Abuse and a double standard

[Q-C]

Why is it, if someone is suffering psychological abuse from a partner-- friends and family and strangers offer 1 or 2 solutions:

1) Seek help: Counseling, parental, support, etc

2) Leave the relationship

and If #1 fails to change the situation see #2

However, if the abuse is at the hands of a parent(s)-- friends, family and strangers offer different solutions:

Some may recommend counseling and the adult child may even suggest it to the parent, but when the parent refuses or counseling fails:

1) Forgive

2) Forget

3) Get over it

4) Keep the relationship

5) Write a song about taking the high road and how reuniting is the only right solution

Have you, as I have in the distant past, talked to a grieving parent who hasn't heard from their adult child in months or years and felt nothing but sympathy for the parent and anger toward the adult child? "How could any child hurt this poor mother or father like this? They must be a Baaad Seed."

Have you told or maybe been told yourself "They are your parents, I lost my father/mother, you should be grateful to still have them. I would be. Forgive and make things right!"

Why the double standard when parental abuse can scar and hurt and destroy a person even more deeply than a partner?

"Surely that lovely woman doesn't deserve this!" It amazes me the extreme abuse a child/adult child can suffer and yet the abuser gets off scott-free with an untainted reputation so much so that people on the outside (even siblings when it is a manipulative narcissistic parent) are quick and unyielding in their judgement of the "prodigal" child. The black sheep in the family, the one who got into drinking or drugs or trouble with the law. They look bad because the world can see what they have done. But the parent is a genius at playing ignorant, manipulating sympathy and hiding the abuse.

I just want to offer

Beware the double standard. It is easy to treat others with it.

And I know this even happens between partners. The victim suffers and is ostracized and the victim of vicious gossip, while the abuser rakes in sympathy.

Edited October 19, 2013 by QuiteContrary

[spartan max2]

This is a good thing to be aware of.

I tend to be biased thought, in that I blame the parents by default. Growing up I had to many friends with ****ed up parents. Too many.

[DeWitz]

"Forgiveness" is a valuable coin, which is why it should be offered with discrimination.

Having been on the one side professionally, and the other personally, I'd be a hypocrite to say other than this: One must do what one must do, without betraying oneself.

Easier said than done, I well know.

Take care.

[libstaK]

The problem at the root of abuse is that it is self perpetuating. If you are abused as a child, you can often (not always) become an abusive or otherwise disfunctional adult who then has children that suffer in turn.

Blaming one or the other is not the only way to view this. We need to understand what a psychologically damaged human being is going through and how to break that pattern and heal them so that the cycle is broken.

I love this line from The Crow by Brandon Lee - "Victims - aren't we all".

Edited October 19, 2013 by libstaK

[Q-C]

"Forgiveness" is a valuable coin, which is why it should be offered with discrimination.

Having been on the one side professionally, and the other personally, I'd be a hypocrite to say other than this: One must do what one must do, without betraying oneself.

Easier said than done, I well know.

Take care.

Very well put! "Forgiveness" is a valuable coin, which is why it should be offered with discrimination."

[Q-C]

The problem at the root of abuse is that it is self perpetuating. If you are abused as a child, you can often (not always) become an abusive or otherwise disfunctional adult who then has children that suffer in turn.

Blaming one or the other is not the only way to view this. We need to understand what a psychologically damaged human being is going through and how to break that pattern and heal them so that the cycle is broken.

I love this line from The Crow by Brandon Lee - "Victims - aren't we all".

I agree! And for some of us complete removal from the abuser = no contact whatsoever, is what is needed to heal and move forward on a different path.

Outsiders need to understand that (no matter how ugly it may appear) is what I was getting at in my OP.

[libstaK]

I agree! And for some of us complete removal from the abuser = no contact whatsoever, is what is needed to heal and move forward on a different path.

Outsiders need to understand that (no matter how ugly it may appear) is what I was getting at in my OP.

