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Bracket

The Bad Advice Game

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acute
On 06/02/2018 at 9:21 PM, Mark One said:

Since Ive cleared out the attic I now have an empty space.  What should I do with it?

Draw a large pentagram on the floor, and use it to perform Satanic Rituals from Anton LeVey's excellent sequel to his popular Satanic Bible.  The only problem is... They are group rituals, so you will need to cultivate some friends by actually meeting people face-to-face.

 

How can I install a camera in my neighbour's apartment without her noticing it?

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Mark One
1 hour ago, acute said:

Draw a large pentagram on the floor, and use it to perform Satanic Rituals from Anton LeVey's excellent sequel to his popular Satanic Bible.  The only problem is... They are group rituals, so you will need to cultivate some friends by actually meeting people face-to-face.

Um, I thought such practices involved cloak and dagger secrecy.  And I`m quite sure such team members always wear a mask to hide their boat?  So all of this tosh about face-to-face networking leads me to the conclusion that your reading the wrong literature, John.

How can I install a camera in my neighbour's apartment without her noticing it?

Dress up as the gas man and knock on her door.  Talk some fannel about a leak in someones apartment - check her appliance.  Now as she makes you a trade union ruled cuppa fix the said camera in place on the wall.  And thats it - she didnt see you install it.

 

The mother in law is visiting and this means hours of tolerance plus the risk of her staying over night.  What can I suggest to her - to get rid as quick as possible? 

Edited by Mark One
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ouija ouija

I have to say I don't have a great deal of sympathy for you. Everyone knows mothers-in-law should be avoided like the plague and yet you wantonly went out and got yourself one! As you have discovered to your cost, they are pretty much impossible to get rid of. Let's start with the worst case scenario: she's announced she's staying the night and has brought her winceyette nightie and little plastic box to put her teeth in, with her. My suggestion might not work so a plan 'B' may be required. Tell her that the neighbours have been talking about her overnight visits and reckon your wife has some competition and are viewing her(the m-in-law) as a real trollop ...... they are convinced that she is not only after your body but your money too. This, of course, will only work if she has any shame. If she views it as a back-handed compliment then you are in more trouble because she will try to move in with you permanently to really get tongues wagging. Have you not got a garden shed you can retreat to? And when I say 'a garden shed' I mean a fully insulated, 20' x 20', lockable construction with electricity, water and heating where you can use your computer and a tv. Other features would be: a fridge, a cooker, a very comfy chair and a very comfy bed. If you haven't got a garden 'shed' then you need to get started on it pronto! With a bit of luck it will be completed before she comes to stay for Christmas. Afterthought: IGNORE any objections your wife may have to this; tell her you're thinking of renting it out to raise some extra cash. DO NOT LET HER HAVE A KEY!!!!!

I would like to end all pain and suffering in the world ...... what would be a quick and easy way to do this? I can only spend a couple of hours a week on it and probably only for the next couple of months. 

   

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Mark One

Get yourself down to the charity shop and scope the area for anything genie-in-a-lamp like.  To make things easier start a charity shop style collection of small jars, oil lamps, empty miniatures etc and rub them all at least once per day.  This should easily allow for your twice a week - next couple of months restrictions.  Just think about it, once your house is heavily stocked with pot and glass you`ll have no choice but to rub against it all - and hopefully hit the jackpot (at some point) and summon a Djinn.  When its darkened mist like outlook forms into a animal or person, demand your three wishes.  Make sure your first wish is for the well-being of the world as the other two are extra-dimensional scams that always end up blowing up in your face.  So to summarize:  Heaven on earth with you potless(wish number 2:wealth) and homeless(wish number 3: A mansion that then fell into a sinkhole) Oh, one last thing before you begin- its best to check the risk of earthquakes in your area.  We dont want to learn that Ouija is in hospital with 25,000 glass wounds.

...

Now I too did the rags to riches charity shop pottery hunt and was successful (from my reinforced shed, with guard dogs) in releasing a Djinn.  Problem is it looks very similar to the monster-in-law and even talks like her *yikes* So erm *nervous* any tips or tactics on how to utilize my 3 wishes.  Please hurry as she it is gazing at me with a very familiar, disdainful look on her boat..

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