Relationship Advice

[Mabon]

One of the things you're getting out of it is that you don't have to deal with the feelings you have about your best friend or yourself. This other guy is a distraction. A big distraction! Some part of you knows the Bad Boy (from here on out will be B.B.) is a nowhere relationship. But you didn't count on the manipulation, or how that would ultimately make you feel.

How long are you going to stay on this mental merry-go-round asking why? You already know the answer and have all along. Not liking the answer isn't the same as not knowing it. He is a drug and alcohol dependent person who has huge emotional issues, he used you and will as many times as you let him. Hanging on to the prospect of him changing or giving you an answer that you can live with isn't going to happen. No one likes unresolved issues and if you think that closure is going to come from an outside source (BB) it won't, it never does it comes from you. Right now you are really fighting and angry with yourself. You don't want to face the hard questions you need to ask yourself.

Your BF didn't necessarily lie to you, feelings can change over time. You admit yours did. You said you once had a crush on him but it changed. Well that can work in the opposite way too. Someone can feel friendship and it can change to one of deeper more romantic feelings and those type of feelings can develop or remain hidden even from the person having them until an event makes them aware. You leaving LA may have made him reflect on your relationship and made him realize that there was or could be more to it than friendship. Between the two a relationship built on friendship has the better chance of being a more fulfilling long term relationship rather than one built on need and misery. And think about how angry your BF's comment/ revelation has made you. Why are you so angry if your feelings for him is that of sibling? If your feelings are no more than that of a friend you would have simply told him, that you're sorry but you don't feel that way about him.

Look I'm not saying you have to give the BF a chance, but you the one who is making it sound like this whole thing went like follows: You liked a guy since 8th grade, went away to collage and started meeting new people. BF now says he realizes he has romantic feelings for you and it freaked you out. BB made you feel different you got involved with him. You felt guilty about BF and feel that after one date you alone wrecked the relationship with BB. But now you realize that BB is the one you want to be with.

OK! First off you're 18. Are you ready to get married to anyone? Both of these guys are pushing you toward a long term commitment. Do you think this might be one of the issues I was talking about that you need to reflect/work on? Do you want or need to be in a long term relationship right now? Why do you want to be in a long term relationship?

You let yourself get involved with BB to distract yourself. Yes, BB did make you feel different because you felt he didn't come with history/baggage that develops in a long term relationship. No he came with his own baggage.Baggage big enough that you know your Mother (rightly) wouldn't like this relationship one bit. He's been married once and engaged twice! That's enough to send most Mothers up the wall. To add to that he is a drug user and has big emotional issues! Your guilt over not resolving your conflicted feelings about BF is why you are stuck thinking you ruined the relationship with BB and want him to let you off the the emotional hook. This is why you aren't currently able to see his faults and flaws objectively. At the same time you know he's a user and feel hurt because he used you. You'll never get an answer from him that will make you feel good about either of these issues. First, BB wouldn't be able to see past his own issues to tell you he's sorry that he hurt you. Second, BB doesn't have the all the information about BF and if he did and felt you were using him to distract yourself from another guy he would intentionally let you suffer. Because you had made it not about him.

Then there's the emotions about the BF to sort out. You know your combined history and right now you're mad that he wants a relationship now. Admit your miffed at his timing, you thought you had moved on. Had you really or is it the thought of a known safe relationship you long to get back to? Remember the safety of high school? Do do you really think his reaction is all because he could loose you to someone else? How could he loose you? You weren't in a romantic relationship. The worst thing either of you is going to loose out of this is a friendship. (slightly in his defense) If BF knows what kind of a guy BB is he would be angry about it. In whatever way he cares about you and doesn't want to see you hurt! This isn't just jealousy but jealousy may play a part of it. Only you know him and what his motives are.

