Insecurity, jealousy and other crazy things

[MrBene]

Hello all!

First of all, my name is Ben and I'm 30 years old. During my short period of life I have been involved in 3 really meaningful and long relationships. The three of them ended pretty bad with my girlfriends cheating on me or going away with other men. Last one, I was about to get married until she decided that we were not for each other anymore and she cheated on me with another guy who I believe is now her former boyfriend. Even though it was really painful to say goodbye to a six years old relationship I stood on my feet and surpassed that through music mostly and doing my job (I'm school teacher). Anyway, in october 2013 I met a girl (23 years old) on facebook and one month later we started a relationship. It was love at first sight. No kidding, we went to a concert together and since that day we didn't separate again. We chat everyday and we try to see each other at least 4 times a week. We share many things in common and she's so beautiful that she actually hurt my eyes.

Anyway, everything goes well with this relationship and even though she's quite a character (because of her excentricity) I started to feel jelaous of her ex-boyfriend (now is her best friend) and a neighbour of her, the guy invites her to watch movies or drink beer pretty often. Anyway, I've never felt jealousy in my entire life, since I believe it's quite a negative feeling but I can't control myself now. I mean, I am not obsessed with this r I'm chasing her in any way but I can't stop my comments about her ex boyfriend or this neighbour and every time she says to me that "we can't see you today because I'm going to see my ex" I can't stop feeling miserable. We talked about it and she said she's not quite happy with my behaviour and she told me that I have nothing to be worried about because she wants to be with me because she was not in the mood of starting a relationship again but after she met me she was so attracted to me that the only thing she wanted was to stay with me.

To make the story short, she loves me a lot and she said this to me everyday (and she told me that she had done things for me that never did for anyone) but I still feel jealous and insecure about this. So forum, what I can do to stop these miserable feelings to ruin my relationship?

I'm going on tour tomorrow with my band and I'll be away from her for 2 weeks and I'm thinking a lot of negative bs. I want to trust her but I don't know, I keep feeling that I'll have no girlfriend when I get back.

Anyway! Thanks for reading! any comment or suggestion, please let me know.

[quiXilver]

I can see where it's threatening on one level to have her be this close to an ex. But I usually take it to be a good sign.

Trust develops over time. However, when actions equal words, my trust level goes up much quicker with those people.

Actions display intent very readily.

My wife and I have been together for 25 years, about half my life.

Trust has cycles and the influence of time can't be understated for me, trust grows over time.

My bet is, the deeper you get to know her, the more you'll understand why she's able to remain friends with an ex.

I find it a plus when someone has a healthy relationship with an ex. It indicates to me a level of maturity.

Good sign, usually.

[Sean93]

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

There's nothing really good to say about your predicament. You're trapped: you'll either continue feeling like this or risk being the clingy person and annoying her but it's only natural that you think about her around other guys - they are men and she's an -according to you- attractive woman. If she or any of those guys get up to something they'll justify it in some way whether you know about it or not.

Sure enough they could just be friends but you're of the right mindset to suspect that things could be going on - humans are humans.

You can of course say that it feels so right being with her but ask yourself: Did it feel right with the other three?

Hell, maybe my own distrust of people on a personal level is coming out here but I don't think I'm being completely far out. Maybe you should just call it off and take a break for a while - you've been through three relationships that all ended badly and I understand you might seek affection, love or whatever.

Edited February 5, 2014 by Sean93

[Odd Requiem]

I see it like this, if it's going to happen, it will happen. Nothing you say or do will stop it. You live, you learn, you move on.

Love is a beautiful, vicious thing.

Be free, stop assuming all the negative outcomes that could occur, live life for the moment! And love her while you have her!

[MrBene]

Thanks all for your kind replies! I love the "be free stop assuming all the negative outcomes", great piece of advice!

[keninsc]

I can see where you would have a problem with the jealousy thing, it's completely understandable, however jealousy is a negative thing. It can only bring you bad things in the end. You need to let it go. That's not to say you need to be blind, ex boyfriend thing isn't a small thing but people can break up and still be friends. Hey, if she's still got a thing for him then they might get back together but Dude, that can happen anyway. Deal with your own issues and don't let it make you all bitter and twisted. Everyone has an ex that's just a fact. Learn to cope with it, but don't be blind to things getting to friendly either. Know what I mean?