Your OP made an excellent point, it is important to understand that actions have consequences, abusers will alienate those they have abused - cause and effect. I would qualify that this does mean we lack sympathy for the abuser who has lost their loved ones or that we assume all children who no longer see their parents do so because their parents were at fault.

Best practice is to offer sympathy and support to the person we are with, unless we have facts that prove that they are the guilty party - even then, isolation and alienation helps no one. Also good practice would be not to extend resentment, judgement or anger toward the absent party - we don't know them and as you say they could be victims at worst or suffering any level of psychological disfunction that has nothing to do with whether or not they love their parents.

[Q-C]

Your OP made an excellent point, it is important to understand that actions have consequences, abusers will alienate those they have abused - cause and effect. I would qualify that this does mean we lack sympathy for the abuser who has lost their loved ones or that we assume all children who no longer see their parents do so because their parents were at fault.

Best practice is to offer sympathy and support to the person we are with, unless we have facts that prove that they are the guilty party - even then, isolation and alienation helps no one. Also good practice would be not to extend resentment, judgement or anger toward the absent party - we don't know them and as you say they could be victims at worst or suffering any level of psychological disfunction that has nothing to do with whether or not they love their parents.

I, in no way, meant that all suffering parents are at fault and should be suspect, nor that all "prodigal" adults are the victims of abuse. I did not mean that and I wasn't clear about it, you are exactly right.

I posted from one side, for others to consider, because I experience that side. H and I lost a parent this weekend. This is all very fresh. I needed to get it off my chest. But I did not mean things are this way with every situation.

The way we treat everyone is important to consider: Judgments, assumptions, gossip, gullibility, crowd/peer/family influence, etc

And, sadly, I am not above judging or assuming or gossiping or succumbing to influence or pressure. I try, but I am not free of all of it.

I only offered the OP as something for others to consider.

Edited October 19, 2013 by QuiteContrary

[Mikko-kun]

"Forgiveness" is a valuable coin, which is why it should be offered with discrimination.

Having been on the one side professionally, and the other personally, I'd be a hypocrite to say other than this: One must do what one must do, without betraying oneself.

Easier said than done, I well know.

Take care.

Forgiviness is a valuable coin because there's many forgeries of it, the real thing isn't all that common. And the real thing really needs to be earned through sincerity and level-headedness and bravery. Not putting your head to sand.

[+DieChecker]

I say break up with the boy/girl friend so there are no children.

With your mom, dad, bro, sis... hopefully that is not an issue.

People that can't have kids, I usually say, "stay if you want", because at least they will not f-up some innocent kids.

[Frank Merton]

An interesting and important question: why do we not tolerate an abusive husband and insist on immediate and complete separation but allow abusive parents? That abusive parents exist and are beyond the pale is beyond doubt, so why don't we take the children away without further debate?

I suppose because we don't know what to do with such children once we have taken them away. Foster homes and orphanages are poor substitutes. An abused woman can make her own way but children cannot.

[libstaK]

H and I lost a parent this weekend. This is all very fresh. I needed to get it off my chest. But I did not mean things are this way with every situation.

I am so very sorry for your loss, thank you for sharing all this with us it is an important topic. I hope it helps many others.

[Q-C]

An interesting and important question: why do we not tolerate an abusive husband and insist on immediate and complete separation but allow abusive parents? That abusive parents exist and are beyond the pale is beyond doubt, so why don't we take the children away without further debate?

I suppose because we don't know what to do with such children once we have taken them away. Foster homes and orphanages are poor substitutes. An abused woman can make her own way but children cannot.

Sorry, something else I didn't make clear in my OP, I am speaking about adult children. The abuse does stem from childhood, this is true, but I am speaking of adult children who are told to reconcile, forgive, put up with it, or they will somehow regret it because they are their parents. Also, older teens who leave home and get into trouble, too.

