Confused soul seeking your help please (long)

[seekingthetruth1987]

Greetings to all,

I have been reading this forum for a long time now and admire the community and its unique look at life.

I am in my mid 20s and am very confused with what is going on. After seeking the help of therapists, psychiatrists, and other forms of guidance, I still feel that someone on here might be able to help me. I need to see some sort of bigger picture. I experience high anxiety daily and rapid thoughts go through my head. These anxieties I experience inhibit pretty much ever facet of my life. I am going to provide you with a brief history of my life that will give you a look at my past if you want to chime in. I want to get a different perspective from all of you. These responses would mean more than the world to me at this state. I honestly don't think I am good at handling regular life situations. Please offer anything you have to say, and even if you read this and do not want to respond, any words of encouragement will definitely help me.

History:

Age:

0-6: I do not have much memory of these times. I do remember playing tee ball, being afraid to go to school, fear of reading out loud in front of others, and always felt unique. My teachers always told my parents I had a kind heart and got along with all of the other children. I felt out of place.

7-10: I was made fun of at school for reasons unknown. Perhaps it was my kindness, my ability to be outgoing and accept people for who they were, and compassionate nature. This bullying really put my mind into a bad place. I was highly sensitive and internalized a lot of that pain.

Also, in this period of time, my father resurfaced a drinking problem in which he would go out every month to month and a half and come home drunk and I remember being very scared. We would now refer to these as benders. He was never physically abusive, but I have came to the conclusion that the verbal assault toward my mother traumatized me in some way. In fact, other than his drinking, my father has always been great to me. He has always told me he is proud of me, encouraged me to become a good baseball player, taught me to play the guitar, etc. Despite all of this, it has been really difficult for me to build a real bond with him. My mother also was dealing with this stress in an unhealthy way and taking it out on my and my siblings.

11-14: I found skateboarding and immersed myself into becoming a better skater. Looking back on it now, I tried to become perfect at it instead of honoring its artistic and leisure integrity. I spent most of my time skating with my friend we will wall Kay. Kay was my first real friend. We had sleepovers, talked about girls, watched movies... all that fun stuff kids do. During this time at school, we were both teased at school. I was and at one point I had enough of it and decided to join the popular crowd. I played football, baseball, acted a fool, made fun of others, integrated with them (despite them still putting me down at times). After I had established myself in this crowd I felt instant gratification like a the rat that finally reaches the cheese at the end of the maze. I was the rabbit that finally got the carrot. I got the carrot quite often.

Despite getting the carrot, I had "girlfriends" in grade school and most of the time I always worried that my new "friends" would take them from me. In a lot of cases these toxic friends did. They also did many other things which hurt me but I felt the need to cling onto them. It hurt quite a bit. After graduation, I went to a different school where I did not see any of these other kids and it was a breath of fresh air.

15-19: During these years of my life, I thought I would be happier, but I was not. I knew a lot of people and a lot of people knew me, but very rarely got close to them. I was a good student (despite my anxiety). I developed a relationship with a woman we will call D. D and I were both from rough upbringings. Her father had left her mother years earlier and looking back on it now, we were very toxic. Of course all of the initial fluttery feelings wore away due to my insecurity and worry, but she still stayed with me. I do not know if it is because I am truly a good person, or that she just couldn't let go. I think it was a combination of the both. She saw the good in me, didnt want to hurt me, and also did not know what to do. We were 15. I felt myself becoming a bitter person. We projected a lot of our discontent on each other, but did not know how to get out of it. We were both trapped.

I also started smoking cigarettes frequently and it seemed to distract my mind. This grew into an addiction that I have still been able to kick.

Binge drinking is the passing time hobby of my neighborhood, so that is what we all did. We drank every weekend. It was the goal to get really drunk. At least, in my mind that's what it was. These were the years where I sculpted my conditioned alcohol abuse. It was widely accepted in my area, so I never thought it to be a problem. I rarely experienced blackouts, but definitely drank well beyond what I should have.

This relationship with D ended when I was 19 years old and I was wrecked. After heated arguments, jealous fits, and moments of rage, we split. I had no idea what was going on in my life. Had I wasted the years of my life? Letting someone that deep into my life, spending every waking second with them, and then having them gone tore my heart out. I feared that she would tell everyone how unstable I was becoming.I dropped out of college. Began drinking once a week to the point of no recollection and delved into the nightclub scene. My father went through AA and successfully completed it and has since been sober.

