sure, but cynicism just gets old after awhile. Especially for people like us,” she gestured as she spoke. A dark hair, which was just slightly curly, fell over one bright green eye. Stan felt that lump in his chest again. “ We get so caught up in the idea that anything that’s not ironic or sardonic in some way is somehow inferior.” She paused to take a bite of refried beans. “It would be nice to see some sincerity every once in awhile.”

“It is sincere.” Stan said as he dunked a chip, dripping queso onto his unfinished rice.

”It just doesn’t work out in the end.”

“Well, it is your story.” Maddy smiled coyly at him. “And it’s good, don’t get me wrong. I’d just like to see a happy ending once in a while, that’s all.”

“Maybe one of these days I’ll get to that happy ending.” Stan leaned back. “Right now, it’s the hard, painful ones I’m more familiar with.”

After they’d finished eating and talking about the domestic policies each of them would put in place if one of them should ever happen to become a monarch, they made a beeline for the game room. Stan, for one, had a hankerin’ for some ski-ball.

Somehow, Stan had thought he was better at the game than he actually was. Maddy didn’t turn out to be much better, because between them they only managed to win enough tickets to get five multi-colored plastic frogs. These Maddy carefully arranged on the visors in Stan’s Kia on the way home.

They joked all the way home, and when Stan finally dropped Maddy off, they were both laughing.

Over the next few weeks, Stan and Maddy saw more and more of each other. Stan found himself counting the minutes until he could leave his job at the DMV and make his way to the Java Stop. Maddy began to time her break for the moment Stan’s red Kia pulled into the coffee shop’s parking lot. They began going to dinner, seeing movies, and just spending time together. They seemed to enjoy the same things, there was never a disagreement on what movie to see or where to eat, Stan had never been around such an agreeable person before in his life. In fact, he’d come to realize, he’d begun spending more time with Maddy than he spent with any of his other friends.

Darrell had noticed this too. He brought it up one night as the two of them were playing pool. “So where’s the little girlfriend of yours?” He scratched on the eight ball for the third time in a row, Stan was not ashamed to take a win where he could get one.

Darrell’s question perplexed him, “What girlfriend?”

“The Amish librarian from that coffee shop you’re always hanging out at.” Darrell was rolling his eyes in a you-know-what-I-mean way.

“Oh, that’s just Maddy. She’s a pretty good friend, that’s all. I really like hanging out with her, she’s a lot of fun.” He felt a flush rising in him, he thinks she’s my girlfriend, he thought, is that really a bad thing? He decided not to say anything along those lines, though.

“I don’t know, man, you’ve blown me off for her a couple times now.” He managed a nearly impossible shot, bouncing the cue ball off the bunker six times without coming close to touching a single ball. “I’ve barely seen you for a month. Seems like there’s a little more than friendship going on there.”

Stan shrugged it off, “I’m having fun, that’s all.” He hoped the color in his cheeks wasn’t giving him away.

Darrell apparently decided he didn’t want to argue the point, so he changed the subject. “I say Ray’s kid the other day.” He watched Stan sink the five ball easily.

“How’s he doing, I haven’t seen them in ages, since Lauren was still pregnant.” Stan stood back from the table, gloating.

“The boy’s aggressively unattractive.” Darrell said, waiting patiently for Stan to finish his turn. “It’s entirely possible that the kid’s gonna turn out retarded.”

Stan laughed so hard he bounced the three ball out of the corner pocket. “So he takes after his father, then.” He laughed.

They went on like that for the better part of the next two hours. Darrell didn’t bring Maddy up again. Nevertheless, a doubt began to creep up in Stan’s mind.

Days later, Stan was at Maddy’s apartment. She’d bought Big Fish on dvd, and called Stan over so that they could watch it together. He went to make some microwave popcorn, while she curled up in a blanket on the sofa and started the movie. Stan watched the blue light from the television flicker across Maddy’s face in the darkened room as he carried a hot bowl of popcorn and sat down next to her. They watched the movie in relative silence, making the odd comment here and there, one of them occasionally would let out a little laugh.

Maddy laid her head on Stan’s shoulder, he hadn’t been expecting this and moved away slightly. Maddy looked at him, concerned. Something began to stir inside Stan, he wasn’t entirely sure he liked it. It must have registered on his face, because Maddy addressed it directly “Am I making you uncomfortable?” she asked. The look on her face made Stan uncomfortable. She looked hurt, and the last thing Stan wanted to do was hurt her.

He began to scramble for something to say, anything to get the hurt look off Maddy’s face. “No, no not at all, I just wasn’t expecting it, that’s all.”

Maddy bit her lower lip. Stan didn’t like that expression any more than the other one. He wanted to pull her close, and at the same time he wanted to get in his car and drive away as far as possible.

