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Evil Overlord Career Guide


emmy
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Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays

well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own

hours. However, every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or

seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the

end. I`ve noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian

lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they

always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time.

Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass

visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed,

not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my

dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept

on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by

the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The

same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing

them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before

you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?"

I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot

him then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married

immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in

three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be

carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless

absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large

red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button

marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on

anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF

switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a

small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no

need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or

leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child.

Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected

before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several

rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the

bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as

any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the

aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or

any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I

find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it

to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just

putting his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you,

there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen

to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned

attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a

fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she

was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd

betray her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not

indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to

miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual

could adjust to accordingly.

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original

uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap

knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman

footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually

defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited

power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my

troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to

neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue

energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a

handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and

weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the

job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I

AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct

any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except

for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion

are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not

desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before

ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All

important systems will have redundant control panels and power

supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two

fully loaded weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it

cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my

enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and

cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death.

My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have

no source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced

with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected

reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his

sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me

bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers

are hard to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my

organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better

with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely

from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look

diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member

of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same

cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important

prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person

instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the

prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are

losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted

lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or

offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed

immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring

feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not

ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek

out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an

unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as

possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky

time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog,

monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal

capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him

around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture

the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power

and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just

let her in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those

who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like

even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is

responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my

general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say

"And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill

some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What

can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the

advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy

me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of

waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or

technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever

broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can

destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it.

Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly

put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating

system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and

Macintosh powerbooks.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over

the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will

immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and

surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret

passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never

marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well"

and kill her.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt

to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their

place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on

important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will

first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would

attract less attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship.

Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will

be used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will

carefully read the owner's manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose

dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher

any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under

30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to

passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a

mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that

satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding

structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a

firefight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not

compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense

about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable

intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all

extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which

could prove to be a disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with publically available

terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room

clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the

Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as

Sewage Overflow Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner.

Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts

the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by

repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards

will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction

as a full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past.

This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so.

However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to

spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will

be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed

in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by

creatures of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will

always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so

that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the

other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup,

instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she

should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of

marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange

device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional

weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a

rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is

impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed

so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the

details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave

it lying on top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en

masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off

and attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him

and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I

will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle

of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth

considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the

hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will

retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant

is out of earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken

alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is

reasonably practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch,

as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made

into limited-edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send

out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively

stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have

disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances

behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of

quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in

front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous,

unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet,

then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new

drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not

to switch with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the

opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly

complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred

altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total

eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the

button."

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and

properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in

use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not

berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try

the task again.

89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not

immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I

believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the

hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every

workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted

and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current

entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt

him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me

new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves

me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely

return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly

gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an

underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the

hero is scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to

stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete

with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his

cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch

a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the

control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the

control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that

contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will

carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and

affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have

forced them together against their will and they spend all their

time bickering and criticizing each other except during the

intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at

which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately

order their execution.

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb

in size.

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a

mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited

Internet access.

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