[Drayno]

I understand where you're coming from, Ben.

My ex-girlfriend left me to go back to her ex; who was her best friend before they dated for two years on and off.

Of course, she realized how crappy he treats her, and said she made a huge mistake.

I relate to you in that way.

Especially if your girlfriend and her ex still see or hang out with one another. I'm friendly with several of my ex's, but I don't see them or hang out with them..

Trust her and see what happens. I hope the best happens. And I hope your trust in her is well placed.

Just know you've got friends here.

Edited February 6, 2014 by Drayno

[Gunn]

Yeah I don't think this is gonna turn out to be a monogamist relationship from the way it sounds and the way you described it, based on my experience. When they say comforting things to your face and get you to believe nothing is going on, but then turn around and do things that are somewhat disrespectful to your feelings and suspicions, well...that's a real strong indicator right there. I once had a girlfriend who had male friends and told me I had nothing to worry about either. Turned out she thought she was the male equivalent of a player. She had this deep mental drama in the back of her mind, that she was getting some type of vengeance on the opposite sex for breaking her heart over the years, for the most part, by being or doing such actions. Anyway, as hard as it was for me and believe me it was hard, I finally got smart and dropped her ass. I probably saved myself from some future life threatening sexually transmitted disease, as well; which in your case, I would advise you to think hard about, too. I'm just mentioning that, because even if you use protection, it's not a 100% trustworthy.

Oh...and this is just something I think I should mention in general, that can happen with different kinds of relationships with other people all over the world, but specifically pertains to the type of relationship you mentioned. If your one of those overly nice guys, like I was were I often use to wear my heart on my sleeve, you will be taken advantage of most of the time, because people see it and it's in their nature to do so. Keep in mind the parable about the scorpion and the frog. Doesn't mean everybody is that way, but the temptation is hard to resist for some people.

EDIT: Oh those blasted typos!

Edited February 6, 2014 by Purifier

[White Crane Feather]

Hello all!

First of all, my name is Ben and I'm 30 years old. During my short period of life I have been involved in 3 really meaningful and long relationships. The three of them ended pretty bad with my girlfriends cheating on me or going away with other men. Last one, I was about to get married until she decided that we were not for each other anymore and she cheated on me with another guy who I believe is now her former boyfriend. Even though it was really painful to say goodbye to a six years old relationship I stood on my feet and surpassed that through music mostly and doing my job (I'm school teacher). Anyway, in october 2013 I met a girl (23 years old) on facebook and one month later we started a relationship. It was love at first sight. No kidding, we went to a concert together and since that day we didn't separate again. We chat everyday and we try to see each other at least 4 times a week. We share many things in common and she's so beautiful that she actually hurt my eyes.

Anyway, everything goes well with this relationship and even though she's quite a character (because of her excentricity) I started to feel jelaous of her ex-boyfriend (now is her best friend) and a neighbour of her, the guy invites her to watch movies or drink beer pretty often. Anyway, I've never felt jealousy in my entire life, since I believe it's quite a negative feeling but I can't control myself now. I mean, I am not obsessed with this r I'm chasing her in any way but I can't stop my comments about her ex boyfriend or this neighbour and every time she says to me that "we can't see you today because I'm going to see my ex" I can't stop feeling miserable. We talked about it and she said she's not quite happy with my behaviour and she told me that I have nothing to be worried about because she wants to be with me because she was not in the mood of starting a relationship again but after she met me she was so attracted to me that the only thing she wanted was to stay with me.

To make the story short, she loves me a lot and she said this to me everyday (and she told me that she had done things for me that never did for anyone) but I still feel jealous and insecure about this. So forum, what I can do to stop these miserable feelings to ruin my relationship?

I'm going on tour tomorrow with my band and I'll be away from her for 2 weeks and I'm thinking a lot of negative bs. I want to trust her but I don't know, I keep feeling that I'll have no girlfriend when I get back.

Anyway! Thanks for reading! any comment or suggestion, please let me know.

I think you are a smart man for seeking personal advice. I can feel for you in this situation.