“Really, so, what do you expect from me?” Stan didn’t want to have this conversation. They had a very nice, simple friendship going, and Stan didn’t want to complicate it by having this conversation. In fact, Stan found he desperately needed to keep the friendship going. There was this other, Darrell had mentioned before, but what if things didn’t work out? What if things ended badly, and they quit talking to each other? No, couldn’t risk it. Wouldn’t risk it. He found it hard to articulate, though. He struggled to find the right words.

“I think you’re a very good friend,” He hoped that was the right thing to say. “One of my best friends, matter of fact.”

“Nothing more?” Maddy asked. Why did she have to look at him like that?

“Well, I, ah, I like you very much, it’s just that, you know....” he trailed off. He felt like a germ under a microscope.

“You’re tiptoeing around the situation.” Maddy was still giving him that look. Stan was feeling more and more insecure. He didn’t know what to say, he felt things slipping further and further from his control.

“I don’t know, it’s just that, I mean, you’re so, you’re not like a lot of the girls I know.” He sighed, exasperated. Why was this so hard? He wanted to tell her everything, but he didn’t want to risk the friendship they’d built over the last few weeks. He felt like he was standing on ice.

“How is that?” Madeleine was beginning to look angry now. Stan wanted to say something clever. Make her laugh. He wanted to make things right again. He’d do anything to make things right again. Instead, he was squirming like an animal caught in a trap.

“It’s just that, I don’t know, you’re so, plain, I guess, I just....”

The entire world seemed to collapse around Maddy’s ears. She thought she could hear her heart breaking. Stan slumped in front of her, his mouth moving, trying to form words. “I’m, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean... I’m sorry.”

Maddy just turned to the television. The end credits had stopped, the menu screen had taken it’s place. Stan let out a long, ragged sigh. She thought she heard him sniff as he got up to leave. “I’m just gonna go now.” he said. Maddy couldn’t say anything. She had no words to describe how hurt and angry she was at that very moment, even if she’d wanted to speak.

Stan left in silence.

Stan sleepwalked through the next few days. he felt heavy, like a large weight had been tied to his guts. He couldn’t eat, not and enjoy it, anyway. Work was just a blur. He visited Darrell, but it just felt empty. Nothing was fun anymore. He couldn’t go to the Java Stop, in fact, he found an entirely new road home, just so he wouldn’t have to drive past it. He slept a lot more, but he never felt rested. All he could think of was Maddy, and how lost he felt without her.

About how he could make things right again.

He had to make things right again. A sliver of hope began to creep up in him. He’d tell her what he felt. He’d tell her how wrong he’d been. In fact, he’d ask her to marry him. That would make things right. He’d tell her he loved her, propose to her right on the spot, and the awful emptiness that filled his life lately would finally go away. He’d tell her all these things, and they would be friends again. Things would be right again. He’d be right again. he practiced his speech, making sure he had it just right for the day he’d have enough courage to talk to Maddy again, face to face.

A great wave of happiness washed over Stan when that day finally arrived. He saw Maddy’s car, a white Ford Taurus, in the parking lot of the apartment complex where she lived. His heart leapt. He could barely contain himself as he knocked on her door, this was it, things would be right once again.

He heard footsteps, the lock turning, then the doorknob. Finally the door swung open and Maddy appeared. Every word he’d practiced, the entire spiel he’d memorized bit for bit anticipating this day, the whole thing evaporated the moment he laid eyes on Maddy’s face. Time seemed to stop, the only thing that existed were him and her standing face to face on Maddy’s doorstep. Stan stood there, trying to wring some words from his breath, which had suddenly become labored. Maddy waited patiently. After what seemed to Stan like an eternity, Stan managed a hoarse “I love you, I’m sorry.”

Maddy took a step towards him, looked back at something inside her apartment, then gave Stan a quick hug. “I’m sorry too,” she whispered in his ear. She pulled away, giving him one last look before going back inside her apartment. She didn’t invite him in.

Stan stood outside, his hands in his pockets. A lump was rising in his throat. That could’ve gone better, he thought to himself. He thought of knocking again, but all he could do was stand there and gaze at Maddy’s welcome mat. He thought of the last scene in Big Fish, when the son released his grip on the giant catfish that had been his father. He stood like that for a moment or so, before getting into his car and pulling away.

Things were different now. He realized that the heavy emptiness was still there, and would probably stay around for awhile. he thought he needed to find something else to do. he’d start by going and getting himself a nice cup of chai.

©2004 Michael Brandon Carroll

[Daughter of the Nine Moons]

Snuffs, I already told you how much I loved this story. I'm so glad you posted it

[snuffypuffer]

You're very welcome, Dot

[The Cheat]

[+joc]

Good one Snuffy!

I'm sorry too sniff sniff sniff

[doomgirl]

great story Snuffy

[snuffypuffer]

Thanks for the words, everybody