The abuse continues into adulthood and for some parents their abusiveness gets worse when their adult child leaves home and tries to make their own life. The adult child's spouse and children can become targets of the abusive parent as well.

[Q-C]

Just being in contact with an abusive person can ruin a life. It is not always so easy to break-free as some may think. Or some think as long as you don't live with them, who cares? Deal with it. You're an adult. But unless you've been under the abuse of a psychological abuser (it is like being in a cult), the extent of their grip, influence and destruction is not easy to comprehend.

That is why we leave, for good.

Edited October 19, 2013 by QuiteContrary

[spartan max2]

Just being in contact with an abusive person can ruin a life. It is not always so easy to break-free as some may think. Or some think as long as you don't live with them, who cares? Deal with it. You're an adult. But unless you've been under the abuse of a psychological abuser (it is like being in a cult), the extent of their grip, influence and destruction is not easy to understand.

That is why we leave, for good.

I haven't experienced it myself but like I said a lot of my close friends have. And I think a lot of times people don't leave because they get stuck in this bubble of thinking that none thing is ever going to change and there is none thing they can do about it. Or they are simply afraid of being cut off from the abuser. Which is all things the abuser wants, If they are aware of it or not.

At least from my experience with people this seems to be it.

[Q-C]

I haven't experienced it myself but like I said a lot of my close friends have. And I think a lot of times people don't leave because they get stuck in this bubble of thinking that none thing is ever going to change and there is none thing they can do about it. Or they are simply afraid of being cut off from the abuser. Which is all things the abuser wants, If they are aware of it or not.

At least from my experience with people this seems to be it.

You are exactly right! For certain psych abusers that is exactly their goal- to make their children or partners believe they are nothing without them. To keep them begging for love and a relationship/connection. For the abuser to give them value, which they never do.

The abused become nothing but extensions of the abuser. Their goal, oddly enough, is to feed and worship the abuser.

That is why when there are multiple siblings, one may be a rebel and break free and the other siblings are shocked and rally behind the parent for fear of being cut off (they are now an extension pf the abuser remember, after being molded from a very young age by the abuser). It is a cult, pure and simple, with certain types of psychological abusers.

Also, with some abusers you will have children in the family (one or more) who are treated differently than the rest. Maybe they look like the abusive parent or something else causes the parent to favor them. The parent sees themselves in them and treats them much better than the other child(ren).

This, too then, is something that makes it so hard when the abused child breaks away or tries to make the family aware of the problems. The "golden child(ren)" as they are called have no idea what the abused child is talking about.

Edited October 19, 2013 by QuiteContrary

[MissMelsWell]

I'm not sure really... I was extremely fortunate to have wonderful parents and family.

However, I have a couple of friends who suffered HORRIBLE abuse at the hands of their parents and family.

One friend comes to mind. Before the age of 14 she suffered terrible neglect, beatings (to the point of broken limbs), and sexual abuse by an uncle. Her parents were alcoholics, and just plain nasty people. They threw her out when she was 14 and she made her own way from there staying with friends for a short while before at age 15 getting a job, and she still finished high school and worked her way up in the world. She's had extensive therapy as well.

She never spoke to her mother again although she tried a few times... when she got word that her mother died last February, she was ... wrecked. Prior to her mother dying she'd heard from a half brother that the end was inevitable and she desperately tried to find her mother to say her good-bye's and get SOME kind of closure, even if it was negative. But, that couldn't and didn't happen... She wasn't sure why she wanted to see her mother so badly, other than to see her and give her the opportunity to say something and vice versa. She wanted her mothers life to end of neutral ground I think.

She felt the same about her father. She had seen him a couple of times since she was 14... and the last time she saw him was a relatively positive experience. Then he suddenly died in a traffic accident. That hit her VERY hard too.