20-24: These were rough years for me. I had girls I was interested in, but never could speak up. We had platonic talks, nights out, coffee, etc, but I could not break through into getting things set in a relationship setting. After this I jumped around from fling to fling. These flings were not always sexual. I craved emotional relationships. I let them and just let them sit there and never develop. My alcohol fueled behaviors made some of them leave me I am sure, but all I ever wanted was love. To this day, I dwell on old times and how foolish I was sometimes. I broke some hearts, mine was broken a few times. The problem was... I didn't know what love was and still question if it even exists. I never tried antidepressants, but I did try anxiolytics and they sure helped, but made me feel flawed. They made me feel like I was cheating the system. Without them, I become very defensive of other people around me. During these years it was not uncommon for me to have panic attacks, insomnia, and odd sleeping patterns. I found some kind of meaning in the work of Robert Anton Wilson. Also, I began to see a therapist to address some of this and it helped minimally. Facebook also toys with my mind.

With some kind of strength, I managed to go back to college and get a degree. It was not easy. I pretended like it was, but it wasn't for me. Although I am a bright guy, my anxiety always finds its way into affecting something. Weekend drinking grew wild. I had frequent blackouts. Frequently I woke up hearing from my parents about my behavior. My hangovers lasted days. They were emotional and physically draining.

24 1/2: I met a woman that I am currently seeing and I care deeply for her. We are at about 7 months. The first few months were fantastic and we have had our share of arguments, but sometimes they just hurt me so much. I feel drained. I feel contained at times. I feel out of touch with some of my friends, but we see each other on occasion. I see a therapist once a week and I have abstained from alcohol (drinking very minimally on occasion). To my suspicion, she has some unresolved issues in herself that are wearing down on me at times. The combination of our problems is the result of some very energy consuming arguments. I contribute some of it to growing up. We have some great times together though too. At times, we will get into an argument, she will tell me that she can't do this anymore. We are planning on working on it and we currently are, but yesterday we got into an argument where she said she was completely done. I looked deeply into myself and spoke from the heart and told her: Never have I wanted to hurt you if I did. I care deeply about you and this is not going to be easy for me, but we cannot have these arguments that play a toll on each other like this. I told her that the impact she has had on my life has been so enriching and I do not regret one second of it. She grew calm and I asked her if she had anything that she had to say. She told me that she did not want to break up. So we decided not to.

I did get into a graduate program I applied for and am looking forward to that, but I do not want to have this relationship I have affect it. Without her, I would feel as if I lost something beautiful. I do not want to leave her, but it wears away at me at times. I feel as if I have lost some of my identity. How can I see this differently? How can I see the bigger picture? How do I get stronger?

25: So here I am writing to all of you in this excellent community because I have placed a lot of value on the threads conjured here. It would take hundreds of pages to explain the entire dynamics of my life, but I just continue to worry. I have no idea why. Why is there worry? When I was single, I did not worry about a thing in the world. I felt more content chasing what I could never get. I am looking forward to school this fall, but I am not sure how to handle this anxiety. I am not sure how to see the bigger picture with all of this social distortion of the world. How do I see inside of myself to find out exactly what I need? I feel like there is something in plane sight, but I just cannot see it.

Thank you all in advance for reading this and I look forward to reading what you have to say. I hope big ball of loving energy rushes through your body as you do, because as mundane as this may sound, this post has helped me alleviate some of the anxiety I am experiencing.

With love and compassion from my soul to yours,

T

[_Only]

I am not sure how to see the bigger picture with all of this social distortion of the world. How do I see inside of myself to find out exactly what I need? I feel like there is something in plane sight, but I just cannot see it.

Thank you all in advance for reading this and I look forward to reading what you have to say. I hope big ball of loving energy rushes through your body as you do, because as mundane as this may sound, this post has helped me alleviate some of the anxiety I am experiencing.

With love and compassion from my soul to yours,

T

Have you tried meditation? I have a racing mind and anxiety too, but I finally tried meditation out (after a long time of considering it not even a possibility because I would never be able to do it) and was surprised that even a speedy nut like me was calmed and started seeing real self-reflection out of it. So I'm proof positive that even people who are totally spinning in their head with anxiety can see real results from meditation.