Then there is the relationship with yourself to sort out. What would you do if all these guys disappeared and you are left on your own? Because honestly that's where you really are. No one can pressure you into a relationship except you yourself. What do you really want/need to do? You do need to learn to stand on your own and I know it's a lot to tackle but you can do it! If you don't you will always find yourself running from relationship to relationship.I'm glad that you're getting out and studying! That's good! It's time for you to get back to doing what you want to do. It will help you sort out what you are currently doing to yourself. But a 'man-hunt' right now isn't really going to go anywhere until you completely detox and get your emotions sorted out. If you don't sort them you'll always fall back thinking about BB. In a strange way he's the safest (you know what he is) and the most dangerous/destructive relationship (you know what he is). You don't miss BB you miss the thrill and the distraction of the new relationship. You aren't stupid, but I do think you are fixating on a dead relationship to hide from potential ones the most important one is with the one with yourself! Do give yourself a break! It does take time to sort emotions out. Once you know yourself and what you want you will know what type of person you want to be with and not just jump into a relationship because it presents itself.

Regards,

Mabon.

[Shego]

One of the things you're getting out of it is that you don't have to deal with the feelings you have about your best friend or yourself. This other guy is a distraction. A big distraction! Some part of you knows the Bad Boy (from here on out will be B.B.) is a nowhere relationship. But you didn't count on the manipulation, or how that would ultimately make you feel.

How long are you going to stay on this mental merry-go-round asking why? You already know the answer and have all along. Not liking the answer isn't the same as not knowing it. He is a drug and alcohol dependent person who has huge emotional issues, he used you and will as many times as you let him. Hanging on to the prospect of him changing or giving you an answer that you can live with isn't going to happen. No one likes unresolved issues and if you think that closure is going to come from an outside source (BB) it won't, it never does it comes from you. Right now you are really fighting and angry with yourself. You don't want to face the hard questions you need to ask yourself.

Your BF didn't necessarily lie to you, feelings can change over time. You admit yours did. You said you once had a crush on him but it changed. Well that can work in the opposite way too. Someone can feel friendship and it can change to one of deeper more romantic feelings and those type of feelings can develop or remain hidden even from the person having them until an event makes them aware. You leaving LA may have made him reflect on your relationship and made him realize that there was or could be more to it than friendship. Between the two a relationship built on friendship has the better chance of being a more fulfilling long term relationship rather than one built on need and misery. And think about how angry your BF's comment/ revelation has made you. Why are you so angry if your feelings for him is that of sibling? If your feelings are no more than that of a friend you would have simply told him, that you're sorry but you don't feel that way about him.

Look I'm not saying you have to give the BF a chance, but you the one who is making it sound like this whole thing went like follows: You liked a guy since 8th grade, went away to collage and started meeting new people. BF now says he realizes he has romantic feelings for you and it freaked you out. BB made you feel different you got involved with him. You felt guilty about BF and feel that after one date you alone wrecked the relationship with BB. But now you realize that BB is the one you want to be with.

OK! First off you're 18. Are you ready to get married to anyone? Both of these guys are pushing you toward a long term commitment. Do you think this might be one of the issues I was talking about that you need to reflect/work on? Do you want or need to be in a long term relationship right now? Why do you want to be in a long term relationship?

You let yourself get involved with BB to distract yourself. Yes, BB did make you feel different because you felt he didn't come with history/baggage that develops in a long term relationship. No he came with his own baggage.Baggage big enough that you know your Mother (rightly) wouldn't like this relationship one bit. He's been married once and engaged twice! That's enough to send most Mothers up the wall. To add to that he is a drug user and has big emotional issues! Your guilt over not resolving your conflicted feelings about BF is why you are stuck thinking you ruined the relationship with BB and want him to let you off the the emotional hook. This is why you aren't currently able to see his faults and flaws objectively. At the same time you know he's a user and feel hurt because he used you. You'll never get an answer from him that will make you feel good about either of these issues. First, BB wouldn't be able to see past his own issues to tell you he's sorry that he hurt you. Second, BB doesn't have the all the information about BF and if he did and felt you were using him to distract yourself from another guy he would intentionally let you suffer. Because you had made it not about him.