I think the bond even a bad one between parents and children is different from a bad "relationship" ... A parent is suppose to love and nurture you for your whole life unconditionally, and when they don't, the need to know why is extremely strong. A significant other isn't necessarily expected to love and nurture you your whole life, most people consider that relationship to be more of a happy accident, and when it doesn't work out, you can find a new one. It's difficult to find yourself some new parents when yours don't want you or abuse you.

Edited October 19, 2013 by MissMelsWell

[ReaperS_ParadoX]

What about when the one being abused has become so attached to the abuser that they dont go for help, My ex girlfriend was with a guy that abused her emotionally so much that she had literally the lowest self esteem possible. When me and her started dating, is when she started to get some of her self esteem back.

[Q-C]

I'm not sure really... I was extremely fortunate to have wonderful parents and family.

However, I have a couple of friends who suffered HORRIBLE abuse at the hands of their parents and family.

One friend comes to mind. Before the age of 14 she suffered terrible neglect, beatings (to the point of broken limbs), and sexual abuse by an uncle. Her parents were alcoholics, and just plain nasty people. They threw her out when she was 14 and she made her own way from there staying with friends for a short while before at age 15 getting a job, and she still finished high school and worked her way up in the world. She's had extensive therapy as well.

She never spoke to her mother again although she tried a few times... when she got word that her mother died last February, she was ... wrecked. Prior to her mother dying she'd heard from a half brother that the end was inevitable and she desperately tried to find her mother to say her good-bye's and get SOME kind of closure, even if it was negative. But, that couldn't and didn't happen... She wasn't sure why she wanted to see her mother so badly, other than to see her and give her the opportunity to say something and vice versa. She wanted her mothers life to end of neutral ground I think.

She felt the same about her father. She had seen him a couple of times since she was 14... and the last time she saw him was a relatively positive experience. Then he suddenly died in a traffic accident. That hit her VERY hard too.

I think the bond even a bad one between parents and children is different from a bad "relationship" ... A parent is suppose to love and nurture you for your whole life unconditionally, and when they don't, the need to know why is extremely strong. A significant other isn't necessarily expected to love and nurture you your whole life, most people consider that relationship to be more of a happy accident, and when it doesn't work out, you can find a new one. It's difficult to find yourself some new parents when yours don't want you or abuse you.

True, and sometimes the trauma one feels at the death of an abusive parent, isn't about a lack of words of reconciliation at the end, but the grieving of an entire relationship the adult child missed out on.

I still count abuse as abuse, and it can be worse when you, for various reasons (because they are your parents and all the guilt that carries from inside you and from the outside world), never leave your abuser.

Edited October 19, 2013 by QuiteContrary

[Q-C]

I wanted to add that abused adults may also seek religion looking for a new parent or a new family or a new them.

[MissMelsWell]

True, and sometimes the trauma one feels at the death of an abusive parent, isn't about a lack of words of reconciliation at the end, but the grieving of an entire relationship the adult child missed out on.

I still count abuse as abuse, and it can be worse when you, for various reasons (because they are your parents and all the guilt that carries from inside you and from the outside world), never leave your abuser.

I'm sure that first part is true. But when an abusive significant other leaves, and/or dies, that same grieving does not happen in most cases. The bond simply isn't the same.

I can remember when my maternal grandfather died. He was always good to us grandkids, but to my mother and aunt, he was fairly abusive... not horrifically, but enough. When he passed, I can remember my mother being annoyed or particularly unhappy about it (which confused me at my young age, I loved him), Her sadness and feelings of loss didn't really surface until almost a year later and that really confused her.

[Q-C]

I'm sure that first part is true. But when an abusive significant other leaves, and/or dies, that same grieving does not happen in most cases. The bond simply isn't the same.

I can remember when my maternal grandfather died. He was always good to us grandkids, but to my mother and aunt, he was fairly abusive... not horrifically, but enough. When he passed, I can remember my mother being annoyed or particularly unhappy about it (which confused me at my young age, I loved him), Her sadness and feelings of loss didn't really surface until almost a year later and that really confused her.

