Moe's big adventure

[moe eubleck]

Part one

(sketch by snuffypuffer)

She was as happy a cow as ever a cow could be. Her tail swung to and fro, batting away bothersome insects as she tended to a juicy patch of grass. It tasted wholesome and sweet. Not like the grass by the darkside of the barn. No. That grass was dry and full of mushrooms. This cow did not particularly care for the effects the mushrooms seem to have on her. Cows were not meant to experience the dancing joojoobees. And this was how she prefered it.

A cool breeze carressed her spotted black hide, causing her to moo softy. The long grasses danced and the wind carried a flight of autum leaves to swirl across the green pasture. But this was a peacful moment that would soon pass. The cow's happy mooing was suddenly drowned out by a deafening modulation of cataclysmic proportions.

"AAAAAAaaaaarrghh....... !! "

It was thunderous, that note. The racket frightened the poor cow on such a scale that she began to choke on her meal. Anyone who has ever seen a coughing cow, will tell you that it is a most deeply intrusive scene. The afterimage would forever haunt the unforunate witness.

"AAAAAAaaaaarrghh......... !! "

The pigs were also deeply wounded by this sonorous reverberation. Up untill this event, they were rolling and routing in the mud as pigs will do. Afterwards they began running around their housing. They began squealing. Bumping into eachother, causing such a racket that old Farmer Momo left his wooden rocker to investigate. He quickly dressed in some tattered breeches then sped off to investigate this disturbance

On his way to the pig pen, he stopped in the barn to grab a pitchfork. And a grand pitchfork it was. It was all that remained of his father who passed away only a few weeks ago. A stampede of raging pigs had been the old mans fate. Infact farmer Momo was still in mourning. If not for his resentment towards all things piggly, he may had never risen from his drunken stupor to investigate.

But this night would be different. This night farmer Momo vowed such vengence upon the evil swine. He gripped his trusty pitchfork then strode out to meet his destiny.

"AAAAAAaaaaarrghh......... !! "

Upon hearing this earth shattering intonation, Momo stoped dead in his tracks. The farmer has never heard anything so offensive or harrowing. What could it be? What supernatural force could produce such a clamour ? No dragons had been seen in these parts for centuries. Certainly not an Ulryn. The bear folk had signed a treaty long ago that protected these lands from invasion.

"AAAAAAaaaaarrghh......... !! "

The last one startled Momo considerabley. He jumped into the air, white as a beakless goose. .Mumbling about dancing joojoobees, he fled back into the barn. Momo had lost all resolve and nerve as he dove into a hay stack. This proved to be an excellent sound barrier. Momo made a mental note of it before he passed out.

"AAAAAAaaaaarrghh......... !! "

The horses dunked thier heads in thier water troughs and a few sheep dropped dead in the pastures.The last one also caused a flock of pidgeons to make an early southward migration. Consequently, these were the only creatures to ever solve the mystery of the Great Argh. Which is what it was called in the animal kingdom.

"AAAAAAaaaaarrghh......... !! "

As the pidgeons continued thier migration, the land bagan to change beneath them. Soon agriculture gave way to rolling green plains dotted with oaken volleys. They followed a placid river south. Below them, occasional fish broke the calm the surface with thier rainbow hued scales, causing ripples to flutter with the cool breeze.

It was there on the river banks that they spotted the source of The Great Argh. To thier suprise ,it was no dragon. Nor was it an angry Ocelot who had stomped its own tail. Nor was it a dancing drunken Joojoobee , screaming nonsense at a winking wombat.

It was a Moe Eubleck. And he had just spilled the contents of his backpack in a great heap behind him.

"AAAAAAaaaaarrghh......... !! "

This Moe Eubleck was known for his clumsiness. He was tall and awkward, and his chain mail tunic made it difficult for him to see where he was walking. But this day clumsiness was not the source of Moe's frustration. It was a hole in his back pack due to plain bad luck. Moe addressed this issue with one last argh.