Then there's the emotions about the BF to sort out. You know your combined history and right now you're mad that he wants a relationship now. Admit your miffed at his timing, you thought you had moved on. Had you really or is it the thought of a known safe relationship you long to get back to? Remember the safety of high school? Do do you really think his reaction is all because he could loose you to someone else? How could he loose you? You weren't in a romantic relationship. The worst thing either of you is going to loose out of this is a friendship. (slightly in his defense) If BF knows what kind of a guy BB is he would be angry about it. In whatever way he cares about you and doesn't want to see you hurt! This isn't just jealousy but jealousy may play a part of it. Only you know him and what his motives are.

Then there is the relationship with yourself to sort out. What would you do if all these guys disappeared and you are left on your own? Because honestly that's where you really are. No one can pressure you into a relationship except you yourself. What do you really want/need to do? You do need to learn to stand on your own and I know it's a lot to tackle but you can do it! If you don't you will always find yourself running from relationship to relationship.I'm glad that you're getting out and studying! That's good! It's time for you to get back to doing what you want to do. It will help you sort out what you are currently doing to yourself. But a 'man-hunt' right now isn't really going to go anywhere until you completely detox and get your emotions sorted out. If you don't sort them you'll always fall back thinking about BB. In a strange way he's the safest (you know what he is) and the most dangerous/destructive relationship (you know what he is). You don't miss BB you miss the thrill and the distraction of the new relationship. You aren't stupid, but I do think you are fixating on a dead relationship to hide from potential ones the most important one is with the one with yourself! Do give yourself a break! It does take time to sort emotions out. Once you know yourself and what you want you will know what type of person you want to be with and not just jump into a relationship because it presents itself.

Regards,

Mabon.

I did something yesterday, I should have done a month ago. I wished him a happy life and I told him I wish that he becomes sucessful in whatever he plans on getting into for a set career. I also told him, I hope he find a beautiful, sweet girl that he will be happy with and be able to spend the rest of his life with. Then I blocked him. I felt so relived after I did that. I felt like I did the right thing. I don't end up looking like the bad person in that entire situation. He does. That's sad, but he chose to be that way and I cannot help him.If he can't be a man and have some integrity and tell me he used me and say he is sorry for it and MEAN it, then there is no reason why I should continue that meaningless, one sided relationship. Well, this situation is over on my terms and I feel great about it. I was respectful and honest the entire time. I admitted to the mistakes I believed I made. And my apology was sincere. I'm going to pretend he never existed and that we never did the things that we did. Easier for me in the end.

Edited March 26, 2013 by Leona Lewis

[Mabon]

HUZZAH!

Good for you! The part in bold is the part to remember! It doesn't matter if he doesn't say he's sorry, you know that it's over and on your terms! I'm sure that it was very cathartic to wish him good luck and a good life! He needs it! We all do!

I did something yesterday, I should have done a month ago. I wished him a happy life and I told him I wish that he becomes sucessful in whatever he plans on getting into for a set career. I also told him, I hope he find a beautiful, sweet girl that he will be happy with and be able to spend the rest of his life with. Then I blocked him. I felt so relived after I did that. I felt like I did the right thing. I don't end up looking like the bad person in that entire situation. He does. That's sad, but he chose to be that way and I cannot help him.If he can't be a man and have some integrity and tell me he used me and say he is sorry for it and MEAN it, then there is no reason why I should continue that meaningless, one sided relationship. Well, this situation is over on my terms and I feel great about it. I was respectful and honest the entire time. I admitted to the mistakes I believed I made. And my apology was sincere. I'm going to pretend he never existed and that we never did the things that we did. Easier for me in the end.

Believe it or not you do sound calmer! It will still take some time but you sound like you are well on your way!

I wish you all the best!

Regards,

Mabon.

[Shego]

HUZZAH!

Good for you! The part in bold is the part to remember! It doesn't matter if he doesn't say he's sorry, you know that it's over and on your terms! I'm sure that it was very cathartic to wish him good luck and a good life! He needs it! We all do!

Believe it or not you do sound calmer! It will still take some time but you sound like you are well on your way!

I wish you all the best!

Regards,

Mabon.

Thank you for all your advice and your help. You did have an effect on my choice. Easier for me to move on now that it ended on my terms and not his. I should have done that in the beginning. I don't know why I was holding on to something that was obviously not there.