Yes, we all have different experiences and experience things differently.

There is no one-size-fits-all.

[Mabon]

Why is it, if someone is suffering psychological abuse from a partner-- friends and family and strangers offer 1 or 2 solutions:

1) Seek help: Counseling, parental, support, etc

2) Leave the relationship

and If #1 fails to change the situation see #2

However, if the abuse is at the hands of a parent(s)-- friends, family and strangers offer different solutions:

Some may recommend counseling and the adult child may even suggest it to the parent, but when the parent refuses or counseling fails:

1) Forgive

2) Forget

3) Get over it

4) Keep the relationship

5) Write a song about taking the high road and how reuniting is the only right solution

Have you, as I have in the distant past, talked to a grieving parent who hasn't heard from their adult child in months or years and felt nothing but sympathy for the parent and anger toward the adult child? "How could any child hurt this poor mother or father like this? They must be a Baaad Seed."

Have you told or maybe been told yourself "They are your parents, I lost my father/mother, you should be grateful to still have them. I would be. Forgive and make things right!"

Why the double standard when parental abuse can scar and hurt and destroy a person even more deeply than a partner?

"Surely that lovely woman doesn't deserve this!" It amazes me the extreme abuse a child/adult child can suffer and yet the abuser gets off scott-free with an untainted reputation so much so that people on the outside (even siblings when it is a manipulative narcissistic parent) are quick and unyielding in their judgement of the "prodigal" child. The black sheep in the family, the one who got into drinking or drugs or trouble with the law. They look bad because the world can see what they have done. But the parent is a genius at playing ignorant, manipulating sympathy and hiding the abuse.

I just want to offer

Beware the double standard. It is easy to treat others with it.

And I know this even happens between partners. The victim suffers and is ostracized and the victim of vicious gossip, while the abuser rakes in sympathy.

I quite agree with this and have heard people say, "Oh their poor parents" when an offspring refuses contact with a parent." In some cases not being in contact with a parent is warranted and I don't comment on it unless I know the situation. I've had friends and loved one who were abused by their parents from verbal/mental to physical and once they leave 'home' they're done and honestly I don't blame them a bit. Some of these people are still in contact with their abusive parents and it is a cult like mentality because they can't stand to be around them but are too programed and feel guilty when they don't contact the parent for further abuse/conditioning.

I've asked friends with abusive parents to consider the relationship with a parent is like any other relationship and there should be limits and boundaries. When a person is an adult and they realize they are an adult and want to be a healthy person they need to treat their parents like they want to be treated and if the parent can't treat them as an adult then should limit the contact with the parent. Standing up for yourself (nonviolently of course) and not taking the abuse is very important.

My own Mom used guilt for years and I finally broke her of the habit. She would say things like, "Oh when your father and I die someone will buy our property and bulldoze the house." OK, this used to drive me crazy with the thought of loosing my parents then of having the home I grew up in destroyed. I told her over the years how upset these statement made me yet she continued to make them periodically and I would feel my stomach just twist in knots. One day not too long after she had done this a couple of weeks earlier (and I again had asked her not to say things like that because they hurt me) she made the comment again, Strangely when she made the comment it didn't hurt me like it had in the past, instead it made me somewhat angry because she was obviously manipulating me,. So very calmly I said "Yup! one of these days after you and dad die someone will probably buy the property and bulldoze the house." That was it and she quickly changed the subject she's never repeated the statement about the house but it didn't stop her from trying it about other things to test the limit of her power either. Each time she does it I agree with what ever thing she is talking about being destroyed after their death and now she doesn't do it anymore about any subject.

Understand that I love my Mom and normally she is very kind and loving but that aberrant behavior was creating a wedge in our relationship. I tried talking with her and asking her why she would make such statements but I could never get a straight answer. She would deflect and tell me that I was too sensitive and try to make a joke out of it which only added insult to injury.. Every person, no matter how kind has a dark side and if there was something bothering her when she made those statement she never told me honestly and upfront, which I think is what finally made me realize and give me the courage/strength to break the pattern.