"AAAAAAaaaaarrghh......... !! "

" Why does this always happen to me," Moe sunk to his knees in defeat.." Its not fair. just not fair." Running a hand through his matted dark tresses, he removed his pack and began to inspect the hole. Seemed that it had started weeks ago as a small tear. Days of trekking through endless grassland had worn it to its last thread. Moe poked his face through the aperture and found welcomed darkness in the backpacks interior.

At this point , all that could be seen of Moe's head was was the outline of his bulbous nose. But he didnt care. Moe was travel worn and angry. He very much wanted to fall asleep with the backpack on his head. This would have been the case if not for the laughter that suddenly errupted from beside him. Moe knew that laugh. It was mocking and cynical and made him want to stay hidden forever.

" Go away Zanth." said Moe with a muffled voice." I am retiring.This is my new home now. Let me rest in peace."

A clawed hand pulled the backpack off of Moe's head and he saw a small reptillian face staring at him dubiously. Even while kneeling, Zanth barely stood past Moe's torso. For he was a pocket dragon and they were no larger than hound dogs. Black leathery wings sprang from his back and his blue scales glimmered in the afternoon sun.

Zanth cocked hes head to one side a made a half smile.." I think I know what the problem is Moe," he mocked." Its the debris behind you that belongs in your pack. Not your head."

Moe continued to pout. " Its not fair. I just want to sleep now. Sleep is good."

The pocket dragon sighed and gazed about. They had stoped on a grassy knoll at the edge of a river. It seemed like as good a place as any to set up camp. " Allright Moe, " Zanth shrugged ." You go ahead and set up. I shall catch some supper. I just saw a flight of some rather juicy looking pidgeons." With a mighty leap and span of wings Zanth was soon speeding towards the distant flock.

... to be continued

Edited April 6, 2005 by moe eubleck

[Tillghast]

I luv it!

[Me_Again]

And now we know where moe has been

[Daughter of the Nine Moons]

Moe that was brilliant!

[PolkaTulk]

i really liked the part where the cow ate the 'shrooms

good story! post the rest soon

[snuffypuffer]

This is great, it's like an anti fantasy. You give the impression that Moe has quite a past. I know you want honest criticism, Moe, but I honestly can't find anything to pick at.

[+joc]

NewsWeek says, It is utterly Moe at his best!

Time Magazine: A Demonstrable Demonstration of Demonstrating the Demonstrable!

CBS says, We can't prove the story isn't true so we'll just go with it!

Good one Moe

[Scorpius]

Haven't seen you in awhile moe, especially during the aftermath of the Great Ocelot Wars.

And now you've come back with a novel full of imagery and of course the main character...kinda reminds me of someone

Can't wait what adventures your counterpart will go through.

[moe eubleck]

thanks for the positive feed back everyone. I put more time into this than my random UM postings. I'm glad you liked it. This brings me much joy.

[The Cheat]

were you seeing the drunken jujubees while writing this?

lol j/k

its great moe!

[Guest Lottie]

Moe, I love it! Hurry up and write some more pleeeease!!

[moe eubleck]

thanx lottie and the cheat !

Moe is in the process of writing more. There are many revisions in the works tho. It may be another week.

[Kryso]

Moe is full of surprises.

Not only do you keep us smiling and cheer our day with your interesting and funny narratives, but you are also an accomplished writer! Moe is truly an onion, with many different layers. I think we have yet to understand the deeply complicated and articulate Moe.

Great story.

Glen

[moe eubleck]

Ah the great Kryso has spoken. Thank you for your encouraging words. I hope that someday my bizarre fiction shall be standing on store book shelves next to your own great work.

[Sunlit_Coyote]

Cant wait to see the next layer .................LOL

[magic charm]

moe, that was brill, liked it very much, can't wait for more

[aliens_exist_luzerpunk182]

great story moe!hehe

[moe eubleck]

We thank you for your patience, friends of Moeness. Part 2 will be fourthing coming and we shall post it this weekend. This is Moe's promise to you all.

Now go and be jazzed , love crumpets.

[snuffypuffer]

We do verily look forward to this.

[moe eubleck]

As promised, here is part 2.

