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The Bad Advice Game

2,404 posts in this topic

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Lcvec

You have neighbors. After Helen's done using your mallet, take it back and use it to break into your neighbor's apartment to steal their milk. If they are at home and notice you're there, charge at them with the mallet screaming hysterically until they're driven to a corner or bathroom. Take the milk, apologize and offer them some hot coco. Also, leave the mallet at their apartment in case they need anything from other neighbors.

I can't stop drinking water. What can I do? These trips to the kitchen are annoying me.

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Wordless Wanderer

Go outside and fill your mouth with sand and dirt. :tu:

How do I get my foot to sing?

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Lcvec

Buy two of those hellish chinese rubber toys that make weird sounds when you squeeze them. Tape them to your feet so every time you take a step, your feet will make noises. It's close enough to be considered singing.

My eyes are blurry. How can I fix them?

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Wordless Wanderer

Take that cleaning liquid with which we clean glasses and stuff.... put it in your eye. You might go blind but hey they won't be blurry anymore

I want to take Gojira out on a date but he said no, how do I make him say yes?

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Lcvec

The same way you can make everyone else say yes. Point a gun or a knife at his face. He won't even think twice!

How can I be better at multitasking?

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Wordless Wanderer

Grow a pair of arms

How can I talk in spanish without taking lessons

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Lcvec

Put a sombrero on your head and drink a full bottle of tequila. Also, grow a mustache. Don't forget the poncho. Once you've checked all that, you should be able to speak spanish.

How can I improve my dance moves in less than a day?

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Wordless Wanderer

Wear skates and walk. Everyday and everywhere

How do I take over the world

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Lcvec

Find a genie. Ask for immortality, infinite power and an ass like mine. There, now you can take over the world.

How do I build a lightsaber?

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Wordless Wanderer

Take a flashlight. Turn it on in a dark room. Voila!

I want to be Batman

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Lcvec

Spend years training and learning martial arts. Make yourself a genius. Persuade a billionaire to give you his fortune and company. Find a way to grow a few inches.

Sunburns are making me look weird. What can I do about it?

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Helen of Annoy

Don’t look at reflective surfaces, starting with mirrors. If you absolutely have to, spray it over. Any spray paint will do, but I recommend metallic violet. It will make your manliness stick out. After rigor mortis sets in.

Where’s my lighter? Which one of you wants me to live forever? What have I done to deserve this? So, where's it? Where should I look for it?

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acute

Smoke them cold, then they are not so bad for you, and they last longer!

How can I convince people that I am 'well read'?

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Golden Duck

By having the works of Proust tattooed on your person.

How do I become a life coach?

Edited by Mangoze
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PlanB

Play a little professional life. Sit on the bench for a little bit. Get the starting life position when the the first string life player gets injured. Have a respectable life career and you'll be a shoe in to be a life coach.

How do I convince my neighbors to let me hang up Halloween decorations all year long?

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Wordless Wanderer

Hang them at their place.

How do I count how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood

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Golden Duck

Just like Robin Hood you should use what you understood from childhood.

What is the best way to cool down in a heatwave?

Edited by Mangoze

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Helen of Annoy

Run. As fast as you can. The wind will cool you down.

Speaking of running and weather, will I stay dry in rain if I run really fast? Do you recommend any special running in rain technique?

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Golden Duck

Speed is not as important as a high stepping gait - remember "bouncing is better". It's also helpful to wear a white t-shirt - white absorbs less water (this is why you don't mix whites and colours in your washing).

What's the best way to start a conversation on a train ride?

Edited by Mangoze
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Helen of Annoy

First a nice, big hug. Let people know your intentions are good. Then you can immediately tell them something deeply personal, to start developing trust and don’t forget to encourage them to bond with you the same way. Yeast infections are great opening topic, an evergreen you might say.

Is there a conspiracy behind seemingly coincidental fact that people lose keys all the time while they rarely lose locks?

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PlanB

Leave your keys IN your locks on the outside of your house and car doors. That way, you'll always know where they are.

How do I get my cat to stop sticking its butt in my face?

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Helen of Annoy

Blow in it. No, seriously, cats don’t like when you blow at them. Generally speaking. Though it might work ass-wise, telling people to do anything cats don’t like is bad advice.

So, when blowing in cat’s ass, how do you protect your face from getting disfigured?

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PlanB

Cats are known to be reasonable and obedient. Calmly assure it using your best Russell Brand impersonation, and the cat will, at the very least avoid, your eyes.

I somehow got a ketchup stain on my ceiling (this is 100% true). How do I remove it?

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Helen of Annoy

Don’t. Show it to everyone with pride and tell them it’s the blood stain from previous tenant who shot himself through the eye with cork screw launched by Champagne bottle cork suddenly bursting out. It went through his eye, brain and out the top of his head because he had rare hereditary condition that made his scull bone remain opened at the top.

Should I seek professional help?

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PlanB

Depends on the prostitution laws in your country.

How can I wake up earlier feeling less tired?

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