You can expect the usual calming effects from it, feelings of peace and love (sometimes very intense), many past memories coming back which can make you think about them in new, helpful, real ways that you can apply to your current situation, you will likely begin asking more inner questions about yourself and really start thinking about them and learning, the good possible benefits go on and on. Those are just some I experience. It may be different for you, but though the potential good benefits are great, the potential downsides are pretty much non-existent. So it might be worth thinking about trying.

I didn't know anything about meditation when I started doing it. I just had the idea in my head that it could possibly help somehow so it was worth a shot, put intent to it, lied back, and breathed. Things have gotten better since, and my world has gotten a lot more interesting.

[everwonder]

Sounds to me like might be a lil regret and some depression fron the past.. almost everyone has been in that situation before.. but u learn and grow from them and that what makes a better person. Me myself I quit thinkin about my past and let all the bad stuff go and looked to where I wanted to go and focused on that. And everything else seems to fall in place and a great peace of mind comes with it and the big picture becomes more clear.. and one thing that helped me was the saying... "everything happens for a reason"... and "one door in life closeing opens up another one". Good luck

[+ouija ouija]

My first thought is that what you describe is fairly typical of a male in his 20's. You're perhaps a little bit more introspective than some, but otherwise, I don't see any big dramas ...... other than those that involve alcohol. Maybe try not to analyse everything ....... life just is what it is ....... live it!

I agree with 'everwonder' regarding focussing on the positive, focus on what you DO want not what you don't. Of course it's good to learn from past mistakes but if that is mainly what you focus on then you're missing out on the present and not planning properly for the future.

Edited May 27, 2012 by ouija ouija

[Bella-Angelique]

Seriously, if things are that bad at seven months end it and move on.

Be a realist.

[WoIverine]

FYI, look in a mirror and slap yourself. If you don't feel better, rinse, repeat.

Edited May 27, 2012 by Spid3rCyd3

[Habitat]

Yeah, this is not exactly a heart-rending tale. What seems to be the main problem ? You can't make up your mind whether to continue a somewhat less than wonderful relationship, and you want someone else to point you to the right choice ? Lucky you don't have a bunch of kids, or common assets to start a tug-of-war over. In the heirarchy of real world problems, this one only rates high to the narcissist himself.

[Princess Tumbleweed]

7-10: I was made fun of at school for reasons unknown. Perhaps it was my kindness, my ability to be outgoing and accept people for who they were, and compassionate nature. This bullying really put my mind into a bad place. I was highly sensitive and internalized a lot of that pain.

I'm confused by the not knowing why you were teased, was it random different things they would do? Made fun of your name. haircut, hair color, skin tone, the way you talked? It seems to have effected you but you don't know what they were teasing you about. It could give you an answer to some of the insecurities you feel if you remember.

Also, in this period of time, my father resurfaced a drinking problem in which he would go out every month to month and a half and come home drunk and I remember being very scared. We would now refer to these as benders. He was never physically abusive, but I have came to the conclusion that the verbal assault toward my mother traumatized me in some way. In fact, other than his drinking, my father has always been great to me.

It could have been a lot worse, some have to deal with alcoholism in their everyday life, living unstable and losing everything from the dis function. You realize how it hurt you to see your father this way and now you are putting yourself in the same situation by drinking, now would be the time to reflect on how much drinking mean to you and would you ever want your future family to see you this way?

I never tried antidepressants, but I did try anxiolytics and they sure helped, but made me feel flawed. They made me feel like I was cheating the system. Without them, I become very defensive of other people around me. During these years it was not uncommon for me to have panic attacks, insomnia, and odd sleeping patterns.

You had a medication that worked but you felt like you were cheating the system? If you had a heart condition and needed to take medication or you would die would that still be cheating? If you had dandruff would you buy shampoo to get rid of it or just suffer because it was the card you were dealt? I have had nighttime anxiety in the past and my sleeping schedule was messed up because I worked nights. I tried all kinds of sleep medication and they made me feel hungover or have bad sleep. Someone told me to try Melatonin, it's all natural and non addictive and you can find it in the vitamin section. It worked for me. Look it up and read on it maybe it will help you.