Two very important things happen in this chapter. It sets the tone of this anti - fantasy. So hop aboard the Moe train, cats and dig this groovy jazz.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

illustration by snuffypuffer

Part 2

Zanth's little problem

".... wah ? no.... no..! I shall not wear such things around my neck !.. no! You like it , you wear it....."

The muffled tones roused Zanth from his afternoon nap. Sighing wearily, the pocket dragon opened his eyes to see what Moe was babbling about.

"... its not wholesome. keep it away from me... Im telling you . What ? No, n- no.!"

Zanth raised himself from an ivory pedestal . He gazed wearily about the ruined fort around him, tyring to locate his babbling companion.There were many crumbling halls of cracked stone archways. The midday sun shown brightly through this roof less skeleton, revealing a cloud masked sky.

Indeed, once a great and jazzy fortress did stand here. But time is the cruelest on all things beautiful. This was no exception. For the once great watch towers on each corner of the square keep , had fallen into piles of rubble decades ago.

The ruin did make for a swell resting point though, and this is why the pair had agreed to do such a thing .. The walls though cracked, still provided ample shade for any weary traveller to rest comfortably under. Also was the issue of cover. For wyverns hunted these plains. Many a travelers tale had been told about such sweeping death from the skies.

But time and death was not on the mind of little Zanth on that day.It was his concern for the tall , clumsy human, he called his friend. For Moe's babbling continued endlessly as he peered around crumbling halls., ascended dusty stone staircases and disturbed many a critter of places dark. It truly sounded as if Moe was arguing with someone . This concerned Zanth greatly, for he had secured the camp prior to his nap. The patrol had revealed no other presence so the pocket dragon has slept soundly. Zanth was beginning to question his methods of security until such a time as he discovered Moe's whereabouts.

Indeed, for when Zanth finally spotted Moe, he was no longer on the path of a wanderer but that of a wonderer. It was incredulous wonder. The type of wonderment that makes ones jaw drop and eyes gape The type of wonder that makes one desire a good stiff ale.. For sitting before a ruined alter was a Moe eubleck . Indeed, Moe was deep in conversation. Zanth had no doubt about this. Tis true. One at first glance may well have assumed such a thing. But upon closer inspection, one would soon come to realize that Moe was the only one in the room.

" well.. I dunno. " Moe continued, unaware that Zanth was watching. " Maybe I can sell it or something . Ya think ? Ok then. Maybe it will feed us when we reach town... no... no you are right I am sorry, ."

Zanth slowly backed away with a disturbed brow. He had witnessed such strangeness before from Moe. But never had he seen Moe speaking to a brick wall as if it were an old friend. He had discovered denial to be the best way to deal with such things . unfortunately while making his retreat, Zanth accidently kicked a small pebble and at this Moe did stop. He smiled warmly at the pocket dragon, then gave a mocking salute.

" Hello Zanth, " he greeted. " Did you enjoy your nap?"

Zanth nodded and smiled quickly.

" Good. You looked tired and.... what ? " Moe turned to the crumbled wall on his left and began speaking to it again.." Really, now Bobb. This is no way to talk about an old friend ...."

" wha.. ?" Zanth stammered. " Who ... ?? "

" No Bobb. " Moe continued. " That was rude. You must apologize ."

Zanth shook his head, rubbed his temples."Moe may I have a word with you ?" he grabbed by his tunic collar. " Not to waste any of your precious time, but to whom or what are you speaking ?? I have yet to succeed in identifying anyone capable of holding a coversation with you. Considering I have just entered, and you have been babbling for quite some time now. It is my conclusion Moe, that you are either completely insane, or this is a very bizarre dream in which I hope to wake from very soon." Zanth blinked, noticing something new " Unless of course, you are speaking to the dead rat that you are sitting upon."

Moe looked down , noticing a tail protruding form his right buttock. Moe was very concerned about this. So he stood and cradled the fallen rodent in both hands. He felt very unjazzed " Aww poor little fellow." he stroked the rats flattened hide. "I hope i didn't hurt the little thing ." Moe sighed . "You would think that it would have atleast squeaked. If a large butt was about to sit on my head, I know I would squeak with much might .."

