Helen of Annoy Posted June 25, 2015 #76 Share Posted June 25, 2015 No matter how many strangers I kick, I have no callouses on my feet. Because I bathe in virgin blood. I only take small amounts while they sleep because only an idiot kills a milking cow... When I see they're about to lose virginity, then I drain them dry. Which means you all shouldn't fear for OS, there are years and years of futile existence still ahead of him. Well, not completely futile, just look at my smooth feet. Not too close looks, though. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+OverSword Posted June 25, 2015 Author #77 Share Posted June 25, 2015 If you get too close to Helen's feet you may lose your sense of smell and the ability to hold food down for a few days. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Star Posted June 25, 2015 #78 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Meh.....That's just, OilySlippers way of saying, 'stay away from misses H of A's Feet, 'they are mine, all mine'.....He has a thing for feet you see, H of A's in Particular. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+OverSword Posted June 25, 2015 Author #79 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Blue star keeps trying to put her toes in my mouth. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Star Posted June 25, 2015 #80 Share Posted June 25, 2015 OldSpice has foot and mouth....Poor thing, We've tried treating him but he just can't stop putting his foot in it. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+OverSword Posted June 26, 2015 Author #81 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Fu-bar stinks up the house with her gastroenterological condition and then kicks her dog so her guest's won't think she is the source of the reek. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpiritWriter Posted June 26, 2015 #82 Share Posted June 26, 2015 It's Friday OverSword and you know what that means! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helen of Annoy Posted June 26, 2015 #83 Share Posted June 26, 2015 He is holding you and I'm trying to give you a shower? No, that's Saturday. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpiritWriter Posted June 29, 2015 #84 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Helen obviously doesn't understand the objective of a restraining order and actually thinks if she goes to jail I'm going to come with her. Hell no lady and were not taking any showers together either. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helen of Annoy Posted June 29, 2015 #85 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Aw, you liar. SpiritWriter posted that from the jail, actually. She only came to bring me cigarettes, nothing unusual, but she's one of rare people who brought cigarettes to a prison by climbing up the sheet, over the wall. We didn't want our peace and quiet disturbed, so she bribed the guards to put the sheet for her. They agreed because they thought she's only tying the cigarettes in the end of the sheet, not - for the love of god! - climbing in herself. Then the reporters sniffed the comotion, went to see what's going on and now the whole country knows what was supposed to be a secret. And I thought nothing can make me stop smoking. Actual link to actual photo of Croatian prison with 'just harmless sheet accidentally dangling out the cell window, they're horsing around, nothing to see' http://www.24sata.hr/crna-kronika-news/plahta-express-zatvorenici-u-rijeci-plahtom-salju-cigarete-425612 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+OverSword Posted June 29, 2015 Author #86 Share Posted June 29, 2015 (edited) Helen is in prison for poisoning the whole village with her deep boiled stew of drunken uncle. Edited June 29, 2015 by OverSword 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helen of Annoy Posted June 29, 2015 #87 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Don't be ridiculous, we don't send people to prison for not letting perfectly good meat go to waste. I was there because you insisted we take the shortcut from Italy and skip the land borders by rowing home. It wouldn't be a problem if you had your passport instead of your drinking buddy's. And it's suddenly my fault. How do you like your accomodation so far? It feels nice and safe in there, doesn't it? Don't worry, if you get bored, they'll let you out as soon as you learn the language or someone claims you. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+OverSword Posted June 29, 2015 Author #88 Share Posted June 29, 2015 (edited) You're confused. Since you are locked up in a dark, windowless cell you may be unaware that as soon as they found out I was and American they made me special guest of your city and then after taking a vote they elected me King for life (because everybody in Croatia thinks Americans are just the coolest people ever) Since I'm king I can release you whenever I want so get used to prison food. Edited June 29, 2015 by OverSword 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpiritWriter Posted June 30, 2015 #89 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I was the one who appointed OS king so I think that must make me God. We will test him out for a while but it doesn't look like its going to work out to well. It is not uncommon for a king to drink or even stumble around for a bit in the late evenings. But becoming a vulgar spectacle and passing out face down in the royal ham has everyone gossiping. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helen of Annoy Posted June 30, 2015 #90 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Listen to SpiritWriter. She's an expert for aristocracy, ever since her stripper name was Princess Lay-Ya. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+OverSword Posted July 1, 2015 Author #91 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Helen of Annoy has trained a rat to wear lingerie and dance while she plays on the kazoo. It is now her chief source of income during tourist season. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helen of Annoy Posted July 1, 2015 #92 Share Posted July 1, 2015 It's just what you were dreaming while you were heavily sedated. We only took one of your kidneys because we're not cruel and also because it was not easy to find your kidneys in all that adipose tissue. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+OverSword Posted July 1, 2015 Author #93 Share Posted July 1, 2015 You're supposed to lie Helen, not hurt my feelings on purpose. Helen of Annoy goes to sushi restaurants to see if the chef's will help her remove the hotapuss and giver her a free meal if she let's them keep half of it. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helen of Annoy Posted July 1, 2015 #94 Share Posted July 1, 2015 OverSword broke his favourite coffee mug and got arrested because of it. No, seriously. It went like this: so he broke the handle off his favourite mug. So he tried to glue it back together. 