Long story short I told her my limit and she tested my limit, she lost and relented and this was resolved very simply I wish I had discovered it earlier in life. I don't feel guilty about it because there isn't any reason too. I wasn't hateful nor harsh, I just agreed with her nor did I take that new found power and run over her with it. It's about getting along if you can and if you can't come to terms then limit the exposure but sometimes excising them from your life is the only recourse. It's sad but if they've messed up your childhood and it's obvious that they will never respect your boundaries (and you are doing everything right to keep them) there is no reason that they should ruin your adult life too.

Mabon.

[Q-C]

Long story short I told her my limit and she tested my limit, she lost and relented and this was resolved very simply I wish I had discovered it earlier in life. I don't feel guilty about it because there isn't any reason too. I wasn't hateful nor harsh, I just agreed with her nor did I take that new found power and run over her with it. It's about getting along if you can and if you can't come to terms then limit the exposure but sometimes excising them from your life is the only recourse. It's sad but if they've messed up your childhood and it's obvious that they will never respect your boundaries (and you are doing everything right to keep them) there is no reason that they should ruin your adult life too.

Mabon.

Excellent post, Mabon! I agree and I am so glad you found a way for things to work out between you and your mother.

And yes, I am a full believer in honesty, talking things through, setting boundaries and if necessary seeking counseling. For some situations any one of these strategies or all of them together, work well to extremely well.

For some of us, the abuser only gets worse and their punishment more severe if anything like the above is ever tried or even brought up. And you cannot set boundaries. A boundary is something for them to cross, with a vengeance. They are royalty on a throne, ruling their kingdom and subjects and "How dare you!" drives their abuse and is something their subjects know never to arouse.

Sometimes, those of us who do decide to point to the monster in the room, quickly find themselves all alone to fight it.

Edited October 20, 2013 by QuiteContrary

[Mabon]

Thank you! And I do believe in talking things through which I learned from my Mom which made it a weird situation for me because she didn't follow her own advice and talk with me about whatever was really bugging her. Then again, my parents are from a generation that it seems would rather cut off their own leg then discuss their feelings. As an adult I see the many things they got right but also the things they didn't. I also find it strange that I am now in a position to help them work through some of their issues or our issues and because of that I think they did a good job as parents.

Some of my friends had (and still have) it far worse with their parents who did everything to destroy their self-esteem. Honestly, I don't know anyone who didn't have some kind of trauma to get through while growing up. I know full well the golden child vs the one who rebelled and how difficult it is for both of them.

The golden child only seems to have it easy, from the outside it seems that they are the favorite of the parent/s but they pay a price that is as steep or steeper than the ones who rebel. They have just as low self-esteem as the rebel child (often lower) because at least the one rebelling is voicing dissent and are trying to fight the abuse in the only way that they can.

The golden child can't express their feelings about the difficulties (in any form) and will often harbor silent resentment toward the rebel because the rebel is making the home life even more difficult and the dominant/abusive parent more hyper-vigilant toward everyone. The golden child can be perceived as a suck-up or goody-goody because they often will often side with the abusive parent because the rebel is rocking the boat and making the abuser more erratic. They also may become a snitch or physically bully the other sibling in an attempt to avoid being abused because even being 'good' is no escape in an abusive household. The golden child is a target too because even good behavior is suspect, "Well if your sibling lied your a liar", "if your sibling did drugs you'll do them" or the abuser will punish them along with the rebelling child "well I know you knew your sibling was doing drugs and you didn't tell me"...This strategy is supported by the other parent who more often than not, will cater to the erratic or abusive parent allowing the situation to flourish because they aren't willing to challenge their abusive partner.