I did get into a graduate program I applied for and am looking forward to that, but I do not want to have this relationship I have affect it. Without her, I would feel as if I lost something beautiful. I do not want to leave her, but it wears away at me at times. I feel as if I have lost some of my identity. How can I see this differently? How can I see the bigger picture? How do I get stronger?

You have to find out who you are and love yourself, your girlfriend does not define who you are, you do. Make a list of priorities and then put them in order of what needs to be done first, then stick to it. Congratulations on getting into your graduate program

I am looking forward to school this fall, but I am not sure how to handle this anxiety. I am not sure how to see the bigger picture with all of this social distortion of the world. How do I see inside of myself to find out exactly what I need? I feel like there is something in plane sight, but I just cannot see it.

Take Onlys advice on meditation and listen to what ouija ouija and everwonder said about thinking on what you do want instead of what you do not want.

Good luck Seekingthetruth1987, please post more, giving opinions on topics can be very therapeutic.

[Ashotep]

Sounds like your relationship is not a good one and its stressing you out. And you've only been together 7 months, what will it be like after 7 years.

[Vatic]

Google: INTJ Personality

[CommunitarianKevin]

Get on medication for anxiety.

Surround yourself with better friends.

Get some confidence (whether it is through your education or you could start lifting weigths, buy some nicer clothes.) You will have problems with women until you get some confidence (and this applies after you get into a relationship.)

Break up with the girl. You need to find someone you don't argue with on a regular basis. The relationship should be natural, not a chore.

[Bendy Demon]

When there is stress in the family, it affects everyone in different ways.

Maybe you just felt out of control and needed some way to vent your anger and frustration but didn't know how (obviously the drinking and cigarettes was not the way to go).

I don't know what I can say that would help you except that sometimes the adversity we experience doesn't seem to come to a head until later in life, I am experiencing this myself and it is hard to drag oneself out, platitudes just don't work.

I guess all I can say is to find better friends, a better environment and even better female friends...trust me, even though I ma female myself I find my own gender hard to understand at times.

I hope things start to turn around for you.

[Habitat]

It is a great blessing in life to have as your major "problems", stuff you can just walk away from without further obligation or consequences. Cast around a bit and see what other people have to deal with, without the ability to opt out, and you'll be glad to return to your own lot, and have a better perspective to deal with it. That of course involves being less self-absorbed, and seeing that others have issues that are as real to them, as your's are to you. As a little thought experiment, would you swap your lot with that of a person drawn at random from the world's population ? If the answer is no, then count your blessings.

[ImaLoner]

Seriously, if things are that bad at seven months end it and move on.

Be a realist.

I tend to agree with Bella (and a few others who are of this opinion). Think like this: If you are having trouble at 7 months, it's not generally a good sign. If you feel that "drained" after 7 months, just imagine how you'll feel after 7 years of it. Life is too short to waste time on someone who has to improve to be the right one. This doesn't mean she is a bad person, but sometimes good people just tend to not bring out the best in one another, through no real fault of either party. Your anxiety is fed by this relationship, it seems. It also seems that if you hold on for now, it will suffocate you both (and may lead to some ugly bitterness) later on And.. just my humble opinion, but if you were taking meds that WORKED, why stop? As for your childhood.. I'm sure many of us can recount quite similar stories, myself included. It does suck to feel out of place and to be picked on, BUT the good part about that is, you have the power to be who you want to be and to drop away all of that old baggage. I have. It's liberating. The more you hold on to those old feelings, the more you are placing the power back into the hands of those people who made you feel so bad. And when you think about it, those people are probably no longer the same way they were back then, so you're essentially letting MEMORIES of 7 to 10 year old kids have power over the present you. Don't forget those things, because they are what makes you who you are today, and will also shape the improved (as to your standards) you of tomorrow, but don't let yourself believe those things either. Kids can be cruel. Sad fact of life. And usually those mean kids are merely acting out their frustrations due to their own unhappy lives. If anything, look at them with pity... that helps big time when you're taking back your power. Another thing.. this issue with your dad and the alcohol. Every one of us has a story, I'm sure, about the moment when we realize that our parents are just people, people who make mistakes. You had that moment maybe a bit earlier than some, but maybe not as soon as others. Your dad is now trying to be the man he feels he should have been all along. Perhaps this is the point in life where you can gain a bit more trust in him and get closer to him. But, also look at him as an example. Life is a learning process and it takes all of it to learn, through trial and error.