Thank you again!

[Mabon]

Thank you for all your advice and your help. You did have an effect on my choice. Easier for me to move on now that it ended on my terms and not his. I should have done that in the beginning. I don't know why I was holding on to something that was obviously not there.

Thank you again!

I am so proud of you! If you ever think that you aren't mature, you can forget that. An immature person could never have wished someone who hurt them a happy life and mean it! Honestly, you went above and beyond with that sentiment! I was hoping that you could get there but it had to come from you or it wouldn't mean anything!

You are going to be so much better than fine!

You are SO WELCOME! I'd give you a big old hug if I could!

Regards,

Mabon.

[Shego]

I am so proud of you! If you ever think that you aren't mature, you can forget that. An immature person could never have wished someone who hurt them a happy life and mean it! Honestly, you went above and beyond with that sentiment! I was hoping that you could get there but it had to come from you or it wouldn't mean anything!

You are going to be so much better than fine!

You are SO WELCOME! I'd give you a big old hug if I could!

Regards,

Mabon.

I still have this guy's LARGE jacket. I don't like seeing it everyday, so the week after spring break my friend and I are walking to his house and leaving it on his door handle. I don't want to see him nor do I want to talk to him. So, we are going to knock on it and then casually walk away.

[Mabon]

Do you have a mutual friend that you can ask to return the jacket instead of you doing this? I understand why you want it gone. I'm just considering the possibility of an awkward scene if he answers the door.

Another words try to minimize the possibility of contact with him. Just because you're done doesn't mean he is.

Regards,

Mabon.

[Shego]

Do you have a mutual friend that you can ask to return the jacket instead of you doing this? I understand why you want it gone. I'm just considering the possibility of an awkward scene if he answers the door.

Another words try to minimize the possibility of contact with him. Just because you're done doesn't mean he is.

Regards,

Mabon.

I text him informing him that I will be delivering his jacket before the end of the semester and to watch for it. I told him also that I DON'T want to see him. Watch him try to talk to me. I'll be with my friend so. We will just drop the package down, knock on the door, and walk away. I'll never see or hear from him again thank god.

Plus, he has to be done. He hasn't tried to contact me again (thank god!), so it's obvious he doesn't care. I'm showing him I'm done and I don't want his jacket around me anymore, it's a nuisance and it takes up a lot of space in my small closet in this dorm I live in and the semester is almost over...I don't want my mother seeing the jacket and then I have to explain to her who it belongs to. I just want it gone.

[Mabon]

Sounds like you've got it covered then.

Regards,

Mabon.

[Ashotep]

There may be a good reason his wife cheated on him. Like maybe he was cheating or he didn't care about her needs.

[+Sherapy]

I text him informing him that I will be delivering his jacket before the end of the semester and to watch for it. I told him also that I DON'T want to see him. Watch him try to talk to me. I'll be with my friend so. We will just drop the package down, knock on the door, and walk away. I'll never see or hear from him again thank god.

Plus, he has to be done. He hasn't tried to contact me again (thank god!), so it's obvious he doesn't care. I'm showing him I'm done and I don't want his jacket around me anymore, it's a nuisance and it takes up a lot of space in my small closet in this dorm I live in and the semester is almost over...I don't want my mother seeing the jacket and then I have to explain to her who it belongs to. I just want it gone.

IMO What you are taking from this situation is self respect and a sense of empowerment. I know grown women who do not have half your sense. It is very refreshing to read such wisdom in a young person. Way to go!

[Shego]

There may be a good reason his wife cheated on him. Like maybe he was cheating or he didn't care about her needs.

Weird thing about that. He wasn't afraid in the beginning of our relationship to have me talk to his wife personally. He was like "I'm sure she'd tell you I was a good guy even though she cheated on me". He married her right out of high school and then a few months into the marriage he had joined the military and he was send to another state and then was eventually deployed. His ex-wife as he told me, was a cocaine user and cheated on him when he was overseas in afghanistan and had some guy's child.

Edited March 28, 2013 by Leona Lewis