Zanth snorted " It probably did squeak ,Moe. But you were too busy talking to that wall over there."

Moe a made a few loud squeaks, then suddenly looked at where Zanth had pointed. He made a face. " Now Bobb ! That is no way to talk to an old friend. " He glared at the wall in a most unwholesome manner, twirling the dead rat by its tail.

" Excuse me ?" Zanth was bewildered. " The last time I checked, my name was not Bobb. "

" oh sorry". Moe laughed, thinking that Zanth was joking. " Centonbobb Michabo. " He nodded . then smiled expectantly.

"wha..? " Indeed. Zanth was well accustomed to Moe's random phrases. Such was the way of the Moe. But they were usually spoken in a recognizable dialect. This was no exception. Zanth was convinced that Moe had finally cracked.

" Centonbobb Michabo. Centonbobb Michabo. " Moe repeated.." Bobb is his new nickname. He likes when I call him Bobb. It is a jazzy name is it not ? "

Zanth stared at Moe without speaking.

"Zanth . Are you alright ?" he placed a concerned hand upon Zanth's scaled shoulder. " Im worried about you Zanth.. You look like I just shot bugs from my nostrils." Moe turned to the east wall. " Well... yes. Sorta . HAHAHA. That funny Bobb.!! " he smiled at the pocket dragon." hey Zanth."

Zanth did not respond.

" Hey Zanth !" Moe shook him. " Guess what Bobb just told me ! Zanth ? You need to hear this one..."

" MOE.. " Zanth shouted, startling the warrior.. " Bobb ? Bobb? You are naming walls now ? Whats next, Moe ? Old granny Joan will rise rom the grave and bake you cookies ? "

Moe looked hurt and somehow, this made Zanth feel as if he had just kicked a dog. " I don't see how Granny Joan has anything to do with cookies. She baked ham. And it was green and .... "

Zanth silenced him with a finger. " Now lets just be reasonable about this "Bobb' situation. " he cleared his throat. " Am I correct in assuming that Bobb is that wall. " He gestured to the east wall.

Moe laughed, pointed west. " No hes over there now. "

Zanth sighed. " What I was asking Moe, was wether Bobb is a wall or not . "

Moe's brow came together. " A wall ? don't be silly . Why are you being like this , Zanth?Centonbobb Michabo ? " he gestured to the space in front of him. ". Ya know. Big white rabbit ? Jazzy top hat ? Hes been with us for years. You telling me you never noticed him before ? How anybody can miss someone like Bobb, is beyond me"

Zanth blinked.

" Anyway" Moe removed something from his pocket and held it before Zanth. It was a trinket of some sort. A crude lead carving of what appeared to be a talon. Within the talon's grasp, rested a small crystal. " When the light hits it just right .." Moe held it under the roofless sky. As the sun peaked from behind dark clouds, the crystal caught the pale rays projecting rainbow hued shafts upon the age old dust. Bot Moe and Zanth were momentarily transfixed " Yeah . Isn't it pretty ? "

Zanth was forced to agree.

" Anwyay, Bobb thinks I should sell it for food. when we get to town.." Moe closed his hand over the trinket, plunging them into momentary darkness. . " What do you think Zanth ? Treasure or tinker ? "

" well moe," Zanth conceded. " Who am I to argue with a big white rabbit in a top hat.? " He patted Moe on the shoulder. Then Zanth . leapt high . With leathery wings flapping, he was soon speeding towards the light.

© 2004 - Kevin Baker

Edited April 3, 2005 by moe eubleck

[snuffypuffer]

Moe has an imaginary friend. Or is he imaginary? I dig the nutty buddiness.

[Daughter of the Nine Moons]

Brilliant as always Moe

[The Cheat]

moe that was wonderful.... keep it coming!!

"If a large butt was about to sit on my head, i know i would squeak with much might"

that is quote of the day right there. lol

[doomgirl]

great story Moe, I had missed reading your writing from when we were just kids in the UM sandbox

[Guest Lottie]

Hurrah! Finally the next installment! Its fabulous Moe!!! You know what I think you should be doing with this...