'My, it really does bond very fast.' Since he thinks it's embarrassing situation, he decided to drop to ER keeping his hand with glued on mug in his pocket. And it would go just like that if he didn't stop to buy cigarettes with his hand and the mug in his pocket, looking all nervous, with a hood and sunglasses. When the police came OS still wouldn't take his hand out where they can see it, so you must admit he has his principles. It took two policemen, one taser and shopkeeper's vengeful blow with a mop to break OverSword's resistance... and his precious mug too. At least it was beyond repair now. The moral of the story is: never run out of cigarettes, always have spare pack somewhere handy, because you never know what kind of idiotic situation you'll find yourself in. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+OverSword Posted July 2, 2015 Author #95 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Such lies Helen! I quit smoking, it was nicotine gum I was buying not cigarettes. Helen of Annoy promised me that she was cured of her highly contagious skin rash with a good luck charm she bought from a gypsy. She then hung a small, bad smelling bag on a string around my neck, turned around three times counter clockwise and spit once in both my eyes. She then slapped my face with the back of her left hand and recited some words in Croatian. She then assured me that for the duration of my visit to Croatia it was safe for me to sleep on her floor wrapped in a blanket with the dog and I would not develop the peeling, puss oozing rashes exhibited by her family. All of this for only 1,500 euros. She is the best hostess I've ever stayed with even though there is no electricity and they heat the house with dried cow dung. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helen of Annoy Posted July 2, 2015 #96 Share Posted July 2, 2015 If it was so bad, then why you stole said blanket? Was your name on it? No, it clearly says 'Caritas'. I don't know if you have Caritas over the pond, it's similar to Salvation Army. Either way, the blanket, stack of leaflets from the toilet (7 rolls of toilet paper worth) and a coffee mug. Gone with OS and the winds he was constantly breaking. Each time the dog would start howling. He even took some of that rash with him, but we have plenty of that so it honestly doesn't matter. But it's all forgiven. Come back next year, we'll wash the dog just for you. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+OverSword Posted July 3, 2015 Author #97 Share Posted July 3, 2015 I had such fun on my visit.....*fade to fond memory montage* First Helen's Italian contacts in Rimini hid me under a cadaver in a casket and smuggled me across the Adriatic in a rotting little 100 year old sardine fishing boat, and after 3 storm tossed days and nights of drinking my own urine and eating skin I peeled from the bottom of my feet happily met Helen's good friend named Dag in the lovely city of Zadar. Dag was a large hairy man who was kind enough to show me his super cool gun. He was a real nice guy but didn't speak much English. He threw me in the boot of his totally awesome Yugo, I assume because he was being thoughtful and thought I may need to lie down after my boat ride. He took me to a real neat bondage club where I find Helen enjoying an S&M game called tied to a chair and slapped until you like it. It was then that Helen told me she forgot her purse and can I please loan her 5,000 euros which she owed to Dag's brother Rusmir. It turns out that these two guys aren't so good at counting and they took 8,000 from my wallet and then told us (with Helen translating) it was late and we should be going because there were many fun tourist activities that Helen had planned for me the next day. We then used what remained of my money to rent a cheap room and several large bags of ice and some kind of exotic Croatian alcohol that was so strong I forget everything after my first glass. We must have really had fun because when I woke up in the morning I was in the bath tub covered in ice and had a cut which was stitched shut right above one of my kidneys. Helen explained that I was so drunk that I fell and cut myself but she stitched me up and thought it would be good to pull traditional Croat prank called cryofunny where you throw your drunk friend in tub full of ice. From somewhere Helen had got a fist full of money and we took train back to her place in Rijeka. She invited her relatives over for a party and while eating a delicious stew and drinking vodka I lost the new money supply my brother had wired me from the USA gambling with Helen's relatives in a game with very confusing rules which seemed to change with every hand dealt. I may relate at a later time how Helen and I ended up in jail until the police commissar realized I was an American and made me the King of Croatia for the remainder of my visit. How was I to know that as king it would be my duty to pay off the nations debt to the EU, but it was no big deal, as a rich American all I had to do was wire a middle class relative for the money and I still had plenty left over. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helen of Annoy Posted July 3, 2015 #98 Share Posted July 3, 2015 (edited) Yes, well, it's all true... OverSword decided to visit Greece next, but his middle class relative unfortunatelly and suddenly died from hamburger overdose. Now you all know the only rational explanation for what's going on there at the moment. Trying to avoid the usual fate of broke monarchs OS boarded the first cruiser he swam across. Some passengers noticed a man with backpack climbing on board up the anchor chain, but it was written off as mass hallucination caused with heat. At first, OS was just trying to pass for another paying passenger. But you know what human nature is like. Since it worked so well, he borrowed third officer's uniform and started flirting with the kitchen staff. And that worked so well he stole second officer's uniform and started flirting with the waitresses. And since that worked so well... in short, he was about to take the helm while the real captain was sleeping when he fell violently ill. It was Norovirus, contemporary scourge of seven seas. And it clearly showed OS is a fraud, because people who actually run those ships have all built the immunity long ago. Disliking the idea of being returned to his temporary monarchy - or any other land that is a member of Interpol, OS decided to try his luck swimming again. After couple of hours he was picked by immigrant boat because hey, where there's room for 786, there's room for one more. And it's true. It was his backpack that sunk that boat. Not that it matters now. Edited July 3, 2015 by Helen of Annoy 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notforgotten Posted July 5, 2015 #99 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Helen to the end. Until the skin falls off. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+OverSword Posted July 5, 2015 Author #100 Share Posted July 5, 2015 notforgotten 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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