The only thing to do is be responsible for your own actions and self, which I can see you understand quite well and are making a valiant effort. She knows how you feel, you have expressed it... Good job. Now it's time for you to mentally move on and let her deal with it. The ball is in her court, so its time to let her make her own decisions and fur you the let the pressure fall off.

Now I have gone back and forth deciding if I was going to say this to you are not. I feel unsupportive in saying it, but I feel dishonest in not. So here it is. You are in a band... You are touring. Some Women or I should say girls are attracted to that for a short time. People in forward roles, leaders, sports teams. For me it's always been because I'm in leadership roles. It's something built into their social make up to want to be apart of it. ESPECIALLY BAND MEMBERS.

Just be aware. She may be different, but I did not feel honest in keeping my instincts from your situation. Take care.

[simplybill]

You are in a band... You are touring. Some Women or I should say girls are attracted to that for a short time. People in forward roles, leaders, sports teams.

It's something built into their social make up to want to be apart of it. ESPECIALLY BAND MEMBERS.

I think WCF is right. Your girlfriend may be attracted to your public lifestyle. She may find that part of you interesting, however you mention the amount of time she spends watching movies and drinking beer with her ex. Your first date with her was going to a public concert. I wonder if she craves quieter and more emotionally intimate relationships.

Also, you say you're 30 years old, and one of your 3 big relationships lasted six years. That's 20% of your life that you lived without committing to marriage. Women notice that level of non-commitment.

Your profile picture (If that is indeed you) shows you holding a cigarette up in the air. If you're not committed to living a healthy lifestyle, why would a woman want to trust you with HER heart? You're showing a lackadaisical attitude about having a long, happy, healthy marriage. She may not tell you outright, but that is probably an unconscious judgment in the back of her mind.

I apologize if I'm sounding too harsh.

Edited February 8, 2014 by simplybill

[Vanished Templar]

Learned a LONG TIME AGO, never and I mean never give out advice on anything that was near "personal problems" basically if things"go South", the person giving the advice/opinion can easily get blamed and the person asking for help basically gets away with being the "poor person" who took some "half-baked" advice from someone that had no clue as to what they were talking about. Such is the Internet. Regardless of the letters after a person's name are they real, genuine, or do they give the "owner" the right or ethical responsibility to get into a strangers life that they don't know from Adam's Housecat". Nope, they don't unless one has some rescue fantasy, have little formal professional education, can talk a good game and love to impress others with their whit and wisdom. My advice and it is free of charge, not like my patients, talk to friends you know, with opinions you can weigh and evaluate and trust. Asking for advice on the "Net is at best "asking for trouble" and at worst getting it and acting on it.

[simplybill]

"Anyway, everything goes well with this relationship and even though she's quite a character (because of her eccentricity) I started to feel jealous of her ex-boyfriend."

Just speculation on my part, Ben, but is it possible she's using her eccentricity as a shield, or a defense mechanism of some sort? Perhaps your jealousy was sparked by your subconscious recognition that she isn't being as forthcoming as you'd expect after knowing her for this amount of time.

Is it possible that she admires the "steadfast" character traits shes sees in you (your teaching career and musical discipline), while at the same time she fears giving up her own free-wheeling "eccentric" lifestyle?

I hope I'm not being too presumptious; I just really enjoy pretending to be a pseudo-psychologist!

Edited February 9, 2014 by simplybill

[coldethyl]

Don't stress about the things you have no control over. Just keep reminding yourself negative emotions are no good because you have no control over someone else s behavior.

[MrBene]

Thanks all for your kind replies. Well, I got back home and one night, while sleeping with my girlfriend I decided to take a look at her cellphone and I discovered some messages from this neighbour of her, saying sorry and saying stuff like "I love you". I confronted her and she told me that she wanted to tell me but she didn't know how, but she explained to me that this guy thought she was coming to his place to be with him and this guy asked her that and she told him that "she only wanted him as a friend". So, she felt uncomfortable and she left. So the guy sent her some messages.

She wanted to tell me but she was affraid that I was going to be mad.

Anyway, she told me that she's not going to see him anymore.

I trust in her when she told me that nothing happened. I seriously trust her. I just want to punch this guy on his face. Nothing else.

Edited February 22, 2014 by MrBene