The other parent is the other adult and should equate their child/children's welfare as important as their own but they don't. Usually, they are already dominated by the more abusive parent so instead of being peers in their relationship they aren't and will deflect their negative feelings of being in an unequal (typically abusive) relationship toward the rebelling child. This will often surface in the sub parent as emotional distance and they will not support their children or worse use emotional manipulation to get the child to behave because this is an aspect of power they can control and it makes the subordinate parent look sympathetic to the child/children so that the subordinate parent's position of sympathy isn't questioned..Emotional manipulation is often overlooked by a dominant abusive parent because they aren't really concerned with others feelings as much as they are obedience..

I can't tell you how many of my friends felt sympathy for the subordinate parent instead of seeing their part in the abuse. They felt the sub parent was in the same boat as they were so would do everything they could to behave better for them or make excuses for them. A subordinate parent and abused child aren't in the same position, never were and never will be because they aren't peers. The only people in a parent child conflict that are equal are the two parents..It doesn't matter if the child is right and the parent wrong about the situation, the adult has the power not the child. It's not just a cult but a hostage situation because everyone under the thumb of the abuser does everything they can just to survive it. Which is why if you break the pattern and divorce yourself from an abuser others in your family will be angry or down right hostile to you, you had the courage they didn't and you become their target again.. They will not like you for getting away from an abusive parent they don't see it as an escape route they could use too because they are to emotionally crippled to try. They have Stockholm Syndrome and one part of them knows it and they don't like you for pointing it out.

Yes they will use gossip and lies about you to hopefully turn others to their cause.Let them. The best course against this type of attack is not to attack but defend. As an adult you are no longer subject to their rules. If an abused child as an adult (or aware child/young adult) is confronted by extended family to 'know' why they aren't in contact with their parent, you don't have to answer. Their need to know is not as important as your right to privacy or right to not discuss what is none of their business. What usually stops the questions are questions in return, "why do you need to know? How does me telling you make a difference in the situation, are you going to do something about it?" Most likely the persons asking is just sniffing for gossip and drama they can talk about. If all they are after is gossip by asking those questions in return they honestly won't like you any better but they won't like you any less either, you are just fodder for the drama mill. Plus it will help you know what they are truly after because if they do want to help and you ask the questions without confrontation they won't be put off by the questions.

Demystifying a parent is a part of the cycle breaking. Realizing they are just people and not the almighty Mom/Dad is a huge step.People make mistakes, can be wrong, are selfish, insensitive,demanding, complicated or another words human but in our childhood it's important that we believe our parents are more than other people. We need them to be right, just, honorable, selfless, simple and godlike but that isn't the way it happens and sometimes our parents are the monsters we need to be protected from. It's sad and it's heart breaking but it happens.

I try to realize that parents are people too and they are trying to get through their own childhood issues and trauma and don't always realize they are infecting the next generation but I don't excuse them unless they are suffering from a diagnosed (diagnosable) illness (be it mental or physical) and even then it depends on what they did. Rigid or tyrannical parenting demonstrates a parent's own insecurity and once a child realizes it the parent's weapons are no longer effective. It doesn't mean they won't use them but it won't have the same sting it used to. Even physical violence will lose its threat once a child realizes that the parent is more insecure than the child who questions their authority. I don't mean that it won't hurt physically but physical violence isn't just about the physical pain it's the emotional pain that hurts worse.

I strongly encourage anyone who is the victim of abuse by a parent (or a step parent) to report it and tell as many people as you can. Yes, you will receive a lot of negativity because you dared expose a dreaded family secret but you aren't doing anything wrong if you do. Some secrets need told and anyone who finds themselves in that type of situation needs outside help to resolve it. Even though it's hard an individual will find someone who understands and more importantly will believe you.It may not be someone in the family because they are aware what may happen to them or their position in the family if they defy the abuser but you know what, if they are an adult and aren't helpful they are as bad as the abuser themselves and any opinion they have isn't worth noticing.

Mabon.